To not want people waiting at the hospital when I deliver?

[Serennos]

Hello everyone, please can you help? I need to know whether IABU (and at 38 weeks pg, I could well be - but I can take it).

Firstly an apology; if this has been done to death, please accept my apologies. I haven't seen another thread that is exactly the same as this one, and if you let me have your opinion, you might help to clear up a touchy subject in my house at the moment.

I am due to give birth for the first time in a couple of weeks (here's hoping); it'll be a hospital birth in a relatively small hospital (post-natal ward has 6 beds), which is about 20-30 mins drive from our home. Both my dh and dm are due to be my birth partners, in part so that I won't be left on my tod if either need a break and the hospital are short staffed.

My mil (with whom I get on just fine) is v. excited at the arrival of another grandchild, and has asked dh to call her when we leave for the hospital so that she and dh's step-dad can make the couple of hours journey from her place to wait at the hospital to see dh (and me and baby, if possible) asap after the birth.

Although it would take her a couple of hours to get to the hospital, and she would have her husband for company, I am concerned that I will have it in the back of my mind that someone is waiting around for hours in the building for me to give birth. If it happens at night, the only waiting place is on the row of 3 seats outside the delivery suite area, and if I decide to holler like a hippo, it might be heard. During the day, they could wait in the cafe areas, but I wouldn't know whether they were outside the delivery suites or not.

I am also not comfortable with the possibility that dh might feel pulled in two directions after the birth (stay with me and baby for as long as possible, assuming that I don't conveniently give birth during visiting times, or feel that he should go out to see his dm because she will have been there for hours waiting for news).

Dh, on the other hand, is thrilled that his dm wants to be there (as am I at the sentiment), would like her there to share the excitement, and to be there as support for him just in case something bad happens. I can understand this, and dh thinks that as she wants to be at the hospital to be as close as possible, and he would like her to be there too, I should be thinking a bit more about his wishes than I am currently.

My compromise is that if mil would like to be closer to us to wait, she would be more than welcome to be at our house, 1/2 hour away from the hospital (if she needs to get there quick), and can have the very first dibs on visiting hours. Although I am pleased that they would like to be there, and have no problem whatsoever with them waiting at our house and visiting as soon as visitng hours come round, I would be uncomfortable with knowing that they were waiting at the hospital because of the reasons above.

Dh does think that I am being unreasonable and that having his dm and step-dad waiting at the hospital is a small thing to ask.

Please help: honestly, AIBU? I am going to show this thread to dh in a while (whatever the consensus is).

Good god that's a long post - if you've reached the bottom, I may have had the baby by now!

I didnt want anyone waiting i was the same can i tell you something when i was in labour i wouldnt have cared who was waiting outside you honestly dont care they are excited be happy they want too be there x.

All the way through I was thinking, why can't she wait at your house, and then I read it in your OP. I think this is the best solution.

I'm not sure why people would want to wait at the hospital for potentially hours and hours and hours, for someone to give birth. It's barking.

YAdefNBU

I forbade DH from telling anyone I was in labour, the first they heard was when he called everyone to announce the birth. My parents then came to visit straight away at the first visiting hour, but at least I had a few hours to get my thoughts together. I don't think YABU at all.

YANBU.the thought of my inlaws visiting when I have blood pouring out of one end and vomit out of the other (don't think everyone voms after birth though) is awful!Also very very intrusive !

I would hate for someone to be waiting like this

It would be like sitting on the loo trying to do a poo and a queue of close relatives/friends right outside the door.

Most unsettling

YANBU and you have offered a very sensible compromise.

Also there could be a very long wait in between getting the phone call that you are gong into hospital and the baby arriving - for me it was two days after going into hospital!

I wouldn't really like to think that there were people waiting around for me to finish as it were - but wouldn't ask my mum to be there either (just not that kind of relationship).

I think it is important that YOU feel comfortable and that your DH understands and shows regard for your wishes. I don't think YABU as you are offering a very fair alternative, but even if you were it is you that is the important one right now - make the most of it before DC arrives.

I didn't even want people to know I was in labour with my first and got very cross when FIL phoned to double check that I was actually in labour because DH had told him...like I wanted to chat to anyone mid-contraction

Personally, after giving birth in the delivery suite, there was blood everywhere - on me, on the bed, on the floor etc etc (and sorry for TMI, but absolutely pouring out of down below). Whilst I was comfortable with my DH and DM seeing me like this, I would not have wanted anyone else to and indeed I do not think visitors (other than birth partners) are allowed on delivery ward.

Some time (varies greatly) after birth, you go to the postnatal ward and then visitors can come, but only during visiting hours - this includes your DH, your DM and everyone else.

You are the most important person when you are actually giving birth. It is physiologically important that you are not stressed about silly things such as people waiting in the corridor.

Some first labours are hugely long. Your MIL could be in the corridor for DAYS!!

It would be far better for everyone (including her) for your MIL to wait at your house.

YANBU - you need to do the work and worying about others can hamper your labour!

1/2 hour away in your house and first dibs on visiting is perfectly fine!

YANBU, you have the perfect solution in them waiting at your house. You could be in labour for hours, why would they want to sit on a hard seat in a hospital with a couple of old Take a Break mags when they could be at your house?

I think that you need to sell it to your dh as being about what will be nicer for his parents rather than your wishes, though that is a bit irritating for you.

Good grief, you are most definitely NBU!!
Nothing to add, except good luck

YANBU in the slightest

Waiting at your home is a great idea, though tbh I would hold off telling anyone apart from birth partners that you were even in labour. Otherwise you have people texting all the time asking how things are going, it's intrusive and unnecessary.

Also if they are waiting at the hospital there is always the danger that visitors will want to barge in too soon after the baby is born - when you and dh may just want some time alone together etc.

I would have found this quite stressful. You do make very 'animal' sounds near the end and I would have been mortified if my PIL had heard this. It really needs to be about you because this is the last time it will be for some time. Any extra worries (no matter how small) aren't going to help you labour effectively.

FWIW as well you might not want visitors the second your baby arrives. It's a really special few hours and being flooded by people desperate to see the baby would have been really overwhelmimg. This would have gone for my own family too. We saw a few people a few hours later and that was lovely but the immediate aftermath was perfect just as us.

Another point. I was covered in God knows what after the birth and being stitched up etc for a couple of hours. When in this time would your MIL see the baby? Would she be happy to wait for an extra couple of hours while you sort yourselves out, have skin to skin and have the first feed? Spectators when you're doing these things might be your cup of tea but they weren't mine!

As others have said, I doubt they will be allowed to stay beyond visiting hours anyway, and they won't be allowed on the delivery ward.

And you could be there for days. I was in for 2 days before DS made his appearance at 4:30am. I'd even sent DH home part way through proceedings

YANBU

YANBU. I thought I wanted my mum there as a birthing partner but when I actually went into labour properly I didnt want to even speak to her never mind tell her to get to the hospital quick. We rang her after the birth! She didn't mind not being there, I think she was quite relieved not to be a birthing partner in the end.

Tell DH they can wait at the house. Once you get into labour he will be beside himself to keep you happy and not ripping his head off so Im sure he will oblige.

Just say that they don't allow non birth partners into the delivery suite and the earliest opportunity to visit is normal visiting times. That's the policy in my maternity hospital and if it isn't yours whose to find out, eh?!

sorry but your dh needs to be thinking a heck of a lot less about what he would like and what his mother would like, and about 100% more about what you would like WHILE YOU ARE PUSHING HIS BABY'S HEAD OUT OF YOUR VAGINA

fgs

you get to do it how you want to
it really is NOTHING to do with what he wants and what his mother wants
i am worried for you if this is their attitude now before you have even had the baby

I think it's true that you're not allowed to have all and sundry on the delivery wards anyway. The staff are working and don't want to have to push past loads of people. I think at our hospital, there was a limit of two people in the delivery suite in with you.

As others have said, you might need stitching. You'll be bleeding. You may be trying out breastfeeding for the first time, doing the whole skin-to-skin thing. You need privacy.

It is a special time with the new baby and grandparents should be able to wait a day or two.

Gawd no - it's an incredibly draining experience and frankly even your DH may find he doesnt want instant visitors.

They realy should give tyou at least a night to yourselves. AFter DS1 was born DM and MIL came the next day, at our invitation because we did want to show him off, but no way would I have wanted to see them immediately afterwards.

Great that they are so keen, but DH should give you priority in this and go with how you feel at the time. If it all goes swimmingly and you feel up to it then they can be called in from your home.

I think TinaSparkles is right. I don't think they'd allow non-birthing partners into the delivery suite and hospitals, especially maternity wards are usually strict about visiting as they don't want knackered mums and sleeping babies disturbed by a constant stream of visitors.

And, you probably don't want to hear this, but first labours can go on for days.... My first was a very quick 5 hours, but then 2 hours stitching etc.

Do you really want your mum there? It would be simpler if it was just you and DH then you'd be treating both sets of parents equally.

You might find the hospital won't let them wait around on the ward and if it's a small hospital there might not be a handy 'restaurant' to sit in and get a cuppa or snack. The birth unit I was at had open visiting but the hospital (where I was transferred) was very strict.

YANBU at all. However, I would highlight that your DM is one of your birth partners and your MIL might feel a little left out.

Agree that a good compromise is for them to wait at your house until you've had the baby. They might appreciate 'alone' time with you and the baby (and your DH) so I would probably send my mum on a little errand when they visit so it's not too crowded.

Good luck though

YANBU. Apart from the added stress and pressure of knowing people are waiting- and not even waiting for you, really, they are waiting for the baby- the hospital probably wouldn't like it. The hospital I went to said that they did not want anyone hanging around waiting in the corridor as generally they are a hinderance. Even the most reasonable family member is unlikely to resist accosting a passing staff member at some point to try and find out what is going on. Plus, as others have pointed out, they may well not be able to come in for some time after the baby is born and then your dh will be torn between updating them and being with you and your brand new dc.

Putting them up at your house is a lovely offer.

YANBU, I didn't want anyone else other than DH at the hospital until I'd delivered, was stitched up, washed and teeth brushed, wheeled up to the ward and the baby was fed and happy. The last people I would have wanted there were mine or DH's parents. They came during the first visiting session which was soon enough for us.
It's nice that they want to be involved etc but I think it's a bit intrusive TBH. I bet midwives and hospital staff get so pissed off with overbearing relatives hanging around. It puts pressure on the parents to be too to think they have a gang waiting outside to flock in the minute the baby flies out of your fanjo. It would put me right off TBH.
I think your offer of having them stay at your house is more than acceptable. Do you think your MIL feels a bit left out and poss jealous that you Mum is going to be there?