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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think I will have whatever type of wedding, wherever I like!!

317 replies

lilylu22 · 24/02/2010 17:03

DP and I have begun discussing the details of our impending wedding.

We have decided we would like a private ceremony (just us and my sister, his brother). We would also like to hold the wedding in Australia where I am from. We would rent out a huge house for all DP's family to stay in for the week - and to hold our reception / party.

We fully understand many people may not want to travel all the way out, but we feel this is really what we'd like to do - and if we did otherwise we would regret it..

MIL is incensed. She truly believes DP 'wants' a church wedding (she is very religious) 'with everyone watching', despite his insistence he is in no way religious or wants that! Also, she has a fear of flying and says it is selfish of us to hold it out there. However, my parents and all my friends live there - and would be unlikely to want to travel to London for our wedding (whereas Australia at the beach seems an appealing destination to DP's guests!)...

Are we being unreasonable? I am truly unsure...

OP posts:
Original poster
lilylu22 · 25/02/2010 11:39

Why should other people's feelings be more important than her son's "on the most important day of his life"?

We are willing to make sacrifices, we will do our best to accommodate everyone's feelings.

OP posts:
Triggles · 25/02/2010 11:42

Let me see if I have this correct. You are having your future BIL as one of the witnesses, but not SIL. And you state negative views about the SIL, who has a female partner. Hmmmm... so is this a MIL and homophobic AIBU thread by stealth? I notice we're getting fed little bits and pieces little by little to further "complicate" the scenario.

I hate trolls. Such a complete and utter waste of good venting.

swanandduck · 25/02/2010 11:44

Why should other people's feelings be more important than her son's "on the most important day of his life"?

Because she's his mother, you selfish .

Original poster
lilylu22 · 25/02/2010 11:45

Though the situation is more complicated than most, I can assure you I have the misfortune of actually navigating this situation...

I didn't state any negative views about SIL. She has a female partner who I am very pleased she has found. I am unhappy MIL wants us to have a religious element to our wedding because I feel her particular religion marginalises SIL's relationship.

OP posts:
AuntieMaggie · 25/02/2010 11:45

Triggles - they are having one sibling each as witnesses I doubt it has anything to do with SIL sexuality.

I think most people are also missing that it is the OP's DP that is insistent that he doesn't want his mother at the ceremony.

Nobody's feelings are more important that the couple's getting married on their wedding day.

Original poster
lilylu22 · 25/02/2010 11:46

I am not suggesting MIL's feelings are not important. But so are our feelings. We would like our wedding to be something we will enjoy, not solely for the benefit of other people.

OP posts:
AuntieMaggie · 25/02/2010 11:46

So a mother's wishes over rule what her child wants to do on one of the most important days of his life? Complete tosh.

Original poster
lilylu22 · 25/02/2010 11:47

MIL has suggested we have a church wedding with 200 people, in Cornwall. If we were to do that, she would be thrilled, I would be very disappointed. I'd be interested to know how many people think we should do that, because that's what DP's mother would like.

OP posts:
swanandduck · 25/02/2010 11:48

Nobody's feelings are more important that the couple's getting married on their wedding day.

That doesn't mean they have to trample all over everyone else's. I made several compromises when I was getting married to keep parents and in laws happy. I wanted to look back on my wedding as a joyful day, not one where my mother was upset of my MIL was feeling hurt or put down.

2010aQuintessentialOdyssey · 25/02/2010 11:52

You are going from one ridiculous extreme to the other.

Nobody is asking you to do the wedding your MIL suggestst, but to invite her to the blardy wedding you ARE planning, you numpty!

AuntieMaggie · 25/02/2010 11:53

lilylu has already said they have found a compromise so I fail to see why she is getting insulted.

You don't want the big wedding in cornwall, your DP doesn't want it so I think it's unreasonable for anyone to expect you to do what neither of you want.

If her DP wanted it then that would be a different issue but as it is her DP, her MIL's own son, that doesn't want his mother at the ceremony and wants to get married this way then I don't see that it's the OPs fault. As they are having a witness each he could've easily had his mother as one but he chose not to. This in itself implies to me that he and his mother aren't that close (sorry if I'm wrong)

Where does the compromising for other people stop on someone's wedding? The only thing this couple wants is to exchange vows in private - something I and many other women I know would like to do.

GhoulsAreLoud · 25/02/2010 11:55

Just do what you like and please yourselves but don't expect everyone else to be happy about it. It's impossible to please everyone when it comes to weddings.

Stop trying to justify yourself though - if you want to do what you like then do it.

Original poster
lilylu22 · 25/02/2010 11:55

We did suggest she come to the wedding we were planning. She told us that would not be a nice wedding, that we should have one in Cornwall. All the other posters suggest the wedding we are planning isn't inclusive enough!

Regardless, I feel that having our ceremony initially alone will appease our own feelings, and a blessing / ceremony and informal parties does then fully cater for the feelings of MIL...

Interestingly, all four of my 'parents' encourage us to have whatever wedding will make us happiest...

OP posts:
pagwatch · 25/02/2010 11:56

"I'd be interested to know how many people think we should do that, because that's what DP's mother would like."

well i suspect the answer is nil.

I can't find anywhere that anyone has said that her views are more important than yours.
But with the entitlement to do as you plaese comes a responsibility to be considerate or else people will think you are selfish.

swanandduck · 25/02/2010 11:57

It amazes me how people get so upset about their children not being invited to weddings, but when someone doesn't invite his mother a lot of people thing 'well, fair enough, it's your wedding and it's what you want that's important'. Don't understand this at all.

Original poster
lilylu22 · 25/02/2010 11:58

We are trying to be considerate by including lots of other people in our wedding when we would prefer it be private with only us. We love our families but we see things differently than a lot of other people are would prefer our wedding to just be us.

But we never contemplated excluding people entirely.

OP posts:
GhoulsAreLoud · 25/02/2010 11:58

Just do it then.

Loads and loads of people are going to think you're bonkers for refusing to let your family watch you get married but then expect them to join in with a big celebration of your marriage.

BUt why should you care what they think?

ClaraJo · 25/02/2010 12:00

Ok, I am still struggling with this weddings/marriages being for the whole family thing.

For example, my ex has just got remarried. He and his wife, on a beach, couple of witnesses from the hotel, didn't even tell DDs until after the event. DDs don't have a problem with it, although everyone else (except for me) has been outraged on their behalf. As far as they're concerned, big whoop - so, their dad has remarried.

I will still defend the OP's choice, because at the end of the day, how much of a happy day can you have if the bride and/or groom aren't 100% happy about having certain people there? (Or have I misunderstood something along the way?) I know some of my family are a bit about my DP. Knowing this, how could we get married 'publicly' in front of them and feel relaxed and happy?! We can't even do Sunday lunch! But the flip side is, how could we invite DP's family (whom I adore) and NOT invite mine? So we end up in this whole legal issue of not being married, and the implications of that, all for the sake of not being able to have a happy wedding day unless we, too, do it 'in secret'. It sucks when you're in that position. OP - you have my sympathy.

Original poster
lilylu22 · 25/02/2010 12:01

We don't expect them to join if they don't want to. We are holding this event because they have expressed they do want to.

MIL essentially believes that marriage is about a commitment to God, so i think under the premise, our civil vows will mean little to her. So probably most appropriate she witness our religious blessing, then everyone is happy(ish).

OP posts:
weegiemum · 25/02/2010 12:03

Everyone has one in their repetoire - the really "odd" wedding that they were at, the one that was "different" etc...

Maybe that's what you will end up as, "we went to this really weird wedding once where they made a huge fuss about doing the vows in private, what was that all about then?".

swanandduck · 25/02/2010 12:04

Beginning to think this thread is a wind up. However,if it isn't, I think the problem is that you aren't doing 'all or nothing'. You're inviting some people but not others, you're having a big party but in a venue it will cause your mil significant upset and inconvenience to get to.

Either just go off, the two of you, and get married and tell everyone afterwards and have a casual party for friends and family or, if you are inviting people, for God's sake include parents.

islandofsodor · 25/02/2010 12:04

I'm wondering if the legal situation is different in Australia which is leading to a different cultural viewpoint.

OP - In the UK a wedding ceremony is legally a public event, no bride is allowed to exclude any member of the public from attending hence your future mil feeling put out at this. They have to be held in a place accesible to the general public.

Maybe this is different in Australia hence the feeleing that they want it to be private.

Triggles · 25/02/2010 12:09

I find this puzzling:
"I object to having a religious ceremony for a number of reasons. One of my main objections is SIL has a female partner and I find it so strange that MIL can continue to involve herself in an institution that condemns her daughters loving and healthy relationship.. But that is another thread entirely and I'm sure even fewer people would agree with my views."

So you feel this is necessary:
"Hopefully will find a lovely female, lesbian member of the clergy "

Which is odd, as I can't imagine why the clergymember need be lesbian. You and your OH are not gay.. so they're not going to refuse to do your blessing. And I would have thought that you have no business deciding that MIL should not involve herself in an institution .. blah blah blah.. her choice. That's entirely up to her.

Anyway, it doesn't matter. Some people float through life thinking they are the centre of the universe. One day the penny will drop. I too think that if you were truly that concerned about having the ceremony private, you'd just do it and get it done. Then have a party at each country for family to celebrate. Not so horribly complicated, but then where's the fun and drama....

Troll or bridezilla... not horribly much difference, I think.

upahill · 25/02/2010 12:17

This thread is going nowhere fast and for that reason (In the voice of Duncan Bannatyne)I'm out.

Rockbird · 25/02/2010 12:28

Of course your parents are encouraging you to do what you want, because they are the ones partly causing the issue! You have admitted that yourself.

I think GhoulsAreLoud has it really. Do whatever you want, but don't expect to be patted on the back for doing the best thing for all concerned. You are the one who has to look back at your wedding day and it's up to you what you want that memory to be.