To J - I miss you so much, lovely boy, and I so wish you could have been here so that DD could know what a fab uncle you'd have been. I hope your bastard murderer rots in Hell.
To D - I never replied to your abusive text because I knew that's the thing that infuriates you the most, having your messages ignored. But where the fuck do you get off ending a 10 yr friendship (well, a 10 yr emotional vampirism on me anyway) with a rude text because I didn't ring you when I said I would? If I had been bothered to text you back I would have said (and would have told you if you'd bothered to ring me instead) that DD had chickenpox, was dangerously ill with it and I spent the day (and much of that weekend) worrying over her instead of thinking to call you on your return from holiday. But never mind, I didn't call you therefore I'm the bitch and our friendship is over? Quite frankly I'm well rid. Oh, and the reason you keep having shit relationships is because you're an insanely needy, overly aggressive arse who expects the moon on a stick and gets abusive when it doesn't materialise. Why you latched onto me I'll never know, but by God it feels good not to have to see you anymore!
To my horse - you are special and I miss you but I'm never going to ride you again - you're too big for me, too stroppy and your current loaners love you more than I ever will now that I have DD. Sorry.
To V - for christ's sake stop with the pity party, you are becoming embarrassing and I do not want to be the last one you have as a friend, which is becoming increasingly likely the way you're going on. Your relentless negativity is doing my head in and dragging me down, please for both our sakes stop it.
To a different J - your husband is slow, slow, slow and I hate watching telly next to him as he always laughs about 10 seconds after the rest of us. He's also arrogant and pompous and the fact that you were his fourth affair that led to divorce means we're all worried the git will do it again and leave you and your baby. Your mother hates him but won't tell you. Okay, he's relatively sane compared with the others in your past but you could have done sooo much better....
To A - please, please stop assuming I know everyone you're talking about. You haven't told me. I don't know. It's not obvious. We live 250 miles apart these days, I am not up to speed with every passing acquaintance of yours!