To not want people waiting at the hospital when I deliver?

[Serennos]

Hello everyone, please can you help? I need to know whether IABU (and at 38 weeks pg, I could well be - but I can take it).

Firstly an apology; if this has been done to death, please accept my apologies. I haven't seen another thread that is exactly the same as this one, and if you let me have your opinion, you might help to clear up a touchy subject in my house at the moment.

I am due to give birth for the first time in a couple of weeks (here's hoping); it'll be a hospital birth in a relatively small hospital (post-natal ward has 6 beds), which is about 20-30 mins drive from our home. Both my dh and dm are due to be my birth partners, in part so that I won't be left on my tod if either need a break and the hospital are short staffed.

My mil (with whom I get on just fine) is v. excited at the arrival of another grandchild, and has asked dh to call her when we leave for the hospital so that she and dh's step-dad can make the couple of hours journey from her place to wait at the hospital to see dh (and me and baby, if possible) asap after the birth.

Although it would take her a couple of hours to get to the hospital, and she would have her husband for company, I am concerned that I will have it in the back of my mind that someone is waiting around for hours in the building for me to give birth. If it happens at night, the only waiting place is on the row of 3 seats outside the delivery suite area, and if I decide to holler like a hippo, it might be heard. During the day, they could wait in the cafe areas, but I wouldn't know whether they were outside the delivery suites or not.

I am also not comfortable with the possibility that dh might feel pulled in two directions after the birth (stay with me and baby for as long as possible, assuming that I don't conveniently give birth during visiting times, or feel that he should go out to see his dm because she will have been there for hours waiting for news).

Dh, on the other hand, is thrilled that his dm wants to be there (as am I at the sentiment), would like her there to share the excitement, and to be there as support for him just in case something bad happens. I can understand this, and dh thinks that as she wants to be at the hospital to be as close as possible, and he would like her to be there too, I should be thinking a bit more about his wishes than I am currently.

My compromise is that if mil would like to be closer to us to wait, she would be more than welcome to be at our house, 1/2 hour away from the hospital (if she needs to get there quick), and can have the very first dibs on visiting hours. Although I am pleased that they would like to be there, and have no problem whatsoever with them waiting at our house and visiting as soon as visitng hours come round, I would be uncomfortable with knowing that they were waiting at the hospital because of the reasons above.

Dh does think that I am being unreasonable and that having his dm and step-dad waiting at the hospital is a small thing to ask.

Please help: honestly, AIBU? I am going to show this thread to dh in a while (whatever the consensus is).

Good god that's a long post - if you've reached the bottom, I may have had the baby by now!

Absolutely agree YANBU. It isn't about which set of gps will have more 'rights' its who will be a comfort and support to you while you go through something pretty painful and life changing.

FWIW, my mum was going to be my birth partner with DD but it all happened too quickly and she arrived onto delivery suitye just after DD had been born and before they had started stitching. I still (2.5 years later) feel quite uncomfortable when I remember the look on her face as she saw me in stirrups with blood pouring everywhere. She was not invited to be there that quickly with DS.

I don't really have anything different to say, but have a MNetting compulsion to add my piece!

DD is 9 weeks now, and I had my DM and DH at the birth. I don't really get those who say that MIL should have the same input as a DM, as my DM has seen me through thick and thin and was there to support me not witness the birth of her DGC as such, iyswim? My MIL was a very welcome early visitor (days later though!). I really wanted time to get bfing sorted (haven't quite got there yet!) and to be able to sit down walk round with an icepack between my legs without being observed (fwiw, my DM went home and didn't return for a few days).

I think it is a slight oversight of nature, that men don't get what a big deal labour and birth can be, and how the woman is THE ONLY person who matters one jot until they've witnessed it, by which time all this unfair discussion and stress has occurred. Your PIL, on the other hand, should be remembering it well and keeping well out of the way.

I second all those who say, make them wait in their own house, and keep yours as you want it for your homecoming with PFB. You are not an incubator/host for their grandchild. You are a person who deserves respect and understanding at what will be a difficult/emotional time. (FWIW, my labour and birth were one of the best experiences of my life and I can't wait to do it again, but I still wouldn't want spectators!!)

Really, really hope your DH does read this. Maybe leave it out and about for PILS to accidentally see, that might solve the problem!

Good luck btw!

Yeah I know what people are saying re: coming home to visitors staying in your house. No privacy, no chance to make your own mistakes without comment and criticism. (But I'd still rather that than have them stood waiting outside the delivery room)

TheArcaneMummy, I remember the first bath well, mil was giving it "Oh, I don't like this" "I don't like that bath" "This is a bad idea, don't do it. Why have you got to use that bath? Put him in the kitchen sink" "Let me do it" etc etc etc etc etc!

This was day three and I really wanted to bellow "Fuck off and give me a bloody chance!"

In all honestly I would be just telling him, that I do not want people waiting outside or waiting at all to come and visit me straight after child birth as I would be at my most vulnerable and also dont want people to be coming straight in to see the baby and me in a state, which child birth inevitable does.

YANBU.

I had a c-section last time round, I had a few complications beforehand and everytime I had to go to the hospital to be checked dh would ring mil and she would tag along. It made me very uncomfortable as she insisted on holding my hand all the time like I was a child and even accompanied me to the toilet, she even wanted to hold the bed pan thing for me when I had to do a urine sample but I drew the line at that!

This time round the plan is that I will have a VBAC. The other day on the phone she mentioned that she had packed her hospital bag (I still have 2.5 months to go!) I was taken aback so I didn't say anything. There is no way I want her in the delivery suite with me, and I don't want anyone waiting in the waiting room either, it is just too intrusive.

OP come back and tell us what your unreasonable DH says after reading this!

YANBU. Everyone has said it already but I'll add my bit anyway - labour is hugely personal. You don't need the pressure of satisfying the ILs need to see their DGC immediately. They can wait.

It took me a while to get my DH used to the idea that whilst it was our child, it was my labour so my needs came first. No compromises! Your DH needs to understand this as, has been repeated many a time, it's your body, your fanjo!!!!

2rebecca and JamesAndTheGiantBanana

Yes, apparently there is a special way! Not my way, which was just dunk him in the bath and then splash water over him to get him clean, face and eyes first ofc, no, that is wrong!! My Moms' way involved swaddling, washing hair over bath, with baby resting along one arm etc. I personally could not be bothered with that! I just chucked them in, and figured it got them used to it, and neither one of them now have any problems with water being sloshed over their hair and face.

Was even worse with DD as we had a tummy tub for her!!! I did actually get gasps of horror that time!

YANBU

Once you go into labour, I would imagine that your DH will be so busy worrying about you that he'll forget to call them anyway! I went into labour at 9:30pm on a Friday night. DS was breech and I finally had a c-section at 4am. If you have your baby in the middle of the night, are they really going to want to be driving for hours in the dark???

Sounds like madness. TBH, I would just "forget" to call them until you're ready. Once they see their grandchild, they'll forget to be cross about it!

YANBU

It might be a difficult conversation to have, but you have to explain to your DH how you feel, and get him to tell his parents. The most important person on the day is you. You have to be in the best state of mind to give birth and worrying about in-laws in the corridor (as lovely as they are) will not help.

With our first, my MIL managed to get the number of the nurses desk and phoned every hour of my 12 hour stay on ante-natal ward and then phoned delivery suite constantly whilst I was in the delivery room, pushing! I swore then that we shouldn't have told anyone we were going into hospital. Talk about pestering phonecalls!

With our second we phoned AFTER the birth!

yanbu. I second those who have suggested you 'forget' to call them until after the babt has arrived.

They most likely wont be allowed into the room/corridor when its so delicate, my hospital was via entry phone and there is NO WAY that there were people outside listening to the screams. Not at all unreasonable to say that as first time labours can take a long time, you dont feel comfortable having them wait indefinately. call when baby is out then you have 2 hours grace, may be longer if its born at 2 am.

YANBU, its a scary time and this is an extra stress you dont need, just agree with DH that he will call them then the baby is born and you have been cleaned up

good luck!!!!!

TBH, especialy with a irst baby, not oly did I want JUSt my Dh there with me, i only wanted DH around at home as well. All for visiting at hospital etc, but the first few days you get home ar something special, getting your rhythm etc, and you cant get that time back. Panderig to others just ruins it for you and makes you more stressed!! What if you are struggling to feed, you will be SHATTERED once the birth hormones wear off, afterwards is fine you can be awake for ours, but then youcrash!!

Please show this thread to your DH. Honestly most of us have no idea beforehand quite how intense the whole childbirth experience is.

I had normal straightforward births for both of my babies but I was still quite shaken by the experience. You need privacy and quiet in the hours following a birth.

As a few people have said the simple physical feeling of not wanting your baby to be held by other people can be quite strong. You need some time to gather yourself have some skin to skin with the baby and so on.

If your PIL are actually at the hospital (which I doubt they will allow) you will feel pressured to let them in. You need to do things at your own pace.

Birth is exciting but it is also intensely emotional and private for most of us. The moment when the midwives, nurses, etc leave the room and let you and the father have a good look at your baby ON YOUR OWN is hugely important and special. As you say you do not want your DH pulled in two directions and pressured to go and see his parents.

A friend of mine had a bad experience where the extended family were at the hospital, her DH wandered away with the baby and when my friend got to her room her MIL was holding the baby which she had hardly got a chance to hold herself. My friend was (rightly) very very upset by this and thinks it may have contributed to her finding it hard to bond with her baby in the first few days.

I think normally hospitals are vigilant about this sort of thing but mistakes do happen.

Also as others have said I don't know that it is even a good idea for your PIL to wait at your house. You could have a slow labour, get sent back home because you are in false labour, etc.

If they are 2 hours away that gives them plenty of time to get to the hospital once the baby is born IMO. It might make them feel better to be closer though (although this isn't really about them, it is about YOU).

AIBU or very rarely unanimous but I'll bet this one is going to continue to be.

From a professional viewpoint, having a patients family present outside or phoning constantly is a major pita. Not only is the birthing partner called away to give updates, but quite frequently the midwife will be hassled for reassurance and updates at regular intervals too. Not good when our primary focus should be providing optimum care for the labouring woman.

From a personal viewpoint, a close fiend had the same problem a few months ago. Her MIL wanted to be present at the delivery so she could be the first person to see the baby (her own admission). Needless to say MIL was refused all offers to be birth partner. However, she turned up during the labour and waltzed into the room as friend was being stitched. My friend is so bitter about this and it is greatly affecting her relationship both with her DP and MIl.

Not at all unreasonable. I had an elective section with DD and we did not tell a soul when it was. DH made phone calls announcing DD's birth immediately afterwards.

I would just like to add that the quiet time after the birth is also time for the father to bond with the newborn. When DS1 was born, DH spent a long time holding him and just looking at him while I was being stitched. He said he wanted to "learn" him. DS2 came along by emergency cs and again DH wanted quiet time with him as well as making sure I was OK.

DH is very close to his mother, but would not have wanted her there at that point.

Neume, exactly the same happened with our two. I will always remember DH sitting there with his newborn son (both times) just gazing at him for hours. A special time.

( I was being put back together both times...)

i think part of your problem here is that you're having your mum with you as well as your dh. this has kind of given your dh the idea that parents should be involved. he's going to be mightily cross if you can have your mum there for support but he can't have his.

i just had dh with me, and we rang people as soon as the babies were born. we had no hospital visitors at all. and we told people when they could come to the house to see us. PILs looked after dd when ds was born, 9 wks ago, and they brought her to the hospital, dh met them in the car park and they went home while dh brought dd up to see me and ds.

ruddy - I think the OP's wish to have her mother (who has no doubt loved and supported her throughout all her ups and downs in life and will be of much help both emotionally and practically)at the birth for support outweighs the risk that the MIL feels a bit left out tbh.

ruddy - how on earth can that be the cause of any part of this problem? The OP's DH would have to be pretty thick to not understand the difference in relationship between his wife and her mother as opposed to his wife and his mother. And his mother would have to be thick or insensate not to understand that, as well.

I can't imagine that's the case; I'm sure it's more that, as someone said earlier, he just doesn't understand what's involved in giving birth and so can't appreciate the OP's needs as much as the rest of us. Which is why he should bow to her greater wisdom and let her have things her way.

With DS one of my 'aunts who aren't aunts' informed me that she would be present at the birth. Now. As if that alone weren't objectionable enough, she is actually a horrible, horrible woman who terrified the crap out of us when she looked after us as children. She was horrible to my mother (she was my father's friend and didn't see the need to get on with 'the wife' ) and once said to me that she didn't enjoy the company of women - how bloody abnormal is that? Though it did explain a thing or two, I can tell you. So anyway, this hideous old bint assumed that because my mother is dead and she herself is an ex-midwife and has known me since I was knee-high, etc, that she had a right to be present during my labour. Frankly I'd rather have been run over by a herd of wildebeest.

Needless to say I graciously ignored her 'helpful' offer. If I'd had her around the stress hormones alone would've kept my baby so firmly stuck up my womb that I'd have ended up with a C-section.

It's completely up to you. I had my parents there both times, and that was fine by me. But visitors in hosp (that I know and love) are also fine by me. Luckily FIL didn't arrive until day 3 the first time, and week 6 the second time!

YANBU.

For us, it's DH insisting that my mum has DS so she knows but no one else knows until baby arrives. I suspect he'll be panicky and excited so he'll tell everyone but he says otherwise.

I think they should wait elsewhere rather than hovering- but if it goes on for hours they probably pack up their sandwiches and sod off.

They are probably trying to be supportive.

also you could give birth at 3am when there are absolutely no facilities open at the hosp for them. I'm sure they'd soon go off the idea of wanting to hang around then

speedy- i'm trying to see it from the dh's point of view. if the op wasn't having her mother there then he maybe wouldn't be wanting his there.