Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU... to not want 2nd child for sake of beloved DD?

113 replies

retrodolly · 08/03/2010 16:58

I'm feeling very.... very broody... in fact, I just need to see a cute little squirming bundle in some beaming mom's arms... to be almost overcome with pangs of broodiness...

But... and here's the very stupid dilemma I've bound myself with...

What happens to DD1 (2y.o.) when there's a littler one needing more attention? We've spent almost every waking minute together since her birth, I'm happily a SAHM after a 11 year career. DH loves her too but he works fulltime plus we have no family in this city. Who will look after her/spoil her/comfort her?

Please come and tell me to stop being silly or whatever it is MN does so well in AIBUs

I promise not to start wailing
or flounce off

x

OP posts:
MindySimmons · 09/03/2010 14:12

BTW TheDevilWearsPrimark - how amazing and what a great team! Think you are absolutely right about dd and the skills it will give her too.

fallon8 · 09/03/2010 14:15

Honestly, nature is a wonderful thing, it just falls into place, no one can tell you,it will be fine, you love all of them, but differently.

scottishmummy · 09/03/2010 14:29

dwp,no ifs about my post.you misconstrued it.try reading again and see that i mean it is enriching for dd to have depth and range of emotions and empathic experiences

you do a nice line in getting wrong end of stick and getting hump were none necessary.but a bad day makes us all touchy.so apology accepted

TheDevilWearsPrimark · 09/03/2010 14:31

Extra apologies - sorry SM.

scottishmummy · 09/03/2010 14:34

your two sound like pair of smashers.and such bond is really deep and completely spontaneous,in that you cant compel a child to be kind,nurturing.has to be in them

TheDevilWearsPrimark · 09/03/2010 14:47

Ah thanks. I do agree , although - I never encouraged DD to 'help' with her brother, she just did from a tiny age.

I do worry though that she might feel it a burden as she gets older, but thats just speculation.

One of my best friends at school would escort her brother into school every day, fend off bullies etc and it has made her what she is today.

He Sadly died age 22 - since she has done treks etc for charities, runs an amazing support group for parents of disabled children and works as a counsellor.

scottishmummy · 09/03/2010 14:54

understandable,to worry.as i see it as long as your dd has choice and doesn't feel compelled or impinged she should continue to have that rapport.which as i said is enriching.i was at uni with friend who was had sibling who had debilitating illness.she was really able to draw on that empathy.her real life experience

and i do understand trepidation about sharing details of your children away from sn

Original poster
retrodolly · 09/03/2010 15:29

Devilwearsprimark that's such a lovely story, I think you might like my SIL's one:

her eldest, now in her teens, has CP, but is able to take her A-levels and hopes to attend uni. SIL's DD2, a very lively affectionate girl about 8, did something very cute. She wrote a letter to her sister's future Uni:

"Plees take care of my sister, I lov her very much."

Mind you, they spend most of their waking hours fighting over the Wii and the TV remote and various toys

OP posts:
sayithowitis · 09/03/2010 17:40

We, and especially DH had this concern when we were expecting DC2. We just didn't know how we would be able to love another child to the same degree as DC1, yet not deprive DC1 of any love IYSWIM. But, amazingly, when DC2 was born, it was as though another great big pot of love was born at the same time! Really, it is possble to love more than one Dc at a time, without any of them losing out in any way. In fact, they all gain from the extra love that is around!

piscesmoon · 09/03/2010 17:56

I find it really weird that there is only so much love to give and if you have another DC it has to take some of the love from the first!
Having another only takes some time away from the first and that it a good thing IMO. DCs need time to be left alone and to be bored. If one DC has all that time and attention poured into them it can be smothering when they get a bit older and I expect they would welcome a sibling to lighten the load!!

LittleAngelicRose · 09/03/2010 18:11

I know someone who refused to consider the idea of a second child because he loved his son too much. What he didn't understand is that you don't love the first less to spare some love for the second, your heart just expands to encompass the second and the feelings you have for the first do not diminish.

For me my second was easier to look after anyway, I wasn't as tired and I wasn't as anxious, so the impact wasn't so great as it was with the first. And you adapt, children are extremely adaptable and few people turn out damaged because their parents had a second child! Go for it if you want to, it will be OK.

piscesmoon · 09/03/2010 19:02

I had to wait a long time for my second and I felt it was all so much better for him-he got what he really needed more than anything else-benign neglect-it was far healthier for him.

BabyGiraffes · 09/03/2010 21:44

Please just go for it!! I had a tough time getting as far as having dd1 (now 2.9) and then got bad PND. When dd2 was born, I fell in love all over again. She's now 5 weeks, a very different baby to dd1 both in looks and character, and if anything it has made me love dd1 even more!!! I am also so much more relaxed than first time round and I am actually enjoying both girls. I am so so pleased we have two now who will be great friends in years to come, and I am already thinking about having a third (I am one of four and have a seriously strong bond to my siblings now we are all adults). Felt all emotional today when dd1 tried to calm an unsettled dd2 while I made breakfast - she gently rocked the bouncer, offered her a dummy, went and got one of her books to show her, gave her a cloth to hold and brought her a soft toy... And tonight she changed dd2s nappy with very little help from me! (She's practiced for months with her doll...). She has her moments of jealousy but overall seems delighted to have a baby sister and is very protective of her when other people (dare to) look at the baby
DD2 is really sociable and I think it would have been cruel for her to be an only child.

Nightshoe · 10/03/2010 01:27

It is quite possible to benignly neglect one child. I cannot understand the assumption that because you have one child you hover over their heads tossing around craft materials, playing pretend and taking them on endless educative outings.

DCs do indeed need time to be left alone and be bored. Siblings are irrelvant.

I'm sure that anyone who has multiple children will love them all, the OP should go for it if she really wants to, I'm sure it will be great.

However, there is no need to negate one child families in a justification of your own reproductive choices.

piscesmoon · 10/03/2010 07:41

I never managed to benignly neglect one DC and I had 8 years to try! It was much easier when I had two DCs and even easier when I had three.I felt it was much nicer for DC1.

RebeccaRabbit · 10/03/2010 08:51

DD2 is really sociable and I think it would have been cruel for her to be an only child.

LOL at being cruel to a sociable only child. Being cruel is beating a child, verbally abusing him/her, neglecting, degrading, starving, him/her. Lots of people are unable to have a second child - are they cruel? We have an only by choice and she is very sociable too and has lots of friends. When they're not around she's sociable with us or occupies herself happily. Of course she's not a teenager yet so we haven't had the opportunity to "smother" her with our expectations.

DH and I do have careers and interests of our own you know

cory · 10/03/2010 09:19

No rights or wrongs about it: if you want another, have one. If you do not want one, don't. Either way, your current dd will not be a deprived child. There are so many different ways of having a wonderful childhood. To my children, a big part of it is having each other. To another child, it will be something different.

oliviacrumble · 10/03/2010 09:37

I had the exact same worries when expecting dc2.It is completely normal to feel this way, imo.

Now we have 3 dc, and there is no nicer feeling in the word than the joy I get from seeing them play happily together.

Unfortunately I only get to experience this joy for about 7 minutes every 6 months, as they generally tend to fight like wild animals, and have all individually expressed their deep desire to be an only child.

Still kids eh? What do they know anyway?
You have boundless capacity for love as a mother, and are DEFINITELY not depriving dc1.
Good luck!

imgonnaliveforever · 10/03/2010 11:08

DC2 (or DC3,DC4, however many you choose to have) will NEVER have this special time alone with you that DD1 has had. They will always have to share you, and you will love them just as much.

Having another child is the best way to teach DD1 valuable lessons about sharing, and also that she is not the most important person in the world (even if she is one of the most important two!)

Hobnobfanatic · 10/03/2010 11:23

I share this worry - but it's actually BECAUSE of dd1 that I was so very desperate for another child. When I'm dead and gone, I didn't want DD1 to be family-less. Having a sibling to support her, someone who shared her childhood and memories, will be so important in the future.

At least that's the theory. I'm still panicking a bit about how she'll cope, having been my one and only (single parent for most of her life) for almost 6.5 years.

Good luck!

tootyflooty · 10/03/2010 11:52

yanbu, it's new territory when you have only one, I now have 3 and you will always have more than enough love for all of them, as for time, you just juggle as best you can, the long term benefits of siblings far out way any struggles when they are small. Just go for it.

CirrhosisByTheSea · 10/03/2010 12:33

agree with cory - no rights or wrongs

If you want another have one, and have faith that you will find a way to give each as much as you can even if it is not possible to give undivided attention to one at all times

or don't, and enjoy just bringing up your daughter.

Whichever you prefer will be right for you and yours!

CirrhosisByTheSea · 10/03/2010 12:34

in fact, the only 'wrong' I see is people who talk about it being 'cruel' to be a singleton

It is not cruel. there are ways of meeting needs for company without another child. That makes me really cross. It's not cruelty for goodness sake. Thoughtless and mean to post that.

Nightshoe · 10/03/2010 19:56

Piscesmoon - exactly - you couldn't benignly neglect one so you chose to have another. That is great for you, but it doesn't mean that it is impossible to leave an only to get on with it themselves, does it?

Numptynoggin · 10/03/2010 20:13

Haven't read the whole thread, but I am an only child and it is now as an adult I am most jealous of my friends who have siblings... and mourn the fact I will never be an aunt

it is a juggling act and and adjustment to go from one to two, or two to three, but my guys, although they fight, get soo much pleasure out of being with each other, and they often all sleep in the same bed.

of course you will be nervous about having more than one, but we all deal with it, and you will too. hug

Swipe left for the next trending thread