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AIBU?

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Original poster

AIBU to be furious with school for refusing DS lunch?

221 replies

BettySwollux · 27/01/2010 19:34

DS1 (12, year 8) left without his lunch money this morning.
He has forgotten it before, on rare occasion, and has borrowed £2 from school with a note in his organiser, and we repaid it the next day.

I get a text from him at lunchtime saying "The office wont lend me money cos they dont lend it anymore".

I text him "have you had lunch?"
No reply and no answer when I ring, so I ring the school and asked if they knew whether DS had eaten, they said they had no idea.
I asked if he had borrowed money from them, they said he hadnt been to reception and put me through to acting head, who also had no idea what had happened and said they would get him out of class, ask him and get back to me.

When I asked how long this may take, she said it may be a while, as she had other things to do!

I told her not to bother and said I was on my way to collect him as he was probably starving by now, and I didnt think that was conductive to a good learning environment.

I picked him up, and wrote on the sign-out sheet under 'reason' Denied lunch - hungry.

DS told me he had been to the office and they said it was no longer school policy and he couldnt have anything, and to take it up with Mrs D when she returned to school tomorrow. Tomorrow???

How the hell are kids supposed to learn when they are running on empty?
The reason a lot of schools have breakfast clubs on is because a lot of kids arent being given breakfast at home, and low blood sugar etc isnt a productive way to learn.

DS has cereal every morning, but if he was one of the kids who gets nothing, he would have had nothing since supper the night before.

I am fuming that he was just told, "No, sorry" without giving a damn (If we were on benifits with a free 'hub' card, it wouldnt be a problem, they would replace it).

OP posts:
StealthPolarBear · 28/01/2010 07:39

OP HAS BEEN BACK AND ADMITTED SWBU

GetOrfMoiLand · 28/01/2010 08:04

Nice one Betty, you have taken a bit of a hammering and have taken it graciously.

2rebecca · 28/01/2010 08:05

Sorting out lunch money is a problem for you and your son. It's not the school's job.
If he had forgotten a packed lunch would you expect the school to provide one for him?
He's 12 not 5.
My kids' school collects dinner money every term so less chance of forgetting it.
YABU to blame the school for you and your son's disorganisation.

rumpleteaser · 28/01/2010 08:13

I used to save up all my lunch money and spend it on cassette tapes and nail polish at the weekend! My parents soon got wise to this and figured they were giving me too much lunch money if I could eat and buy tapes.. d'oh!

Mumcentreplus · 28/01/2010 08:26

I would not be terribly happy if they were under 11 and forgot their pack lunch and the school didn't feed them ..quite willing to pay for a school dinner..my DD forgot her packed lunch a couple of times and they fed her a school dinner (not a regular thing I might add) and they refused payment and said it was ok...some of you mums are hard-core..lol

Original poster
BettySwollux · 28/01/2010 09:23

I didnt forget the money, it was given to him and he left without picking it up.
I know missing one meal will not kill him.

Those of you whose DC chose not to eat lunch or get a replacement, that was their choice, my son had no choice to stay hungry.

I have said that by the time I got to school it was almost 2pm so lunchtime was well over, it wouldnt have made a difference if I took a sandwich, as he wouldnt be allowed to eat it.

When I hand my kids over to school, they are responsible for his welfare, that includes keeping him safe and well.
He does a ton of sport and eats like a horse, gets headachey and grumpy when he has low blood sugar.

I dont think being made to miss lunch is productive to learning well.

If he had gotten a little tired or grumpy I doubt that would have gone down too well with his teachers (only right) but I bet they wouldnt have taken reasons into account.

I do make him stand by his choices, if he gets detention for not packing his ruler or forgetting his trainers, thats tough, I dont go running to school on a whim.

BUT, I still dont think he should have been made to go hungry.

Oh, and after the time he'd spent trying to track down someone to loan him money, all his friends had finished lunch, so had no money or food to share.

I have admitted to BU in the way I acted, however, I do think there should either be a system in place to help or be nothing at all, why chop and change?

OP posts:
StealthPolarBear · 28/01/2010 09:37

no one has answered why it's OK for kids with the hub cards to forget them, do they not need to learn the valuable life lesson?

chenin · 28/01/2010 10:11

Betty... I think you have taken the posts very well but I do think you haven't quite taken on board everything that posters are saying...
You say...
BUT, I still dont think he should have been made to go hungry.

He wasn't made to go hungry. It was of his doing, by forgetting his lunch money. Until mothers accept that secondary school is so so very different to primary, there are always going to be mums like you thinking that School are going to pick up the pieces for carelessness and forgetfulness.

My children are older and I do know it is a hard lesson to learn. I vowed, when mine started at secondary, that I would not ring into school unless it was something life threatening or REALLY serious. Having seen 2 kids thru secondary, I stuck by that and have only had to contact the school a handful of times... usually to do with their exams and such like. It is very different to primary... the children have to take responsibility for themselves because... in the blink of an eye... they are in sixth form and having to motivate themselves to work. Next step - Uni or the workplace, it goes by so quickly. This is such a trivial matter to contact a large busy secondary school about. Let your boy take responsibility for himself from now on.

My two have forgetten their lunch numerous times... it is their problem. I don't think you have answered the question as to why he didn't have half of someone else's sandwich or a bag of crisps from a friend? Mine just ate the remnants of the packed lunches their friends bought in... if they were hungry enough. You say he didn't do that because lunch was over and it was too late... he must have realised at the beginning of lunch time that he had a problem...

When my eldest... for the 3rd time... lost all her PE kit. I told her 'tough'... you sort it. I REFUSED to buy her yet more kit. She was very inventive... she got friendly with bugged the life out of the woman who ran Lost Property and cobbled together enough PE kit to last the rest of term. She was in Yr8 at the time. Let your boy grow up and sort himself out.

MollyRoger · 28/01/2010 10:15

my ds's school has a smart card top up thingy. they all regularly miss lunch as you are only allowed to top up at the office at lunchtimes and there is always a mahoosive queue...so often miss out on lunch two days running - one day to realise they have no credit left and another lunch time spent queuing to top it up. (he ain't died of malnutrition yet.

Betty love, i feel for you though. My son has learning difficulties which mean everyday is a constant struggle of him trying (and failing! ) to remember everything he needs and I do feel protective of him. He gets a detention every week for a forgotten something-ot-other

pooexplosions · 28/01/2010 10:16

Hes wasn't made to miss lunch, it was his own doing, thats what you need to accept.

And Stealth, you have no idea that if a kid with a card loses it or forgets it that they don't have to wait until tomorrow or whatever for a replacement. Even if not, thats not the point here.

OP will be the laughing stock of the staff room today.

OrmRenewed · 28/01/2010 10:18

"Denied lunch - hungry."

No he wasn't denied lunch. He forgot it. His fault, not the school's. He won't die from one day without lunch - 6 isn't enough time to starve in.

If you want to be be angry, be angry with your son, not the school.

StealthPolarBear · 28/01/2010 10:18

that's what she said - they get handed a new one.
Fair enough, not what they threads about, but people have said that doesn't have any impact at all - well surely it does, he will see that those children aren't penalised for being forgetful, needs to be one rule for all - can't just be the non FSM kids that are expected to remember.

OrmRenewed · 28/01/2010 10:19

Oh OK.....I'm too late to the party as usual. Sorry OP

pooexplosions · 28/01/2010 10:27

She doesn't know that they immediately get handed a new onw, shes guessing, and I bet they don't. Don't they have to be programmed, have details checked etc? I wouldn't imagine thet they would get one in time for lunch of they rocked up at the office at lunch time.
Nobody is being penalised!

If OP's kid forgot his PE Kit would be she be upset if they didn't provide him one as he would be denied exercise? Or if he forgot bus money/ticket, well they should let him on anyway, because the little darling shouldn't be penalised. What if he forgets his homework, maybe the teacher should give him a handwritten essay?

OP is teaching her child a massive sense of entitlement and a total lack of responsibility.

inchhighprivateeye · 28/01/2010 10:29

Betty, you are still painting your son as the victim by saying he had "no choice" and was "made to miss lunch". By keeping him as the victim, you're denying him the right to be responsible for picking up his own lunch money.

If he reacts to being hungry as you say, he probably would make more of an effort to remember his lunch money in future if you hadn't bailed him out this time. How exactly do you expect him to become responsible for his own actions if you keep blaming others for them?

GColdtimer · 28/01/2010 10:34

Oh for god's sake. No wonder some kids are growing up with such a huge sense of entitlement and no responsibility. If I had ever forgotten my lunch at secondary school I would have in no way expected the school to sort me out. I would have sorted myself out or gone hungry. And to have gone and swept him out of school was a massive overreaction - he would have been home ina couple of hours anyway .

DaftApeth · 28/01/2010 10:45

I realise that you say that your op may have been a little ott.

Do you also not think that removing him from school would have been more detrimental to his education than him being a little headachey and grumpy for the last hour of the school day?

lechemummy · 28/01/2010 11:00

yanbu at all.

2shoes · 28/01/2010 11:06

sorry betty but it was his choice, her forgot the money, he is 12 ffs not 2, when will you let him grow up?

chenin · 28/01/2010 11:09

I wonder if this is because it is a boy? Just interested... not having one myself. My DDs would have died a thousand deaths rather than be pulled out of school because of no lunch. Their street cred would have plummeted massively and there is no way they would have come home with me.

upahill · 28/01/2010 11:19

Funny enough I mentioned this thread in a roundabout way to my DS (13) last night.

He had a DT for not putting in a homework - the muppet! So I mntioned about the homework and he had forgotten to hand it in. I said you know if you forget your lunch what happens. He said 'oh so and so or what his name' lends me some money' I said what if they were skint. He said 'well I;ll have to go with out' I said 'what if I came up to the school and took you home because you missed you lunch?

He thought I'd gone mad. He said and this is the quote 'Don't you ever ever do that! That's sooooooooooo embarrasing'
I'm playing along now saying 'Well if you're hungry, I can always nip out of work and sign you out' Surfice to say he was NOT impressed with that idea as it would make him look stupid in front of his mates.

He said he could always eat two packets of Oats so Simple when he got home instead of the normal one he has now!

Please Betty.. Don't make your ld look like a mummy's boy in front of his mates. They will take the piss forever. You already look bonkers for your comment in the signing out sheet.

Original poster
BettySwollux · 28/01/2010 11:41

If he forgets his PE kit, he deals with the consequences, same if he forgets his homework.
If he forgets his bus pass, he walks 7 miles home or gets a lift from a friend.
If he is late past curfew or has a cheeky manner, he gets grounded (in his room, no tv, dvds, xbox, phone, he may read, write, draw or practice guitar).

I dont think I give him a sense of entitlement.
If he doesnt do his chores, he gets no pocket money, if he does chores haphazardly, he is made to do them again.

I do try to make him see that actions have a reaction, I dont wrap him in cotton wool.

I do think that if school had changed policy then there should have been a note stating so.
And I agree with SPB, it isnt fair that they are willing to help children entitled to free meals and not others (and, yes, they do get an immediate replacement).

OP posts:
claw3 · 28/01/2010 12:00

Betty, was it ever an actual policy at the school though to lend money to children or just something they did at their discretion?

Im imagining some children saying they have lost their money (when they have spent it on something else) and getting a loan from the school and their parents refusing to pay it back if you see what i mean. (not your ds)

pooexplosions · 28/01/2010 12:25

I very much doubt that there was ever an offical policy that money was to be given out to any kid that forgot his lunch money. more likely staff did it to be kind and got the piss taken and hardly ever got any money back without significant chasing.
Isn't that a bit like if you keep borrowing money off a a friend and one day they say no, you get all annoyed that they didn't formally announce that they were no longer lending money.

Obviously there is a complete difference between handing out a new card at no cost to them and handing out 2 quid to each kid who forgets his lunch money and is told by his parents not to worry as someone else will sort it out for them.
Oh but it isn't fair, is it not? Teach him that as well why don't you?

MollieO · 28/01/2010 13:44

So why did you remove him from school for the rest of the day and not take in a sandwich for him instead? All you have done is show your ds a way he can get out of school for the afternoon!

I would imagine that there was no formal policy regarding lending of lunch money so no note needed to say that it had changed. I assume your ds has a school bag so not sure why you can't just put the lunch money in one of the pockets the night before. That way he doesn't have to remember to pick it up.