To not want people waiting at the hospital when I deliver?

[Serennos]

Hello everyone, please can you help? I need to know whether IABU (and at 38 weeks pg, I could well be - but I can take it).

Firstly an apology; if this has been done to death, please accept my apologies. I haven't seen another thread that is exactly the same as this one, and if you let me have your opinion, you might help to clear up a touchy subject in my house at the moment.

I am due to give birth for the first time in a couple of weeks (here's hoping); it'll be a hospital birth in a relatively small hospital (post-natal ward has 6 beds), which is about 20-30 mins drive from our home. Both my dh and dm are due to be my birth partners, in part so that I won't be left on my tod if either need a break and the hospital are short staffed.

My mil (with whom I get on just fine) is v. excited at the arrival of another grandchild, and has asked dh to call her when we leave for the hospital so that she and dh's step-dad can make the couple of hours journey from her place to wait at the hospital to see dh (and me and baby, if possible) asap after the birth.

Although it would take her a couple of hours to get to the hospital, and she would have her husband for company, I am concerned that I will have it in the back of my mind that someone is waiting around for hours in the building for me to give birth. If it happens at night, the only waiting place is on the row of 3 seats outside the delivery suite area, and if I decide to holler like a hippo, it might be heard. During the day, they could wait in the cafe areas, but I wouldn't know whether they were outside the delivery suites or not.

I am also not comfortable with the possibility that dh might feel pulled in two directions after the birth (stay with me and baby for as long as possible, assuming that I don't conveniently give birth during visiting times, or feel that he should go out to see his dm because she will have been there for hours waiting for news).

Dh, on the other hand, is thrilled that his dm wants to be there (as am I at the sentiment), would like her there to share the excitement, and to be there as support for him just in case something bad happens. I can understand this, and dh thinks that as she wants to be at the hospital to be as close as possible, and he would like her to be there too, I should be thinking a bit more about his wishes than I am currently.

My compromise is that if mil would like to be closer to us to wait, she would be more than welcome to be at our house, 1/2 hour away from the hospital (if she needs to get there quick), and can have the very first dibs on visiting hours. Although I am pleased that they would like to be there, and have no problem whatsoever with them waiting at our house and visiting as soon as visitng hours come round, I would be uncomfortable with knowing that they were waiting at the hospital because of the reasons above.

Dh does think that I am being unreasonable and that having his dm and step-dad waiting at the hospital is a small thing to ask.

Please help: honestly, AIBU? I am going to show this thread to dh in a while (whatever the consensus is).

Good god that's a long post - if you've reached the bottom, I may have had the baby by now!

FrannyandZooey

We do seem to be singing from the same songsheet on this one, don't we.

Just to add I don't think you should feel bad about your MIL being 'left out' cos your mum is being a BP.

Bit of a difference between your mum being there as you push a camel through the eye of a needle and your MIL.

Personally I could cope with my mum inadvertently seeing up my chuff - but my MIL? No thanks!

Stick with who you want - it is your labour, let your MIL be included when it's her daughter giving birth....and if she only had boys that's tough but that's life!!

I read this to my dh. He laughed. YANBU, and any right-minded man would see that.

Of course, I'm now worried that you're getting negative views of labour. I can say that with all 3 it was an amazing experience. BUt not one that I'd want to experience in front of anyone other than trained staff and dh!

It's lovely that the prospective grandparents are so excited about you giving birth and meeting their new grandchild but I agree with everyone else - YANBU. This is just not a sensible or practical approach. And tbh I doubt hospitals have ever been keen on stray relatives cluttering up the waiting areas, even in your MIL's day.

Maybe MIL is feeling a bit left out as your Mum is your birth partner but tbh that's just the deal when you have a son not a daughter, (I have a ds and am certainly NOT anticipating hanging around at the birth of any of his children, should I be lucky enough to be a Granny one day!)

Suspect neither dh nor his parents have really thought this through - it's probably lovely but misguided over-enthusiasm rather than anything more worrying. BUT they do need to be told. Check the hospital's policy on visitors, ask your midwife or something, and let dh and the ILs know.

Also, the other posters are right about the fact that it is the wishes of the labouring woman that are paramount. Women need whatever they need in labour (and you have no idea until it happens how you will feel). Interference or anything that makes you feel anxious can inhibit labour. e.g. even things like bright lights that can't be turned down can have an effect - we are animals, after all, and most animals go somewhere dark and quiet and safe to give birth.

Btw, I had both my sisters with me when I gave birth to ds, as well as dh (wasn't planned that way, it just kind of happened). Neither had any children themselves at that point, and I think in places it was quite frightening for them. Mind you, at the time I really couldn't have given a flying fuck about who was there, or have noticed the first thing about what THEY were going through, was very much in my own world.

Definitely get him to call as soon as you have your first contraction and have them waiting three days in the waiting are, they will rue the day!

YANBU. I'm due in 6 weeks and don't want any visitors apart from DH until we are back at home and settled. I might change my mind but that is the default position.

People who say 'you should think of how to make others feel included and make room for their wishes too' make me angry. You are giving birth, not throwing a dinner party; what you say goes. DH would never dream of anything else.

I had my mum and ex-partner there when I was giving birth to my first child - must be an exhibitionist .

On reflection, as much as I love my mum, I would not have her there again. She was not there for the birth of my twins and she will not be there for the birth of this baby. We ended up having an argument mid-labour, because she thought I was getting 'too het up' . Plus the doctor I had was vile. I love my mum to absolute bits but it was awful having to pacify her, ignore my ex-partner whinging that he was hungry blah blah. It was like something out of Shameless

Enough said.

OP, just ran your AIBU past my DH - partly because I had to ask him when we called his parents/my parents (post-delivery, when I/DS were asleep and DH had returned home).

His opinion is that your DH is a mummy's boy and that he needs to take on board that he is about to become a father and needs to "move up a generation" (not the most precise of phrases, but I get his gist).

I have rarely seen him so scathing about another man in an AIBU.

YANBU.

YANBU!!

YANBU.

If you feel inhibited it may make labour even harder, leading to intervention, complications etc. Tell him that. If he is willing to put your and your baby's health at risk for a stupid reason then he's a twat. Can't you get someone else, maybe a professional like GP or midwife to tell him it's a very bad idea to make a labouring woman uncomfortable.

If it was me I would absolutely put my foot down and tell him if he tries to let them in too soon after the birth I'll have them removed.

You've offered a perfect compromise - your MIL and stepFIL would be far more comfortable at your house and you'd be more comfortable with that arrangement too. I hope your dh will see this.

No no NO! YANBU in the slightest! This is the one time when you have the right to demand that people do things your way. Your MIL has already had children so she should be a lot more sensitive than that! She's clearly not thinking of your needs here, is she?

Don't feel that you have to give a true/ rational explanation of your feelings to anyone. Just tell your DH (and his mother) that you do not feel happy about having anyone come before you feel ready, and you can't possibly know how you'll feel until after the birth itself. That's all they need to know, and if they don't like it, tough. YOU are the one who will be running this marathon, not them, so their job is to support you in the way that's best for YOU, not THEM.

She should only visit you in hospital if you genuinely feel you're ready to have her there; she should NOT under any circumstances visit you on Day 3 after the birth as that's when the Baby Blues kicks in and you'll be tearful and emotional. You can dictate the rules here, so do it.

Oooh, I'm so angry on your behalf, Serennos.

"It does make me sad when MIL's don't get the same 'rights' as mothers in things like this!"

That anyone would think of "their rights" rather than what would make a labouring mother more comfortable makes my head spin.

I understand that ILs may feel excited, and don't want to be left out. They do get to be grandparents, but they don't get to be their daughter-in-law's parents - and immediately post-labour you're really only in a state you're happy for your own family and DH/P to see.

yanbu - i know exactly where you are coming from

I can't find my thread from August, twas a similar situation (no mum tho)amd it caused a row in the last coupla weeks.

the compromise reached which worked well was my mil at home and i was very grateful to her for looking after lo 24hrs later with my dh so i could catch a few zzzzz for an hour or so.

a mnetter gave me the line which went something along the lines of " they weren't stood outside the door waiting on the time of conception to rush in and congratulate - so why do they have to be outside the delivery suite?"

I know it doesn't sound a big hospital . I gave birth at a big city hospital . I was sat in the waiting area to be admitted to labour ward feeling nauseous and having almighty braxton hicks ( it turned out). Twas most disconcerting as they were busy to hear the odd scream as a door opened and also most annoying to sit with people bitching and coming out to a relative ( teen girl waiting as presumabably dm came out and said grrr I'm gonna kill that bitch of mw , I'm gonna sue , she won't let you your sis and the baby for two mins ... bla bla bla swear swear..) I threw up in the bowl the receptionist had given me - the result was this woman shut up and I was escorted through!

My DH, who was shaken to his very core by the whole labour experience last year says YAdefNBU. And he said it quite loud!!

fwiw I agree with him!

If it were me I wouldn't even let them wait at my house - I'd want to come home to my own home as I want it to be! Let them visit you a day or two after you get home - you need time to settle in, FGS. And whatever well-meaning phrases your MIL may come up with like 'to help you out', etc etc - unless you actually want HER there, do not feel obliged in any way to let her come round until you are ready.

And don't let her take over/ hold your baby longer than you want her to/ order you about with regard to how to wash/ feed/ cuddle/ get baby to sleep, etc. You are not a fool; your brain doesn't disappear when you give birth, and you can work this stuff out very well by yourself - and you NEED to develop trust in your own instincts and your own way of being a mother.

Sorry, am ranting now but I imagine that a MIL who could make such a request without considering her DS and DDIL's needs will be a bit on the bossy side - I hope I'm wrong.

I want the OP back - she said she'd show her DH the thread...

er sorry just read my post back - didn't think for mo your mum will annoy or swear near other visitors necessarily!

YANBU! My mates kept calling DP when I was in the early stages of labour. I really am a people person usually, but even for me I felt like my privacy was being invaded. On about the 3rd call I took the phone off DP, hung it up and and switched it off!

My best mate actually turned up at the hospital when I was in the later stages of labour! DP told her to go away basically, and didn't tell me she'd turned up till the next day. I'm really glad he didn't tell me she was outside, I would have found it really off putting to know people were waiting outside.

Offering to put them up at your house and let them visit first is a lovely idea (as long as they then go away after - if that's what you want)

Agreed, Katisha. Plus, she needs to see that rarest of things - an AIBU thread where pretty much everyone is in complete and utter agreement!

ooh i found it!
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/805398-to-just-want-dh-and-the-PFB-to-myself-in?reverse =1

You definitely aren't being unreasonable, I agree with whoever said that it's like a load of people waiting outside the bathroom door listening for sounds and news while you're trying to have a poo. I would hate this, and it would probably stress me out to the point where things would start to stall.

And also with greatest respect I agree with whoever said that your husband might be a little naive about what labour actually involves. (I got the distinct impression my dp thought it'd be no more involved than having a tooth removed)

As everyone has said, it may involve a lot of false starts, waiting, it could be traumatic (Obviously I hope it won't be for you!) or end in intervention or a section. And even the best, smoothest births are still a private matter, and you still end up sore and bloody and leaky and lying there afterwards with your tits out for hours trying to perfect your baby's latch.

Asking for a little time to have a shower, make yourself decent, eat something and recover before seeing visitors is not too much to ask after you've done one of the most taxing things you ever have to do.

YA so NBU! Bear in mind that the first time you go into hospital you could well be sent home again if not yet far enough along (or if things slow down when you get there, which can often happen), and would then potentially have MIL hanging round the house while you are in labour. And even once you get admitted to hospital it could still be 24-48 hours before baby is out, and possibly several more hours before you feel ready to see anyone, especially if there are any complications. What makes MIL think it will just "pop out" in 2 hours?

Also if things are going slowly you WILL feel under pressure if there are people waiting for you. My DS was stuck and not progressing, but as we had no great time pressure we were able to give it several hours of "waiting time" to give him a chance to appear naturally rather than going for CS (though did end up with one) - but I would have hated to feel we had to hurry due to people waiting, or that DH was running in and out giving people updates!

And if he still doesn't see things your way after reading this thread, ask your dh if he'd like your mum to be outside the room ready to come in any minute while he had his balls clenched progressively harder and harder every two minutes for 14 hours, and then had a nice big public poo the size of a cat.

I bet he'd be really pleased to see her straight afterwards!