To not want people waiting at the hospital when I deliver?

[Serennos]

Hello everyone, please can you help? I need to know whether IABU (and at 38 weeks pg, I could well be - but I can take it).

Firstly an apology; if this has been done to death, please accept my apologies. I haven't seen another thread that is exactly the same as this one, and if you let me have your opinion, you might help to clear up a touchy subject in my house at the moment.

I am due to give birth for the first time in a couple of weeks (here's hoping); it'll be a hospital birth in a relatively small hospital (post-natal ward has 6 beds), which is about 20-30 mins drive from our home. Both my dh and dm are due to be my birth partners, in part so that I won't be left on my tod if either need a break and the hospital are short staffed.

My mil (with whom I get on just fine) is v. excited at the arrival of another grandchild, and has asked dh to call her when we leave for the hospital so that she and dh's step-dad can make the couple of hours journey from her place to wait at the hospital to see dh (and me and baby, if possible) asap after the birth.

Although it would take her a couple of hours to get to the hospital, and she would have her husband for company, I am concerned that I will have it in the back of my mind that someone is waiting around for hours in the building for me to give birth. If it happens at night, the only waiting place is on the row of 3 seats outside the delivery suite area, and if I decide to holler like a hippo, it might be heard. During the day, they could wait in the cafe areas, but I wouldn't know whether they were outside the delivery suites or not.

I am also not comfortable with the possibility that dh might feel pulled in two directions after the birth (stay with me and baby for as long as possible, assuming that I don't conveniently give birth during visiting times, or feel that he should go out to see his dm because she will have been there for hours waiting for news).

Dh, on the other hand, is thrilled that his dm wants to be there (as am I at the sentiment), would like her there to share the excitement, and to be there as support for him just in case something bad happens. I can understand this, and dh thinks that as she wants to be at the hospital to be as close as possible, and he would like her to be there too, I should be thinking a bit more about his wishes than I am currently.

My compromise is that if mil would like to be closer to us to wait, she would be more than welcome to be at our house, 1/2 hour away from the hospital (if she needs to get there quick), and can have the very first dibs on visiting hours. Although I am pleased that they would like to be there, and have no problem whatsoever with them waiting at our house and visiting as soon as visitng hours come round, I would be uncomfortable with knowing that they were waiting at the hospital because of the reasons above.

Dh does think that I am being unreasonable and that having his dm and step-dad waiting at the hospital is a small thing to ask.

Please help: honestly, AIBU? I am going to show this thread to dh in a while (whatever the consensus is).

Good god that's a long post - if you've reached the bottom, I may have had the baby by now!

what on earth would the dh need his mother there for though? She's not exactly ever been in his situation as a waiting father or whatever.It's completely different from the OP wanting her mother there, for a different reason entirely

ruddy - I am also looking from his viewpoint. From his perspective, he should be able to see in a second that the OP's need for her mother is completely different from his wish to have his mother there. He's not the one giving birth, is he?

I've never heard of a man actually asking his mother to attend the birth; most likely he said yes to his mother because, as the OP said, she asked him.

but he doesn't see it like that. i'm not for one minute suggesting he should be allowed to have his mother there! i'm just saying at this moment in time the dh has no clue, he thinks if the op has mum there then so should his mum be there. the dh's mum has probably given him this idea!

YA DEF NBU

Our local hospital introduced a waiting room between us having DC2 and DC3. When you arrive at the hospital now (in labour..) you are let in, and wait in the same waiting room as relatives until the midwife comes to get you.

For me, heavily in labour, this meant a)not getting a seat because non of the cretins felt they needed to move and b)standing outside in the corridor whilst they all came and went for food/fags etc. It was humilating in the extreme, and because the midwives were all busy they each thought someone else had opened the door.

I wrote and complained, but I don't think anything has changed, sadly. There is absolutely no need for entire families to wait in a waiting room - it's like something out of Jeremy Kyle. Wait at home for the phone call to say that the baby has been born, and go in at visiting time. Easy.

waiting room with the other relatives - what a nightmare paolosgirl. That's the last thing you need when in agony

Okay, so we're at least on the same page, ruddy!

Tell her to stay at your place and only come when she gets a message that you're happy to receive her as a visitor.

Your DH should be happy with this and if I were in your shoes frankly I'd have a problem with him not accepting my compromise and fussing about it.

So no, YANBU but I think your DH is.

I think labour is quite a private experience and I don't think many women would like the idea of people hanging around waiting outside listening to your every moan and grunt. When I had dd1 the labour room had swinging doors and the bed was right in front of it, even in the throes of labour I was always aware of the doors opening and closing as nurses went in and out, hoping that nobody would see me in my legs-apart, bloodied state.

I don't think YABU at all to not want your ils there. Labour should be all about keeping the mother as comfortable and as stress-free as possible. Sure there's going to be a baby at the end of it, but there's nothing anybody can do for the baby so it's better to stay well away and give the mother the space and privacy she neeeds at that time.

And about your mum being there but not your mil, well that's tough really. You want your mother there, it's not going to be causing you any discomfort, she's there because you think she'll be of use to you during labour. I think your dh needs to accept this. If he's the one going through labour then of course he can have his mum there and yours can stay home .

One of my friends dh did a horribly unthinkable thing when she was in labour. When friend was in the labour room with her mum (who was her birthing partner too) in walked her dh with his mother and sister! He was exercising his right to bring along his family too. Luckily for her she hadn't started pushing yet but she said it was an agonising time for her waiting there trying not to whimper at her contractions while they tried to pat her back and soothe her, which she was really angry about. Once they were gone she didn't want her dh there and gave birth only with her mum. Their relationship completely soured after that.

Haven't read all but:
you are going to be having a baby.

Your DH and ILs need to know/be reminded that althought the baby is the end result, for you, the "having" it is going to be unlike any experience you have previously had, and may possibly change you as much as the baby will (positively in my case).

You are going to be having this baby, you are the most important person in this. Yes your dh will going through his own life-changing experience, but his needs have to come second to yours.

And anything that could make you feel uncomfortably even the slightest, anxious, etc etc, if it can be stopped it should be.

that was very well put downy

NO no no no no. And as someone said, I doubt if they would be allowed to wait on the ward anyway. FWIW when I turned up at the hospital, I didn't give birth til 26hrs later, so quite a long time for them to wait, or are they expecting it to be all done and dusted in a couple of hours, just in time for them to arrive? I definitely DID NOT want to see anyone for the first day atleast.

I also wouldn't want them waiting at my house for when I came home! But then that's entirely up to you, but you won't know how things will go with labour or how you will feel til the time.

The best thing would be for just the 3 of you to spend some time together before seeing anyone, including the ILs.

And Good Luck!

And - although you could have a long labour and be hanging around/sent home etc you could be like me and have it all kick off with a bang and keep going until if finishes.

DP didn't have time to find a phone - there were no longeurs when he would have felt the need of a supportive chat.

Wicked thought - go along with it, get it all planned out - who will ring them, at what stage, when they will arrive, where they will go. And then, babies being what they are, nothing will go according to plan!

Where is the OP hopefully not in labour with her MIL by her side!!!

Hope she shows this thread to her dh!!

YANBU

What everybody else said.

So what does your dh think??

YANBU
Your inlaws have the rest of their lives to be wonderful grandparents. The suggestion of having them stay at your house is more than generous. They can meet the baby once s/he is de-slimed, wrapped up and asleep.

Hope you have a smooth and easy birth. You are dead right, stress will make it harder.

YANBU, the last thing you want is to be worrying about her. What is this obsession with wanting to see the baby as soon as it has been born?

And as for:

'It is her grandchild too and she may well, understandably, be jealous that your mum will be there to see the birth and she wont.'

I'm sorry but the labour is about the mother and her wishes IMO, she is the one going through the incredible agony and vulnerability and if she feels more comfortable with her mum than her MIL then so be it.

And OP as your DH's wishes I refer you to my previous para. You need to know that your DH realises you come first in this scenario, you are not being precious or unreasonable. You come first OK, because to be honest it's the last time you will come first for about 18 years

YANBU. I would draw a clear line as to what is acceptable and not allow them to negotiate it.

My PIL were desperate to see ds1, but we managed to get them to wait until the day we were discharged from the hospital. They then came back to our house and stayed 4 days. Feel sad we never got any time to settle as ourselves. After that we had a constant stream of friends through the door. On a couple of occasions I took off to bed because I just couldn't stand it.
With ds2 PIL were looking after ds1 so were at our house when we got back from the hospital and stayed for 3 weeks and 1 day (he arrived the week before Christmas on the day they came down iyswim). They got upset because I put ds2 to bed after a quick cuddle from them (having been born 10 hours earlier he was comatose and I hadn't slept for nearly 48 hours and needed to switch off, plus I was wary of the night ahead). My heart sank every day when they arrived before we'd come down for breakfast even. (Again very excited.)
With dd they were looking after dses. Stayed for another two weeks (Easter this time!). MIL bought me a pineapple after they'd been here a week to help things along! Got home 6 hours after she was born so dd was comatose, put dd to bed and went to bed (hadn't slept for 36 hours this time) as did dh. Again they got upset. That evening then had to clean the house after them and dses as they'd destroyed it and they were sat on their b**s doing nothing because they were tired!!!!
I don't think I'll ever forget these three incidents and my feelings of resentment about them. Has affected my relationship with them.

My initial thought that was the idea in some people's minds of being around in the hospital during the birth was from watching too many (mostly American) birthing stories on TV. Then I recalled my own mother's behaviour when my sister was pregnant/gave birth (a few weeks before my first was born). This was back in the 1970s and there weren't birthing stories on TV back then. My mother could be very pushy and didn't think visiting times applied to her.

Back then, first time mums (as my sister and I were) stayed in for ten days. Visiting in the evenings was for baby's father only, visiting for others was Thursday and Sunday afternoons only. My sister gave birth to their first grandchild about six weeks before I gave birth. My parents were the first to visit my sister's child (their first grandchild). Just before my firstborn's arrival I told my parents that I had decided that my PILs would be the first to visit me and my firstborn. I pointed out that my PILs were a lot older and had waited a long time for a grandchild - my DH's older brother had been married many years by then, with no children). My mother's reaction was a "cat's bum" look but she complied (a bit of a rarity, that!).

Birth memories, as this triggering of my memory of that time shows, can stay around for a long time. Birthing should be about the person(& partner) who have contributed the most to that pregnancy, and who contributes the most to the birth - everyone else takes second place.

Why on earth did you and your DH not put your feet down after the first time and tell them no? It all just sounds silly and unnecessary. I can be quite blunt and stroppy but I think it's better to tell relatives "no you don't arrive before 11am and we'd like you to go by 5pm so we have time to ourselves and no more than 1 week please" than let them hang about all day and resent them for it years later.
There really is a limit to quite how much excitement a grandparent can get from a newborn surely?
I think my kids have continued to get better as they get older and they are definitely much better company now than they were as newborns (and much less tiring).

YANBU YANBU YANBU YANBU YANBU YANBU

Anything that hinders Serrenos from giving birth or makes the process more prolonged or painful is to be firmly avoided. Hopefully Mr Serennos gets the idea now from reading the virtually unanimous thread from women who know what it's like.

Feeling self conscious about making noise or about being legs akimbo because the ILs are waiting outside the labour room is not on.

Even having them there immediately after the birth is likely to hinder skin-to-skin contact between mother and baby (very good for reassuring the baby/helping establish breastfeeding) & is certainly not putting the needs of mother and baby first; surely they have to be the priority here?

Catering to visitors at this intensely painful, overwhelming and also private time between mother, father and child is not what you should be doing. There is plenty of time later, once out of the hospital. Even actually having them waiting impatiently at your house is to be avoided imo - who wants that pressure of house guests chomping at the bit??

Had my ILs at my hospital bedside after a traumatic labour and 3 hours sleep, smelling, looking and feeling absolutely awful - awkward was not the word. Then had my brother and SIL parked waiting in the drive on the day I arrived home

Second time round, people were instructed invited to visit after we got home and had a night's sleep.

you are being extremely reasonable in letting them stay at your house!

If it was me I would be saying 'we'll see you a week after the baby has been born!' (I did this twice)

Please don't let anyone press gang you into anything you don't want to do, you are the most important person in this situation, you and the baby. You are going to be doing a difficult job, giving birth, and others need to respect your wishes at this time.

Good luck to you, I hope it all goes well

I had to come back as I keep thinking about this!

I told dp and he said "her dh is only really present at the birth to support her - his needs and wants are not particularly relevant"

and

"his role is to PROTECT her from this kind of interference from the inlaws - he needs to start getting used to that before the baby is born"

harsh but fair
bravo mr franny

No no no no no no no no no no!

NO!

Don't call them until your baby is born. Two hours is plenty of time for them to get to the hospital even if your lo arrives in time for visiting hours.