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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU... to not want 2nd child for sake of beloved DD?

113 replies

retrodolly · 08/03/2010 16:58

I'm feeling very.... very broody... in fact, I just need to see a cute little squirming bundle in some beaming mom's arms... to be almost overcome with pangs of broodiness...

But... and here's the very stupid dilemma I've bound myself with...

What happens to DD1 (2y.o.) when there's a littler one needing more attention? We've spent almost every waking minute together since her birth, I'm happily a SAHM after a 11 year career. DH loves her too but he works fulltime plus we have no family in this city. Who will look after her/spoil her/comfort her?

Please come and tell me to stop being silly or whatever it is MN does so well in AIBUs

I promise not to start wailing
or flounce off

OP posts:

CirrhosisByTheSea · 10/03/2010 20:27

I have a sibling - we live on different continents and although I love him and we have never fallen out, we have almost no contact at all. He dislikes children - I will never be an aunt either!

Thing is with this, there are no guarantees of what a sibling will bring you or not bring you. It is very easy to want or hanker after what you think it will bring.

My mum for instance is one of 6; when my grandad needed care at the end of his life nearly all the responsibility came down on her for various reasons; so having siblings didn't help there. I remember talking to her once after he'd died and saying "at least you can talk about him with your brothers and sisters" and she said something which really made me think; she said that yes to some degree they could talk about some shared history with him together but also, they each had their own unique relationship with him that was very different and no amount of siblings actually could share your exact feelings on losing a parent.

I've never heard a justification for having another that I could agree with - other than, "I want another".

MindySimmons · 11/03/2010 10:10

CBTS - could not agree more - lost my Dad on Nov and have 3 sisters. My relationship with my dad is my relationship and the pain has not diminished any by having siblings. Neither has the sense of responsibility I have now for my mum (2 out of the 3 are useless in this regard!)

However, for a little while it did raise the whole 'am I depriving dd' but like I've said, on reflection, no one can guarantee what siblings or no siblings will bring. Overall in my experience, overbearing or neglectful parenting has no correlation with family size, only craziness of the parents!

So as CBTS says, the justification is that you want them and that's the best reason

troublewithtalk · 11/03/2010 18:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

shatteredmumsrus · 11/03/2010 18:21

after speaking to other parents who have ojust the 1 child they seem to have it harder. They have to occupy them all y themselves as they have no siblings to play with. I love seeng my 2 boys playing footy together and would never have had just the 1if it was in my power but each to their own i say! There are no rules x

CirrhosisByTheSea · 12/03/2010 19:34

shatteredmums that's true! you do end up doing alot of playing - but for me that's great, I love it though yes it can be hard work

The pleasure you get from watching your boys together I get from watching DS with his cousins who are very close. Plus I get the bonus of not having the sibling rivalry or fights before bedtime to deal with on a daily basis

I am a great advocate for single children - no downsides, for us

Ellokitty · 12/03/2010 19:58

CBTS

"Thing is with this, there are no guarantees of what a sibling will bring you or not bring you. It is very easy to want or hanker after what you think it will bring. "

Whilst you are right, there is no guarantee, but there is a possibility. Whereas, with a single you can guarantee that they will never have this relationship.

I have a friend who is divorced and an only, and I really felt for her when she said, when "my parents have gone I'll have no-one." She regrets being an only and has decided (in her words) not to inflict that on her children. She is not the only adult 'only' child I know who feels this way.

But, then I also think it is horses for courses, everyone has got different circumstances, and needs to what what is right for them.

CirrhosisByTheSea · 12/03/2010 20:26

I agree with you Ello everyone needs to do what is right for them.

I find it an interesting thing actually - your friend does not like being an only therefore she makes her child not an only....it is perfectly possible that for her child it would not have been a negative experience. We can't know that, so all we can do as adults is do what we see as best for us and ours. For some of us that may be 'inflicting' a single childhood on a child

Rookielove · 05/10/2011 18:35

Personally, I'm an only child and I loved it!

MissPenteuth · 05/10/2011 18:56

This thread is 18 months old. Why are people resurrecting old threads today??

HappyCamel · 05/10/2011 19:07

So when you die who will there be for her in her generation? Where will she go for love, support or even Christmas if she doesn't marry, or is widowed or divorced? Also, the whole burden of supporting you in your old age will fall on her. She might not be able to emigrate, if she wants to, because of leaving you on your own.

I say this as an only child who is determined that my PFB will share their childhood with a sibling, even though we'll have less money, so they can benefit from the lifelong benefits.

My great aunt is 96, she didn't marry, she misses her mum every single day. If her half brother hadn't had kids she'd have no one to visit her now.

Look at the long game.

laymizz · 05/10/2011 19:22

This was me too! I had my DS when DD was 18 months. When I went into labour I was crying my heart out at the thought I was somehow betraying my DD. I was so worried about how I would split my time between the two. When DS was born, I did feel guilty but would factor in some special time just for DD and me. Even though most of the time she wasn't bothered .

Fast forward 20 months, and they're as thick as thieves. When DD wakes up in the morning, his name is the first to pass her lips and when she tells him at night that she loves him, my heart just melts. They're such good playmates and it's an amazing gift for her. The time she doesn't have with me, she gets to have with her brother, which is worth so much more now and even more further down the line.

Funny thing is, now I'm 9 weeks pregnant with DC3 and I'm still having those guilty feelings of changing the family dynamic again. No doubt I'll be in tears again when I go in labour at the thought of it. Totally nuts

exoticfruits · 05/10/2011 19:39

Why not start a new thread? Why do people trawl back?
You will love a second just as much and the eldest would benefit from benign neglect and a sibling-it all seems too intense otherwise.

duckdodgers · 05/10/2011 19:56

rookielove Im full of curiousty why you have replied to a thread thas 18 months old, Its happening loads - you have to search for old threads so why is this all happening?

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