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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU... to not want 2nd child for sake of beloved DD?

113 replies

retrodolly · 08/03/2010 16:58

I'm feeling very.... very broody... in fact, I just need to see a cute little squirming bundle in some beaming mom's arms... to be almost overcome with pangs of broodiness...

But... and here's the very stupid dilemma I've bound myself with...

What happens to DD1 (2y.o.) when there's a littler one needing more attention? We've spent almost every waking minute together since her birth, I'm happily a SAHM after a 11 year career. DH loves her too but he works fulltime plus we have no family in this city. Who will look after her/spoil her/comfort her?

Please come and tell me to stop being silly or whatever it is MN does so well in AIBUs

I promise not to start wailing
or flounce off

x

OP posts:
Irishchic · 08/03/2010 17:04

Ok then, stop being so silly. Giving your child a sibling is the most precious thing you could give her, you must know that surely?

EvilTwins · 08/03/2010 17:05

OK. I can't speak from experience, as my number 1 ended up being two at once, but I had this conversation with my sister when she was expecting number 2, and she said she'd had the same conversation with our mum, who said that when SHE was expecting number 2 (me) she'd had the very same conversation with our dad and with a number of her friends, and guess what - everyone felt the same. I gather it's totally normal and natural. Mum tells a lovely story of sitting in her rocking chair, 8 months preggers with me, crying her eyes out to Dad, cos she couldn't figure out where she was going to find enough love for the new baby as she already loved the toddler sleeping upstairs with all her heart. Turns out it doesn't work that way, and that time and love for the newbie manifest themselves when you need it. At least, that's what Mum says, and she usually talks sense.

So stop worrying - what you're going through it totally normal.

elmofan · 08/03/2010 17:05

ahhhh this had me as i worried about the same things before i had my 2nd dc, i think you should go ahead & try to have another dc as the 2nd dc will be company for your dd , my way of thinking was i didn't want ds to be alone in the world when me & DH passed away ( hopefully a very long way off ) iykwim ,

EvilTwins · 08/03/2010 17:06

Oops. IS totally normal.

MathsMadMummy · 08/03/2010 17:07

I do understand what you're feeling, I had the same worries.

However I was an only child (not deliberately, mum had 2 MCs after me ) and I hated it. IMHO giving your DD a little bro or sis, and the lifelong connection that gives, far outweighs the difficulties when they're little.

It is hard to accommodate my DD sometimes since DS arrived, but it's worth it. Seeing them together, like when she kisses him goodnight, does row-row-row-the-boat with him, and so on... well, it is quite simply magical.

mememe30 · 08/03/2010 17:10

I have had this conversation with alot of friends heavily pregnant with second child. It is so so hard to explain how the love that you have for first child that you think is all your love grows straight away into enough love for two or more children. I could not believe that I could love another child as much as I loved dd but when I had ds I straightaway knew I loved them both the same.

Rindercella · 08/03/2010 17:12

YABU, bbut I guess you know that

My DD2 is due in the next couple of weeks and sometimes I wonder how on Earth DD1 (2.7yrs) is going to respond. I have been a SAHM to her for these last years and just how am I going to share the love, affection and attention between the two of them?!

But more than anything I know I am doing the best thing for DD1 - as Nikita says, I am giving her the gift of a sibling. Someone who will keep her entertained during all those long, boring family parties full of oldies, on holidays and when Mummy is too busy MNing to want to play a game or read a book.

DD1 is so excited about the arrival of her little sister...I know at the moment she has no conception of what it is actually going to mean to her, and how it is going to change her life. But, although the first few months are bound to be tough, those will soon pass and things will begin to seem normal again.

gandj · 08/03/2010 17:14

I am currently expecting baby number 2 (which was a bit of a surprise) in 2 weeks and have been getting quite upset thinking about this too. My almost 2 year old DD is my whole world. I am very relieved to hear the responses you've got. Good luck if and when you go for number 2!

mistletoekisses · 08/03/2010 17:15

YANBU, not at all.

But I can tell you that if your DD is anything like my DS1, your DD will love a sibling. DS1 (2.6) adores his 8 week old brother. Yes he misses mummy and has had more tv recently, but longer term having a brother is going to make him far happier (if current shows of affection are anything to go by).

As much as I worried about this, has not been a problem and I could not imagine my family without my two little boys. We feel complete now.

nickytwotimes · 08/03/2010 17:15

Ach, she'll be fine.

I am due number 2 in a few months and I am sure ds will find it a bit odd at first, but from frineds with 2 plus, newborns are generally boring and insignificant to their bigger siblings. When htey get older, sure they fight and squabble, but they also play and have fun.

You sound very normal to me.

MaMight · 08/03/2010 17:21

Well, the truth is that sometimes is is a bit crap for the 1st born having to share everything that was previously all theirs. And getting fobbed off with cBeebies because you need to do baby things. And not being able to do all the precious little outings and projects that you have time to do when you only have one.

But there are moments of absolute knee melting gorgeousness between them too. My second born's 1sr word was his sister's name, followed by "disder". They play together. They giggle together. They love each other. My eldest is ernestly proud of her little bro, and furiously protective of him.

And, more importantly, big picture: 1st born won't actually remember that she had fewer trips to the library and ate beans on toast slightly too often for 6 months. What she will have is a sibling for the rest of her life.

I would probably have prefered to be an only child, given the choice. As an adult I can't imagine a life without my brothers.

KurriKurri · 08/03/2010 17:21

I agree with the poster who said its hard to imagine loving another child so overwhelmingly as you do your first - but you will.

My DS was 5 when his sister was born, and I worried a lot about the effect on him as he'd been an only for so long. But he adored her the minute he saw her, and always has. They are grown up now and the very best of friends.

CarrieJF · 08/03/2010 17:32

Love for children is like candle light.

The first candle burns bright, and then along come another candle, lit from the first.

And both candle burn brightly alongside each other. The flame of love for the first child isn't diminished by the love for second and subsequent children.

CarrieJF (Mum to 3 candles )

heQet · 08/03/2010 17:35

When you have your first child, you love them with all your heart and you think that you couldn't possibly love another child as much - you'd have to love your first child less to make room or something.

But actually, you grow another heart just for them!

Oh dear, I made myself queasy saying something so barftastic but it's true.

Original poster
retrodolly · 08/03/2010 17:44

Wheee!! Am so glad I AIBU'd .... I've now got several very good reasons to repeat to myself whenever anxiety strikes thanks to MathsMad, EvilTwins, Mistletoe

DD1, very affectionate and loving, will adore a little friend and playmate and I know will love him/her to bits and, yes, be someone to conspire with at family do's... (much as I did with my lil bro)

EvilTwins -- what an adorable story about your Mom, all misty-eyed here

MaMight -- at beans on toast too often...

OP posts:
Original poster
retrodolly · 08/03/2010 17:45

@ gandj: how wonderful for you, good luck with DC2. I'm sure your DD will love having a sibling.

OP posts:
Original poster
retrodolly · 08/03/2010 17:47

Lol @ heQet: am going to try growing another heart... wondering what I should eat...

OP posts:
diddl · 08/03/2010 17:54

Well babies take a lot of time, but they do also sleep a lot-leaving time for you & firstborn.
I bfed both mine & often toddler would sit having a cuddle/story whilst baby feeding.

I also tried to not make toddler´s needs take second place to baby´s needs.

tummytime · 08/03/2010 18:00

I had the same worries. DD is nearly 3 and DS is 5mo. He gazes at her in absolute adoration whenever she is in the room, she cuddles him, kisses him goodnight and translates for him. He is still a boring newborn so it will be lovely when he is bigger...

It really as the others say. You love the older one so much you don't think you can love anyone as much, but you do. Really.

GoldenSnitch · 08/03/2010 18:13

I'm one of 4 and do not remember either of my 2 sisters being born. I remember the wait for my brother though and how excited I was when he came home. We're all grown up now and all of my memories of my childhood revolve around how great it was to have siblings rather than how much time I missed out on.

Last summer I was getting broody too and just the sight of poor DS sat alone on his see-saw was enough to get me tearful - I felt he needed a sibling.

I worried too about how he would feel about the new member of our family and how I would possibly love another child as much - but DD has been here for almost 12 weeks now and I love her just as much as her brother. She loves him too and will watch him over anyone else when he's in the room.

And DS (aged 3) - well last week I caught him telling her that he loves her everyday

suiledonne · 08/03/2010 18:20

I felt the same when considering a dc2. And someone on here told me 'the love you feel doesn't halve, it doubles' and it is so true.

I am also a SAHM and spent every moment of 2.5 years with dd1 until dd2 came along.

They are 16 months and nearly 4 now and love each other so much.

When dd1 was 3.5 she was in hospital for a couple of nights -it broke my heart to hear her asking for her sister. She just kept saying she needed her baby sister.

ProfYaffle · 08/03/2010 18:34

I think everyone feels that way before they have dc2. I'm an only child but I have 2dds and I'm soooooo glad that I do. It has been amazing to their relationship grow and develop, now at nearly 6 and 3 they are best friends. It makes me sad that I've never experienced the sibling bond.

earwaxbanisher · 08/03/2010 18:40

I felt a bit like that before having dd,but my ds would be lost without his little sister they have great fun together.They enjoy each others company more then me or dh!DD cries when DS goes to playschool.Also Ds probably got more spoiled after ds was born as we were over compansating big style

Jamieandhismagictorch · 08/03/2010 18:44

YANBU, but you are wrong !

The love grows. The second one gives so much to the first one, as well.

Lonnie · 08/03/2010 18:46

Utterly normal feelings.. and something I think every parent struggles with as they await the arrival of number 2.

I still now 10 years on recall the feeling when dd2 arrived she was a homebirth and i looked down on her I didnt get the thunderbolt of love I had with dd1 it was far more subtle than that she opened her eyes looked at me and then there was as much love for her in my heart as there was for dd1 it was not a OMG thing it was more sort of a little squirm and there is room for me here too and oh there was..

And room for ds and dd3 when they came along too

I will also say that when I watch my children together sharring enjoying each other it makes me love them even more than I did before