in thinking that there should be a "what not to do" Book for MIL's?

[Kitkatqueen]

Ok, so there have been quite a few MIL aibu's lately including the 1st Haircut another memorable one for me was the MIL who gave her grandchild his 1st food while his mum had popped to the shops. Oh!! and the MIL who wanted to "suckle" her grandchild so that she could bond with them.....

Upset was caused, trust was lost, so what is the "line"? what shouldn't MIL's do?

I'm hoping that one day I will be a MIL 4 times over and I would hate to think that I had caused so much upset. So...
What have your MIL's done that they shouldn't iyvho?

"grandparents should have the right to do normal, every day things without asking permission"

and these are?

I think some posters on here might sound controlling in the face of such intrusion on their parenting by other people. It's a natural response not to give an inch once a mile has been taken.

"My mother is not a guest in my house - and I am not a guest in hers" - and your mil, seeker?

There are so many variants of people out there - of course some mils are complete cows from hell and of course so are some dils. Don't assume because your picture is all rosy it's the same for everyone.

My mil is not a guest in my house either - she is my dp's mother, so has exactly the same status as my mother. She is a difficult woman, and she would be difficult whether she was my mil or not. But she has a role and a status in our family and with my children and she has rights and responsibilities within the family.

My MIL and FIL are lovely, they acknowledge the fact that I am DS's Mummy and never interfere. My Mum and Dad on the other hand can be a total PITA. They take over, give DS their mobile phones and when he proceeds to chuck them on the floor in a paddy and I tell him off they say "oh he's ok" .
They totally indulged my DB and let him get away with murder, he is now a 35 year old man who doesn't work, lives at home with my parents and doesn't pay a fucking bean. He smokes, runs a motorbike and a van all paid for by fraudulant tax credit claims which my Dad says "aren't fraudulant if the government think he's working" WTF. Sorry went off on a rant there.

So even if you are a difficult person, you are not pulled up on your difficultness (so to speak) because you have rights and responsibilities in your family?

In my family, if you don't behave in a normal and reasonable way i.e. you're being a fool, you're pulled up for it in a second and not indulged and tolerated because you're an uncle, a grandmother or a sibling.

A healthy grounding for all imo and, as a result, most rub along nicely. No nutters allowed and none of this automatic indulgence just because you're family and the rest have let you be a sod for the sake of peace and quiet all these years......

Of course you are pulled up - note that i said "rights and responsibilities".

And of course I am not talking about extremes of dangerous, hostile or toxic behaviour.

But grandparents in my opinion have an important role in a child's life and should be afforded more rights than other people. And it seems that a lot of people on here want gps to behave like AN Other individual, and the gps in question end up not being aboe to do right for doing wrong.

MIL - "Here, dil - I brought a casserole so you wouldn't have to cook"

"How dare she suggest that I'm not feeding her precious ds properly - she thinks she's the only person who can make a casserole the way he likes it - she's always criticising my housekeeping"

MIL - "I packed the children's dirty clothes in this bag"

"The old witch might at least have washed and ironed them - she knows how busy I am and she never lifs a finger to help"

How about a 'what not to do' for daughters in law:

Do not insist that your MIL only call to see the children at pre-arranged times and preferably only once a week, while your own mother can drop in any time she likes

Do not expect your MIL to mind your kids for the evening but have to ring you before making any minor decisions - 'Is it okay if he stays up for half an hour past bedtime to see the end of x factor'. 'He's falling asleep on the sofa, is it okay if I pop him into bed without making him clean his teeth?

Do not leave your children with MIL for the afternoon and, immediately upon return, start straightening their clothes and wiping chocolate off their face.

If your MIL suggests buying pantomime tickets for an afternoon that you're not free, this is not evidence of a plot to exclude you from all the fun. It is evidence that she thought 'I'd like to take Ben and Katie to a pantomime. I wonder would Wednesday suit. I'll just ring and check'.

If your MIL offers you a piece of advice, it is not a sign of a monstrous control freak trying to undermine you and take away your parental rights. She reared a family herself once and might just know what she's talking about occasionally and want to help.

If you are a MIL don't look at your DIL up and down when she is heavily pregnant and say 'You can do weightwatchers when you are pregnant, you know'.

Not to me, a good friend.

What swanandduck said.

MIL - please don't force your dil to go shopping 1 wk after having dc2, persuade her to try on and buy an extremely low cut top she and her milk engorged breasts clearly do not appreciate (because it would be something different), and then tell dh that you thought it was a bit tarty but didn't want to hurt dil's feelings.

DIL - Grow some balls!

MIL - Please don't suggest dosing dgc1 (9 months) with calpol because he's wild (interpretation - playful ) and expect dil to happily let him stay alone overnight.

DIL - Don't look at mil as though she is a crazed drug addict just accept things were done differently "back then"

DIL - please don't call mil a crazy foreign nutjob within mil's earshot, she may not be best pleased (this was not me actually but a friend who since swears she doesn't know why mil hates her so much )

Seeker you are absolutely right as well, mils are easy bait, but dc's should be allowed to establish a strong bond with them, its their blood after all and they'll learn so much.

grim - like de-tangling their gc's hair, or taking a baby across the road to meet the neighbours.
Honestly, I have no clue if my MIL ever did that, because it is so trivial.

I am completely with seeker on this one.

Someone I know IRL was outraged recently because when her MIL was babysitting, she had used the wrong terminology for potty training (something like MIL had said "go plop-plop" instead of " number two")... Said she "had a quiet word" with MIL as MIL was leaving. I bet that was a lovely thank you for a day spent dealing with poo free of charge.

Wow. I read this stuff and then am very thankful that my MIL is a lovely, well-balanced, thoughtful woman who doesn't interfere and is always (without fail) supportive, regardless of the situation. She doesn't criticise or make "pointed" comments and is always willing to help out.

My mother is a whole different story, but as she lives abroad, it's not an issue.

I also have a DIL, and I make every effort to be to her the same way my MIL is to me. I will admit to sometimes having to stop and think "oh - did that sound wrong?" when I chat with her, mainly because I don't want to come across as the overbearing MIL. Mostly I just treat her the way I like to be treated. I do think that some of the people on here have a teeny chip on their shoulder about their MILs (some quite rightly, I might add), and probably wouldn't have nearly so much tension if they stopped and gave MIL the benefit of the doubt or weren't so competitive or hung up on one incident that they look at everything the MIL says as confrontational.

Actually, I think that There needs to be a "guide to the MIL / DIL Relationship" Because quite frankly from som of the posts on here there is Thoughtlessness, Missunderstanding, and Pickyness. And its 2 sided from what I can see. Neither party is necessarily whiter than white. There would seem to be some truly unkind MIL's and some very thoughtless DIL's. At some of the posts I'm just !!!

When the DIL has a baby, The relationship between the 2 women changes and its getting the balance of that new relationship right that is difficult. Along with the fact that there are specific do's and don'ts for both, MIL's Shouldn't Take the 1sts away from the DIL ( haircuts, Weaning, etc) DIL's Need to remember that while MIL's won't do things exactly the same, variety for the PFB is actually the spice of life as long as no actual harm is done. Also don't make your MIL feel stupid - different isn't necessarily wrong.

The sad thing is really that most people once there has been a mistake or inadvertant hurt don't actually tell the other how they are feeling and the problems spiral.

The only reason the thread was titled as advice for MIL's is because one day i'm hoping to be 1. I'm already a truly superb DIL, ask my MIL...... Mutual appreciation society!

Well I'm sorry but I'm in the anti-MIL camp (as is DH and its his mother!), she criticises nearly everything we do as parents, from feeding/sleeping/excerise/even hoovering while babies sleep ('they must never be in the same room - ever- it will give them asthma for life')
She tuts, she frowns, she is more or less disgusted as to how we live.
We are a happy family of 5, with pets,good friends, good health, good relationships...and a good sense of humour.
We can mainly laugh it off but sometimes its a bit too much. The latest being her horrified that the DDs have decided to become vegetarian - like me - and it 'shouldn't be allowed'.
This is the woman who moans and sulks when she thinks she hasn't seen us for a while, and when she does come, remains tightlipped, monosyllabic and non plussed when the DCs want to play/share stories/tell her their achivements... its all just depressing really.
Thank God DH is just like his dad and Nothing Like Her!
Ahh. That feels quite good.

LMAO...my OWN mother gives me more jip than my MIL...she does not see the DCs as often as mine..she will take them anytime if shes not working,and I love to stay with her too.. with my mum its like an issue although when she wants them she presumes you have no other plans!!..I never have to pay for anything which is usually the case with my mum..(not saying this is ok..but every single time? for everything including food?)..and yes she has occassionally got on my nerves (mums are all the same) ...but please!...most people on the planet will get on your nerves at sometime...i call her mum because she is a mum in my family and we love and appreciate her

MILs should try to remember what it was like to have a newborn baby and a mother-in-law.

If they can remember, they should realise that their DILs won't like what they didn't like.

If they can't remember, they should have the grace to realise it. And say it.

Whatever the feelings of the mother in law, they are not essential to a good relationship, bonding, routines, security, feeding decisions etc of a new mother and baby.

Whereas the feelings of the mother are. Feelings of insecurity, inadequacy, underconfidence are very very damaging and can trigger or exacerbate or be a part of depression and detachment. If something's got to be sacrificed then it's the MILs feelings.

If the MIL doesn't realise that then she doesn't deserve anybody to be sensitive to her feelings in the first place.

DILs shouldn't be made to feel guilty for not accommodating their MIL if their MIL doesn't make the same accommodation.

"Oh, and it's also important to remember that people do things different ways and there are lots of right ways to do anything."

That's one for the mother in law if ever I saw it.

when visiting your dil and week old dgc, if the midwife pops in, please go into the other fucking room and give your dil some privacy instead of sitting there sipping your tea and smiling gormlessly as the mw asks your dil how her stitches/lochia/bowel movements are.

Thank you StayFrosty, I am not the only mad DiL that this has happened to then. This is exactly what my MiL did. She didn't even leave the room when I had my trousers down for HV to check CS scar.

Unfortunately for me, she got much much worse in the weeks to come. I remember her grabbing my DS from me mid feed because she couldn't watch me do it wrong. WTF!. Calling me a liar when I said DS wasn't well, because he was fine when she saw him 4 days before. Standing over me with a pen and thank you cards that I had to write or people would think I was rude, a week after DS was born and after I'd had a 40 hour induced labour, EMCS and been in hospital for 6 days as they thought DS had caught an infection. Add to that all the other snidey comments about how I fed DS, how I laid him down to sleep, how I dressed him, regularly telling me that I talked rubbish about bringing up babies. and it's no surprise that I am totally bitter and will ban her from coming near me for 2 weeks next time. Harsh, but that's the way it is.

"Of course you are pulled up - note that i said "rights and responsibilities""

But on this particular thread, we are talking about extreme and toxic behaviour here that many women have experienced and many have actually tolerated.

"MILs should try to remember what it was like to have a newborn baby and a mother-in-law"

I had a baby two weeks after my DIL had her baby (our grandson), so I definitely remember. We were pregnant at same time and had some laughs about it. We did have a running bet over who was going to go into labour first, rotten girl beat me! And here I told her I was older, I should get relief first and she was younger and could deal with pregnancy a bit longer. All in fun, though. That was almost 4 years ago, and honestly we've been much too busy dealing with raising our DS (and the DS we just had 6 months ago) to be interfering with DS1 and DIL's raising of DGS. We just enjoy the visits from them and enjoy spoiling DGS when we can.

MILs should not -

• voice dislike of thought of ethnic grandchildren especially when dil is ethnic.

-should not judge and treat dil as inferior from day 1. -- should not tell dil what she can and cannot wear for her wedding dress (i chose and had a traditional white dress).

• should not tel dil (to my face) that she is not important as ds is the greater income earner and therefore his word is law.
• Should not wait 6 weeks to visit dgs and then rush off to get there next day for dsgs.

I could be here all evening. She hasnt been to visit dgs for 2 year yet has the cheek to say she hopes we will make more effort to come to see her.

Mostly MIL should remember that from the day the cord is cut you job is to create an independant adult. You are gaining family not losing it so treat the relationship with the respect that it deserves. You may not like the way they do things but keep your sticky beak out.