in thinking that there should be a "what not to do" Book for MIL's?

[Kitkatqueen]

Ok, so there have been quite a few MIL aibu's lately including the 1st Haircut another memorable one for me was the MIL who gave her grandchild his 1st food while his mum had popped to the shops. Oh!! and the MIL who wanted to "suckle" her grandchild so that she could bond with them.....

Upset was caused, trust was lost, so what is the "line"? what shouldn't MIL's do?

I'm hoping that one day I will be a MIL 4 times over and I would hate to think that I had caused so much upset. So...
What have your MIL's done that they shouldn't iyvho?

Do not leave house with my child without asking me leaving me in blind fury/panic

Cry and sob and tell dp he has broken your heart when he announces your engagement then never mention it until 2 years later when competing with your sister

Do not pretend dp was never naughty and only had to be told off once!

However thats coupled with her desire to ensure we are all ok and happy and would do anything for us. I could do a similar list all about my mum but at least with my mum I'm more comfortable telling her how I feel about her comments.

PrincessFiorimonde, you do indeed sound lovely, and I too would like you for a MIL!

Unfortunately, I echo what Sassy has said about hers.

A true test of the BU or NBU-ness of MILs (and DILs) would be if all those threads telling tales of woe and familial trauma were couched in such a way as to not mention the fact that we were talking about MILs.

I give my example to the pro-MIL faction

"So, I was introduced to this old lady....she seemed very nice, gave me a cup of coffee, showed me all the photos of her children, invited me for lunch, which I accepted.....A few weeks later, can you imagine my horror when I discovered that this said old lady had got on a bus, gone to the school where I was teaching, asked to see the head, and told the head that I was a no better than I ought to be tart (prostitute was the exact word she used) very possibly on drugs and was trying to wheedle my way into her family in order to make off with the silver, and as such, surely the head could see I was really not the kind of person she should have in her school influencing impressionable youngsters. I later discovered (many years later, in fact) that during the same period, she had been to the apartment block where I lived, knocked on the doors of all my neighbours and told them the same"

AIBU to think this woman is a psychotic witch and I'm better off without her in my life?

Y'see, it's nothing to do with being MILs, it's to do with being decent human beings. Some MILs (and DILs) are, some aren't. QED.

(same woman, when told we were going to have a passport done for dd in order to take her to the UK to visit the other half of her family (for yes, I did foolishly forgive the prostitution thing) told me "this baby is Italian, and stays here. If your family want to see her, they can get on a plane". That was 6 yrs and 3 mths ago. I haven't seen MIL since that day.) U? Moi? So be it.

MillyR - whats the GIL in your first post?

tSome of these MILs definately need a manual!

that said in their defense some DILs can be overly defensive (perhaps because they can't take any criticism)

My friend's MIL suggested the DGD watched to much telly. My mate had a fit....her kids watch tv for hours and hours they often watch 3 or 4 films in a day.

my friend no longer lets MIL see them. (the upshot of whichp is they watch even more TV as MIL used to take them to playgroups twice a week)

SSD

GIL might be Grandparent in law?

LOL, mate & I were discussing writing this very book recently ... but I think it needs to cover both perspectives - ie how to be a great MIL/DIL. I know there are nutters out there, but I think the MIL/DIL relationship doesn't usually have to be fraught.

My MIL is wonderful. Supportive, gives constant praise about how fabulous my kids are; is very honest about her own shortcomings as a mum (she is a fabulous mum, but it made me feel better when ds was a small, sleep-refuser). And she helps out without ever implying that I'm a slattern. Which I am, and she isn't.

There are still things that wind me up - but that's because her family do things differently to mine. She is much 'better' at listening to me & obeying my rules than my own mum - but my mum has influenced my parenting norms more, so is much less likely to do things I disagree with. EG I would trust my mum to be pretty strict around food when the kids were little (as I was) - I know my MIL would be desperate to watch them eat chocolate. She controlled herself, but she had to work at it.

Over the years, I have relaxed more, and I think that one of the 'prices' of a good MIL is being able to let them have their way, even if it disagrees with your 'rules', with grace and enjoyment. And to be scrupulously fair about GPs on both sides.

I have only one:

Do not leave your Grandchildren home alone and then laugh when your son tells you it is unacceptable, and then cry and tell all the family that we are being 'hurtful' when we ask you to promise it will not happen again.

Oh soverymuch PMSL

I shal;lcut it short though and just out thelast incident-

don'ttell yourDS that he must nevercontact you again because he is so awful(for whcih read didn'tfind solution to last game you set him up in- refusing to apsson details on family funeral then not turning up because heerm didn't have details!), then tell entire family that he is keping his grandchildren from you (wellwewere but only after she toldalie that FIL had hit her to our then 5 year old,andcalled him a freak thinking I couldn't hear) and that we refused to take calls.

To shorten it, don't be a friggin PITA with an agenda stemming from the fact that you wanted said son to stay home, buy the house from you and allow you to upgrade to a bungalow without having to pass house outside family,and that you wanted said so to be your companion as you aged without him having ties, and that when FIL left she expected him toleave us and pay hermiortgage and care for her.

Ishoos?moi?LOL
Actually i've tried to broker a reconciliation as dh is her son after all, but that seemed totrigger a moredefinite attempt to paint us as black and it's DH who made the call to not see her again.

Oh and I think being a goodMIL hinges on what you expect from paenthood.

DH could never match her expectations,and as such it was doomed tofailure.

We haveSn amongst our boys (hence thefreak comment) but of those that do marry, I expect them toput their famillies first and indeed would be annoyed if they did not.My expectation are limited to regularcontact andcahts, the rest would be a very welcome indeed bonus.

deepdarkwood very good post
seeker I agree

I see posts all the time where I think actually why dont you as the dil just relax a little. Ok there are hellish pil but the amount talked about seem to be disproportionate to the amount of decent kind people out there

Dh amde the decision to back off himself- I would never,ever ask hiom not to talk to his Mum,I just couldn't.

however yes- it depends on who theya re as people: MIL has a history of walking from feud tofeud, it is who she seems to be. I don't get it but there you go.

Absolutely most MIL'sare fine but I think on MN it is a safespace to vent, then you can treturn to RL,smile and get on with making do.It'sfairly obvious after all that when you don't get to chooseyour inlaws, a lot of it will be making do.

my Mum is of course aMIL and gets on well with DH: her motto is don't interfere and keep your thoughts to yourself.Seems fair advice.

Princess Fiorimonde- No my DH doesn't back me up at all. He actually told me 3 years ago (after 12 years of putting up with his parents behaviour and doing it for his sake), that, 'husbands and wives don't stick up for each other if it's going to upset family.' That's when/why I quit visiting his parents, won't ever visit again and have nothing to do with their annual visit to us (which thank goodness, only lasts a few hours.) But because I'm not 'sucking up' their behaviour anymore, his mother now takes it out on me in the only way she's got left; that is by giving everyone else nice Christmas presents and giving me...well, Christmas 2008 it was nothing and 2009, it was a badly-wrapped shower puff that had been sitting in one of her cupboards, possibly for years (you could tell by the smell of it!) I thanked her graciously for it because I'm not going to do what she wants, and 'go off on one' and prove what she thinks, that I'm a horrible person.

I do recognise that the vast majority of ILs are nice (both my Grandparents were) with the odd disagreement along the way. I know my parents had the 'odd run-in' with their ILs, just like I have the 'odd run-in' with my parents now. For most IL relationships, I think it is a question of 'give and take' combined with 'not sweating the small stuff', with great amounts of respect on both sides. With my ILs, it's 'their way or the highway', don't you dare bring up their faults or air any problems because they have no faults -it's everyone else who's at fault, never them. And if DH were to bring something up that they've done, they'd throw the mother of all hissy fits, just like they've done that their whole lives. It isn't a very 'adult' relationship to have with ones' parents and I do regard my ILs as bullies, with the behaviour of 3 year olds, stuck in 70/80 year old bodies.

'With my ILs, it's 'their way or the highway', ' like petunia said. My MIL is exactly the same. We get on now after 10 years of her trying to take us all over as we never gave in to her demands. I think some of these toxic MIL's make it clear they just want their son and the grandbabies and treat DIL like a brood mare. That was like mine.

She did her best to split us up and try to make me abort DD1 but then after DD was born she snatched her away, did the 'my baby' thing while treating me like shit, her way or the highway for everything, wanted to be there every day etc etc. Smothering. Surely she should have realised that to be 'closer' to her grandkids she should try to get on with their mum? (and not try to take over and criticise).

When I am MIL I know I will never be like her.

I think one of the things that can make the in-law relationship difficult is when the families of the two partners are quite different, so that there is something like a culture clash and everybody needs (to be given the time and space) to get to grips with the fact that there is more than one valid way of doing things.

Of course that would presuppose that everybody is willing to get to grips with this. Reading about some MILs on here really puts things into perspective.

If I am honest I am pretty sure that the same things which make me a "difficult" DIL will make me an annoying MIL when my time comes - namely a strong preferences for having things done my way. But I hope that I will always have the sense to put my children first and see that it will not exactly promote their happiness if I make their partners' lives a misery.

My own mum went to a phase when she kept criticizing my DH to me and that really brought it home to me how destructive that sort of behaviour can be. Fortunately she has stopped now before I had to tell her that he is the man I have chosen to spend my life with and that she is not doing my any favours by trying to open my eyes to his faults drive a wedge between us.

Osmama- '....and see that it will not exactly promote their happiness if I make their partners' lives a misery.'

This is the thing that my and other nasty ILs don't 'get'. They don't see gaining a SonIL or a DIL as, "It's wonderful that my Son/daughter has found a partner and is happy." No, they think of it as, "This person is taking something away from me and I'm going to fight tooth and nail to....(make sure I'm put first/ punish him/her / drive that person away.)"

Petunia - I know and it's so sad.
Especially for the grandchildren when they are really too young to understand.

[vows to moan less about own MIL in future]

Okay, not inlaws specifiacally but the older generation.
Upon greeting your daughter who gave birth three days ago and whose milk has just come in DO NOT; give them a very tight cuddle, wobble their tummy and then say "bloody hell LoubieLou, I thought you'd had this baby"

My MIL said to DH that she and DH were 'the family' and me and DH kids were DH 'extended family'. She still felt she should be number one in DH life even when we were married and had children and I think this is common as mentioned above they see themselves as loosing a child (MIL told DH she was 'on tablets' to cope with him leaving and getting me pregnant). The irony is that she divorced DH dad and didn't let him see his dad or paternal GPs yet she, as a paternal GP, expected heavy involvement. My MIL also said that as DH is an only child, and my mum has other children, she should see far more of us.

I also find the excessive anti MIL thing a bit strange - especially as many of the examples given are not exactly crisis situations. Frankly, my MIL irritates me intensely at times and I do like to have a little vent here or in RL, but broadly, she's not a bad person and she means well and I hope I can bear that in mind for the next 20 years or so.

And I believe that children have to learn that not everyone does it their way. In fact, that's something DH never learnt from his family because his mother was so controlling and he's now having to learn it all from scratch, "no darling, not everyone thinks it's okay to invite complete strangers to the wedding and not tell the bride and groom".

Having said that, some of these stories really are just

Older generation in general: If staying at your grown-up child's house you are still a guest even though you may be family.
That does not mean you should treat the place, like a hotel either.
Never assume that you do not cause extra work - only you think you "will eat anything".
If you are staying longer than two days, make sure you are not at the house constantly.
Turn up for meals at the time everyone else is eating or do find your own food.

Osmama, you have forgotten a really important rule. A guest must never tell a mother in front of her children (preferably also not in front of the children) what to do. It undermines the authority of the mother even if it is well intentioned.

I like that one actually.

Grandparents don't get the chance to make decisions about their grandchildren like:

• what they are called
• when they are weaned
• what length they wear their hair
• where they go to school

etc, BUT grandparents should have the right to do normal, every day things without asking permission. Some of the posters on here sound scarily controlling.

My mother is not a guest in my house - and I am not a guest in hers.