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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU... to not want 2nd child for sake of beloved DD?

113 replies

retrodolly · 08/03/2010 16:58

I'm feeling very.... very broody... in fact, I just need to see a cute little squirming bundle in some beaming mom's arms... to be almost overcome with pangs of broodiness...

But... and here's the very stupid dilemma I've bound myself with...

What happens to DD1 (2y.o.) when there's a littler one needing more attention? We've spent almost every waking minute together since her birth, I'm happily a SAHM after a 11 year career. DH loves her too but he works fulltime plus we have no family in this city. Who will look after her/spoil her/comfort her?

Please come and tell me to stop being silly or whatever it is MN does so well in AIBUs

I promise not to start wailing
or flounce off

x

OP posts:
ben5 · 09/03/2010 05:57

i was worried to but now ds1 and ds2 get on well. they have brotherly love sometimes but they miss each other when not in each others company. ds1 is very protective of ds2 and its lovely to watch them play together

retrodolly · 09/03/2010 10:39

@PacificDogwood: how exciting! wishing you lots of luck for a lovely, calm birth...

I imagine it will be a beautiful moment when the older children meet their new sibling... awwww....

OP posts:
redwhiteandblue · 09/03/2010 10:59

You are being pfb but not unreasonable

Everyone feels like this, to some extent

I think all the she will adore having a sibling stuff is rose-tinted, actually. IME most older children are put out quite considerably by having a younger sibling, they just show it in different ways. And nearly all siblings fight. A lot. And that can be very annoying and wearing for you.

I'm the oldest and my oldest friends and I all agree that life was never quite the same once our siblings came along. But what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. Its good for you to not be the only fish in the pond. You have to learn sooner or later to share love, it's good to have to constantly share space and people with another child and learn how to negotiate it.

As for you, you will love your second dc just as much and at times, depending on who is behaving better, more than dd1. You just will. And although the early days can be very tough, in the end you will be so glad you went for it.

PrettyCandles · 09/03/2010 11:09

Yes you are being silly!

There is no limit to the amount of love your heart can hold. Loving another child will not mean you love your first child any less - if anything your love for her may increase, as you realise how she has grown and developed into a marvelous little person compared to the mewling puking pooing little scrap she once was and her younger sib now is.

You have two hands, and two legs to form a lap. You can cuddle them both, laugh with them both, lose your temper with them both - all at the same time. And most days you will find some precious moments to spend alone with your dc1 and alone with your dc2.

Go for it!

retrodolly · 09/03/2010 11:15

@frankiecat: poor you, I had a difficult birth too and had PND and am still on tablets too ... but I remember the highs of pregnancy and being permanently euphoric...

more scarily, I'm 39 , so its now or never for me...

OP posts:
Soapsy · 09/03/2010 11:42

I was the other way round from you. I desperately wanted a second one, for my son's benefit, not mine. I loathed being pregnant, hated the first few months of motherhood, didn't really feel I loved my son until he was about 18 months old. Probably mostly for the same reasons Frankiecat gives, awful birth, PND, and a less than understanding husband etc.

But, I really didn't want my son to be an only child, particularly with being a forces family, and having to move him away his friends every couple of years, so I knew it had to be got through. My husband however, really doesn't get on with his brother even now as adults (understandably so, the guy's a twat), so could see no benefit to siblings, and didn't want me to go through PND again (he's learning understanding slowly).

Cue several years of argument, me giving up the argument as too near to 40 now, when I accidentally fell pregnant. And now at 7.5 months pregnant, and too late to do anything different, I'm terrified that this is a major mistake. But, I know that this is just me being scared about the next few months, tired, hormonal etc. My son at 4.5 is VERY excited, and looking forward to helping. We'll see how long that lasts! He had been asking for months when his sister was coming, because all his friends had them.

In summary, I think we all have inner conflicts about whether our decisions are the right ones, and those conflicts can change from day to day (in my case, at least)

taffetacat · 09/03/2010 12:34

OP - I have many, many friends who had their second child in their forties.

Chulita · 09/03/2010 12:49

I'm 20wks pregnant, and have been a sahm to DD for her whole 15 mths of life. DH was away for the first 6 months of her life and we're a Forces family so I live nowhere near anyone to babysit. In short, DD has never been away from me for longer than about 2 hours (and even then only 4 times). We really want her to have at least one sibling but I'm often wondering about how she'll feel about it and worrying about 'ignoring' her when the LO gets here but I'm one of 5 and I love having siblings. I do worry about it though, I'm sure it's normal!
So, YABU and stop being silly if both of you want another, don't let pfb feelings stop you!

seeker · 09/03/2010 12:58

"Dh said at the time if you dont get the love at first me and his brothers will love him til you do"

Now that really made me weep!

Watching your children interact is the best thing ever. Our heating broke down last night, and watching my two (now 9 and 14) cuddled up together under a heap of rugs watching The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy and eating Chinese takeaway out of the same bowl (really classy, we are!) made me turn to jelly.

You'll be fine - and so will your children. promise!

retrodolly · 09/03/2010 13:09

Awww... @seeker... how lovely!

(never mind the takeaway, any family that watches Hitchhiker is fine by me )

OP posts:
RebeccaRabbit · 09/03/2010 13:14

"I think a sibling is the best thing you could do for your child. Most of the only children I know (sorry parents of onlys) have just too much of everything - too much attention, too much pressure, too many hopes and dreams put into that one little person".

That's complete nonsense, musicposy. My DD is an only and there is no pressure on her to be anything. There are plenty of parents of 2 or more who put pressure on their kids, favour one child over the other, neglect them all ... and there are many siblings who loathe each other.

I think the OP will love her 2nd child as much as her first but please don't paint a picture of parents of one child as overbearing. We're mums and dads just like the rest of you

scottishmummy · 09/03/2010 13:18

Jesus wept spurious only children are selfish/spoiled/hot housed/apple of parental eye

that argument just drips with clichés - risible raelly

PacificDogwood · 09/03/2010 13:22

Thanks for good wishes, retrodolly

Just feel compelled to add to those who feel their time for further DCs is 'running out':

I was just a whisker short of my 37th birthday when I had DS1 and will be 44 next month, just a few weeks after DS4's EDD (today).

Much as I said above I do not think there is an ideal gap, I also do not think there is an ideal family size - whatever works for you, is right for you; if you are lucky enough to achieve the size of family you hope for.

Anxieties over it all are normal and natural, although I sometimes think we tend to overthink things a bit...

Chulita · 09/03/2010 13:24

Ooh, yes, sending labour vibes your way pacificdogwood

happynappies · 09/03/2010 13:28

When I was in hospital about to have #2 it was the first time I'd left my then 2-year-old dd, as in overnight. I was sobbing to my dh that I couldn't bear to be without her, and was so worried about how she was (absolutely fine with grandparents, not batting an eyelid!)... as the contractions intensified I put my dd out of my mind for the first time in two years, and a few hours later held my ds in my arms. A strange feeling, as I didn't 'know' the baby in the way that I knew my dd, but he's 12 months old now, and they love each other so much - like other people have said it is magical to watch them together sometimes. They also chase each other around and take each others toys etc, but having a brother/sister to play with/be with gives them both so much. I couldn't have imagined it at the time I was pregnant with my second, but so many people love more than one child - go for it, you won't regret it!

TheDevilWearsPrimark · 09/03/2010 13:30

This isn't an 'ordinary' situation but I now know firsthand how important sibling relationships are.

DS has autism, there is about a year between him and his younger sister.

I have told by professionals we have worked with and I know for myself that without his sister he would be a very different child.

I remember sobbing when I first saw him doing imaginative play, all led by DD. She gives him hugs and reassures him when he is upset in a way no adult can. Similarly he only started to play with, rather than alongside, other children when DD joined his preschool, because he had his sister he knows and trusts it gave him the confidence.

They are terribly close, I call them a team.

His speech is coming along in leaps and bounds and though he is 5 and still doubly incontinent his sister is encouraging him, and e have had a few breakthroughs with her randomly taking him and him pooing.

She was unplanned but clearly a godsend, I can't imagine life without my two.

That said, I'm not sure I will have any more children now.

scottishmummy · 09/03/2010 13:33

that sounds like a beautiful therapeutic bond they share

TheDevilWearsPrimark · 09/03/2010 13:37

Oh and there's also the fact I had to move their beds into one room as they always ended up sleeping together anyway

I'll often find them squashed into one toddler bed sleeping and hugging - guaranteed to get me misty eyed (and bringing the camera)

scottishmummy · 09/03/2010 13:38

awwww,im getting all wet eyed

TheDevilWearsPrimark · 09/03/2010 13:41

It really is Scottishmummy - I hope it will set DD up well for her school years as she is very caring and non judgemental.

scottishmummy · 09/03/2010 13:44

most certainly will be enriching life experience for both (and you)

TheDevilWearsPrimark · 09/03/2010 13:45

ah you are taking the piss as usual scottishmummy?

Cheers for that -

why the fuck do you bother?

scottishmummy · 09/03/2010 13:50

what the hell are you on about.i genuinely responded to you.now for whatever reason you perceive that as a slight or an attack?

TheDevilWearsPrimark · 09/03/2010 14:06

Sorry if I got it wrong but you do a good line in sarcasm/ snippy post.

As you surely know.

And I rarely open up about DS's problems on here, and if I do it's on the SN boards so you can see why I might be defensive.

Apologies if your posts were heartfelt, I'm having a shitter of a day so am on the defensive

MindySimmons · 09/03/2010 14:09

Just want to second RebeccaRabbit, those cliches really detract in these discussion and doesn't help anyone. You could start going on about birth order disadvantages and all those other labels that try and spoil the wonderfulness that is families in all shapes and sizes.

As for OP - Both my closest friends have just had or are having 2nd, both went through exactly what you describe and although exhausting (sleepy face emoticon!), the love just grew for them.

I'm in the camp that I don't think having another just for the sake of providing a sibling is actually enough reason, but your broodiness and obvious desire for another, whilst adoring your first sounds like you are well set to love having another.