To not want people waiting at the hospital when I deliver?

[Serennos]

Hello everyone, please can you help? I need to know whether IABU (and at 38 weeks pg, I could well be - but I can take it).

Firstly an apology; if this has been done to death, please accept my apologies. I haven't seen another thread that is exactly the same as this one, and if you let me have your opinion, you might help to clear up a touchy subject in my house at the moment.

I am due to give birth for the first time in a couple of weeks (here's hoping); it'll be a hospital birth in a relatively small hospital (post-natal ward has 6 beds), which is about 20-30 mins drive from our home. Both my dh and dm are due to be my birth partners, in part so that I won't be left on my tod if either need a break and the hospital are short staffed.

My mil (with whom I get on just fine) is v. excited at the arrival of another grandchild, and has asked dh to call her when we leave for the hospital so that she and dh's step-dad can make the couple of hours journey from her place to wait at the hospital to see dh (and me and baby, if possible) asap after the birth.

Although it would take her a couple of hours to get to the hospital, and she would have her husband for company, I am concerned that I will have it in the back of my mind that someone is waiting around for hours in the building for me to give birth. If it happens at night, the only waiting place is on the row of 3 seats outside the delivery suite area, and if I decide to holler like a hippo, it might be heard. During the day, they could wait in the cafe areas, but I wouldn't know whether they were outside the delivery suites or not.

I am also not comfortable with the possibility that dh might feel pulled in two directions after the birth (stay with me and baby for as long as possible, assuming that I don't conveniently give birth during visiting times, or feel that he should go out to see his dm because she will have been there for hours waiting for news).

Dh, on the other hand, is thrilled that his dm wants to be there (as am I at the sentiment), would like her there to share the excitement, and to be there as support for him just in case something bad happens. I can understand this, and dh thinks that as she wants to be at the hospital to be as close as possible, and he would like her to be there too, I should be thinking a bit more about his wishes than I am currently.

My compromise is that if mil would like to be closer to us to wait, she would be more than welcome to be at our house, 1/2 hour away from the hospital (if she needs to get there quick), and can have the very first dibs on visiting hours. Although I am pleased that they would like to be there, and have no problem whatsoever with them waiting at our house and visiting as soon as visitng hours come round, I would be uncomfortable with knowing that they were waiting at the hospital because of the reasons above.

Dh does think that I am being unreasonable and that having his dm and step-dad waiting at the hospital is a small thing to ask.

Please help: honestly, AIBU? I am going to show this thread to dh in a while (whatever the consensus is).

Good god that's a long post - if you've reached the bottom, I may have had the baby by now!

Sorry - haven't read the whole thread so sorry if repeating something someone else has already said -
BUT - can't you talk to your midwife at an ante-natal appointment, explain the situation and ask her/him what the hospital rules are. My feeling is that s/he will side with you and tell you in no uncertain terms that due to swine flu/security risks (ad lib from here) no relatives are allowed to linger in the wards outside visiting hours.

Then you will be able to tell your MIL/PIL that, regretfully, your original plan is the best one. No feelings hurt.

Lawks a mercy! YAsoooooNBU.

Can I suggest you sit outside the bathroom door everytime you husband goes for a poo for a week? Purely to give him a taste of what he's suggesting

I didn't even really want DH at the birth - he was purely there to do manly things with hot water for the birthing pool (home birth) and empty the bucket when I threw up.

There is no way I'd want PIL standing just outside in the corridor. Tell DH the hospital says no if he continues being a pratt. You could get your MW involved - they love a family drama

I wouldn't want them at the house, but also wouldn't want more than 1 person with me in labour suite, usually husband.
2 hours is no distance at all away. I'd tell husband to tell them they'll be rang at a reasonable hour after the birth and can see you at visiting time. 2 hours should be plenty of time to get there.
I agree that having MIL see you tired, blood stained and seminaked is different to your own mum seeing you like that. If my MIL had been that pushy I'd have resented her for ages for being so selfish and my husband for not standing up to her.
Babies look alot cuter after a few hours anyway. What's the rush.
When my son gets married and has kids I'm not going to be chomping at the bit to see the baby the second it pops out. Doing things my DIL's way so I have a good relationship with her and get to know my grandkids when they are old enough to recognise me is far more important than an early glimpse of a newborn that looks much the same as any other grimy newborn.

2rebecca: "When my son gets married and has kids I'm not going to be chomping at the bit to see the baby the second it pops out." Quite. I will, of course, be desperate to see my grandchildren, but am not so self-centred as to barge my way into my children's most private and precious moments.

YANBU

I agree with all these wonderful comments.

One more: Personally, I wouldn't want to be thinking about having the house and spare room (if you've got one) being all ready for the PIL to come and stay. You don't need anything else to think about except YOU and your labour. I agree with asking them to stay in their own home until they get the call that the baby is actually born.

I would also like to stress the importance of you feeling that your husband is looking after your wishes at this time ie at 38 weeks pregnant, and not his mother's wishes FFS.

Good luck, I would be stressed out too by all this. Please come back and tell us what your DH said in the face of all this support for you. I do hope it has made him more aware of the situation.

They only live 2 hours away, not in Australia. Why on earth do they need to come and stay at your house so they can "get there quicker ?" Are they some sort of obstetric tag team ? It's not as if the baby disappears after 12 hours, is it ?
It's totally ridiculous and you are definitely NBU.

when i was in labour for 24 hours with my first. i ended up being put under a general and having an emergency cesarean. my selfish, bastard (now ex-husband) let my then mother in law and sister in law hold and see my son before I did. He is now seven and this still upsets me as much now as it did then.

One of the many reasons I divorced him.

So i would say you have absoultey every right to say who is there and who isn't. yanbu

Echo some of the views on here that when the time comes, anyone waiting outside will be the last thing on your mind!
If she wants to wait around for hours, that's her problem, a bit uncomfortable but understandable, she wants to see her grandchild.
I had my mum, sister and dad waiting outside for about 12 hours! They came in periodically to see me, and I didn't care about the mess, dignity out the window! I know it's different cos it's my family not in-laws but I never in a million years thought I would want them there.
It's obviously worrying you now, so I would just say " I will have enough to worry about, and i don't want to worry about you waiting for me, please understand that it is all new, but you will get to see the baby as soon as you can, but it might be more comfortable at our house"

Honestly, you won't care when it comes to it!

skinsl, yeah when she's pumped full of labour hormones she won't care who's there, because that's how nature helps us to focus on the task at hand. It's why we get naked in labour too and agree to an army of student doctors witnessing us being stitched up.

But it's got nothing to do with actual preferences before or after labour. There's things that happened in my first birth which I cringe about now, or find traumatic because it's something I would never usually do. And at least those things only happened around hospital staff and my dp, and not random members of his family. The very least you can do to ensure you get some measure of dignity is to be only be surrounded by people you trust to see you at your worst. During and after the birth.

Catchymonkey that's awful, poor you. I bet he never understood your reasoning either.

I can only echo the sentiments of everyone else!

My waters broke during a pub Sunday lunch with all the inlaws - including grandpa and uncle. luckily not a gush - they still don't know and I will never tell them.

After being admitted to hospital, it was two and a half days before I actually gave birth. Not so comfortable for those waiting.

I also agree with those who say that, while having PIL wait at your house is a good compromise, it also means coming home to your house that isn't quite yours - and how long might they stay after? If your DH thinks you are being slightly unreasonable in not wanting them at the hospital, will he think you are being unreasonable when you want them to leave after two weeks?

Haven't read all the thread sorry if anyone has said this before.

I live in France and here they keep you in the delivery room for 2 hours after the birth 'under observation'. I actually think the real reason is to let you get your breath back, feed the baby, bond a bit, take a couple of photos with your DH, etc. There is NO WAY they would let anyone else in at this point.

After the two hours you are moved to a room and given that wonderful tea and toast. They won't let anyone in until you have finished and had another go at feeding the baby.

All this gives you time to phone people once the baby has been born and they still have about three hours to get there. There would be no point waiting at the hospital.

My MIL was gagging to see DD2 (she was looking after DD1 so knew when I went into labour). DD2 was born about midday and MIL wasn't let in by the midwife until about half past three.

I think this is a very sensible system, do you know if the hospital you are going to does anything similar?

Whilst I think it is possible that in labour you won't actually care who is waiting where or doing what I agree that the idea of people waiting for you to have your baby is intrusive.

Good luck!

Also with DD2 I was happier for MIL to arrive fairly quickly than I was with DD1. Something about being second time round meant I was ready to face people quicker, and I wanted to see DD1.

DD1 was born at 8PM and I didn't have any visitors until the next day about 10AM. With a first baby I would have hated having people earlier as I needed that time with DH and the baby.

YANBU - agree with what someone else said below. I had a LOT of bleeding - it was all over the sheets for a couple of days and I was in quite a lot of pain certainly for the first day and could hardly walk. The thought that I would have been in this state with people waiting to come into the room would have horrified me

Accept that some people think it's sad that a mil doesn't appear to have the same 'rights'. But after all, our mothers have known us since birth and have seen much worse, so it's completely natural to find it comforting to have your own mother with you through this, without it feeling like an invasion of privacy at all

We didn't tell anyone (I was induced and both sets of parents live over 3 hours away). Had ds and phoned them both within the hour (or so) Then dp went home (9.00 at night). In-laws turned up the next day (knew they would - my MIL would have sat in the hospital whilst I was in labour if she had known...) My mum didn't see ds until I came out of hospital 5 days later......

Yanbu at all - your choice completely. It sounds like people have watching too many tv births where people gather and baby is born within 1/2 hour of arriving at hospital and then mum looks glamorous after

Several suggestions from my pov...

1. You get dh to ring the hospital/birth unit and ask about visitors waiting etc that way he can hear from the horses mouth that they don't encourage it.(which they won't)
2. My Mil lives 4 hrs away and like you was desperate to see new baby asap but not to the same extent as yours. Here was what we did . We rang both mums when I started having contractions, 2 days (!!) later I went to the hospital. We rang MIL who got on train to our house, she let herself in, did some cleaning, did some freezer cooking and when dh staggered home 2 days (!!) later at 5am cos the hospital had kicked him out after birth. MIL did her mothering bit - fed him, made sure he got rest, fielded phone calls etc. Then the next day they both came up in visiting hours.

So dh and I got the privacy we needed with birth, MIL felt wanted and needed and got to see baby asap (they wouldn't have let her in at 2am when dd was born) and everyone was happy. You don't know how long or traumatic your birth will be. I guess people like to feel involved and needed - if you can convince your MIL that she would be far more use at home preparing things that maybe the way to go... Sorry that was long!

YANBU

OP- you have reminded me of Ds's birth. Firstly, I was admitted for long and potentially invasive tests during pregnancy. Staff were lovely but another woman's HUGE extended family were just outside the curtains (I was in a side bay of a bigger ward) waiting to see if she was going to be OK. I found it very intrusive and it must have been awful for her.

Anyway, a few months later, I was wheeled out of the delivery suite at high speed for EC and guess who was there?

Yes -the VERY SAME HUGE extended family waiting for their relative - who was making quite a lot of noise, poor lady.

They were all agog at me and the commotion surrounding me -they were getting me to sign forms at high speed whilst rushing down the corridor. This time I didn't have time to be cross.

The next few days in the labour ward, this family were constantly coming in and out, great hoards of them in the corridors.

Me and Dh saw more of them than our own friends and relatives

Good luck BTW

YANBU I wouldnt like people waiting. I didnt let anyone visit until the next visiting times (about 12 - 16 hours after each birth). I just felt tired, was bleeding and wanted to sit very still not be fussing over visitors. They do not let visitors in apart from at set times anyway - even fathers have to go home once you get sent to the ward. I would be upset if my MIL heard me giving birth and my husband reliably tells me that pretty much everyone in the hospital heard me so she def would have in the waiting area!

YANBU

At the end of the day it is you that is giving birth and your wishes should be respected.

You have offered a more than acceptable compromise so they can either like it or leave it!

Have you talked to the PIL yourself and explained how you feel. They might be very understanding. At the moment they are just going by what their DS (your DP) say's and they might not even realised that he hasn't even asked you first.

When I had Ds, I didn't tell anyone until the day after we got home that I had had him. God it was lovely!

I am late to this thread but would say your idea to have them wait at the house is brilliant. If you call them once you go to hospital you could be there for hours, as could they. If they are only half an hour away your DH can phone them when things are getting close and can still be there very soon after the birth. Anything that might cause you stress, worry or concern is best avoided. Good luck.

YANBU

i had my mom and dh there for my first, mainly as i was worried how dh would handle it on his own!! and i wanted my mom there tbh. She wasnt for my second, as she couldnt get the time to be there (she lives a fair way away) so it was just dh.

Tbh I would not want them at my house either! id be worrying about making the place spotless ( indeed, 3 days before my due date with my second, i was tidying up in expectation of the ils being there in a cpl of days and staying for a week or so, and just had to move the sofa and sweep underneath, and went into labour a couple of hours later!) With my second I was happy for them to be there, as I knew they would take my DS out a lot and keep him occupied and lavish him with attention, and I was much more relaxed about the whole thing.

And who knows how long they will then stay once they are there? If you are trying to establish breastfeeding, how will you manage then, i could not even bf in front of my dh at first, untill i got the hang of it. i lived upstairs with the baby for the first week. You do not need people there giving out comments like "is baby hungry again"! not to mention, you will be bleeding, leaking milk, aching, emotional.

It is also very difficult to answer questions when the midwife comes around to your house and she is asking about bowel movements etc, and you have an audience!!

YANBU. I told everyone that I wasn't allowed visitors until 24 hours after the birth because of hospital rules, then when I found that I actually felt ok, I asked DP to ring them and tell them they could come earlier. With DD1 everyone piled into the recovery room (emergency section) where I was still in shock and full of drugs and started pawing at my new baby within an hour or so of her being born, so i wanted to make sure me, DP and the new baby could have some time to gather our thoughts and have a cuddle.

BTW if they DO choose to wait at the house, hope they are handy with a mop and bucket. For my third delivery my waters broke at home, first in the bed, then all over my new bedroom carpet (gush, hush).

Rushed off to deliver and DM kindly cleared up the mess. Would MiL be so willing??

I'm sure that with swine flu and the winter vomiting bug, they won't even let your PIL hang around, especially in the delivery ward.

I can only echo other posters in having a word with the hospital and then have DH let his parents know.

Good luck with the birth

oh, and even though my mom was there for DS, she went home, then came back 4 days later with my dad, and stayed about 4 days, which I could have done without! I never forget giving DS a bath, and she just took over, took DS off me, and then carried on to give me a lesson on how to bath him the correct way! Ok, so i may not have been doing it the "correct way" but he was getting clean!

Am amazed she can remember the "correct" way to bathe a baby that long after having them. I can't, after the first few days you just bathe them in the same way you do yourself though and apart from doing face first just slosh the water about a bit, don't you?
It's not exactly difficult. The material chair sling thing you put in the bath to keep them still when tiny was great.
With baby1 the midwife went over bathing with us and I can't remember any of it.