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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think I will have whatever type of wedding, wherever I like!!

317 replies

lilylu22 · 24/02/2010 17:03

DP and I have begun discussing the details of our impending wedding.

We have decided we would like a private ceremony (just us and my sister, his brother). We would also like to hold the wedding in Australia where I am from. We would rent out a huge house for all DP's family to stay in for the week - and to hold our reception / party.

We fully understand many people may not want to travel all the way out, but we feel this is really what we'd like to do - and if we did otherwise we would regret it..

MIL is incensed. She truly believes DP 'wants' a church wedding (she is very religious) 'with everyone watching', despite his insistence he is in no way religious or wants that! Also, she has a fear of flying and says it is selfish of us to hold it out there. However, my parents and all my friends live there - and would be unlikely to want to travel to London for our wedding (whereas Australia at the beach seems an appealing destination to DP's guests!)...

Are we being unreasonable? I am truly unsure...

OP posts:
KimiGaveUpStarbucks4Lent · 24/02/2010 21:26

I would be heartbroken if one of my sons moved to the other side of the world, was going to marry there, and if I went half way round the world I was still going to be denied the chance to watch him marry.
Your parents are going go see much more of your live grandchildren and so on.

I think it will all end in tears TBH

Original poster
lilylu22 · 24/02/2010 21:29

I guess we're made for each other then because I am equally inconsiderate of my own parent's feelings

I don't think our feelings on one specific issue define us as people

OP posts:
Georgimama · 24/02/2010 21:35

I think how a man treats his mother is pretty indicative of his character. Perhaps I am old fashioned.

StewieGriffinsMom · 24/02/2010 21:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

wastwinsetandpearls · 24/02/2010 21:43

I agree Georgimama, my dp was a thoughtful devoted son. He is now a thoughtful devoted partner and father.

Original poster
lilylu22 · 24/02/2010 21:46

No. We are getting married in Australia because we want to marry there and it's where we will be living.. We aren't asking them to the ceremony either. All the parents are getting an identical invitation.

OP posts:
StewieGriffinsMom · 24/02/2010 21:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Georgimama · 24/02/2010 21:49

But the only reason you aren't asking parents to the ceremony is because your parents are uncomfortable with each other's new partners.

mollymawk · 24/02/2010 21:51

I really want you to change your mind.

Try to think about it from your MIL's perspective:

She is expected to fly to the ther side of the world, even though she hates/fears flying (and I know she has been to South Africa, but I think Aus is about 3 times as far), when it is not her idea of a good holiday (even though it might be for many), because your parents wouldn't want a holiday to London (even though for many that might be a good holiday!)

then

She is not invited to her son's wedding ceremony because your parents don't get on

then

She goes home on another 24 hour flight to rarely see her son again

I have two sons and I hope this never happens to me

StewieGriffinsMom · 24/02/2010 21:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

2010aQuintessentialOdyssey · 24/02/2010 21:54

I think you must be the biggest bridezilla I have ever had the pleasure of encountering on mumsnet.

You have really enlightened me as to how selfish people can be. Until today, I did not think such egosentric attitude was even possible.

Imagine, flying for 24 hours, for a party, and NOT be good enough to actually see the wedding. "because we consider it a private contract between ourselves".

pmsl.

staranise · 24/02/2010 22:00

I think you're all being a bit harsh. Speaking from my own experience, we had a v private wedding, no parents invited for similar reasons (my parents divorced, not possible for them to be in a small room together with their new parents without considerable stress and not possible to invite one set of parents and not the others).

I love my MIL, I consider us to be close and in the event, she was just delighted that DH and I had got married, she was not bothered at all about the ceremony (even though she is a strong Christian and her DDs had big church weddings). To her (and to us), the marriage was/is so much more important than witnessing the event.

Perhaps she is really just (quite legitimately) upset by her child moving to the other side of the world and the wedding has become the flashpoint for this.

staranise · 24/02/2010 22:01

new partners

hatwoman · 24/02/2010 22:02

I totally agree with weegiemum: "A wedding, imo is not a private contract, it's a public declaration." dh and I made our private contract the day we got engaged because that was the day we agreed,promised, to spend the rest of our lives together. and to us, I guess, it was a much bigger deal than our wedding. the wedding was the public declaration and celebration of what we had already committed ourselves to.

cakewench · 24/02/2010 22:03

If it's just a party people are being invited to, then I would strongly suggest having a party in the UK, and having another one in Oz. That's a long way and a lot of money to spend on a holiday. I know it's clearly your definition of an excellent holiday, and perhaps it might be some others' as well, but it's a bit unreasonable to dictate how people should spend their (hefty amount of) money and holiday time.

If you're having a private wedding, then do it. Don't have the siblings there. Having them there is only confusing the issue to other family members. If you do have them there, you should fully expect to have people asking why they aren't allowed to be there, either. If you must be so, sorry, precious to insist that your vows are only between yourself and your partner, then just do that. Having the siblings there complicates things. Why do you want them there, to the exclusion of everyone else? They don't need to be. If you're going to make this decision to be private, own it. Be completely private.

That having been said... my MIL is hardly my favourite person, but I made concessions (mind, that she didn't fully appreciate because she assumes the world is revolving around here ) so that the wedding of her first child would be something that she could experience, and in her own language as well. (We are also an expat couple- one German, one American.) Now that I'm oh, 7 years older, and have a son, I'm very pleased that I showed that consideration. I would honestly be a bit sad if my son didn't want me at his wedding. I think it's tough enough being the mum of the groom, as the bride tends to call the shots, and if anyone is consulted, it's her own mum. You seem to be making her role even more difficult. honestly.

btw, having lived in the UK for a few years now, the idea of being on a warm beach is very appealing to me. My comments about holidays and money are just trying to be Devil's advocate. I could afford such a holiday, and would be inclined to do it, but not everyone would be. okay I'll shut up now.

CarGirl · 24/02/2010 22:04

lilylu can you not accept that in GB/Uk whatever culture that the ceremony is seen as the important thing and the party much lesser???? It's actually very insulting to tell someone that they are not considered important enough to come to the ceremony. Another poster indicated that in Aus it's not viewed that way but believe me your MIL will be deeply hurt whereas your parents may not be bothered because they culturally see the party as the important thing to be invited to and the ceremony a lesser thing.

Northernlurker · 24/02/2010 22:12

I don't understand why the bad behaviour of the bride's parents is a reason not to invite the groom's parents. Anybody can come as long as they behave. That's simple enough. If the bride's parents feel they can't behave they can choose not to attend. I just don't believe that though, frankly OP who do you think you're kidding here? Nowhere except in bad soaps do split up and newly paired up exes get out machine guns and fisticuffs.

This is all a bollocks excuse,isn't it,for you having your own way and asserting your ownership of your dp?It will end in tears.

Original poster
lilylu22 · 24/02/2010 22:15

Yes. I am shocked at the broad, sweeping assumptions of some posters. As I have said again and again we have not made any definite decision but these are definitely our feelings on what we would like.

We will have to try to come up with a solution to appease DP's Mum that will allow us to feel comfortable and enjoy our wedding too..

OP posts:
SerenityNowakaBleh · 24/02/2010 22:15

If the main problem is with your parents repartnering, couldn't you just have direct parents (so, MIL, FIL, DM and DF) at the ceremony - no step parents.

staranise · 24/02/2010 22:21

It's not always a case of fisticuffs, just an incredibly tense and unpleasant atmosphere - I sat through difficult ceremonies at my siblings' weddings and knew that a similar set-up would remove the pleasure from my own wedding (as it already had done at similar events eg, funerals and graduations). It's not as simple as asking people to 'behave'.

However, perhaps unlike the OP, my parents and my PILs were not bothered about the actual event and were just happy that we were married. But then, we didn't expect them to attend a party either.

fluffles · 24/02/2010 22:28

agree that the situation with divorced parents is hard. we havne't told DF's mum yet that DF's dad really wants to be there. they haven't spoken since DF was about 8 (30 years) but there's still a lot of bad feeling and she will stress and panic and flap and generally worry herself to death about it.

not sure when we will tell her but not yet

displayuntilbestbefore · 24/02/2010 22:30

lilylu - you thought this was the way to go with your wedding. This thread has shown you that actually you could maybe approach it with a bit more consideration and thought to other people. No sweeping assumptions - you have given us all plenty of ammunition information about how you think your wedding day should be and you posted in AIBU so you must have known that people would consider your attitudes towards your wedding day unreasonable.

StephysFamous · 24/02/2010 22:50

It's not your MIL being unreasonable, it's your own parents.
I may be completely missing the point here but if you're MIL was to be invited to the ceremony would she fly?
I don't understand how you expect your re-partnered parents to sit in a room together throughout the party with drinks flowing if they could clearly not behave at the ceremony (where they actually have to be quiet by the way).
Where is the sense in leaving you MIL out because of your parents selfish behaviour on what is, after all, "your day".

BattyKoda · 24/02/2010 23:00

lilylu - hide the thread and do what you think is best, people are just being ridiculous now

sandcastles · 24/02/2010 23:43

staranise, I believe the difference between you & op is the fact that you are not/were not emigrating!

The ops MIL to be is 'losing' her son, so to speak. I live in Oz & have done for 4 yrs, so far no one has been able to afford to make the trip to visit, with funds having to be redirected due to the recession.

So my family are missing out on 2 granddaughters/nieces/cousins etc. This MIL will not only miss her son's wedding, but also many more important events in her son's life.

I think it is only reasonable to give her opportunity to enjoy one more/last event before he embarks on his new life.

I wonder about people who don't want to share such an event with their closest family, and wonder too, how much of this is to 'make' mil exclude herself from your plans.

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