To the world at large - No we are not having any more children, I am forty-fucking-three and going through early menopause, plus it took us 10 years, £9k and 2 failed IVF/ICSI attempts to get DD so WTF makes you think you can tell me 'oh, you should have another, it's not fair on DD' when you know NOTHING of our circs???
SIL - I am not the same size as you, you deluded bint, so stop trying to give me your clothes you don't want anymore. We already have a tent. Oh, and your 'baby' is now 9. Stop spoiling him to the detriment of your other, lovely, children and making excuses for his ridiculously spoilt, aggressive behaviour in and out of school because he was 2 months premature. Yes, I know it was awful at the time but don't you think he might have caught up by now?
Dear friend - I know you lurrrve your new man so much and he lurrrves you but please can you keep your hands off each other for 5 minutes to I can talk to you or him alone(and given he was my friend first and there are issues I sometimes need to discuss with him without you hanging off his neck it really pisses me off!)? And no, I don't want to hear how good he is in bed.
Mum - I am never going to forgive you for lying to my lovely maths teacher telling him I was afraid of him when it was actually my dad I was terrified of and was making me physically sick every monday morning in anticipation of failing the friday maths test and beign kept in after school. You made me out to be an idiot, really upset and confused my lovely teacher and denied my feelings/your bloody awful husband. I'm still pissed off that you're still defending him and making me and my sister out to be liars even now.
Brother - for christ's sake, wash! You smell and it's fucking unpleasant! Cut your hair, take some exercise and get a bloody job - and eat some fucking vegetables, move out from home and stand on your own two feet, you are FORTY FIVE and the world does not owe you a living! Just because mum humours your 'I have a degree, I can't possibly do anything other than a managerial role' stance doesn't mean anyone else will and if she keels over from the stress of managing Dad's alzheimers you are up shit creek, mate, because my sister will sell that house from under you in a new york minute to get her share!
Oh, and DH - stop smoking in the house. I don't care if it is only in one room (which it isn't, you childish fucking LIAR, I know you smoke in hte downstairs loo, fag butts don't flush and the smell is disgusting!) with the window open, it STINKS and so do you, and if you had any thoughtfulness in you at all for myself or DD you would stop it but no, you enjoy it, so we can all cough uncontrollably but that's got nothign to do with it, has it?, because despite being an intelligent man your head is so far up your arse on this matter you won't entertain any evidence about the harm it does. You always have a counter defence or else get aggressive or go into sheer denial and it drives me INSANE! Also you seem to think it's okay to sneak off for a fag while leaving DD to her own devices and then act surprised when she falls off the furniture.
Oh, and getting up with her on Saturday so I can have a lie in is lovely, but why can't you dress or feed her? Why do i come downstairs and find you snoring on the sofa with Spongebob blarign while she's running round in nothing but a vest complaining she's hungry?
Coo, that was cathartic!