to think I will have whatever type of wedding, wherever I like!!

[lilylu22]

DP and I have begun discussing the details of our impending wedding.

We have decided we would like a private ceremony (just us and my sister, his brother). We would also like to hold the wedding in Australia where I am from. We would rent out a huge house for all DP's family to stay in for the week - and to hold our reception / party.

We fully understand many people may not want to travel all the way out, but we feel this is really what we'd like to do - and if we did otherwise we would regret it..

MIL is incensed. She truly believes DP 'wants' a church wedding (she is very religious) 'with everyone watching', despite his insistence he is in no way religious or wants that! Also, she has a fear of flying and says it is selfish of us to hold it out there. However, my parents and all my friends live there - and would be unlikely to want to travel to London for our wedding (whereas Australia at the beach seems an appealing destination to DP's guests!)...

Are we being unreasonable? I am truly unsure...

Why should she hide a thread that she started . OP asked if she was BU and the vast majority have told her she is!

My goodness, after browsing these forums for a while now this thread is the one to tip me into joining!

LilyLu in my opinion FWIW you are absolutely NOT being unreasonable in any way.

So you and DP don't want a public wedding, why is that such a terrible thing? You two are the most important people on this day (what with it being about the rest of your lives and all...) and I think any family members are being totally unreasonable to try and demand you have it any other way than that which makes you two comfortable and happy.

You presumably need two witnesses and one from each family makes it perfectly fair. I can see why parents might be a disappointed but surely this is a time to put this aside and just be content, dare I say happy, that their children have found the person they want to be with and are making that commitment to each other?

I do think you should have a pre-wedding party for your UK friends/relatives and a post-wedding one for Aussie relatives plus anyone from the UK who wants to go, also making it fair but without you having to do something you don't really want to (surely having a similar party in the UK would be fine for you if you are doing it in Australia?), if people want to strop because you aren't doing it their way then tough- it is not their decision to make!

I also think you are being unreasonably slated for inviting people to celebrate with you in Australia. You don't seem to be blackmailing or putting any pressure on them to be there so nothing particularly Bridezillary, just an invitation.

The fact that you are going to live over there is a different matter and one I am sure makes your MIL very sad, but again she should (or maybe does already!) accept that her son has to make these decision about what is best for his future and sometimes these decisions are tough, I'm sure your DP will also miss his family when you move but thats not to say its not the right decision for him and you.

I really hope that your combined families accept what you want although it isn't perfect for them and you get the wedding you want without being pushed into something that makes you uncomfortable, because why should anyone be uncomfortable on 'the most important day of their lives'? Good luck!

I've been thinking about this, and although I understand why you want a private wedding, I think it would be best for everyone considered that you took into account your mil's wishes and had a ceremony that she can attend, and at a later date do what you want to do in Australia.

I don't see any other solution that won't cause a lot of upset.

I am really looking forward to a few of the 'this is absoloutely fine' posters popping back when their child wants to get married and they are not invited and treated like A.N.Other...

I can wait

Pagwatch, I'm with you.

A friend of mine got married in secret with 2 friends as witnesses. Her mother was completely devastated at being excluded. I'm not sure their relationship will ever recover. She has point blank refused to even look at the photos. They had a "celebration" a few months later to which family were invited but it didnt really do much to fix things.

Sometimes you have to realise it's not all about you. Yes, it's your wedding, but I certainly felt that I owed it to my parents to meaningfully include them in the planning and the day itself (and I wanted to).

Parents make a lot of sacrifices for their kids over the years. I personally think it's a massive slap in the face to exclude them from such an important event in your life.

but we would love to have them celebrate our marriage with us at our party (including a meal etc)....plus your comments re your parents not being able to attend due to their circumstances lead me to say YABU.

I would not travel to oz for a party, even if a meal was included.

I think that not inviting your mil because you feel your parents can't put aside their own issues for your wedding is wrong.

I think the solution is to not invite ANY parents. Have your private ceremony with just the witnesses and let that be IT.

Nobody can complain about that, this wont bite you in the bum through resentment and blame later on from neither your inlaws not your husband - because if he is not 110% behind you in exluding his mum from his wedding, he WILL be resentful. Trust me on that.

If you want a private wedding, but a party, it isnt really a private wedding you are after. Just the power to snip your fingers and have everybody dance at your whim.

It gives you a sense of power, doesnt it? You can feel the adrenaline surge through your body over this, cant you?
I bet it does.

I also dont see why you should punish your inlaws from your own parents bad behaviour.
Just dont invite your parents! They will get you in oz for the rest of your life, why do THEY need to come to your wedding?

But a pre wedding party in UK?

I mean tbh that´s sh!t isn´t it?

Who´d be interested in that?

If the Australians aren´t so bothered about the ceremony, then have that in UK & party in Australia.

Or invite ILs to ceremony in Australia.

My DD1 has already told me that she might not invite me to her wedding (she's still only in her teens) because I can't bear [as in, I start shaking and crying] to be in the same room as her father. And I have to accept that that is her decision.

So I am still a bit about the fact that so much weight is being given to the feelings of those around the couple rather than the couple themselves. Clearly, I'm odd.

YABVVU. Private ceremony - kind of misses the point of a public declaration of commitment but fine.

Wedding in Aus also fine.

Expecting people to travel for 24 hours and spend 000s to celebrate your wedding but not actually attend and with no celebration in the uk - not fine.

clarajo, it is not her mum and dad she is proposing to leave out, it is her mother in law, due to her own parents not getting on.

In your scenario, your dd1 WOULD invite you and your ex, but because you dont get on, she would leave out her future husbands parents. Does that make sense?

That´s sad ClaraJo-but she would invite her fiances parents?

I still think getting married in Aus is fine because THAT is fundamentally important to the OP even if the party is (for her) the family celebration part. BUT I REALLY think that she needs to do something to celebrate here in the UK too. Something that (dare I say it), makes the MIL feel a bit special too! In the, Thank you for being so supportive of us, kind of way. I appreciate that the wedding day IS about the bride and groom, but some acknowledgement of the mil here (in what is not the actual wedding day), would be a gracious and thoughtful act.

I agree Mrsdoasyouwouldbedoneby-but really,what could you do that would make up for not being invited to your son´s wedding and being invited to the after party that you maybe can´t get to?

Agree with Mrsdoasyouwouldbedoneby. How about a celebration in the UK either before or after, so your UK-based family who can't travel for any reason can go?

My DH is a Kiwi and we now live in NZ. We got married in NZ, mostly DH friends and family, and then 4 months later came back to the UK and had a wedding celebration there as well for all my friends and family. It worked very well, we repeated our vows again so was almost like another wedding, and was talked about as a "wedding" by people who attended.

Your UK family who have no chance of getting to a wedding in Oz do need something to celebrate in the UK IMO. Yes it could take a bit of organising but it ought to be worth it for family.

If the OP wants a "private" wedding, the only way to do it is either to not invite anybody at all, and use random strangers as witnesses, or to keep the whole thing very low-key, with just the siblings in attendance for the whole thing. Otherwise, feelings are going to be hurt left right and centre, at a difficult time in the couple's life when real damage can be wrought on close relationships.

I would not bother travelling to Australia for a wedding reception if I was not invited to the ceremony. It all seems very precious and controlling to me.

BTW, did you know that it is possible to sail to Australia? It takes weeks and is often as a passenger on a cargo ship, but it is possible. Would the MIL do that?

I agree with what many have said - get married where you want, then have two parties. One poster suggested calling them 'goodbye to the UK' and 'hello to Australia' parties which sounds like an excellent idea to me.

And that way you wouldn't have the embarassment of people not knowing if they were expected to buy you a wedding gift when you didn't invite them to your wedding.

'Why should she hide a thread that she started . OP asked if she was BU and the vast majority have told her she is! '

Respect her WISHES! She feels uncomfortable, there are more than 4 of us here you know

I'd never do anything like this to my in-laws, because I love them and want them to be happy. Your MIL must be distraught at the thought of her son emigrating already.

Then for you to exclude them from the wedding - a moment of huge family and social signficance and not just of private importance to you and your fiance......

If I was you I'd have a small wedding in the UK for family and close friends, before your private ceremony in Australia. You are marrying into your fiance's family - surely you need to acknowledge their feelings too when making choices like this?

Lilylu22, I didn't want to have a public wedding either. I wanted to 'run away' and drag a couple of strangers in off the street; go home and tell everyone and then have a wacking great party. DH was, apparently, in agreement with me, but by stealth got every he wanted invited and we ended up with the most dull boring registry office thing you can imagine! Never had the party, either

I think, FWIW, that you shoul emigrate first and put your wedding plans on hold until afterwards.

Get married privately (I do think it's a bit much inviting some family but not parents, that does give a message to them which I'm sure you don't really mean).

Organise a big party for another time, not the day of your wedding. In fact, some time later, so you give people in the UK 1)time to come to terms with the fact that they missed it and 2)to get themselves organised to get over there. I also think the party should include some sort of ceremony, no matter how informal, reflecting your new lives as husband and wife.

I've always been a bit about people who get married elsewhere and expect family and friends to shell out £££ to travel to their wedding venue(plus hotel costs, meals, and gift), but I think it takes the (wedding) cake to expect them to travel AND not actually invite them to the ceremony itself. Even if the bride and groom are from two different countries, they can be considerate and have a celebration of some sort in each country without going overboard in expense. Personally, I would feel dreadful if members of my family would like to attend my wedding but couldn't because of the cost of travel. All it takes is a little consideration. In this financial climate, it's extremely rude and irresponsible to expect people to travel so far for a wedding (because there's always some family members that will do it because they don't want to "let you down by not being there" and end up taking a loan or spending money that they can't afford). And trying to justify it by saying it will be a lovely holiday? What an incredibly obnoxious thing to say! Yeah, it might be a lovely place - but we like to choose our own holidays, thank you, not have them dictated to us by date and location of someone's wedding. How frustrating to think the one holiday you might get all year (with such a big trip, it might be more than one year's worth!) will be spent with certain commitments rather than just enjoying on your own.

As far as the parents are concerned, it's incredibly insulting, IMO that in-laws are not invited simply because the problems with the bride's parents. If the bride's parents can't be adult enough to behave, then don't invite them. But so wrong to punish the groom's parents because of it by not inviting them.

I also agree with the posters that are saying that the bride's family are being given every consideration but not the groom's family. Which does make me wonder if the bride's family is paying for the wedding. Also I suppose they want to keep the bride's family happy because they'll be living near them, as opposed to the groom's family who they won't live near anymore so don't give a stuff what they think. I get so tired of bridezillas who are so precious about their weddings and having it their way. This ain't Burger King, you can't always have it your way, at least not without alienating people. I am anticipating some vastly entertaining threads from you in future once you have children as you complain that your mother or MIL (if the poor woman ever gets to see the kids) actually fed them something with (gasp) sugar, or did something while watching them that you wouldn't do. People that are this up their own arses about their weddings are usually the same about their children.

Thank god my DIL is a lovely girl who would never do this to us.

(sitting back and watching with interest now that I have vented....)

Sorry - need to add that I think the OP's stance on this is very typically 'modern'. We do live in an age where our connections and our obligations to our extended family aren't really valued very highly. It's all about individualism. I find it very sad. My dad has just passed away and it's really made me realise how much we all need each other and how much we owe each other. My sister and brother have been amazing. My MIL has been such a help to me. DH has been quietly supportive in the background to allow me to be with my mum as much as possible. Unfortunately it seems to be only at times when we are vulnerable and suffering that we remember what 'family' really means.

Triggles - I hear you!

Not often I read an OP and thing 'God you sound awful' This is one of them.

Your poor MIL.

Although some posters assume I have already made up my mind to be the worst DIL ever witnessed, this was actually not the case. I have taken the comments everyone made on board and OH and I have actually been discussing what to do in more detail this morning..

We have thought of a new option which we feel is quite good.

We are going to have a private ceremony, which will be civil, with no one else attending, in Australia.

We are going to hold the party as planned, which MIL says she will be able to attend (she has thought about it and thinks she will be OK with flying)...

However, at the party, we are going to arrange an Anglican (Church of England) priest to come and perform a blessing. This aspect is quite important for MIL as although neither DP or I are in any way religious, she feels we may change our minds later in life. I am happy to do this for her, as although a blessing means nothing to me, it does mean a lot to her.

So there will be, for all intensive purposes, a ceremony for our family and friends to be involved with... This will all be very informal but the 'ceremony' will take place first, so the whole thing will roughly follow the procedure of a traditional wedding...

While everyone has been saying it's too expensive for everyone to travel etc, in our particular circumstance that really isn't a big issue...

The other major reason we'd like to hold it in Australia is we feel it would be lovely for our two families to meet at the one event, and so far, everyone seems to be OK with that.

I'd like to hear everyone's thoughts on THAT