to be disappointed with friends'reaction to school places?

[gonaenodaethat]

We live in an area where most schools are reasonable and most kids from DD's class are going to the local comprehensive.

I would've been happy to send DD there but she is very bright so we let her do the entrance exam for the local independent school as we thought she might get a scholarship.
We didn't mention this to anyone at the time.

Anyway, she did get quite a large scholarship and we have decided to send her there.
When we've told friends this (when they've asked where she's going ) they seem a bit pissed off. None of them have even said 'well done' to DD and they've known her for years.

Am I being unreasonable to think that they might've been pleased for her?

[seeker]

Oh, and did you tell your dd to keep it secret from her friends? If they didn't, why didn't they find out from their children?

[EdTheConfessor]

i agree so much with damnedchilblains. congrats btw.

Are you now hoping to reach your friends through a general post on MN absolving you from confronting them and asking for your dues/rightful congratulatory reactions?

You have to find a way to make it right with them other than explain yourself obliquely on MN. How many mothers read MN?
I bet many on here would recognise a 'friend' like you. if you feel hurt by their reactions, they'd be just as hurt by your reticence.

[gonaenodaethat]

It's hard to know how to approach these things. I know that most of my friends are not in a position to afford independent school. We don't live in a particularly affluent area. DH and I have good jobs but make an effort not to be in peoples faces about it.
I just don't want to be an arse and thought that if she ended up not going then there was no point in saying anything. DH and I are not 100% comfortable with private schools and hadn't fully decided what to do.
It wasn't about keeping other kids out either. I'd love it if some others from her school were going.
Should've said something.

[gonaenodaethat]

I don't think DD did keep it a secret seeker.

[Angeliz]

Well, if you explain that you didn't say as it would have had such a negative effect on your daughter had she not got in, then they should understand.
Private education is always a hard subject!!

[EdTheConfessor]

yes, you should have because now it just messes things up in hindsight. Friendships are about keeping people in your loop and sharing the mundane as well as the prize rosette. How can they share your joy when you didn't want to share in the first place?

[Bonsoir]

I can absolutely understand why the OP and her family didn't tell anyone that their DD was trying for a scholarship at an independent school - there is no obligation whatsoever to live out one's personal life and trials in public.

It sounds like envy and sour grapes.

[Angeliz]

Are they friends you will keep in touch with?
We are looking to move and though i get on with all the Mums at school, i have come to the realisation that they are not friends. We don't socialise, just chat at school so i won't be missed!

[EdTheConfessor]

well, OP's friends have had the courtsey and goodheartedness to enquire where OP's daughter is going. So they are concerned rather than envious? It must be a shock to realise OP had other plans that no one knew about.

[gonaenodaethat]

Ed you're mean but you're right. This has been bugging me for days and now it seems much clearer.

[gonaenodaethat]

I will keep on touch with them Angeliz. DD2 is still at the Primary School.

[Angeliz]

Ah, best keep the peace then

[Monty100]

I would say they're pissed off at the secrecy surrounding your plans. Why did you keep it a secret? Was it because you might not have succeeded?

You kept your friends out of it. Now you expect them to celebrate with you.

imho.

[EdTheConfessor]

If you were not willing to share in the first place, that is your choice. But you can't turn around and now think that the 'blame' is on your uncharitable friends and expect others on here to give reasons to why reactions are so paltry on your DD's achievements.

I don't mean to sound mean. It's just that you should not come on here to try to justify your actions and let your friends look bad. It's good you accept you did not handle it right. But what you would do now for the real people in your real circle is what makes you a better man/woman.

[BalloonSlayer]

I can understand your reasons for not saying anything but your announcement of her scholarship may sound to them like:

"My DD is much cleverer than yours, so clever in fact that she has been given £105,000 worth of education for free! Now praise her for being so clever, so much cleverer than your kids, whom she will probably now stop being friends with because she will be going to another school."

But well done your DD. It is a cause for celebration, of course, just probably not by those she will be leaving behind.

(I got £105,000 from £15000 a year school fees, which I understand is not unusual for a private school, times seven)

[panickinglady]

Surely it was entirely up to your DD who you and she told and didn't?

[Prunerz]

Envy and jealousy are always trotted out as excuses for reactions like this. How many of you are actually thinking: "you know, I'd be jealous of my friend if this happened"?

I wouldn't be. I'd be wrongfooted, that's all.

[gonaenodaethat]

It was up to her. I didn't tell her not to tell her friends and in fact I think she did tell some of them. I didn't mention it to any parents because I didn't want to be all "Oh, look at us, we can afford private school"!

[BalloonSlayer]

I would be jealous, I think.

We live in an area with a good comp and lots of private schools. I am almost totally ignorant about scholarships - they always sound like something from Enid Blyton to me.

But if in Yr 6 I discovered that one of my DCs friends had got a scholarship and was off to St Snooty's, I'd be jealous, and if I suspected that my DC was as bright as or brighter than that child I might well be bloody kicking myself.

[MorrisZapp]

Totally agree with ballonslayer. It looks like you want your DD to get praise from other people for being cleverer/ more privileged than their own kids.

Assuming that you and your DH have been supportive and very congratulatory of your DD, why does she need to be congratulated by all and sundry? It isn't a big deal, or it shouldn't be anyway.

[EdTheConfessor]

whether the parents knew or not from the children is not the point here. You did not mention it to the mummy brigade. So perhaps you ABU expecting the champagne and confetti treatment. Stop the angst and go forth and make things right. If it worried you what their reactions are, they must be friends worth having. Otherwise, pat yourself on the back and move on.

[seeker]

People always say "Oh don't worry about what people feel, they are just jealous, ignore them"

They may not be - they may feel very hurt and excluded. It's not always the other person's fault, you know.

[FalafelAtYourFeet]

If i was the other parent I think I would assume that they hadn't told me because they didn't want to make a big thing about it in case your DD didn't get in.

It all depends on how close you are with the other parents; I have some friends who I would not expect to be informed of their plans, and i have a couple of friends where I would think 'How strange that she never said anything'. And quite possibly, be slightly offended, if only because I might feel insecure about our friendship.

I would say 'well done' to your DD though!

[Merrylegs]

"I would've been happy to send DD there but she is very bright...."

Ah.

[OtterInaSkoda]

That got my back up too, Merry.