Have not read every post but most of them - and I think seekers and Morriszapp (near the beginning) made excellent posts and piscesmoon as usual is coming across as rational and with an ability to see both sides of the "problem"
I post as a MIL of 3 dils and several grandchildren! I think it's a shame no one responded to MorrisZapp's post (i think on first page) because to me that hit the nail on the head. She makes the point that MILs are by definition also likely to be mothers of daughters as well as sons and we don't hear on MN daughters criticising their mothers in the way they do MILs. I know there are some exceptions to this but in the main it seems to be the MIL/DIL r.ship that is fraught. Neither do we hear much about men and their MILs.
I think the underlying problemn as MZ says is this tension and conflict between 2 women who are (maybe nor consciously) fighting for their position in the family. There is so much room for misunderstanding and misinterpretation in this r/ship, and this is evident in so many of the "she says/does, doesn't do" etc etc. Some MILs sound pretty dreadful but it is a 2 way street and we only hear the DILs version on here, well mostly that is the case.
I try hard to be a good MIL as my MIL was a good hearted woman but was interfering when I wasa young monther with my first son, and I made a pact with myself there and then that I would never interfere and I have kept that promise. In any event all my DILs are very competent mothers and child rearing has changed so much in 40 years. A lot of the MILs on here seem to want to hark back to their own child rearing ways and inflict this on the DIls which clearly causes irritation and resentment.
However I would say that as a Paternal GP you are not always seen as important as the Maternal GP and this isn't entirely fair. It is understandable as I recall wanting my own mother around when my babies were small, rather than my MIL but I see now that wasn't really fair. Seeker you make excellent points about both sets of GPs being important for a child, who has the right to have r.ships with his/her extended family.
Sometimes when I read these DIL posts I wonder to myself what the MIL point of view would be and of course we never hear that on MN. I just feel it is sad that this troubled r.ship continues and probably always will, as it involves 2 women loving the same man, albeit in different ways.
One thing I do know and young mothers won't know this (I certainly didn't) is the intense feeling sof love you have for your little boys will not really change in its intensity over the years and you will still want to protect him when he's 40! No matter how much you realise this is ridiculous and how hard you will try (as a good MIL) to hide this feeling, it is there honestly. I think some MILs can't hide it and it gets played out in other ways and naturally upsets the DIL and hence the "fight" over one man continues and the r.ship degenerates further and further.
Also when GC come along, it awakens in the GM allthe feelings that she had for her own baby and she sort of wants to re-live it all. If we as GPs are sensitive and aware of this and take care not to show this by being overbearing then all is well, but I think for many MILs described here, they are not able to do this and again it gets played out with the DIL and GC and causes resentment. It helps having good women friends who are also MILs and Pat GPs to whom one can confide.
I am fortunate enough to have 2 lovely dils and one who is nice enough but I have to tread a little carefully with her, which I do. All 3 make my sons very happy and what mother could ask for anything more.
Sorry I've probably said enough!