To be upset by my friends comment to DP

[Lucyellensmumma]

My DD is four and in reception. I have been a SAHM at great financial cost, but i stand by my decision as the best one for our family.

My friend has worked, albeit p/t and over night hours since her DD was 6 months old, but now only works one day a week.

I have got an interview for a graduate teacher job this week. Anyway, bumped into them on the way to the swings yesterday and DP took DD to swings while i nipped off around the charity shops to try and score some clothes for the interview. Managed to find a blouse but will have to concede and buy new for the rest.

Whilst DP at the park my friend said to him that she "really feels the children need their mums at home after school, even more than when they needed us at home when they were wee"

This has made me feel terrible, but we are broke and in debt, we are managing just but its stressful and alot of pressure on DP. One of the reasons i have chosen teaching is because i will get some of the school holidays with DD (i know i wont get them all) and most nights will be home at a reasonable time. Anything else worhtwhile my doing would mean a long commute and therefore long hours away from home. Teaching fits with my family - i can make it work.

I just feel like maybe i am abandoning my DD, she loves me picking her up from school and i dont like the thought of someone else doing it, but im not sure i have the luxury of staying at home anymore - im constantly stressed so is DP, im sure the extra money will help us be more relaxed as a family.

It has made me question if i am doing the right thing or not, my DD is very homely and is only just begining to settle in school. Should i wait a few years do you think? Im not getting any younger, im 39!

Hmm, Orm that's obviously true, but I suppose it irritated me because it wasn't an unexpected or leftfield comment.

The OP asked (roughly) "what do you think, A or B?" in a manner that suggested she would actually consider "b" as it were ("It has made me question if i am doing the right thing or not" / "Should i wait a few years do you think?")
However as soon as someone with that viewpoint says, "well I know you probably don't want to hear it but, yes, actually I'd go for the latter") She gets the face and was accused of being unsupportive.

i've dont it again!!!! really sorry lotster - i am gonig mad MAD i tell you - i wasn't referring to your post at all when i mentioned the tongue in cheek thing, i was talking about clara jos post just above or below yours - oops, sorry sorry sorry!!

I think you made a fair point about kitty, and i DID say i was a vegetarian. I shouldnt be allowed on mnet!! im a liablity!

Aha! I also suffer most of the time from mummy brain

I would get the job first and then worry about it.The competition for GTP round this way is pretty fierce !!

out of interest lobster why do you think its "gross" to use information a poster freely puts on their profile to inform your opinion on their opinion (IYSWIM).

The fact someone is well off enough to stay at home without making significant sacrifices is relevant to the SAHM/WOHM debate which this is (at least partly).

LEM,do your preparation.get clothes etc sorted,and definite self belief strategies walk into interview thinking i can do this

and most of all good luck

"out of interest lobster why do you think its "gross" to use information a poster freely puts on their profile to inform your opinion on their opinion (IYSWIM).

The fact someone is well off enough to stay at home without making significant sacrifices is relevant to the SAHM/WOHM debate which this is (at least partly)."

I agree with that, if someone has a husband on a good salary and doesnt have to work it does have a baring in the SAHM/WOHM debate. It doesnt mean their viewpoint isn't valid but may mean its biased.

I think that if Mum's happy, the rest of the family is happy. Do what you feel is right, you know best for you and the family. It's your decision. And it is understandable to feel apprehensive before going back to work, see how you feel after a few weeks.

"out of interest lobster (lotster (must change my name!) why do you think its "gross" to use information a poster freely puts on their profile to inform your opinion on their opinion (IYSWIM)"

I think it's a cheap shot, and crass. The info (probably foolishly) put on one's profile is not usually added in order for people to use it as a stick to beat you with. And it's a massive assumption that because someone's husband works in a particular industry that they are well off (you have no idea of their actual incoming/outgoings/debts) and as one person put it being 'sanctimonious' when she was being nothing of the sort. I just found it an ignorant thing to do.

sorry about the crustacean thing

Hah hah, it's only happened about 167 times- every time I try to change my name it's taken!!

Ha, it's the way of MN though. In my early days here I would have been rather peeved at this thread. After a few years you know the ways things are going to go, the way people are going to react. It never changes on MN. It doesn't peeve me now.
I remember one of my early arguments about a similar topic,. it went on for bloody days and days and days..... might still be going for all I know.
Hey I didn't get a pasting. This is pretty tame compared to some stuff.
Thanks for the thoughts though and OP I wish you well

Thanks kitty - thing is, we are ALL united by wanting the best for our children, tis bound to get heated.

Working mums and stay at home mums each make a valuable contribution to society, both options are likely to work out fine for the children, so it depends on your situation.

I'm a full time worker (MN during coffee break!)and I think that as well as the financial considerations it can actually be quite good for children to see women as having a life beyond the home, being ambitious and having something to contribute to the wider world.

Having a career makes you a great role model for your DD. Ignore your friend, go for it and enjoy your grown up working life as well as your family.

"I just think when we're older we will look back and wish we had more time with our kids when they were small and we won't be thinking about the extra money we could have earned if we'd gotten a full time job. "

No, I don't regret it. DD is 14 now and I have alwasy worked FT since she was tiny. She doesn't resent me for it and I don't regret it.

When I first went back to work in was solely for financial reasons aka keeping a roof over our heads. Then thought if I was working FT I may as well work my way up, so did my degree PT as well ,and worked my way up the slippery slope.

If I had stayed home with DD and went to work PT I would not at all have the career as I have now. I would have just a PT job with no worth and probably few career prospects.

So it has worked out for us both. And my working life has proved such an attraction to DD that she is aiming to enter the same profession herself. And she also states that she would not give up work when she has children.

So it has worked out well for us both, with no regrets.

Getof..... I agree with you about going back to work.

When I was pregnant with DS1 it never even occured to me that staying at home was an option. I don't know why I just assumed I;d be working. Like I said I had a sick feeling before I went back after my mat leave but I always do when there is a radical change in my life.

A year or so after DS1 had been born financial disaster struck us. We had been quite OK but DH went under. Thank God I was working I was able to keep us afloat with the mortgage and the extended family bought us food and helped with bills. Things eventually turned round and we are quite OK again but I am so thankful I work. I love my job. I love being with my kids. I like what money enables me to do with them.

I pay into the works pensions as well having another pension so I am looking after my future and I have a healthy sum saved should anythilng bad happen to DH.

Some of my friends are SAHM and that works for them.
As I've said before you must do what ever you can to look after your family. No good being passive and expecting a partner to do it all. You can't seee into the future and you don't know what is going to happpen.

Good Luck with everything and let us know how you get on!

Tthere is always going to be someone who will come along and piss on your parade. Whatever you do, it is never perfect (nothing ever is) and someone somewhere misses out on something. Parents (ok then, mothers) mostly feel guilty about what they didnt do, could have done, should be doing etc.

My advice? Ignore unhelpful comments, concentrate on the people who know and love and support you the best. And go for it. What's the worst that can happen? It doesn't work out and you have a rethink. Important to try things out before you dismiss them, though. You may well love being a working mum. I did.

Hearing other opinions can be useful but really you have to do what is right for you and your family.

Others who have chosen different paths have done it because that was right for them.

Please Do NOT let yourself be pushed into a guilt trip.

You are not the only mother who is going back to work and your DD will of course be fine and happy.

Don't beat yourself about it please. You don't have to justify your choices to other people.

UPDATE: It seems my friends words to DP did alot more damage than i anticipated. DP and I had an enormous row last night which nearly resulted in him walking out - i had my intereview today thanks for that. DP was all apologetic this morning and said that he felt stressed about the interview - i was um, d'uh thats my job its my interview - he said, no, im worried about leaving DD - WTF?? He has spent the last four years nagging me to get a job when i wanted to be a SAHM, but now my freind planted seeds of doubt in his head and i get that comment as i walk out of the door to my interview I had just about come to peace with it in my own mind, that it was a good thing - anyway, i think its pretty academic, they picked up on my lack of experience straight away and there were 12 other candidates, all of whom were TAs! The words snowball and hell spring to mind.

sorry LEM. Don't give up on this job and anyway there are other jobs out there.

I have always gone back to work (p/t)after a years mat leave for each of my kids, and am certain they have never suffered from me not being there full time. They love their CM and are best friends with her kids - if I arrive early to collect them my kids tell me off as they haven't yet finished playing. I have exactly the same conversations with the kids when I pick them up from the CMs that I would if I picked them up from school (and I know this since for a few years I finished work at 2.30 so that I could pick them up). The key is getting the right childcare - if your DD is happy then you will be. Kids are very adaptable. The only thing I would say is that you should try and get a job where you don't need to work too late or too far away, and teaching will give you this. The only time I struggle with working is when I am kept late at work. If I leave at 4pm, as I should, its fine, if I am kept later then the evenings become too rushed and stressful. And with my feminist hat on I would say its important to see mummy and daddy both having a career and contributing to the family income, as well as sharing the childcare. It sounds to me that you have done the very best for your daughter - you were there for her throughout her pre-school years, and now shes at school you will be working to maintain your home and lifestyle. I think you deserve a huge pat on the back. And your DD will be absolutely fine - I can guaranttee it.

all academic now - didnt get the job

plan B - try and promote DPs business some more, design a website and think about my dog walking business again - feel a bit of a bit fat FAIL!! now will have to face friend and tell her job didnt come off - wont she be smug!!

Sorry LEM - I know what you mean about childminding suddenly starting to seem like a good idea - not really the same thing though. I am facing a similar dilemma atm - I don't want the dcs to become holiday scheme kids (I love holidays with them for the most part), I can't really remember how to do my job anymore, looked through old degree/postgrad material and no longer remember anything really. Wtf am I meant to do - I have at least 30 years of working life left apparently.

LEM if she dares say anything to you about it, tell her that your DP told you what she said, and in future you'll thank her to keep the fuck out of your private life. She's not a friend anyway, so no loss.

Sorry you didn't get the job, it is very tough atm. Don't give up. You've got a lot of life left, your DD can't take up all of it.

Sorry you didn't get the job. Maybe you just cull her now.