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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

"a full time mum"

293 replies

DuelingFanjo · 01/03/2010 18:36

said whatsername on Relocationthingy.

Surely you're still a full time mum if you work. You're stull a mum anyway. no?

OP posts:
MillyR · 08/03/2010 09:21

I don't know why we have to keep having these debates. It really shouldn't matter to anyone else what SAHMs call themselves or what they get up to when their kids are out at school. It is a tiny group of people anyway - I don't even think anyone in DD's class has a SAHM.

People on maternity leave don't even call themselves SAHM or full time mums - they just say they are on maternity leave.

These threads always descend into people telling each other what they do all day. If you can get all your tasks done by 7pm, well done. I can't.

BattyKoda · 08/03/2010 09:29

I don't see how if you are a nanny looking after children all day, then that is your job. If you are a Mum then it isn't?

Why does it matter what they call themselves?
As it happens, I'm a SAHM/full time mum/non-working mum/whatever. When I was asked by a successful business man, whom we were out having dinner with, what I did for a living, I replied, I'm just a mum. He was horrified that I'd put myself down like that (as in the just bit) and told me I should class myself as a 'full time mum'. I don't, I now always reply, 'I'm a Mum.'

runnybottom · 08/03/2010 09:31

You want to do them strix, you don't have to do them.
You do not have 2 full time jobs, while the sahm has one. Do you think the sahm switches off at 6pm? Listen to yourself, writing notes to your nanny. FFS.

Not getting into such a pathetic argument anyway.

MillyR · 08/03/2010 09:39

I think the whole issue is summed up in the phrase. If you ask a teacher what they do, they say they are a teacher. If you ask a fireman, what he does he says he is a fireman. If you ask some SAHMs what they do, she will not only inform you that her job is full time (which nobody else generally feels the need to do), but also then start telling you in extremely minute detail of what this involves. It all seems very defensive.

This entire thread is just navel gazing.

runnybottom · 08/03/2010 09:54

Are you serious? This thread is not defensive sahm's, its the opposite! Look at the OP and the first posts, its all how dare the smug sahm imply I'm not a full time mother?

Navel gazing yes, but look at your own prejudices before commenting on others (erroneously)

BattyKoda · 08/03/2010 09:54

Errr....

MillyR - see post above. I am a SAHM and when asked, I say I'm a Mum.

I'm yet to come across a SAHM, who when asked 'what do you do' responds by giving every detail of daily tasks

Alot of the time though when you respond 'I'm a SAHM' to the question 'what do you do' your usually met with 'so you spend all day in your dressing gown watching jeremy kyle'.

Strix · 08/03/2010 10:08

runny, you do sound very defensive.

I'm not attacking anyone. Merely have a discussion of the differences. There is no reason this can not be discussed with it becomming petty and argumentative.

I don't think one option is necessarily easier than the other. I think as a working parent I am busier cramming the parenting duties into evening and weekends and early morning than my stay at home friends. But, then, they do a lot of things I would not like to do (like laundry, washing up, kids activities such as swimming) and I am gald I spend my days at work.

Strix · 08/03/2010 10:09

oops...
There is no reason this can not be discussed without it becomming petty and argumentative.

wotdoido · 08/03/2010 10:10

i am effectively a SAHM although I do have a very flexible part time job. Very often I do this job with a toddler in tow.

I really fail to see why we as mums question other peoples choices. There is so much guilt attached to being a parent.

In some ways I would love to be back at work but financiaaly I would probably be no better off after paying for childcare.

I think both working mums and SAHM muims often feel the need to justify their choices.

It really shouldn't be this way.

Strix · 08/03/2010 10:16

Why is this thread about mums and not parents?

MillyR · 08/03/2010 10:17

Because we are on mumsnet, so we are almost all mums.

Strix · 08/03/2010 10:22

Well, I think it should be about dads too. Looking after children and bringing home the money are surely a joint responsibility betweem mum and dad (however mum and dad agree to divide these chores). You may do everything 1/2 and 1/2 or one person may take on childrearing whilst other goes to work and the non-child related domestic chores may fall into the campl of being outsourced.

Surely this is a parents' issue and not a mums' issue.

NoseyNooNoo · 08/03/2010 10:27

I always answer the question, 'What do you do', with 'I am a mum'. I am sorry if anyone has a problem with that. I am answering the question not casting aspersions on anyone else's parenting choices.

It's really dull that women must so often be defensive about their choices and attack other women's choices. I can't see why we can't respect each others' choices rather than slagging each other off in order to comfort ourselves that we've made the best choice.

BattyKoda · 08/03/2010 10:35

...because the thread title is 'a full -time mum' Strix

NoseyNooNoo · 08/03/2010 10:35

Strix, you are missing the point. My husband is of course 'a dad' and takes on his share of parenting responsibilities but he is not a 'full-time dad' because he gets to work hard in the City during the week whilst I shoulder the bulk of the parenting role - that is my job.

My DH is always a dad, but he is not parenting on a full-time basis. He accepts that. Neither of us think I get anymore gold stars for taking on more of the parenting role.

mamas12 · 08/03/2010 10:36

Not read the whole thread yet but what I said to people and on any forms was

I am currently on a career break while bring up children - one of the hardest jobs I've ever had!

Will read rest of thread now.

MillyR · 08/03/2010 10:36

I don't know. I think these topics tend to create problems which don't exist. Most of the time I like my job and I like being with my children. This weekend DD was in a show and I did all the dancers' hair backstage. DH tool DS snowboarding. I didn't consider any of it a chore - I enjoyed myself. I like to think that a lot of what we do, being with our children, going to work, and in fact putting effort into our adult relationships are all essential tasks. I don't like to think of any of it begrudgingly or as a chore. Things like cleaning are chores, and most people don't outsource them.

I think that these threads sometimes have misdirected anger on them. I wonder if women who want the rest of us to acknowledge how hard they work, as SAHM or WOHM, are actually angry because their own partner is not pulling his weight, or is belittling their effort, or is begrudgingly doing things. There really is no reason for the rest of the world to judge how families carry out their essential tasks, but people seem to come on to MN and want approval or gratitude, but really why should anyone care about how I bring up my children?

runnybottom · 08/03/2010 10:52

I'm not in the slightest bit defensive, as you'd know if you bothered to read posts properly. I have nothing to defend. I am neither a full time mother or a working mother.
I don't think of parenting as a job (though it is hard work) either.

I think labelling in this way is ridiculous, but imagining judgements everywhere is worse. But read the op, that is the point of this thread .
"She calls herself a fulltime mother, how dare she imply I'm a part time mother"
its much the same as
"She calls herself an exclusive bf'er, how dare she imply I'm a bad parent as I use/part use FF"
Its all imagined slights and inferred nonsense.

Heres a thought; NO-ONE CARES!!

Strix · 08/03/2010 11:06

I think "I'm not in the slightest bit defensive..." is a very good contender for quote of the week.

runnybottom · 08/03/2010 11:41

You don't get out much do you?

OrmRenewed · 08/03/2010 12:41

strix "So when I get home from work one job ends and the other begins!"

Quite. I don't actually stop 'working' until mid-evening. I have 3 DC mind you so just putting to bed can take hours. And it's not just child-related chores of course - the house needs cleaning and dishwashers need emptying, none of which can be done during the day.

OrmRenewed · 08/03/2010 12:44

But if someone says 'full-time mum' in a tone that simply implies what it says I am hardly going to take offence at at that. But when someone says 'full-time mother' in a tone that implies that a SAHM is actually doing a proper job and being a good committed mother, I might. And beleive me there are those on Mn that do the latter.

However, I am sure that in most cases the former is meant. It is still a misleading and inaccurate label. As are so many others including SAHM for example...

PSCMUM · 08/03/2010 12:45

i am a full time working full time mum. And DH is a full time working full time dad.

stay at home mums are also full time mums. They just don't have a job too so can focus more on the perfect fish finger.

sorry, that is mean. sometimes i wish i was a SAHM and that is my sole motivation for bitchy comments like the above!

runnybottom · 08/03/2010 12:49

"But when someone says 'full-time mother' in a tone that implies that a SAHM is actually doing a proper job and being a good committed mother, I might. And beleive me there are those on Mn that do the latter."

Thats some impressive "tone" they have, to fit so much into 3 little words. Even more impressive that you can hear their tone in words on a screen! You don't think theres a tiny chance you're inferring a little too much there based on your own feelings?

PSCMUM · 08/03/2010 12:53

also, seriously we need to apply all these same arguments to dads.