Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

in thinking that there should be a "what not to do" Book for MIL's?

226 replies

Kitkatqueen · 16/02/2010 23:54

Ok, so there have been quite a few MIL aibu's lately including the 1st Haircut another memorable one for me was the MIL who gave her grandchild his 1st food while his mum had popped to the shops. Oh!! and the MIL who wanted to "suckle" her grandchild so that she could bond with them.....

Upset was caused, trust was lost, so what is the "line"? what shouldn't MIL's do?

I'm hoping that one day I will be a MIL 4 times over and I would hate to think that I had caused so much upset. So...
What have your MIL's done that they shouldn't iyvho?

OP posts:
giveitago · 28/02/2010 15:28

Well if awake, I agree with you, but if asleep then definately a no no.

Babyonboardinthesticks · 28/02/2010 15:29

Because I'm not from the same culture I don't understand why a MIL would be able to insist on something. Under English law she cannot. Women have a voice and rights. Why can't the woman just say no you're not going. Also why would the MIL know when the appointment is? YTou have privacy rights in the UK. Just don't take her. If she is coming towards the car put the baby in and drive off without her. Why can't people say no? Is it because girls are brought up to be obedient and submissive?

Why not just say politely - I'm afraid I go to medical appointments alone but I will tell you how it goes when I get back.

piscesmoon · 28/02/2010 15:33

It would never occur to me that a MIL would insist on anything. I certainly wouldn't let them do something inappropriate-just look baffled and go without her. I don't think you have to be particularly assertive to follow Xenia's sensible advice.

giveitago · 28/02/2010 15:35

Yep you're right - but she was staying with us. I had the buggy and she followed me.

I think more than anything is that birth of ds was lkife the second coming for her. I was too tired to make her go home and she wouldn't find her way back. But what made me laugh is that I told here what the doctor had said (ie tell that woman to put that child down) and she still didn't bloody get it.

That's not culture - that's bonkers.

Also my dh and I were going through a bad patch and she was making it worse so easier for her to follow me than for me to be really difficult and it all gets fed through to dh who was not being much of dh at that time.

But you are right - in quite a few situation we somehow enable other people's bad behaviour - for whatever reason.

piscesmoon · 28/02/2010 15:43

I would just keep calm and look completely baffled giveitago-unless she is completely thick skinned -she will get the message. For example when she threw the milk away you could just calmly say in a surprised,unconfrontational way. 'why did you throw the milk away?' When she comes up with an answer just tell her calmly that you would like her to ask before she throws anything away in future. Say it with authority as if you expect her to do it and ignore any further discussion on it.

CelluliteCity · 28/02/2010 16:01

giveitago forgive me if i am wrong but to me your posts come across as though your dh and mil treat you as beneath them.

giveitago · 28/02/2010 16:06

Pisces - I was very calm - did tell her - she didn't care and did it again.

No they don't think I'm beneath them but I think they are jealous of me and like a person to know their place - that's it basically. Also mil does have the tiniest tiniest world view.

She's bonkers - I do my best to give her the least headspace possible. And it could be worse - I could be living the same country as her.

I will do the assertive thing again - better to be viewed as a bitch but get my point across than to be trampled upon which is what has happened recently.

I'm now reformed. I kind of feel sorry for her actually.

Babyonboardinthesticks · 28/02/2010 16:18

It must be a difficult balance to get right if she was then living with you and you can hardly push her back home or cause a scene in the doctor's waiting room. If she's living abroad it's not going to be a huge issue. My late mother was good at supporting how we brought up our children but she was certainly not easy to have around but it was in small tolerable doses.

I would have been horrified if anyone threw carefully expressed breast milk away. Takes so much effort to express it.

I think you're right to rise above it and feel sorry for her and just keep a distance.

piscesmoon · 28/02/2010 16:50

It is difficult but I wouldn't be confrontational. Smile sweetly do your own thing and try and rise above it.

ilovehugs · 28/02/2010 18:50

Bloody hell.

i feel really bad for moaning about the stupid magnet toys and the fags now.

thesecondcoming · 28/02/2010 19:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

iamanewmum31 · 28/02/2010 22:33

'giveitago' have you tried changing the subjects when your MIL starts interfering and speaking to her about her problems? As it sounds like she hasn't had a good life. If you act like a Mother to her it may stop her from interfering as she might start concentrating on herself more. Although from what you have written here it seems like a total nightmare. My MIL was very interfering and has often spoke out of turn. I went on the la leche website and they had good ways of dealing with critisism. I give her short answers to questions about my DD and always turn the subject to her and what she is doing. Maybe get your MIL involved in helping in the community when she is here or put her to work baking! My MIL had really upset me on several occasions after I had my DD. I have tried as much as I can to be strong. When I visited her recently my FIL told me she had been ill (she is diabetic). She hadn't been looking after herself and this has contributed to her speaking out of turn. I am going to try and keep the upper hand!

iamanewmum31 · 28/02/2010 22:41

When I said that MIL should ask Before picking up baby I didn't realise others found this sad. This must be me and my family! I find it annoying when you have ( for example) put the baby in the bouncy chair ( baby has reflux) and a relative picks baby up and complains about baby crying! Also it is repectful to the new parents. Personally I didn't (still don't to some extent) like anyone picking up my baby without asking. This includes my own parents! My DH feels the same. My own mum felt the same way after she had me. Does anyone else feel like this?

piscesmoon · 01/03/2010 07:11

I feel it is good for babies to be sociable and not living in some sterile, bubble like a possession! It doesn't really matter- the time is so short and it gets to a point early on where the baby decides who will pick them up-they will reach for the person, cry or squirm to be put down.

mampam · 01/03/2010 09:26

The only time I've ever not wanted someone to pick the baby up is when I had DD and one afternoon she just screamed and screamed. My brother came over and very patiently sang to her for ages (he's a professional singer so not as sickly as it sounds!) and finally got her off to sleep.

About 10 minutes later MIL and FIL (now ex ILs) came in and wanted to pick her up. I asked if they could just wait a little while as DB had just managed to get her off and they were quite clearly really pissed off with me.

My DC's a really really excited about this baby so when it arrives I expect they will be picking it up all the time (until the novelty wears off) and the poor thing will probably get no peace at all

Babies generally sleep through anything and are probably more likely to sleep when being cuddled. I personally don't mind when a baby is picked up but if a set of parents would rather be asked then that's their personal choice.

mampam · 01/03/2010 09:29

My DC's are really really excited. Oops!

pagwatch · 01/03/2010 09:30

I don't
when people come to see a baby I think it is lovely and natural for them to pick a child up. If said baby had just gone to sleep or was fractious/not well then I may ask that he/she be left for a bit.

The notion that people are upset when a loving friend or relative reaches out to hold their child without asking permission leaves me pretty and

I hate this thread

iamanewmum31 · 01/03/2010 10:37

'pagwatch' Have you ever thought that people might just want advice and a place to vent. Why bother leaving a comment unless you have something constuctive to say. I may be suffering from PND. The reason why I wanted to know was 'are my feelings normal'.

Osmama · 01/03/2010 11:04

iamanewmum, I think it is understandable to feel that way, but the important thing is to remember that part of being a mum is letting go and encouraging your little one to have his/her own relationships - from day one.

By the way, I always ask before touching other people's babies since friend was venting to me about her ILs always picking her tiny DC up and "spoiling" him so he always wanted to be held when they were gone.

[Help - came on this thread to vent about little in-law grievances and now find myself stunned by what some people have to put up with and otherwise forced to take side of in-laws!]

pagwatch · 01/03/2010 12:24

err . yes.

And maybe people post replies when they are feeling astonishingly sad. That their dad died, that their PIL rejected son with SN, that SN son is unbelieveably miserable and frightened and won't let anyone touch him...

Or does it only work one way?

RelocatingMum · 01/03/2010 14:50

I'm with 'iamanewmum31'. A baby or young child has no control over what happens to it. The parents quickly learn what's best for their child and that includes when it is or isn't a good time to be picking them up and rocking them around. My two DDs have had lots of cuddles from our friends and relatives and most people were thoughtful enough to simply say "can I give her a quick cuddle?". I do think it's polite to just ask first, just as I would expect them to do before thrusting chocolate down their throats or anything else.

I guess we all have a different perspective about what is good manners. A child has rights and isn't a possession to be passed around to give pleasure to others.

TopSop · 01/03/2010 15:05

There is actually a book already.

The Good Granny Guide, by Jane Fearnley-Whittingstall!!! we bought a copy for my MIL before DS was born.... To be fair she's pretty good, there's no comparison between her and some of the evil cowbags described on this thread but she does have her moments of thoughtlessness and says the wrong thing (as do we all) which I've learned (in the main) to let slide as the other 95% of the time she's a decent human being who loves us all and shows it!

iamanewmum31 · 01/03/2010 15:18

Am sorry 'pegwatch'. MIL is coming round and I will try and be more laid back.

piscesmoon · 01/03/2010 18:08

I think I would be offended if anyone bought me the Good Granny Guide! I would hope they would know that I knew how to behave and didn't need Jane Fearnley-Whittingstall to earn lots of money telling me! I shall be myself-I wouldn't actually pick up a baby without asking, but I think it sad people have 'rules'.

giveitago · 01/03/2010 19:22

Osmama - letting go from day one!!!!!!! I don't think so - being relaxed as possible - but letting go - nah. Not newborns surely - you've just give birth and you're meant to let go?

Iamanewmum - no - cannot turn the conversation to mil - no - it's all about her already and thats the big problem LOL!!!!

She's a lost cause.