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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

in thinking that there should be a "what not to do" Book for MIL's?

226 replies

Kitkatqueen · 16/02/2010 23:54

Ok, so there have been quite a few MIL aibu's lately including the 1st Haircut another memorable one for me was the MIL who gave her grandchild his 1st food while his mum had popped to the shops. Oh!! and the MIL who wanted to "suckle" her grandchild so that she could bond with them.....

Upset was caused, trust was lost, so what is the "line"? what shouldn't MIL's do?

I'm hoping that one day I will be a MIL 4 times over and I would hate to think that I had caused so much upset. So...
What have your MIL's done that they shouldn't iyvho?

OP posts:
TabithaTwitchet · 17/02/2010 13:38

Things that annoy me:

Telling DD she is "being very naughty" and "can't have pudding". I am always saying "please don't just say she is naughty, TELL her what it is she is doing wrong, and ask her nicely to stop" And DH and I are arbiters of whether DD has pudding or not, and I would only even consider withholding it for absolutely terrible, prolonged and deliberate misbehaviour (has never happened)

Gasping and saying "oh no, why have you done that to her hair/ dressed her like a boy etc"

Addressing criticism about me to DD instead ie "mummy has dressed you in silly boy's clothes today, hasn't she."

Telling DD she is naughty for not sitting on the potty

And most her recent, which had me fuming, after DD had asked to sit on the toilet at MIL's house (we aren't properly potty training yet, but she sometimes asks to go) and DD had an accident just after I had removed her nappy while I was actually lifting her onto the toilet and needed a change of clothes, MIL asked when we came downstairs "why have you changed her clothes?" - so I answered neutrally, oh they got a bit wet - MIL: "why, why did they get wet, what happened?" FFS what do you think happened? OK she's only 2, but why should I humiliate her by reporting what happened, you can guess, just let it go

ANd breathe...

Rhian82 · 17/02/2010 13:54

Do not ring Every Single Week at DS's bedtime, having been told Every Single Week that that is DS's bedtime, just because it fits in with your soaps.

Apart from that, she's the most wonderful MiL in the world. Never criticises, would never do anything with DS without my okay, and always does lots of washing up when she's around without implying that we're lazy for leaving it so long.

shockers · 17/02/2010 14:07

I have had two wonderful MILs . My mum is a PITA at times though!

AreAnyNamesAvailable · 17/02/2010 14:16

I think that you are at your most sensitive after a baby so a MIL who did not bug you before can now drive you nuts. Other people may make similar comments but coming from someone so close they can really grate.

Also, I think the reason girls do not have such issues with their own mums is because I can tell my mum to mind her own business/not visit for a few days/not call after 10pm quite forcefully and she will not take offence (or if she does, she doesn't show it). It is very hard to tell your MIL to butt out and DH will never do it.

My poor MIL asked the other day how DS had slept. I answered he woke once for a feed and had a bit of trouble getting back to sleep. She said, 'Oooh, that's not great is it', probably meaning that poor me would be tired. She got a very emotional response about how the poor little mite is only a few months old and is doing brilliantly and I don't want him criticised... despite saying to DS at 4am, 'Why will this bloody baby not go to sleep!!!'. No win situation.

SnotBaby · 17/02/2010 14:22

My MIL is lovely, perhaps we could take a leaf out of her book...

If DIL is upset, listen patiently and then tell her she is doing really well.

Rarely advice or anecdotes about the time something similar happened to you, but give honest advice if asked. Also be bug enough to say "I'm not sure what to do for the best, what do your instincts tell you?"

Always have something nice to say about how the DCs are being cared for

Wait to be offered a cuddle with newborns and then look thrilled to bits and say a heartfelt "Thank you"

I could go on and on... I've really lucked out, haven't I?Then again Iattu to be a thoughtful DIL and try to make sure DH and the DCs get time with MIL without me there trying to run the show. I am also enormously grateful for any babysitting, and only issue instructions if the DC need any medication.

SnotBaby · 17/02/2010 14:24

Iattu = I try to (damned predictive text)

SnotBaby · 17/02/2010 14:28

In fact just put my last post in the bin for spelling and comprehension. (DS has just learned to swat the keypad!)

jellybeans · 17/02/2010 15:27

Don't make it clear you just want the baby and your son with no interest in the DIL

Osmama · 17/02/2010 15:50

If you are not accorded the respect that is due to you, take matters into your own hands.
For instance, if there is a seating plan at your grand-child's christening and you have not been placed between your grand-children take that seat any way as it surely must be an error. After all, the mother can sit next to the children any day...

It will be interesting to see if more balance can be achieved once a lot of Mumsnetters have become MILs themselves. Until then the best I can do is to ask myself how my potential AIBU postings would sound told from her point of view.

Have to admit, though, that I have now begun to make my peace with in-laws tendency to take over every time they see their grand-children. I have realized that I will not be able to change them and will make my life a lot easier by not getting annoyed/upset. I just let them get on with it and relax myself. (I don't ever get to sit next to my children when their GPs are around - but why not let somebody else wipe the yoghurt of them for a change.)

Sassybeast · 17/02/2010 15:57

Don't think that you are going to damage my kids in the way that you damaged your own. I think you've got the message now and life is so much sweeter with you not in it .

Jamieandhismagictorch · 17/02/2010 16:16

Hear hear Morris, Sexism, and a bit of ageism too.

Disclaimer : has 2 sons (and realises that some people do have PIL that are a nightmare, but then we hear less about the FIl, don't we ?)

Rejessta · 17/02/2010 16:21

My poor MIL has me for a DIL. I believe we are pack animals and will always try to establish a pecking order which is why I make damn sure that everybody I meet understands that I am the Alpha-Bitch and they can roll over on their backs and piddle themselves in submission. Crude, I know, but why should we take guff from anybody? The outcome is the my IL are sweetness and light, though I know my MIL warned my DH that I was "horrible and controlling" before we got married. He laughed and said he'd grown to love those facets in a women...

cyteen · 17/02/2010 16:27

SnotBaby, we are MIL twins. Mine is fantastic, absolutely brilliant and a great role model for me as well as the DC. She also doesn't mind if I fall asleep on the settee when hungover

Original poster
Kitkatqueen · 17/02/2010 19:05

bump.....

OP posts:
Coldhands · 17/02/2010 19:12

This is for both PIL.

Please don't come into my home and tell DS off for something he is actually allowed to do. And if we are at your house and me and DH are telling DS off, please don't both jump in telling DS how 'bad' he is. It doesn't take 4 adults to tell him off, and what he did wasn't actually that bad, and don't lean over a baby on the floor with a boiling hot cup of tea, at any time, but even more so when you have parkinsons (the last one is for FIL as someone mentioned they don't get mentioned ).

underactivethyroidmum · 17/02/2010 19:18

For MIL - please do not tell your impressionable body shape obsessed DGD she is 'chubby' but not to worry as her mummy is chunky and she's still found herself a good husband - especially when all you feed her is processed shit

shonaspurtle · 17/02/2010 19:29

Oh you cannae shove your granny off a bus
Oh you cannae shove your granny off a bus
Oh you cannae shove your granny
Cos she's your mammy's mammy
Oh you cannae shove your granny off a bus

You can shove your other granny off a bus
You can shove your other granny off a bus
You can shove your other granny
Cos she's your daddy's mammy
You can shove your other granny off a bus

Written by a DIL?

chaostrulyreigns · 17/02/2010 19:30

Rejessta ROFL at your DH.

Classic.

not4anotherday · 17/02/2010 19:58

FIL - Don't do DIY on our house when we are not there - without our permission and balls it up.

MIL& FIL - Don't tell my DC how good there are when they are being told off by me or DH

MIL - Don't tell me how to cook, all you eat are ready meals

MIL - Don't say I was going to do the housework, ironing etc .... why did'nt you?

Don't make a cats arse face when you don't agree with me (most of the time)

Charliemouse500 · 17/02/2010 20:02

FIL's can be just as bad!! Don't ask your DIL (who is barely holding it together less than a month after a MC at 12 weeks) if you have 'gotten over your little mishap yet?'

I included this for balance

flaime · 17/02/2010 20:14

MIL - don't buy overpriced and somewhat scary dolls, plates and other tat from the back of magazines for DGD1. They will stay in a box until she leaves home in her 20s and probably never see the light of day.

Even worse is to spend several hundred pounds on the above, and then not buy anything for DGD2 and DGS so they grow up feeling like you didn't love them as much.

Don't spend most of the visit talking about how wonderful your other grand daughter is despite being 30yrs old and still living at home never ever having had a job. Well she doesn't need one as she helps her perfectly healthy abled bodied parents around the house instead?

Don't then ring up SIL for 2 hrs raving on about how wonderful our dear kids are as this will cause SIL to be so jealous that her DD isn't the only one granny loves resulting in SIL losing the plot and never speaking to DH again!

Wow, this is really theraputic

PrincessFiorimonde · 18/02/2010 00:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

petunia · 18/02/2010 08:01

Princess Fiorimonde; that's a nice post and you sound like a wonderful MIL (could you swop and become my MIL!?)

To my MIL and FIL- don't throw tantrums to get your own way or accuse your DIL of 'splitting up the family', give her abuse over the phone, ignore her in photos or when she visits, (especially don't have her sit for hours by herself while you sit with your Son and grandchildren in another room.) Don't visit your DIL's house and criticise the pictures on the walls, your DILs driving and shout abuse at her, while she's holding your only grandchild. And don't, after carrying out all the above behaviour, then expect her to carry on as if nothing had happened, without a word of apology. As a result of this behaviour, it's coming back to bite you now, which is why you see the only grandchildren you've got, once a year now.

seeker · 18/02/2010 08:32

There is also the bizarre phenomenon of a simple remark like "It's a lovely sunny day today" suddenly becoming imbued with hidden and sinister meaning when uttered by a mil to a dil "Why is she saying that? How dare she suggest that my child is wearing too many clothes!!! And I'll take the baby to the beach when I want to, thank you very much, not when MIL thinks it's the right time. How dare she try to control my life? And dp just sits there smiling - he can't see how controlling and manipulative she is!!!!"

traceybath · 18/02/2010 08:39

I'm with you seeker.

I do really worry about becoming a mil as have 2 ds's.

Its weird - like the old les dawson jokes in reverse.

Of course there are some awful mils but I do think they're in the minority.

I frequently hear and see some pretty dreadful dils.