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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think I will have whatever type of wedding, wherever I like!!

317 replies

lilylu22 · 24/02/2010 17:03

DP and I have begun discussing the details of our impending wedding.

We have decided we would like a private ceremony (just us and my sister, his brother). We would also like to hold the wedding in Australia where I am from. We would rent out a huge house for all DP's family to stay in for the week - and to hold our reception / party.

We fully understand many people may not want to travel all the way out, but we feel this is really what we'd like to do - and if we did otherwise we would regret it..

MIL is incensed. She truly believes DP 'wants' a church wedding (she is very religious) 'with everyone watching', despite his insistence he is in no way religious or wants that! Also, she has a fear of flying and says it is selfish of us to hold it out there. However, my parents and all my friends live there - and would be unlikely to want to travel to London for our wedding (whereas Australia at the beach seems an appealing destination to DP's guests!)...

Are we being unreasonable? I am truly unsure...

OP posts:
SoupDragon · 25/02/2010 10:53

"Not often I read an OP and thing 'God you sound awful' This is one of them."

Not sure how the OP is awful. Either a large number of her family don't attend or a number of her future ILs don't attend. She's stuffed either way so may as well have the wedding she/her DP want.

GibbonInARibbon · 25/02/2010 10:56

Will the blessing be at the party?

I thought your DP doesn't 'do' crowds.

I cannot understand how you need a private wedding but can have a crowd to view the blessing (which you say will roughly follow the procedure of a traditional wedding...)

I may be confused here

Will say good for you for talking it over and taking everyones feelings into account.

GibbonInARibbon · 25/02/2010 10:58

I thought she sounded awful, still do tbh, of course she can have the wedding she wants. To invite people to the other side of the world and not have them attend the wedding is harsh imo.

What made it awful to me was inviting siblings but excluding parents. Nothing anyone says would make me think that is ok.

Original poster
lilylu22 · 25/02/2010 11:00

Because for us, the ceremony will be a significant event. We want to be able to enjoy it, and experience it together. Without having to feel uncomfortable with everyone watching.

We will have had that, and then afterwards we are happy to let other people who want to enjoy a second ceremony / blessing. Neither of us is to keen on the second ceremony thing, but because we will have had the opportunity to say our vows that we intend to write ourselves together first, we are happy to repeat generic ones for our family and friends to hear.

But for us, if we didn't get to have a private ceremony where we could say our vows, there wouldn't be much of a wedding to be had!

OP posts:
Original poster
lilylu22 · 25/02/2010 11:03

The blessing would be at the party. THB we'd rather just get married the two of us and not have ANYTHING else, so anything else we do is for the sake of everyone except ourselves.

OP posts:
DarrellRivers · 25/02/2010 11:04

Very true Tittytittybangbang

meaniepants · 25/02/2010 11:04

What on earth are you saying in your vows that you can't say them in front of others??

Sounds like one of you is going down the cheesey route and the other one's embarrassed.

Stigaloid · 25/02/2010 11:06

yabu.

Attenborough · 25/02/2010 11:07

I would love to hear these vows. They sound great.

happymatleave · 25/02/2010 11:08

I'm dying to know what your private vows are. I thought at first that you just weren't comfortable standing up and talking infront of a larger group, which I can understand, but you are happy to say generic vows infront of everyone. I'm now really intrigued about your vows!

Original poster
lilylu22 · 25/02/2010 11:08

I honestly am mystified that no one else can understand sharing vows only with your partner. It isn't only about what is said, but sharing that time with them without having to worry about anything else.

OP posts:
Stigaloid · 25/02/2010 11:09

The blessing would be at the party. THB we'd rather just get married the two of us and not have ANYTHING else, so anything else we do is for the sake of everyone except ourselves.
do it now then. if you just want it private with no guests it shouldn't matter where you are - it will still be an empty room in UK as it will in Aus.

weegiemum · 25/02/2010 11:15

IME, I said my wedding vows in front of 200 family and friends and it felt like there was noone else there. It was, in that moment, just me and dh.

You'll have to have someone there though - surely you will need witnesses?

RebeccaRabbit · 25/02/2010 11:15

If you're absolutely adament about not having parents at your wedding then this sounds like a nice compromise. Just one more suggestion ~ try not to let your MIL know that the blessing means nothing to you.

Enjoy your day

SerenityNowakaBleh · 25/02/2010 11:19

Sounds like an alright compromise to me.

Original poster
lilylu22 · 25/02/2010 11:20

Yes, Rebecca will definitely be v. sensitive to her beliefs.... Hopefully will find a lovely female, lesbian member of the clergy

OP posts:
TheSmallClanger · 25/02/2010 11:22

Vows are meant to be public. That's what it says in all the official bits, "committed yourselves to each other IN THE PRESENCE OF...(insert God/these people here etc)"

upahill · 25/02/2010 11:27

Lilylu.... I've dipped in and out of reading this post and find it frnakly bizarre.

This is going to sound harsh and I don't want it to IYSWIM. I just can't think of any other way of wording it. What is so special about you and your partner that makes you what to have secret vows? As far as I can see all weddings are special. So what is different about you you can't share after all as people have said weddings are a public sign of commitment.
I don't understand what there is to worry about?

It sounds very very self centred tbh.

Original poster
lilylu22 · 25/02/2010 11:29

I suppose I mean it to. Our wedding, to us, is about us. That's not to say we aren't grateful for our families, and on everyone other day of the year we don't consider them 100% in all we do etc.

On this one day, we would like to be able to celebrate the choice we have made to spend our lives together, only together.

OP posts:
TheSmallClanger · 25/02/2010 11:31

Your comment about the lesbian lady vicar is most odd.

AuntieMaggie · 25/02/2010 11:32

Completely agree with Smizzle and think that the OP has come up with a compromise. They are having a religious blessing to keep MIL happy.

I didn't miss that there was a sibling for each attending the ceremony but they need witnesses.

I completely disagree with the attitude that a wedding isn't just for the couple getting married - of course it is it's about the two of them making a life long commitment to each other and they should be able to do that anyway they feel relevant for their relationship. And who was it that dcided that this should be public?

I hope when my children get married I will be happy enough for them to know that I don't have a right to dictate what wedding they should have and whether I should be there. Just becasue you give birth to a person doesn't give you the right to tell them what to do or b there if they don't want you.

Triggles · 25/02/2010 11:33

I had to laugh at this:
"While everyone has been saying it's too expensive for everyone to travel etc, in our particular circumstance that really isn't a big issue... "
Is that a coy way of saying every single person that you have invited is wealthy or can easily afford a trip to Australia? How incredibly cheeky. Just because one can afford the trip, doesn't mean one wants to spend their allotted holiday time or money on it. Still think it's rather selfish to assume.

I, too, am puzzled by what in God's name you couldn't say in public that you need to say in private. I agree that it would be tactless in the extreme to give MIL (or anyone else invited for that matter) the impression that the blessing is of no meaning to you. I would be a bit offended if someone said "well, we're having a blessing at the party, but it's just to appease the masses/MIL" or along those lines.

I have watched a number of programmes recently on WWII and all the rationing and sacrifices people had to make then, even regarding weddings. Weddings were so much more about family and celebrating their marriage together, rather than the trimmings and all the preciousness.

Original poster
lilylu22 · 25/02/2010 11:35

I object to having a religious ceremony for a number of reasons. One of my main objections is SIL has a female partner and I find it so strange that MIL can continue to involve herself in an institution that condemns her daughters loving and healthy relationship.. But that is another thread entirely and I'm sure even fewer people would agree with my views.

OP posts:
Triggles · 25/02/2010 11:36

OMG

"Hopefully will find a lovely female, lesbian member of the clergy "

PMSL. This has GOT to be a wind up, this whole thread. NOBODY can be this self-centred, precious, and just odd. That just teetered it over the edge, IMO.

swanandduck · 25/02/2010 11:36

YABU, holding the wedding in Australia when your MIL is afraid of flying. Could you not have some kind of a ceremony in the UK that she could attend and then a wedding party in Australia? Why should she be excluded from the most important day of her own son's life?