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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

in thinking that there should be a "what not to do" Book for MIL's?

226 replies

Kitkatqueen · 16/02/2010 23:54

Ok, so there have been quite a few MIL aibu's lately including the 1st Haircut another memorable one for me was the MIL who gave her grandchild his 1st food while his mum had popped to the shops. Oh!! and the MIL who wanted to "suckle" her grandchild so that she could bond with them.....

Upset was caused, trust was lost, so what is the "line"? what shouldn't MIL's do?

I'm hoping that one day I will be a MIL 4 times over and I would hate to think that I had caused so much upset. So...
What have your MIL's done that they shouldn't iyvho?

OP posts:
WhoIsAsking · 17/02/2010 09:52

EX in laws!

ButterPie · 17/02/2010 09:53

My MIL doesn't do this, she is actually brilliant, but EVERYONE else in my family seems to.

Don't ask a 2 year old if she wants to come and play with toys and eat sweeties at your house instead of going home with mummy without checking with mummy first. Of course the two year old will say yes, and Mummy might have made plans which will be made a lot harder with a moaning child who was told toys and sweeties were on offer and not a doctors appointment or whatever.

Also, if a child is not allowed to have any more snacks for whatever reason, that does NOT mean you can then give them the entire fruit bowl to eat. Especially not if you are then going to hand them back to go and have horrific poos all over their own house.

Also, I know DD1 probably does want to go to your house, because you can give your full attention to her and she gets endless treats, but if I am looking tired and vulnerable, don't then tell me how much DD1 cried when told she had to come back to me. Just don't mention it.

Holding a baby with a seatbelt round both of you is NOT the same as a car seat.

My entire family are brilliant, but certain members wind me up a bit

Shodan · 17/02/2010 09:54

My in-laws actually ARE lovely- but I haven't always felt so. Beofre ds2 was born I worried terribly about how interfering my MIL would be. And after he was born I found myself getting uptight about visits etc.

Then I learned to let go a bit and let my MIL 'in', if you like. Now we have a great relationship. In fact, I see them more than DH does- they babysit every week and always stay for a gossip afterwards.

So the advice I would give MILs is:- give your DIL time. Always respect her wishes. Don't butt in.

And DILs- don't be so quick to judge your MIL. Sometimes they're just human/enthusiastic/interested. They might accidentally say something you go about.

Coldhands · 17/02/2010 09:55

Actually I have one that comes from my nan, not my MIL.

Please do not say "don't you think you should be.......weaning/potty training etc" then when the reply is, DS is only 3/18 months and not ready and you are waiting until DS is ready etc, don't constantly dismiss all 'official' advice as rubbish and all 'experts' don't know what they are talking about, and you always know as all your DCs were weaned at 3 months/potty trained by 2 with you pulling down their trousers/catching their wee. This is not potty training IMO.

Ok, I don't follow all the guidlines, but some stuff (like potty training when they are ready) makes sense to me. Why can't older people grasp that things change!!

ButterPie · 17/02/2010 09:57

Oh, my ILs are actually great. I go round for a brew most days at some point and don't know what I would do without them. They (esp FIL) can get a little irritating at times though

southeastastra · 17/02/2010 09:58

having 2 sons i am dreading becoming a mil from some of the threads on here. think i'll just ignore my gc and go on world cruises.

StealthPolarBear · 17/02/2010 09:59

mine are too, which is why the little things bother me. lucky, i know,

bronze · 17/02/2010 10:05

Me too SEA (3)
I know my mil has moments of winding me up but shes a nice person and just like everyone I know has moments of winding me up I realise theyre not perfect and just let it go. (maybe after a small rant at the time)

And yes she does do things differently to me but I set no rules. The children just have to learn things are done in different ways depending on where you are and who you are with.

Druidmama · 17/02/2010 10:11

My FIL is great, my MIL is sometimes lovely, sometimes just odd...

So my advice to MILs would be, if your DIL is talking about something you've never heard of (BLW for example) ask her about it, or google it.

Vegetarians are not that scary.

Pleeeeeease make sure that hevy brass fire grates are actually attached...much screaming and blood from the baby, and apologise if you thought it was but were wrong!

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight · 17/02/2010 10:14

My MIL is pretty much perfect I have to say. Plus she lives hundreds of miles away and has another DGS living with her that she looks after 6 days a week so her maternal impulses are sated.

My advice to her and any other MIL tho is... do not tell DIL off when she is disciplining her DS for pushing/biting/smacking his cousin, and preferably do not laugh when he does something naughty! I know it comes from love but DH was horribly indulged and I dont want DS to grow up the same way! Thankfully its only for short burts so I can rectify the bad habits later...

Sidge · 17/02/2010 10:23

Well most MILS can't be all bad - after all, you've shacked up and had a baby with her son so she must have got something right.

BertieBotts · 17/02/2010 10:40

There does have to be a balance! MILs need to respect the parent's wishes, but parents of PFBs need to relax too. Fruit shoots might not be great but if they are over the age of about 1 or 2 and they are not having them all the time, it's not that big a deal. OTOH feeding a 3 month old some custard etc off your finger is not acceptable if the parents have decided not to wean yet.

sockmonkey · 17/02/2010 10:43

MIL... when asked by a friend what you think of your newest grandchild, don't make a "meh" face and wander off. It will be reported back and make your DIL cry, especially as you have refused to hold baby too.

MrsSchadenfreude · 17/02/2010 10:59

Never start a sentence with:

"What you ought to do is..."

"If I were you I would..."

You're not me. So fuck off.

(This is my mother by the way. My MIL is lovely.)

DuelingFanjo · 17/02/2010 11:03

Never say, as mine did yesterday, 'I was going to do some housework for you'

StealthPolarBear · 17/02/2010 11:03

MrsS - I get "You must" and "You mustn't"!

Sparkletastic · 17/02/2010 11:06

Don't forget to feed the DCs lunch as you were 'so busy cleaning your filthy conservatory windows for you'

TheSmallClanger · 17/02/2010 11:09

Get people's names right. My MIL is an angel, really, and I know she does this to everyone, but please, make an effort to remember your DIL's name first time, and don't use an alternative short version that she doesn't. This should work both ways, really.

Kathyjelly · 17/02/2010 11:13

Go for it Kitkat, anything that helps will be worth it. Call the book "It's not your baby".

My hackles are rising even now and I haven't spoken to my MIL for more than a year. She used to live near us. The worst thing she did was pop round & take my pfb who was asleep in his buggy, for a stroll round the village for two hours without telling me. I came out of the loo and he was gone.

I'm glad to say we've moved.

scratchet · 17/02/2010 11:59

MIL - Don't call unannounced 5/6 times a week always at tea time. Whilst you are here, shut up about yourself and pay your grandchildren some attention. The world and its wife does not revolve around you. When attending a party at our home, do not get rat arsed, snog dh's mate then throw up in my garden. It is unacceptable.

FIL - Do not think you are some kind of stud and talk about imaginary girls that chat you up. You are old, bald and ugly. Do not turn up at my wedding party with 2 uninvited guests and a large bag of cocaine in your pocket. You are not cool. You are a twat.

seeker · 17/02/2010 12:03

Remember that if you are going to talk about earlly potty training it's now called something like 'elimination communication' and is incredibly trendy. But it's no use you mentioning it because if you do you will be wrong. If the yummy mummy down the road mentions it she's on the cutting edge of childcare. Remember to have your off switch fitted so that you can be put into suspended animation til you are called on to provide strictly controlled baby sitting.

pranma · 17/02/2010 12:09

Do not say as my MIL did on her visit when dc2 was born,"ooh I do like a really messy house to get my teeth into" and proceed to reorder cupboards,drawers etc finishing up be putting some of dd's NEW baby clothes into a bin bag saying,"she will ever wear these I'll pass them on to our A for her baby".I actually liked her quite a lot she was just a bit.......forceful.

pranma · 17/02/2010 12:13

that should read 'never wear'and 'by putting'

MorrisZapp · 17/02/2010 12:26

I don't get it.

Surely MILS are just women who happen to have grandshildren. Statistically, they must have as many daughters as sons, so these bossy harpies must be just the same with their daughters as their daughters in law, but we don't hear about how awful the nation's mothers are, cos, like, that's my mum you're talking about.

Personally I think sexism plays a big part, essentially society encourages women to compete against each other to be the 'top bird', and many women feel threatened by the fact their DH has other important women in his life.

I just don't get why a) people expect so much from the inlaw relationship, b) why they blame the inlaws when so often it's the DH that has screwed up plans or not spoken out etc, and c) how these people will cope when their own treasured sons grow up and dare to form deep attachments to other women.

MamaVoo · 17/02/2010 13:06

I hope if I ever do become an overbearing MIL that DH will whisper to DIL "just ignore her - I've had 35 years of it" as his lovely dad did to me

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