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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to feel really sad about what this young mum said?

220 replies

CathyBurns · 22/02/2010 10:24

I don't know this girl well, just know her through someone else - but she's young (late teens) and pg with first baby

she said to her friend "Ugh, no, I won't be breastfeeding, XXX (partner) hates it, he says it's gross and like an animal"

who are these people who think like this? Where has it come from?

OP posts:
thatsnotmymonster · 22/02/2010 11:57

I think it's weird that people think BF is disgusting but will happily glug down the breastmilk of a cow

psychomum5 · 22/02/2010 11:58

I think it is really sad, and quite horrifying that in some cases, it is the partners that are having the issues and so putting pressure on the mums to not BF.

I was the only one amongst my friends who ever BF when I had DD1 (I was 21 then). For me, it was an instinctive and natural thing to do.....I nurtured her while she was in my womb, and so I would continue to do so once I had given birth. I BF all five of my children for the same reason.

My friends however........3 found it repulsive, and told me so......two I have not seen since, their loss not mine......I have better friends since.

one did stay friends, she told me that she only found it repulsive to her, for her own reasons, and wished she could change as she never found watching me (or others) breastfeeding repulsive. I think her attitude was partly a family thing.....she never had the encouragement IMHO.

Another of my friends back then WANTED to BF, but was told in no uncertain terms by her DH that they were HIS breasts, and not for the baby.....utter tosser , and thankfully, she eventually saw him for what he was and they divorced. Sad for the children (she had two by then), but then again, they were at least spared his vitriol against women. As the children were girls, I felt it a very good thing that my friend managed to get away.

I have to say, I do wish that when I was having DD1, I had something like MN......I could have directed my friends here and they could have learnt a lot about how wonderful BF can be, if it works, and if not, get the support so they don;t beat themselves up about it and forever regret.

psychomum5 · 22/02/2010 12:00

bluetits........I must be an oddity then.....I carried on with the let-down until well after I finshed BF.

maybe that is too much sharing actually

coldtits · 22/02/2010 12:02

Not everyone has the same attitude to their own bodies as you have to yours, and actually that's ok. Not everyone like the idea of breastfeeding, and as this is Great Britain and not nazi germany, you can't actually tell people that they must breatsfeed and it will feel good.

It's a shame breastfeeding rates aren't higher, but we need to work on the stigma for the next generation. You cannot shift the idea out of someone's head with reason. They will always have that internal shudder.

coldtits · 22/02/2010 12:03

I cannot bear the idea of a baby sucking my nipple. And that is nobody's business but mine.

MarineIguana · 22/02/2010 12:07

Actually my DP, who is a lovely man, not at all controlling or unpleasant, and highly educated does admit that BF makes him feel a bit funny and that it seems weird. He feels the same about there being a baby inside me and I often agree actually - it is a strange feeling to have another human inside you and then coming out and feeding from you. I love it, but it is very divorced from most modern life experiences.

The point is, as my DP knows, is that it's not about his feelings and while we do talk about them, they have no place in any decision about what actually happens, and I don't think he'd want them to. I bf because I want to and for the baby. It does upset me that there are relationships where the man tells the woman not to bf and she obeys. How appalling.

sfxmum · 22/02/2010 12:08

that point of view is quite common but I find it puzzling
people are mammals we are equipped to feed our young it is how it works, being too divorced from the way we are does not sound healthy to me

also people seem to have odd ideas about pleasure, not all pleasure is sexual,
breastfeeding is intimate and pleasurable, it is something you do for yourself and for your child
you can breastfeed and have sex they are not mutually exclusive

PlumBumMum · 22/02/2010 12:09

When I had dd2 a very young mum-to-be was put in the bed next to me (antenatal ward full)
I was feeding dd2 and she said
so how often do you have to do that then,

I felt sad, she was showing an interest but she was quite far along and really didn't have a clue,
hopefully she went on to try and breast feed, she asked me enough questions and I hope I was helpful in return

A few of my friends are eeeewwwwww at the thought and would never breast feed but have never discouraged me

Although I always remember 1 friend who at her birthday lunch told me if I was going to feed 2 week old ds, I could go to another table
I'm sure she dosen't remember it at all, because when she went on to have her own dcs she was disgusted at anyone who assummed she would bottle feed

bluetits · 22/02/2010 12:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Bonsoir · 22/02/2010 12:12

I am constantly fascinated by people's denial that they are, in fact, animals.

I'm an animal. I'm fully conscious of that fact.

sungirltan · 22/02/2010 12:13

what a shame. my dh enjoys me bf just a bit too much (hes not allowed to join in!!)

but seriously the more i read on mn the more i realise i am lucky that i am supported in my bf dd by my mum and dh but also my sil/bil - dh's family are quite militant about it!

porcamiseria · 22/02/2010 12:13

are you even surpised, breastfeeding is a middle class thing these days, end of

find me a teen mum that b feeds and I will eat my hat

thatsnotmymonster · 22/02/2010 12:13

Coldtits- I know exactly what you mean and I BF 3 dcs. If I imagine putting a baby to my nipple now it makes me shudder and feel weird and same when I was pg. However, as soon as I had given birth it seemed fine! As soon as I stopped BF (around 5mths) the thought was weird again IYSWIM?

PeachyPeachyEverPreachy · 22/02/2010 12:15

It is appalling Marine.

I do think its better now than it was- comparring ds1 (10, bf for only a short time due to his health) and ds4 (22 months, still bf), it seems more accepted but of course the dinosaurs are still about nd I do think from my own experience its easier to deal with them when you're older- MIL banished me to an unheated bedrrom to feed in her house and I meekly slunk off with ds2 when she asked me to go upstairs in my own home as well..... had she been in ds4's life and tried that she would have been asked to go upstairs herself!

amber1979 · 22/02/2010 12:19

I think that alot of the distaste at breast feeding does come from the idea we have these days, that the most important purpose of a womans body is to be sexually appealing to a man. Any function that has even the tinyest potential (or even percieved potential) to detract from that is derided. For example, I have had a very manual job for most of my life and I work out. Consquently I'm a bit muscular and have quite small boobs. I've been accused of being unfemine before - like looking like a page three girl is the only femine way.

Sex is just one function of the female body and I think it is desperately sad that people will reject the idea of breast feeding in deference to that.

As for the idea of men telling their partners not to breastfeed

bluetits · 22/02/2010 12:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

fishie · 22/02/2010 12:21

oh for heavens sake coldtits, why bring up nazi germany? zzzzzzzz

violentviolet · 22/02/2010 12:23

Someone in my family had a baby at 18, she didn't want to bf as she thought it was weird and hated the baby rooting at her, but she said a few weeks later that once she had started going to baby groups and had seen other mums happily bf their babies, she felt really sad that she hadn't tried at all, poor thing.

amber1979 · 22/02/2010 12:24

For Coldtits and fishie

May I introduce you to the concept of Godwins Law:

en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Godwin%27s_law

fishie · 22/02/2010 12:25

quite amber.

bluetits · 22/02/2010 12:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

fishie · 22/02/2010 12:27

porcamiseria, see SirBoobAlot down at 11.17.

GetOrfMoiLand · 22/02/2010 12:28

Porci - I was a teenage mother and breastfed for 3 months exclusively (until I went to work FT) 15 years ago. I am working class. Nobody else breastfed in my family. It was sometyhing I consciously chose to do as I thought it best.

I think this is another middle class 30s mums looking down on working class young mums threads dressed up as something else.

sweetkitty · 22/02/2010 12:33

I also hate it when a woman says she didn't BF as her husband wouldn't have like it as they are HIS breasts.

So a man sucking on them for sexual pleasure is seen as fine but a baby sucking on them to gain the best nutrition possible is not, how weird is that?

The whole drinking the breastmilk of another animal being fine but human breastmilk being seen as something horrible also puzzles me.

coldtits · 22/02/2010 12:34

Oh goodness Blueits, It's not like I own the name! No, don't change please, certainly not on my account.

Fishie, see, I thought I was making my feelings clear about breastfeeding using a reasonable analogy, I wasn't aware I was trapped in an episode of Fawlty Towers where We Must Not Mention The War!