Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU... to not want 2nd child for sake of beloved DD?

113 replies

retrodolly · 08/03/2010 16:58

I'm feeling very.... very broody... in fact, I just need to see a cute little squirming bundle in some beaming mom's arms... to be almost overcome with pangs of broodiness...

But... and here's the very stupid dilemma I've bound myself with...

What happens to DD1 (2y.o.) when there's a littler one needing more attention? We've spent almost every waking minute together since her birth, I'm happily a SAHM after a 11 year career. DH loves her too but he works fulltime plus we have no family in this city. Who will look after her/spoil her/comfort her?

Please come and tell me to stop being silly or whatever it is MN does so well in AIBUs

I promise not to start wailing
or flounce off

x

OP posts:
nickschick · 08/03/2010 18:47

I cried myself physically sick on our last holiday before ds3 came I just couldnt see i could love a baby- but i did it will be ok.

Dh said at the time if you dont get the love at first me and his brothers will love him til you do- but i had it,it was there as soon as I saw him.

Megatron · 08/03/2010 18:52

I could have written this myself 3 and half years ago. Although we wanted a second child, I remember actually being quite upset when I fell pregnant because I immediately started worrying that I wouldn't be able to love the new baby as much as DS. When I was very heavily pregnant I can remember absolutely sobbing to my friend that although I thought I would love my little newbie, I adored my son sooooo much I just couldn't imagine loving another person as much, I really couldn't. Then DD was born and all my worries fell away as soon as I saw her. Things DO change but in my experience for the better and it was exciting for DS too, as it was for all of us. They are both immense, fantastic little people and I love them BOTH with all my heart. Now if you'll excuse me I have to go before they kill each other over some Lego drama.

thesecondcoming · 08/03/2010 19:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
retrodolly · 08/03/2010 19:39

Lol @ Megatron (now if that isn't a boy's mummy's name, I don't know what is )...

@Lonnie - what a beautiful image - when your baby first looks at you, it is the most amazing thing - [besotted emoticon]

Love reading all your stories of little ones loving their baby brother/sister... need them... all I remember is the pitched battles me and my brother had when we were kids ...

OP posts:
chipmonkey · 08/03/2010 20:01

When ds3 and ds4 had chicken pox, at least they could hug each other!

follygirl · 08/03/2010 20:04

YANBU
However I absolutely adore my DD but tbh I cannot imagine not having my gorgeous DS. There is a gap of 2 years between them and they absolutely really love each other.
I do love them both exactly the same. I think that if you can have another baby, you will be giving your DD such a big gift. My two dc have permanent playmates, they love playing together, yes they do fight sometimes but they always make up.
They do have to share my attention but I don't think that is a bad thing. My dd has learnt a lot about being considerate of younger children and my DS loves copying his big sister. It's fantastic! It is a cliche, but yes our family feels complete.

Cathpot · 08/03/2010 20:14

I agree with all these posts- I would say that initially things will be 'worse' for your first child, and you will need strategies while they get used to sharing you, (eg a bag of toys for them when you are feeding the baby/ a relaxed attitude to cbeebies) but it so quickly becomes so much better for them.

There is nearly 2.5 years between my daughters and my eldest does not remember life before she had a sister- and now at 5 she has a permanent play mate, its fab.

I also think it gives you repetitive daily opportunties to praise and reward kind/ sharing type behaviours which can help them cope with wider social situations as they get older.

And dont forget the bonus for you and DH when the kids go off and play happily together in the park/ on holiday/ on a wet afternoon!

BendyBob · 08/03/2010 20:25

I think for so many different reasons the benefits outweigh the drawbacks.

Instead of seeing it as a dilution of your love, see it as an addition. Your dd may initially get less than 100% attention, but she'll gain much more overall.

She'll share in looking after her baby brother or sister which at her age she'll love being involved in and will adapt well to.

tryingtobemarypoppins2 · 08/03/2010 20:26

I have just had a second baby (2 weeks ago). DS has found it really hard bless him, but he will have a play mate for life now, someone to care for and be cared by. I also think it will make him less spoiled and me me me!!

frankiecat · 08/03/2010 20:32

YANBU, but i can understand in a way. I don't want (and probably will not have ) another one due to how i feel about my DD. I want to be able to maintain the freedom we have now she is just over 3.5yrs. we can take her anywhere, etc. she is great company and we love her so much i dont want another kiddie to spoil it for her or us. i had a brother and sister and we did fight for attention sometimes. i was oldest and its a horrible place to be in the pecking order. i dont want her to go through that. I/we also had a terrible birth and i had v.bad PND and still on tablets, so maybe thats got a lot to do with it. maybe im scared?
she starts school this sep and will be one of the youngest. i dont want any distractions while i need to concentrate on giving her a good start. i still havent got back close to my pre-preg weight and i know if i get preggers again i definetly never will, but then im mid 30s now and if i dont do it now, when will i???

2andcounting · 08/03/2010 20:34

i remember worrying that i would not be able to love dc2 as much as i loved dd1 b4 she was born- fortunately it just doesn't work like that- and when dd2 was born the love just grew with our wee family. it also hadn't really occured to me that it would no longer just be about the love me and dh have for our dc- but also the love they have for one another- which melts my heart everyday. hence the reason dc3 is now on the way

pranma · 08/03/2010 20:37

Everyone worries about this but love expands to encompass all your dc.I was an only child and it can be a lonely place for a child and even worse for an adult.

SE13Mummy · 08/03/2010 20:40

If you'd like to try for another then there's nothing to say that has to be now, whilst your DD is only 2; you could wait for a while, enjoy her single-child status for a while longer and do the trying when she's a bit more independent.

We have two DDs, 4.5 years apart, not by choice or design but after lots of failed pregnancies and being told to expect not to be able to have a second child. Although I wouldn't have chosen a gap of that size it has lots of advantages; DD1 could understand that her sister was never going to replace her/had different needs (some of which are more immediate than hers) but also that she has a role to play as big sister - sometimes that's a hands-on/playmate role and other times it's to set a good example/show how 'big girls' do things. All of the time she's our first daughter though and her sister's arrival will never ever take that away from her. DD1 started school 12 weeks after her sister was born and it still feels at the moment as though we do actually have the best of both worlds; time at home with DD2 being a baby but also plenty of time whilst DD2 sleeps to do the things we enjoy doing with DD1.

Whilst I'd just about come to terms with DD1 being a single child I'm delighted that she has a sister to share her world with and I know from the looks and giggles her sister saves for her that she's been given something more precious than I'd imagined possible.

BogofFun · 08/03/2010 20:56

My friend visited today with her second baby and she was telling me how much her two year old loves his little brother- he will rock him in his baby chair if he cries, and loves being allowed to kiss and cuddle him: it really sounded like they have a great bond. And my friend was telling me how much more relaxed and able she was to really enjoy the new baby, as he was far less colicky and hard work than the first one. I'm sure it works like that for a lot of mothers- try not to worry.

j0807bump · 08/03/2010 21:15

don't know whether YABU or not

DS is 2.7 and our new arrival is coming end may. i'm SAHM similar family situ and it scares the heck out of me.

gonna find out soon enough though!

taffetacat · 08/03/2010 21:18

I love both mine equally and dearly. For me, the first love ( DS ) will always be the first love.

Its a very different love with DD. I have enjoyed her since the moment she was born. I didn't worry, worry, worry like I still do with DS.

As lots of people have said, it is an eye brimming, heart bursting joy when they cuddle each other etc. Indescribable bliss.

weaselm4 · 08/03/2010 21:41

taffetacat you have expressed my feelings for my two exactly. I too have a DS (firstborn) and a DD (2.11 years younger) and I'm really enjoying how different they are.

I'm also thinking they will probably gang up on me when they are older...

And as an adult, I would not be without my lovely "little" brother. Siblings are great

MillyMollyMoo · 08/03/2010 22:10

Read siblings without rivalry before deciding to see how well you will manage two or more children and their individual needs.
Lots of people should only have one and lots of people would do better in life as an only child.
It's not always magical, but that's usually down to how the parents handle the relationship.

musicposy · 08/03/2010 23:14

I think a sibling is the best thing you could do for your child. Most of the only children I know (sorry parents of onlys) have just too much of everything - too much attention, too much pressure, too many hopes and dreams put into that one little person. I know what that's like - I was like it with my first until my second was born. Having a second doesn't alter the love you have for your first in any way, but it does take some of the pressure and relentless attention off of them - and that's a good thing for them, I promise you.

I do know where you are coming from. Even when I was expecting my second, I kept on saying I couldn't possibly love her as much as my DD, and I had quite a lot of moments of resentment because I felt the new baby would take me away from DD1. The minute DD2 was born, though, I adored her, absolutely adored her. DH pushed me into having a second, and I am so, so glad he did. Be reassured that I still have a really special bond with my eldest, which nothing can take away. But life without my youngest is something I couldn't even imagine now.

Having two is good for you as a parent. Siblings often have such different personalities - and you start to realise that some of their little foibles aren't all your fault! My eldest would never sleep - was running around at midnight each night, much to the scorn of other parents. Suddenly with DD2, I had a child that slept! And suddenly I thought, "it wasn't my fault after all!" This sort of thing makes you a calmer and more balanced parent - you get a wider view on things.

Now my girls are 14 and 10 and I'm expecting number 3. I'm very excited but I keep thinking, of course, I won't love this one like I love my two girls! Yet once it is born, I am sure I will be amazed how the love I had originally for one child could have doubled and then tripled to make room for three!

carocaro · 08/03/2010 23:16

YANBU

But you do tend to see your first through big rose tinted glasses, I have 5 years between my two boys.

So for 5 years it was just us, of course DH too, but we were and still all so close. I was really worried about how baby no 2 was going to impeed on our relationship, especially when I found out the baby was another boy; would I love him the same? would he be such a truly stunning child as my first born?

But TAA-DAAAAAAAAA! When he was born, he opened up a whole new seam of love inside me, very much like a diamond mine, you don't even know you have that love inside you until you strike it. Some also say the baby brings the love you need!

I look at them both now, 7 and 3, and I am just amazed at how much I love them both, my relationship with DS1 did not change, it grew.

Getting all cheesey here but I hope you ge tmy point.

SparklyJules · 08/03/2010 23:22

As a very wise woman once told me (my grandmother) when I had the very same wibble as you...Love does not DIVIDE - it MULTIPLIES!!

Joolyjoolyjoo · 08/03/2010 23:29

Aww- YANBU, I'm sure it's normal to feel this way. I remember watching Bear in the Big Blue House with dd1 while pregnant with dd2, and it was an episode about a little duckling who leaves home after everyone tells him his mum won't have time for him now she a new egg to hatch I bawled for an hour afterwards!

Now I love watching the relationship between my girls (and their brother now too!) In fact dd1 asked me once if they were twins, as she doesn't remember a time without her little sis. They sleep in the same room, and if one isn't there for any reason (illness etc) the other can't sleep. I was an only child, much-loved and not through choice, but I yearned for a sibling and I am really enjoying watching the dynamics of the sibling relationship (not so much enjoying dealing with the fallout when they all scrap, but you can't have it all!)

coralanne · 09/03/2010 04:42

I never gave it a thought when I was DC2.

However when DS (almost 3) walked into the hospital room with his dad I burst into tears.

I couldn't help thinking, "My poor baby how could I have gone and left you".

He climbed into the bed with me and went to sleep.

I love my children equally but I will never forget how I felt at that moment and he has always been extra special to me.

coralanne · 09/03/2010 04:44

Should be "When I was pregnant with DC2"

PacificDogwood · 09/03/2010 05:19

All these lovely posts have made me cry! As DS1 would say 'happy tears' .

OP, YANBU, but as somebody else so succinctly said, you are wrong .

I felt terribly guilty when DS1 became an older brother when he was just over 1 year old. And from a practical point of view that first year or 2 with both of them was hard. However, I have never regretted it since, they are the best of buddies and when if they fight they are evenly matched .

Every baby arrives with its own 'portion' of love, and yes, sometimes it is a sudden overwhelming gush and sometimes it is a slow build, but its always there.

I was one of 2; my brother and I did of course also fight, but I cannot imagine life without him, neither as a child, nor now - although we live in different countries.

If you are broody and your DH is too , then go for it.
Now ideal age gaps, there's a discussion for another thread....