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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be furious with school for refusing DS lunch?

221 replies

BettySwollux · 27/01/2010 19:34

DS1 (12, year 8) left without his lunch money this morning.
He has forgotten it before, on rare occasion, and has borrowed £2 from school with a note in his organiser, and we repaid it the next day.

I get a text from him at lunchtime saying "The office wont lend me money cos they dont lend it anymore".

I text him "have you had lunch?"
No reply and no answer when I ring, so I ring the school and asked if they knew whether DS had eaten, they said they had no idea.
I asked if he had borrowed money from them, they said he hadnt been to reception and put me through to acting head, who also had no idea what had happened and said they would get him out of class, ask him and get back to me.

When I asked how long this may take, she said it may be a while, as she had other things to do!

I told her not to bother and said I was on my way to collect him as he was probably starving by now, and I didnt think that was conductive to a good learning environment.

I picked him up, and wrote on the sign-out sheet under 'reason' Denied lunch - hungry.

DS told me he had been to the office and they said it was no longer school policy and he couldnt have anything, and to take it up with Mrs D when she returned to school tomorrow. Tomorrow???

How the hell are kids supposed to learn when they are running on empty?
The reason a lot of schools have breakfast clubs on is because a lot of kids arent being given breakfast at home, and low blood sugar etc isnt a productive way to learn.

DS has cereal every morning, but if he was one of the kids who gets nothing, he would have had nothing since supper the night before.

I am fuming that he was just told, "No, sorry" without giving a damn (If we were on benifits with a free 'hub' card, it wouldnt be a problem, they would replace it).

OP posts:
usualsuspect · 27/01/2010 21:25

I used to say every morning when ds was at school..key/money/bag,he used to say yes mum I know,and still he would come flying back in because he had forgot one hes slightly better now hes at college

Goblinchild · 27/01/2010 21:30

Well, the OP's son has managed to borrow cash a couple of times before, so it was hardly a one-off emergency. More like an
'Oh well, someone else will sort it out for me. And if they don't, my mum will be furious with them and not me'
So it's a win-win situation, with an afternoon of school as an extra bonus.

TrickyTeenagersMum · 27/01/2010 21:38

You over reacted a tad, possibly. But Betty, I really like your style. Am sure it will not scar your ds for life to be rescued by his ma - I think it's really rather a fab thing to have done.
Serves the jobsworth secretary and head right, I bet they will secretly, in the ataffroom afterwards, feel a bit bad about it and at least discuss whether they ought to have some sort of lunch contingency scheme.
To me, is utterly unthinkable to go through a day without lunch. God, the very thought makes me really quite tearful.

Can your ds be trusted with "stuck money" (a fiver in his wallet for total emergencies not to be spent on fags, gum or football cards)? Some of mine could - one really couldn't/can't (see my other posts if you want the full horror story). Sadly he is the one who would forget his lunch money, too.

I think you sound like a great mum, you and ds will be laughing about this in 10 years time, I bet.

cory · 27/01/2010 22:15

anastaisia Wed 27-Jan-10 20:53:14
"But they are still children, still the responsibility of their parents and not all children have the same level of ability. What if you have a child with minor (or worse) learning difficulties and you KNOW that they forget things, and you KNOW that they don't learn from punishments or the natural consequences of forgetting. They may not need so much help that they would get special help with things, but they might just need that little bit of extra support from their parents to manage in the same way your DD does."

Exactly. From their parents. If your child cannot remember, you put the money in their bag before they go off. Not the responsibility of the school.

clam · 27/01/2010 22:20

TrickyTeenagersMum: I can hazard a guess as to what the Head and secretary would have been saying about the OP in the staffroom afterwards, and it certainly won't have involved them feeling a bit bad about it and discussing contingency plans!

upahill · 27/01/2010 22:21

Betty... We have been a bit harsh on you, me included, I know kids forget stuff - mines had a dt today for forgeting homework. The idiot had done the work, I've seen it - just forgot to hand it in but tough luck really.
He used to text me in break in year 8 and ask me to nip up with lunch, kit, whatever but I always said 'can't sorry love, I've got work, jobs, too far away etc. Why on earth haven't you got it with you.' He got a few DT but he's learning!

Most high schools have over 1200 kids there. It's there job to educate them,teach them responsibility and consequences. This is a lesson learned. Why didn't his mates pitch in? My DS helps mates out when they forget their bus pass and have to pay and they have helped him when he has forgot his lunch.

upahill · 27/01/2010 22:24

As an add on about skipping lunch. I laughed at one of the post who said she used to save her dinner money.

I used to do that and buy records!! No wonder I was skinny then. Perhaps I should start skipping a few more lunches in the future

StirFry · 27/01/2010 22:25

I'm a TA and have also done admin work in the school office. The number of parents who 'forget' to send their children with lunch money is beyond a joke.

We ended up with over a thousand pounds of lunches left unpaid for. Then guess where the money comes from to pay for all these dinners? School funds!

Not giving your kids money for lunch means ultimately you are depriving them and their classmates of resources!!

2shoes · 27/01/2010 22:30

yabu
I expected this to be about a primary child not secondry,
he will soon learn to remember his luch money now.

bruffin · 27/01/2010 23:13

My YR7 DD 12 forgot her lunch card (we prepay for lunch) Text me, told her to go to see student services who would give her a temp one. She chose not to so went hungry, but survived without fading away and got no sympathy from me!

dixiechick1975 · 27/01/2010 23:34

What has stood out from this thread for me is kids with phones texting mummy when in the past they would have had to work out what to do for themselves.

Aged 12 and you haven't got the common sense to ask a friend for money/ask to share their lunch???

serinBrightside · 27/01/2010 23:43

IKWYM Dixiechick. DD's school has a total ban on mobile phones, for which I am very grateful. She would be texting me all the time, as it is I can go to work and know that whatever events/minor catastrophies arise will be more than adequately dealt with by the teachers.

cory · 27/01/2010 23:45

Agree about mobiles taking away the need for initiative.

juneybean · 28/01/2010 00:02

Was it HKSC by any chance ?

jasper · 28/01/2010 00:04

YAB the most U I have seen on mumsnet for a very long time.

My 3 are 10, 9, and 7 . They take a packed lunch every day.
SOmetimes they "forget' to pick up their lunch on the way out.
They then go to the school caf and choose a school meal and are given a note of how much is owed and I send in the money the next day.

I wish to school would NOT do this as it is about time they learned that their forgetfulness has consequences and that others will not bail them out every time.

If they came home hungry because the school had stopped this facility I would be delighted. If they texted me (which would be amazing as they have no phones) I would NOT go to the school to give them money/lunch. They would soon learn not to forget.

bruffin · 28/01/2010 00:10

Mobiles not banned at DCs' school, just not allowed them out in class and rules on taking photos with them.

DD has only just started at secondary and my reply to her was/and will always be go see teacher/student services even if she is feeling ill.

They have lunch cards so nobody is carrying money for lunch so not easy to cadge off.
DD has only just started at secondary and my reply to her was/and will always be go see teacher/student services even if she is feeling ill.

MollieO · 28/01/2010 00:25

I can't believe that this isn't a wind up thread.

Your ds is 12. Missing one meal is hardly likely to affect his learning. If you were so concerned that you had to collect him early from school why didn't you take him something to eat? My ds is 5. If he had forgotten his lunch and had no money it would be tough. He wouldn't forget again!

StillSquiffy · 28/01/2010 01:50

You do realise that 'Denied lunch - hungry' will go down in history in the school staff room?

hatwoman · 28/01/2010 02:43

thanks for a fantastic thread betty. really interesting snap shot of contemporary parenting, complete with mobiles and helicopters. interesting - and completely reassuring - to see how many of us try really hard to let our kids learn responsibility the hard way. i so hope our senior school bans mobiles. i really can't help wonder if there's something about having a permanent hotline to mummy and daddy that is, ultimately, Not Good. I'm devsing ways of avoiding this...I suppose I do have to give dds my number don't I?

ChippingIn · 28/01/2010 06:17

This is a wind up isn't it?

Surely there aren't people out there who are outraged/upset/furious/almost in tears about a 12 year old not being bailed out by the school office and not having his lunch???

FFS - truely - get a grip!

Betty - I know you now think you maybe over-reacted slightly , but there were actually some people agreeing with what you did & you tried to organise a pre-payment for him - honestly, let him start taking some responsibility for himself. It will do him no good to be this babied.

Devendra · 28/01/2010 06:46

My DD 14 has forgotten her money on a few occasions.. I really cannot believe you actually took your son out of school because he did not have lunch.. this must be a wind up as surely you would have just taken him a sarnie??????
If you did then YABU and insane... he is 12 not 2 and will not starve. I bet the school office staff had a right laugh at your expence!

WidowWadman · 28/01/2010 06:50

What I wonder, is the poor kid not going to be laughed at by his classmates for having been taken home because of being hungry?

Chandon · 28/01/2010 07:27

YABU

Typical modern Britain mum-with-attitude.

YOU forgot the money, YOUR mistake. Yet you are fuming ??? and flouncing big style, kicking up a fuss???!!! And with that hideous attitude of entitlement...

I really despair sometimes, poor schools, poor teachers to have to deal with this kind of parent.

Yes it would have been nice if they´d lend the money, but I think you forgot it was really YOUR mistake, not theirs.

And no, he wouldn´t have starved..

Goblinchild · 28/01/2010 07:35

'What I wonder, is the poor kid not going to be laughed at by his classmates for having been taken home because of being hungry?'

No, it will start a craze amongst the needy and immature members of his year with nurturing and sensitive parents.
Got a lesson you don't fancy in the afternoon? Feel a bit tired? Here's what you do...
And you are right about the laughter in the office and staff room as a consequence, so perhaps some good came of it after all.

StealthPolarBear · 28/01/2010 07:39

It isn't a wind up - Betty has already come ack and agreed SWBU, very brave of her I think.
However, the kids on free school meals, I find it interesting that no one thinks they need to learn life's lessons - if they forget their card it's replaced no questions asked. What's the deal there??