To be upset by my friends comment to DP

[Lucyellensmumma]

My DD is four and in reception. I have been a SAHM at great financial cost, but i stand by my decision as the best one for our family.

My friend has worked, albeit p/t and over night hours since her DD was 6 months old, but now only works one day a week.

I have got an interview for a graduate teacher job this week. Anyway, bumped into them on the way to the swings yesterday and DP took DD to swings while i nipped off around the charity shops to try and score some clothes for the interview. Managed to find a blouse but will have to concede and buy new for the rest.

Whilst DP at the park my friend said to him that she "really feels the children need their mums at home after school, even more than when they needed us at home when they were wee"

This has made me feel terrible, but we are broke and in debt, we are managing just but its stressful and alot of pressure on DP. One of the reasons i have chosen teaching is because i will get some of the school holidays with DD (i know i wont get them all) and most nights will be home at a reasonable time. Anything else worhtwhile my doing would mean a long commute and therefore long hours away from home. Teaching fits with my family - i can make it work.

I just feel like maybe i am abandoning my DD, she loves me picking her up from school and i dont like the thought of someone else doing it, but im not sure i have the luxury of staying at home anymore - im constantly stressed so is DP, im sure the extra money will help us be more relaxed as a family.

It has made me question if i am doing the right thing or not, my DD is very homely and is only just begining to settle in school. Should i wait a few years do you think? Im not getting any younger, im 39!

I have just remembered that, at the dses previous primary school, at least two of the teachers had children, and had worked when their dc were similar ages to yours - and all of the children seemed happy, well adjusted and were doing well at school.

So good luck for the interview - I am sure you have a lot to offer the teaching profession, and that the interviewers will see this!

I went back to work when DS was about 13 months - we could have just about got by if hadn't gone back but I wanted to go back.

I love being at home with DS but I also wanted to work too - so I went PT and he goes to a lovely nursery where all of his little friends go too. I personally believe he has got a lot more out of having a happy mummy 4 days a week and a lovely nursery 3 days a week than he would having a slightly frustrated mummy 7 days a week. It works for us as a family, and I never question my choice or my ability as a mother (well I do actually, all the bloody time, but not in relation to working!). Some of my friends had to go back to work pretty early on, I never thought anything of it - you do what you have to do, (or what you want to do... if it's your choice), who cares what anyone else thinks.

Given your financial situation, you have to go back to work, so that's that. Don't beat yourself up about it, you're making the decision for your family - that's what good parents do, they make the best decisions they can for their families. Sometimes they're tough decisions, but if the family as a whole benefits, you're doing the right thing. Good luck with the interview btw, like a really good opportunity!

Have courage LEM. It sounds like going back to work is the best thing you could possibly do for your daughter.

I work ft now that my ds is at school AND I manage to get to all the family days and assemblies and parents meetings I am invited to attend. It is not the end of the world.

Best of luck with the job interview.

LEM good luck it's hard to know what's best, I've dont pt ft & SAHM and dcs benefit and don't in all combos.

Imo kids are very adaptable, just dont make too big of a thing in front of her or else she will think it is a big thing iyswim.

But I do think kittywise has had it hard on this thread. You've been around long enough to know this is a highly emotive subject and you chose to post in aibu yet got upset when someone gave an opinion, if you were a newby you would have got a lot worse.

Good luck LEM - hope the interview goes well.

Agree totally with scottishmummy and Brahms - SM in that you do have to develop a thich skin re comments like tjis, and Brahms advice to tell intefering busybodies to fuck off.

You will get comments from the precious moments brigade. You will have some snide commenst about missing sports day and assemblies. You will have someone being snide becasue you are donating tesco cakes for a bake sale as opposed to making them yourself like the paragon SAHMs. You just need to learn to smile sweetly. say 'oh thank you for your comments in glacial sarcastic tone, and then carry on.

I think the fact that a mother goes out to work to pay the mortgage is equally valuable as a mother who stays at home and contributes that way. I have worked FT since dd was 3months, she is now 14 and a treasure. And on asking what she would do when she has a baby - she says she will work, no question. Because she has had the example of a mother who has gone out to work, reaped the rewards both financially and professionally, and has made the choices which have best suit her family and situation.

I don't know why some SAHMs think that they have the moral high ground tbh.

to be fair cloud - Kitty didn't get a particularly hard time from LEM but from others who felt she was being insensitive given that the OP shrieks of guilt at the fact that she has to go back to work.

Even in AIBU I don't think anyone would be given too hard a time based on the contents of the OP.

cloud dragon - i answered kitty, she came back at me, i answered again - however, i did point out on one of my posts that i did think she was being treated harshly to be fair. And she did apologise for being insensitive too.

Im very grateful for all the kind words

Everyone is entitled to an opinion. LEM, you are equally entitled to distance yourself from people (in RL and on MN) whose opinions you find hurtful.

Your DD will be fine. You will have to deal with the guilt on an ongoing basis, though, I'm afraid. My DM worked - more full-time when DB1 and I were at primary school than at any other time, and I have never resented that for an instant - but she still feels guilty. My DC have always dealt with DH and I both working, and the important things to them seem to be that they know on any given day what they are doing (ideally a couple of days in advance) and, for DS, that I do pick him up once a week, because that means that I am part of the 'Mummy network' and can organise friends coming to play/him going to play. ATM I work 4 days a week and the day off is, TBH, more for DS(7)'s benefit than DD(3)'s. I appreciate that any sort of part time may well not be an option when getting back into work, but if your timetable were to work out such that you could pick DD up once a week, that would be a real bonus IMO.

Best of luck with the interview.

Lucy,

What Ziggurat said. One of the best bits of advice I got before I had DS was from a colleague. She told me I would get a lot of guilt-tripping and snide, judgy comments once I became a mother, and almost all of it would be from worried, guilty women trying desperately to justify their own choices.

Also, just to look at it from another perspective, my mother worked when we were small, because she had to. And we were fine. My parents really put in the effort at evenings and weekends and we always understood we were their priority.

My mother has been a fantastic role model. As soon as I started working I realised how valuable it was to have a mother who could talk to me about working life from a woman's perspective (esp when I was being bullied by a male colleague).I learned a lot about love and duty and values from seeing how she lived her working life.

So, however much staying at home may be your (and kitty's preferred option, there are (small) positives to being a working mother. Take them and make them work for you and your dd, without guilt.

Actually I sort of agree with Kittywise (pretty much a first for me). I think children probably are happier with their parents being there when they are home in the early school years anyway.

However that means that most women who have one child should give up completely on the idea of any meaningful work for about 8-9 years (if they also agree that children under 3 need this) If they have more than one child (which most do) then that would probably double to 15-18 years.

We have to live in the real world we really do and people's lives (and therefore children's) aren't perfect.

The OP has valid reasons to return to work and she needs to make that choice in a positive way for her famiy. Hand wringing over it will make it all worse.

I say all this as someone who worked 3 days a week and then 4 days then 3 days again from ds being 1 - present (5.3 years old).

I don't fool myself in that I know ds would probably be happier if I or DH always collected him from school instead of the current 3 times a week. He also would probably prefer not to go to childcare 2-3 days in the half terms etc.

However Ds is a happy well-adjusted child and I think he is doing just fine.

When I look at the grown-up children of my friends (of whom I have a few being an older mother) I really can't see that whether their mother worked outside the home or not when they were young has made any difference to how they have turned our.

What does seem to matter is the quality of relationship they have with their parents and this really doesn't seem to depend on whether their mother was a SAHM or WOHM (FT or PT)

I appreciate it is a small sample and can only be anecdotal but it is enough for me and the OP needs to make the best decision she can and make her peace with it.

LEM, good luck with the interview etc.

My mum went into teaching when I was in primary. It worked fine. I was really proud of her and thought she was really clever. Even then, at primary age, I was able to sense that I was proud of her because she was clever and doing a hard job - I was more proud of her than I would have been if she'd 'just' been at home

The irony being that I am made to be a SAHM myself and if money allowed I would totally be home full time! However, my experience as a kid has enabled me to see that kids gain alot from the example of mum working.

I think you have to not agonise about this at all. clearly you have to work. So you work. You've chosen a good job to fit in with your maternal duties; our school holidays as a family were idyllic and are some of my best memories of childhood

It will all be fine

lol bumblingbovine. NOBODY agrees with me, even if they want to

Actually Kitty I broadly agree with you, though like Bumbling I would say 'parent' rather than 'mother' specifically. I also think it is far far more important that parents do what they truly think is right for their children, and not merely what they want to do for themselves (not saying LEM is doing the latter).

"I think you have to not agonise about this at all. clearly you have to work. So you work." Actually I'm with Cirrohsis, I have to work so I don't spend too much time getting all angsty over it, I minimise my own life outside of work at the moment in order to give DS as much time as I can. I'm lucky that on the rare occasions when childcare has not been working out well for DS for some reason, I have been able to compromise and come up with a solution which worked for him.

There are no perfect parents, working vs staying at home is just one in a big mish-mash of actions/decision/life choices that all parents make.

For every parent who stays at home until their child is 18 I have no doubt someone could come up with something else they are doing that is not right for their child. It just isn't possible to give your child the perfect life - even if we could all agree on what the perfect life is!

Yanbu to feel annoyed, I would be spitting chips.
Yes lovely for children to have their mummies at home, but you did the bit where her brain was developing and attachment and securities were forming, and now you are doing the best thing for your family by giving financial security-no one should underestimate the impact that financial insecurity has on a family.
Your friend is just a bit peeved you did it better all than she did

Ignore her. She's just expressing her opinion although why she thought it was a good thing to do in the circumstances I don't know .

Regardless of whether it's better for the children, if you have no choice it's irrelevant. It would be better for my 2 boys to have seperate rooms - but as things stand that isn't going to happen. Big deal! They will have to cope and will be fine.

It does get harder when you have kids at school, but that's harder for you, not for them IMO.

Haven't read all the thread, but I hate this idea that a child NEEDS their mother, they also need their FATHER! they need a parent at home as I believe it is beneficial to both child and parents in having a parent at home after school etc...

Its very victorian and 1950s way of thinking, both parents can equally do the same in their roles in parenthood.

Im lucky in the sense that we get the best of both worlds in that my children will always have one parent at home, dh worlds days and I work evenings/nights.

weather you need the money or not is irrespective to me, you can work even when you dont NEED to, I love my children dearly, but I Have other interests other then my children, I can be a mother a professional,a wife and everything else that I/we want to be.

I dont just want to be a mother, I want to be other things also. Their is nothing wrong with doing all of them.

How is it that we still live in this world thinking that as parents, one parent has to be at home always, and cannot do other things for our own benefit and not solely for our children! I find it very bizarre way of thinking.

I am still seething with my friend to be honest - its not the comment, which is what this thread has turned into - she is entitled to her opinion she has said it to me recently, but she had no right to express this to DP. I don't go up to her DP and say, oh you know, i don't think your4DW should work out of the home all night and sometimes not see her DD for a couple of days in a row - which is what she has done since the child was born, but now she can be at home after school she has got all smug about it. theres other things too - I need positive people around me, i suffer from depression and negativity drags me down very quickly.

I have to cool the friendship down i think, i like this person but the friendship has never felt easy - its been more about the children. She has always made comments about how wonderful a day she has had with her DD doing x y and z, like she has to bolster up her parenting, i have lovely days with my DD but i dont feel i have to evangalise about it. I would have dropped this person ages ago but she has had some sad things happen and i felt she needed my support - its not nice to have that thrown back in your face because I have to go back to work now. I always intended on going back to work as soon as DD started school, i would have gone back already but DD settled slowly so to wait til next sept when she has had a year to settle seems the next best thing.

I had to get that out there!

Its more that she told DP, i have probably told her in the past that DP has always wanted me to work but i stood by my decision to be a SAHM, so he is pleased about my decision now but recognises that my decisioin to SAHM was right for us when DD at home. Shes at school now. I feel like she felt she was almost sticking up for me wiht my DP! Well sorry, i don't need sticking up for beleive me. My DP loves me and respects my decisions, we dont always agree but generally, what i say goes. Its always been like that - i think her house is a LOT different!

Blimey, I've worked from home since the children were tiny, so I've always been "there" for them (concerts, sports days, illness, after-school activities). And you know what it came down to the other day? That DDs felt sorry for their stepmother, who had had to spend the previous week working in the office till 11pm. WTF? I've done that for bloody years, all so I could mix motherhood and providing for my family. Where's my sympathy?!

Firstly YANBU - it sounds you're a good mother, who spent a lot of time thinking about a career to fit around your child. Your friend was being not only insensitive, but a bit sneaky IMO saying it to your OH when you weren't there.

Secondly however, it's really disappointing to see the way you (and several others) jumped very quickly on Kitty, who simply gave her opinion, as you asked, and was one of the first to take the time to do so. Too often people come on to the AIBU threads because someone or something has pissed them off, asks for opinions, then turns that aggression on the first person who doesn't simply stroke them and say "poor you!!!". Not very sisterly. Kitty was civil and honest and didn't deserve that roasting IMHO..

I didnt roast kitty - i LIKE cats and im a vegetarian!! Seriously, i wasn't about to agree with her was i? If others flammed her thats not my fault - She made some good points and the sad thing is that i essentially agree with her, but what she wouldnt accept is that i don't have a choice. I did say in one of my post that i thought people were being harsh on her - i do think that the majority of mnetters are working mums or have been at some point so maybe this thread is skewedin that direction?

I am more than aware of how AIBU works and its a bit no holds barred opinions and that is what i wanted, but by the same virtue that you must expect to be disagreed with if you post with an opinion that otheres disagree with then you have to take the flak whether you are the OP or not!

I thought she was harsh, i told her so - i also said i agreed with her to a point - this IS a sensitive subject for me and it would seem kitty too - fair play to her.

FWIW i don't think she lost any sleep over it she seems like she could fight her corner perfectly well.

Lotser, i know your post was tongue in cheek but i think it really highlights that actually, as a mum - pretty much you are damned if you do, damned if you don't!

Seriously, you should have seen the flamings i used to get when i was defending my choice to be a SAHM when DD was little - im surprised im not a nervous wreck! So it works both ways.

Hi again, not sure which part you thought was tongue in cheek but none of it was intended to be..

I meant what I said about you seeming like a good mother who had tried to make a choice to work that was tailored to suit your child.

And I meant it when I said you jumped on her for not telling you what you wanted to hear, after inviting opinions either way.

It pulls the rug from under people somewhat to ask for opinions then immediately retort with "yeah thanks for that kitty - really supportive " when they weren't even being particularly aggressive or unkind, after all, opinions are personal.

Also hate it when people (not you) go and check out a person's home situation on their profile and use it to make cheap shots about them being too well off to have a valid point, just gross.

Was just illustrating what put me off getting too involved in the thread. Which I now seem to be anyway!!

Good luck with your job.

Didn't read all the posts so this may have already been said but maybe you could get a job that would still allow you spend time with your daughter? Presumably you've qualified as a teacher so can you supervise exams (it is coming up to that time of year!) do marking etc? Are there any job shares available? Any jobs ( maybe in a technical college) where you would only need to be in for a few hours a day?

I just got a job one day a week in the university supervising practicals but with all the marking I can do from home it gives a respectable salary and I'm only away from the boys for a few hours a week - my mum watches them that day. I do think it makes a difference having your mum at home. I loved my mum being there when we got home from school (she worked mornings and then started childminding). I definitely remember it and appreciate that she did that for us. Not meaning to make you feel guilty at all. I just think when we're older we will look back and wish we had more time with our kids when they were small and we won't be thinking about the extra money we could have earned if we'd gotten a full time job.

I'm not sure why having a genuine viewpoint should make you less open to critisism though lotster. I could express all kind of opinions that would upset people and I may well be flamed for it - that's the nature of a discussion board.