in thinking that there should be a "what not to do" Book for MIL's?

[Kitkatqueen]

Ok, so there have been quite a few MIL aibu's lately including the 1st Haircut another memorable one for me was the MIL who gave her grandchild his 1st food while his mum had popped to the shops. Oh!! and the MIL who wanted to "suckle" her grandchild so that she could bond with them.....

Upset was caused, trust was lost, so what is the "line"? what shouldn't MIL's do?

I'm hoping that one day I will be a MIL 4 times over and I would hate to think that I had caused so much upset. So...
What have your MIL's done that they shouldn't iyvho?

stayfrosty and bambino - how on earth should they just "know" that you want them to leave the room. After all you are not going to be discussing anything that is new to them, you have had a baby not a severe medical condition, they too have had babies.

Some of the DIL are so precious about what PIL should or shouldn't be "allowed" to do. Unless it will actually be harming your child or done out of malice then really some people need to just get over it. The problem seems to be that some people think that they are the first people to have ever given birth and therefore they and only they can possibly look after their PFB. There are hundreds of ways of raising a child the vast majority of which are fine unless they are doing some actual harm why not just let the small stuff go.

Don't brush me off with a wave of the hand and a "how difficult can they be I have used terry nappies" when I offer to show you how to use a disposable nappy, then wrap my 4 week old DD in a Pampers desposable change mat because you thought that was a nappy. (She even managed to find a 1970's nappy pin to do it up with Grrrrrrrrr)

I think the book should be based on personality typs. I am pretty easy going and some of the stuff on the MIL threads wouldn't bother me in the slightest.

The MIL's staying in the room for the medical appts for example...I personally would have no issue whatsoever with my MIL being present whilst those checks were done. I wouldnt like FIL to be present...but in the same vein that I wouldnt like any man other than DH present if those sort of questions can be asked.

I think being a MIL is a minefield. I have two DS's and personally plan on going on cruises (as somone else has said) when older. Assuming I have DGC's and DIL's, I will wait to ask to be involved. And if I am not involved, will accept that I have had my turn, raised my DC's - and carry on minding my own.

Ha ha. Mine are generally pretty good BUT did say on first hospital visit:
a. Have you got your figure back DIL
b. You are holding her (dd1) wrong

And on second and subsequent visits to dd1:
'No-one cares for you but me, see mummy doesn't care enough to wipe your nose!

We have had STERN words and everyone is trying very hard now so all much better (most of the time)

Gosh only read the first post and thought this was a light hearted thread. Now we are being heavy, I would say the reason that MIL and I have made things work is for the dds as well as my DH.
And yes I do bite my tongue many, many many times - as I expect she does too!

rofl at the thought of a newborn wrapped in a change mat complete with nappy pin.

I have vented so much in the past re my mil that I shan't go over it all again here, it's just so wearing

I have the PIL from hell, they are pure evil and DH hasn't had anything to do with them for nearly 3 years. I am currently PG with their first GC and they have written to DH saying they would like to get in contact. Don't know how it's going to pan out.

My exMIL on the otherhand was great. Yes she got on my nerves at times but I'm sure I equally got on hers too. I was closer to her than my own mother. I still get on well with her to this day.

I do think that MIL's (and mother's for that matter....certainly mine) have got to remember that when DIL has just had a baby her hormones are all over the place so she is bound to be touchy.

I also think it's all very well to offer advice but I think MIL's (and mothers) need to remember that times change and so do recommendations. I had my first DC 10 years ago and by the time I had my 2nd, 3 years later lots of things had changed. I am now PG with No3 and everything has changed ie babies are now weaned at 6 months whereas when I had my first 2 they were weaned at 16 weeks!!

My own mother is one of these that say.."if I was you I would......." She has also taken quite a few firsts away from me. At Christmas I told her she was a MIL from hell because (to cut a long story short) she fell out with my brother and his GF a while ago. She has since made up with my brother but won't have anything to do with his GF and as a result doesn't see their daughter. At Christmas she wrote my brother a Christmas card and told me she left out GF's name. This was when I told her she was the MIL from hell.

I may be wrong but to me it seems like she is cutting off her nose to spite her face. She may not like the GF but for the sake of being allowed to see her GC surely she should be polite for the sake of peace and harmony.

Havetowearheels pmsl! My mum put the disposable on back to front! My friends dh frequently puts nappy wraps on inside out! But actually using the change mat????? 10/10 for effort!

Yep the thread was supposed to be lighthearted and helpful. hey ho! kkq causes trouble again!

I would say my mum can be a MIL from hell, though my PIL have their toxic moments.

So my advice would be to grandparents (and great-granparents) in general:

• Don't tell your DD that she should leave her DP ('just for a little while') a week after she finds out about an unplanned pregnancy because said DP has had a mini nervous breakdown from stress and bad depression. It will not make you seem like the most considerate of persons, and it's hardly a good way to build a solid relationship on one of the first occasions you meet him. Nor will it encourage him to 'get his act together'. (I mean you, mother.)

• Don't arrive in the delivery suite uninvited (Yes, you again, mum) and then take it upon yourself to send everyone else away.

• Don't possesively clutch at DGS when his other grandparents arrive to see him for the first time because you 'won't see him again for months'. Yes, this is true, we all sympathise, but you chose to live that far away, and they haven't held him at all yet. (Mum again...)

• If your son has depression and has stopped working, don't come round and lay on the 'snap out of it' comments, or keep having alcohol around your house in large quantities, despite being asked by DIL not to as said son has an alcohol problem he is deperately trying to solve.

• Just because you chose not to give your DS sweets until he was five doesn't mean that your DGS being given a milkybar by his uncle is something worth bellowing over - especially when the chocolate bar is already being eaten and the uncle in question is not only there, but probably can't have children himself though he and his wife would love to. It also scares DGS into the bargain.

• Inviting yourself to your DGS's playgroup isn't really on, particularly when you're only going to sit there like a grumpy old man and then drag DGS away at the end so he doesn't get the last fifteen minutes runnig around with the other children and makes DIL and DS feel exceedingly embarassesed because you won't stick around to put the chairs away.

• Fathers out there, it is absolutely the right thing to do to say to your pregnant daughter that everyone will give you conflicting advice, so instead you will simply be there whenever you are needed, and that the most important thing to remember is that every child is different, so most of the advice she will be given ends up irrelevant anyway. Thanks Dad, it made such a difference having at least one grandparent-to-be not overreacting!

• Don't play games with a beachball on the table with DGGS. Yes, the table might have been empty at the time, but later, when all the dinner things are laid out and the toddler in question decides to play his new game again, it becomes less harmless. Try thinking ahead next time - you don't have to live with the consequences. (That one's to my Nan.)

I guess overall I haven't done so badly with my in-laws, but then, my issues with mine stem from how they treat DP, and his rocky relationship with them. I more often feel sorry for DP because I think I have given him a bit of a MIL from hell (when she's there at least). Then again, there is certainly a two-way thing that has to happen - I let my PIL get on with it when they watch my DS; they raised three boys themselves, they know what they're doing. I do get slightly annoyed at FIL's snide remarks about my DS occasionally pushing prams around at playgroup though, and for encouraging him to 'crash' his toy cars when he was playing perfectly peacefully with them until he came along. Why encourage a child to be destructive?

"Some of the DIL are so precious about what PIL should or shouldn't be "allowed" to do. Unless it will actually be harming your child or done out of malice then really some people need to just get over it. The problem seems to be that some people think that they are the first people to have ever given birth and therefore they and only they can possibly look after their PFB. There are hundreds of ways of raising a child the vast majority of which are fine unless they are doing some actual harm why not just let the small stuff go."

Sheesh -- you could replace "dil" with MIL all the way through that and it would apply.

Why not just let the small stuff go? --- TELL THAT TO THE MIL.

After all she's not the hormonal one, under stress, not having any sleep, trying to find her own way and her own confidence, bombarded from all sides by conflicting advice. MIL should back down, every time, every time. They can send dils into depression with their interfering and criticism. And since they've got a new baby to look after (unlike MILs) it matters MORE.

Can someone link me to the recent 1st haircut thread please? My SM took it on herself to cut my DS1's hair for the first time - herself! Would be interested to read about another woman who actaully thinks along the same lines!

Theres 2 instances up thread including a head shave

I think my MIL shouldn't have put DW and I in one room in her house then swapped rooms telling only DW and not me.

I also think MIL should not have sat in bed with her boobs sitting over the top of the quilt like pocket flaps.

The mental scars will disappear gradually but the mental image will never fade...

! words fail me!

Well! ~I promise I won't do that to any future son in laws anyway!

iliveonbenefits that has to be by far teh worst pocket flaps will scar my memory for ever

Londonone, it is not normal to sit univited in the same room whilst your DiL is having her bits checked. It strikes me as the same as going into a doctors appointment uninvited - intrusive. I should have told her to leave the room. I didn't - probably lost for words.

Stop telling us to potty train DS when he is quite obviously not ready and then when we do potty train and it doesn't work immediately say, "well do you think it would have been more sensible to wait!"

Totally agree with all of above, and would also add...

1. MILS should not come to your house to look after baby having hinted and nagged for months during your mat leave, then by 11am insist that an 8 month old watches telly for an hour because 'Grandma got up at 5.30 to look after you and she's tired' She's not the only one, try working full time with a kid who doesn't sleep through the night until she's 13 months. And she could have got up at 8 am, she only lives 3 miles away and she didn't need to be here until 830 FFS.

1. MILS should not decide that, because you are on mat leave and have produced a baby, you are: Their property and have nothing better to do so dropping round, any time, any day - in fact all day, every day, is not actually welcome and you would like some time to get to grips with BFeeding and coping with stitches. Alone.

3, MILS shold not constantly compare your beautiful perfect daughter with her cousins who whilst may not be as advanced in development or as physically attractive, all this behaviour does is create an expectation that the same unfavourable comparison goes on in their house just the other way round

1. MILS should respect the fact that their sons have their own family and their own houses to run, full time jobs to do etc and are NOT under any circumstances a replacement for FIL who has sadly passed on.

1. MILS should shut the F up and stop trynig to make everything about themselves i.e. My gorgeous and much-loved little girl does NOT look like my FIL OR her auntie - she looks like me and her father. That's genes for you - and BTW there are photos to prove it so just SHUT UP and stop trying to relive your life through her!! Or me.

FFS. I dread to think I will be like this one day. It's surely not all about me, and i have worked - very hard - at a proper career my whole life so hopefully i will continue to gain some sense of perspective ...?!?!

How can you 'insist' that an 8 month old watches telly??

Also, why is noting a resemblance to her late husband or sister making it 'all about herself'? Babies often look like lots of different relatives? I think my daughter is the image of my Mum. My MIL has pictures of my SIL as a child and you can also see a resemblance there.

I love my MIL very much but she has her funny ways.

MIL please don't tell your DIL and DS NOT to have a baby because YOU are not ready for us to have one. Or when we do become pregnant and someone calls you 'Grandma' look at them as if they just tried to murder you with an axe. Or through the whole 9 months of pregnancy pretend as if nothing is happening and not buy one single thing for your first grandchild. You are in your 50's now love, it was bound to happen at some point!

she definitely has her quirky ways but she adores her DGS now and I don't even get much of a look in when we go and visit them.

Don't constantly say how tired DS must be, how he needs a holiday & how awful it must be to have to go to work and not stay at home with the children.

Especially not when FIL has retired early and you have just returned from your 10th holiday this year (South Africa this time).

Don't try to justify it by saying 'I know you are at home with 3 children under 4, have no help and have been very ill - but I have done my bit and now I am having my fun'.

There's fun and there's flaunting it.

Whilst I am on the subject...Don't keep saying 'it gets much worse when they get older - just wait until they are teenagers'.

swanandduck: every single child born to my siblings (2 sisters) has looked like my little sister (when she was 3 years old). it's uncannily spooky. they obviously change as they grow older, but there's a stage they go through "oh that's DLilS in that nursery photo!"

i will prob not get to have a MIL, as OH's mum is very old now. my own mum can be a total nightmare, though, but that's just because she doesn't know when to stop talking She is lovely,though, and i know that she was incredibly supportive of my sisters when they had babies - passing on the rigth amount of advice, asking the right questions and respecting their decisions (and following them through if they affected her)
my ex's mum was very controlling, though. always with the best intentions, but very interfering. that's not to say i didn't like her, but she was a bit overbearing.
(i would probably not have a problem telling her so, esp if i were hormonal and sleep-deprived )

I've got a soft spot for my mil - the boggy bit down the garden