To not want people waiting at the hospital when I deliver?

[Serennos]

Hello everyone, please can you help? I need to know whether IABU (and at 38 weeks pg, I could well be - but I can take it).

Firstly an apology; if this has been done to death, please accept my apologies. I haven't seen another thread that is exactly the same as this one, and if you let me have your opinion, you might help to clear up a touchy subject in my house at the moment.

I am due to give birth for the first time in a couple of weeks (here's hoping); it'll be a hospital birth in a relatively small hospital (post-natal ward has 6 beds), which is about 20-30 mins drive from our home. Both my dh and dm are due to be my birth partners, in part so that I won't be left on my tod if either need a break and the hospital are short staffed.

My mil (with whom I get on just fine) is v. excited at the arrival of another grandchild, and has asked dh to call her when we leave for the hospital so that she and dh's step-dad can make the couple of hours journey from her place to wait at the hospital to see dh (and me and baby, if possible) asap after the birth.

Although it would take her a couple of hours to get to the hospital, and she would have her husband for company, I am concerned that I will have it in the back of my mind that someone is waiting around for hours in the building for me to give birth. If it happens at night, the only waiting place is on the row of 3 seats outside the delivery suite area, and if I decide to holler like a hippo, it might be heard. During the day, they could wait in the cafe areas, but I wouldn't know whether they were outside the delivery suites or not.

I am also not comfortable with the possibility that dh might feel pulled in two directions after the birth (stay with me and baby for as long as possible, assuming that I don't conveniently give birth during visiting times, or feel that he should go out to see his dm because she will have been there for hours waiting for news).

Dh, on the other hand, is thrilled that his dm wants to be there (as am I at the sentiment), would like her there to share the excitement, and to be there as support for him just in case something bad happens. I can understand this, and dh thinks that as she wants to be at the hospital to be as close as possible, and he would like her to be there too, I should be thinking a bit more about his wishes than I am currently.

My compromise is that if mil would like to be closer to us to wait, she would be more than welcome to be at our house, 1/2 hour away from the hospital (if she needs to get there quick), and can have the very first dibs on visiting hours. Although I am pleased that they would like to be there, and have no problem whatsoever with them waiting at our house and visiting as soon as visitng hours come round, I would be uncomfortable with knowing that they were waiting at the hospital because of the reasons above.

Dh does think that I am being unreasonable and that having his dm and step-dad waiting at the hospital is a small thing to ask.

Please help: honestly, AIBU? I am going to show this thread to dh in a while (whatever the consensus is).

Good god that's a long post - if you've reached the bottom, I may have had the baby by now!

A friend of mine was telling me about her friend who had just had an 80 hour labour!!! I somehow can't see your PIL wanting to wait that one out!

Being at your house seems a good compromise. (Sorry DH of OP, seems you've been outvoted)

Would echo others who have said that they wouldn't be allowed into delivery suite (understandably) and would have to wait for visiting hours anyway.

It is a godsend - gives time to settle and get head round having just delivered a baby out of your fanjo. My mum came and visited me about 3 hours after dd was born and said I looked like it seen a ghost, or had been witness to an atrocity. It took me a while (with all 3), to "process" the delivery (and that's with 7 hour one with dd, 3 hour with ds1 and 2 hours with ds2).

There is absolutely no point whatsoever in friends and family waiting outside. You may be there for ages and ages. And if you're there for ages and ages I would also be worrying about people hanging on and waiting for you to get on with it.

Your feelings are paramount here - and this is from someone who doesn't believe in the whole "it's your day" thing to do with weddings, or pregnancy being an illness and yadda yadda.

Seriously - when it comes to birthing a baby, the mother's needs, wants and wishes are way more important than anyone else. Regardless of how smooth and straightforward it might (hopefully) be, it still hurts and it incomparable with anything else you'll do (can be in a good way).

I think your DH is either extremely naive or very, very selfish - probably the first..

Echo previous posters on the importance of you being comfortable, but also would add that the time immediatley after a birth is special and important for mother and baby to bond, and importnatly to establish breastfeeding.

You may have had an operation, you may have been in labour for 50 hours (I was) and be exhausted - who knows... The first few hours are for you to get to know your baby, and for baby to get his/her colstrum...

To expect you to see visitors immediately aftewards - especially one who are waiting to pounce, even from the safe distance of your house, is IMHO, COMPLETELY UNREASONABLE. You should not be expected to agree to this sort of compromise now - you have no idea whether you'll feel like seeing them after the birth.

I think they are being invasive. They should wait in their own house, until you are up to seeing them - whether that be a few hours or a couple of days... They are 2 hours away FGS - what does it matter if they dont' baby unti s/he is a few days old?

YANBU

I had to go in for induction and didn't let my DH tell either set of parents until after I'd already been admitted. The whole thing didn't go smoothly and when they were still waiting to hear 2 days later....!

I'm sure your delivery will be lovely and straightforward but things can take much longer than anticipated. Your PIL will be far from home, and if they set off when you do (so to speak) they could be in for a very long and uncomfortable wait.

My in laws visited me in hospital en masse the day after my DD was born and I was feeling horrendous and not really up to it. And like you, I get on really well with my MIL.

So I suppose what I'm saying is childbirth can't really be predicted. You don't know how long things will take (unless you're having a planned csection?) and you don't know how you and DH are going to feel at the end of it (my DH hadn't slept in about 36 hours) so it's difficult to know what will be right for all of you re visitors.

YANBU. Not at all. TBH, I'm surprsed that you even want your DM there too (though I'll admit that probably most mothers don't turn up unannounced halfway through the labour and then offer you 'magic water' while you're having awful contractions...). If you get along with your DM< and your DP does too, then fine.

But you certainly don't need hangers on loitering around outside waiting to see a baby which will only want to be near you anyway. If they persist in being arsey about you refusing entry (which IS what they are doing now - try asking her if she would have wanter her MIL hanging around while she was giving birth...), then go on a bit about how it's hard enough being born as it is without being handed around from pillar to post when all the baby wants is the reassuring heartbeat of the person who's been growing it for the last nine months.

And as another poster has said, if your DP is putting his parents wishes ahead of the person who will shortly be evacuating a baby's head through their vagina, he needs a good shake. I'm sorry, but if your PIL have forgotten just how life-changing labour is, they need reminding. Tell them they're not going to be allowed in to see you anyway, so they might as well be at home, if they HAVE to do that even. My PIL didn't arrive for a few days - I was in hospital for three days recovering from a very long, traumatic birth, and I didn't even want MY family there, let alone my DPs. Plan for very eventuality, and don't be bullied on this one. It's not your DP that's going to give birth, so he doesn't get to dictate the viewing rota.

YANBU for all the reasons you've mentioned. I can imagine that it would definitely play at the back of my mind too, knowing that there were people waiting who were desperate to meet their grandchild. That sort of stress can hinder labour, surely.
It sounds like you have a great relationship with them, you're obviously fond of them. Could you talk to them directly and tell them how you feel, emphasising your willingness for them to stay at your house. Afterall, won't they be more comfy there - kitchens, beds at their disposal, tv, etc.

YA def NBU - what everyone else said, basically!

DH needs to get a grip and stop asking you to be more considerate of his feelings to be frank! Not that helpful of him to tell you he wants his mummy there in case anything goes wrong, either - nothing WILL go wrong provided you are left to labour in a a fashion you feel comfortable and relaxed with!!

Very best of luck, we must be due around the same day - 8th Feb for me

Agree with Franny and Zooey.....

My sister was in the hospital for 54 hours between waters breaking and baby appearing which by my calculation gives your MIL 52 rather long hours sitting on a hard plastic chair and waiting.

Staying at your house 30 minutes away is perfectly reasonable suggestion, leave her a list of chores to get done if she needs something to occupy her!

This is not about her and what she wants, this is about you and it is better you put your foot down now and draw a line in the sand.

Trust me the baby won't look much different between a few minutes old and 24 hours old!!!

I don't think YABU but it does make me when MIL's don't get the same 'rights' as mothers in things like this!

It is her grandchild too and she may well, understandably, be jealous that your mum will be there to see the birth and she wont.

YANBU, to give you an idea of possible timings (and it could be far longer) with DS1 I arrived on labour ward at 7pm, DS1 arrived at 10pm ish. It wasn't until 3am that I transferred to the postnatal ward, after stitching, skin to skin, feed, weighing (DS, not me!), bath (me not him!) gazing in wondrous adoration, feed, more feed etcetcetc.

At that point, had it not been 3am (and she 3 hours away), I might have been up for MIL having a quick peek, but definitely not before.

Cannot imagine PILs sitting waiting, and it wouldn't have been permitted at my maternity hospital. Can't imagine anyone sitting around that long-most odd.

Oh god - had forgotten the stitching time afterwards. With dd it took about half an hour after everything had finished before the "stitcher" arrived. And about 30mins for the stitching.

With ds1 it was longer - at night.

And then there's the time it takes to transfer you from the delivery room to the post-natal ward. Get you settled and sorted. Checked over by midwife. POssible visit from breastfeeding counsellor. And so on and so on.

I think would be great to get your MIL involved by letting her visit as soon as is possible. But "as soon as is possible" means after all the post-natal stuff has been sorted, you are settled and comfy, and have had a chance to have a shower and snuggle with the baby. Which could be HOURS on top of the labour itself.

@ Tottwriter - MAGIC WATER????? Please explain!

YANBU

Birth of DS1 was hell for me ending in forceps third degree tear and baby in distress heart rate very low.

I got through that they put me in the recovery room, I still did not have feeling in legs from the spinal, and I have both my mum and inlaws coming in (it was midnight on the 23rd december)

I just wanted to be left alone, there was blood and scank coming out i couldn't think properly, I looked a mess and my boobs were on show

DS2 I had a great birth and didn't see anyone until the next day when I came home I was ready and composed and had had some sleep post birth and DS2 was happy so much better I felt in control

FrannyandZoe summed it up quite well

oh good lord
the MIL is an adult I presume
she must surely understand that you don't usually want your husband's mother hanging around when you are naked, bleeding and probably pooing yourself
i mean tbh i really question people who can stand having their OWN mother there, but realise some people do have that relationship with their mothers - to expect someone to have that relationship with their MIL and indeed their FIL is just deluded

mylifemykids,

I agree to a point, but birth can be traumatic enough as it is without worrying about your MIL being there having a good old nose at your vagina while you're popping a baby out. Would you ordinarily flash your parts you your in-laws? Why do people get a sudden right to see your fanny just because there is, temporarily, a baby on its way out? At least your own mother has been there for you and 'seen it all before'. There's a big difference between that and someone you only met in adulthood. (Personally, I didn't want my mum there either anyway, but OP has said why her mum will be around.)

sorry that was in response to the

"it does make me when MIL's don't get the same 'rights' as mothers in things like this!" post

i feel quite strongly about this whole issue as you can probably tell!

YANBU.

They can have a phone call when the baby is born.

Your DH is a grown up, and can wait a couple of hours to see his DM.

You knowing they are outside the room will make you tense and give you a more difficult labour.

They must not be there!

(I think there is a similar thread in Childbirth at the moment, OP.)

You really do not need the extra pressure of people waiting around. DS is eleven weeks olds, so the memory of labour, birth and the days after are still rather vivid! I had my mum and DP. DP's mum was very restrained, and waited until we'd returned home and got settled before she came to visit - I think he was about a week old?

I had a relatively straight forward birth (no tears, TENS) but afterwards I wanted nothing more but to sleep!! I had some time with DP and our son before DP and mum returned home. DS was born at 0225.

The hospital may not actually let her wait outside - perhaps check with them?

Oh, and tell you DH that if he's the one giving birth, he can choose who is there. But seeing as its you...

Tottwriter

hmm

are you me but with better grammar?

@ gingerkirsty She's really into spiritualism, so when (after a day and a half awake, having had an epidural that only worked down one side) I began the usual in-labour moan 'I can't do this!', she offered me a plastic cup of water, saying that the 'magic water' would make me feel better.

It was only because sheturned up witha couple of hours to go, and both DP and I were delirious with exhaustion that we didn't boot her straight away. She totally ruined things for my DP, tbh, though my birth experience was protracted enough that I've blocked most of it from memory.

I'm with anyone who didn't want their own mother there! My mother would have been in bits - she loved seeing dd (and ds1 and ds2) as soon as possible afterwards, but she would have found seeing me in labour sooo traumatic.

Serennos congrats on your pregnancy and the impending big day. How exciting that it's nearly time for puffing and panting... x

I have often wondered why people like to hang around at the hospital when they could see the precious bundle a few hours old rather than a few minutes old AND after having a decent night's sleep rather than sitting on hospital chairs.

I watch an awful lot of Discovery Home and Health (sad but true) and it seems in the US it is pretty normal for the whole extended family to be out in the waiting room, desperate to hear the news. (Is your Mil American?) In some cases, it seems that MiL gets in the delivery suite too (No, No, No!)

While it is VERY sweet that she is so excited about her grandchild, I think I agree with the poster who described it as if someone is standing outside the loo, waiting for you to "produce". Could be v off-putting for you whilst you are trying to get your focus and energy into the contractions. (or you might be so high on GandA that you might not care, who knows?)

Could you say it is an NHS thing that they don't want people handing around and call her when you are all stitched cleaned up, on the ward, in your bestest nightie ready for your "goddess" photos?