To not want people waiting at the hospital when I deliver?

[Serennos]

Hello everyone, please can you help? I need to know whether IABU (and at 38 weeks pg, I could well be - but I can take it).

Firstly an apology; if this has been done to death, please accept my apologies. I haven't seen another thread that is exactly the same as this one, and if you let me have your opinion, you might help to clear up a touchy subject in my house at the moment.

I am due to give birth for the first time in a couple of weeks (here's hoping); it'll be a hospital birth in a relatively small hospital (post-natal ward has 6 beds), which is about 20-30 mins drive from our home. Both my dh and dm are due to be my birth partners, in part so that I won't be left on my tod if either need a break and the hospital are short staffed.

My mil (with whom I get on just fine) is v. excited at the arrival of another grandchild, and has asked dh to call her when we leave for the hospital so that she and dh's step-dad can make the couple of hours journey from her place to wait at the hospital to see dh (and me and baby, if possible) asap after the birth.

Although it would take her a couple of hours to get to the hospital, and she would have her husband for company, I am concerned that I will have it in the back of my mind that someone is waiting around for hours in the building for me to give birth. If it happens at night, the only waiting place is on the row of 3 seats outside the delivery suite area, and if I decide to holler like a hippo, it might be heard. During the day, they could wait in the cafe areas, but I wouldn't know whether they were outside the delivery suites or not.

I am also not comfortable with the possibility that dh might feel pulled in two directions after the birth (stay with me and baby for as long as possible, assuming that I don't conveniently give birth during visiting times, or feel that he should go out to see his dm because she will have been there for hours waiting for news).

Dh, on the other hand, is thrilled that his dm wants to be there (as am I at the sentiment), would like her there to share the excitement, and to be there as support for him just in case something bad happens. I can understand this, and dh thinks that as she wants to be at the hospital to be as close as possible, and he would like her to be there too, I should be thinking a bit more about his wishes than I am currently.

My compromise is that if mil would like to be closer to us to wait, she would be more than welcome to be at our house, 1/2 hour away from the hospital (if she needs to get there quick), and can have the very first dibs on visiting hours. Although I am pleased that they would like to be there, and have no problem whatsoever with them waiting at our house and visiting as soon as visitng hours come round, I would be uncomfortable with knowing that they were waiting at the hospital because of the reasons above.

Dh does think that I am being unreasonable and that having his dm and step-dad waiting at the hospital is a small thing to ask.

Please help: honestly, AIBU? I am going to show this thread to dh in a while (whatever the consensus is).

Good god that's a long post - if you've reached the bottom, I may have had the baby by now!

Is this a record for an AIBU thread?

Virtually unaminous.

Oh, and here's my vote: YANBU

What has your DH said about all these views?

Darn. That could have been so much more effective if I'd written unaNiMous.

Actually, anyone remember the thread where the OP's DH invited his brother to the delivery suite to witness the birth?

Hilarious. Wonder if the divorce has gone through yet.

YANBU

I hope you have an easy & quick birth, but would anyone want PILs sitting waiting in the hospital for what could be 24hrs?

At my hospital no visitors allowed in delivery suite anyway, only birth partners. On the post natal ward it was Dad's only (or 1 supporter if no Dad) with very limited visting for anyone else (just 3hrs/day in 2 1.5hr slots) & definitely would not allow visiting outside these times nor any "hangers on" waiting about (for the privacy of other women in there)

You need a bit of time to get yourself together, get cleaned up (and perhaps stitched up ) and have a bit of "new parent" time with baby first.

For the first few days at least You are bleeding, you are sore, you are tired exhausted, you are in the OMG stage, and (if b/fing) trying to work out latching on/deal with bleeding nipples etc - your DH JOB is to ensure that all visitors keep their visits short & sweet during this time.

If it were me I would phone only after the delivery, that gives you a good two hours at least before visitors

Been lurking on this thread, waiting for the OP to come back. I SO want Mr Serennos to read it.
FWIW my experience is similar to so many on here - I refused to let DH tell anyone when I went into labour with DC1, it just would have been so much added pressure knowing people were hanging about expecting a result - and then of course when the baby was born they took her straight off to SCBU and I was strapped to a drip with my fanny in bits - I needed DH to be there for me and the baby then, not popping down to the waiting room to keep visiting rellies happy.

Please come back OP!!!!! I want to hear if your dh has changed his mind and is now supporting you.

I agree with the rest of them.

My first baby was induced and the hospital had thought that it would take about 3 days for the pessaries to kick in. We rang parents and in-laws to le them know I was being kept in and as my dad was due up in London for work it was arranged that he'd pop to see me in my boredom at the hospital and bring some stuff my mum wanted me to have. Labour kicked in that night and the first thing my husband did when he got to the hospital was to ring my dad and say on no account should he come to the hospital as I wouldn't want to see him and both I and husband would be a bit too busy. (Dad was sensibly relieved. He hadn't seen any of us pop out and he had no intention of seeing his grandchildren being delivered either.) L was born at 8pm, but after stage 3, stitching, cuddles and a good breastfeed, it was midnight before I was taken down to the ward. MrGub was allowed to hang around a bit longer but then he was packed off til the morning. Parents, in-laws and steps came to pay homage at the hospital over the next two days and then we went home alone to learn how to be a family.

2nd child was a homebirth. The worst part of it was when, with contractions coming every 5 minutes, my mil arrived to pick up #1 child. I loved mil to bits, and obviously adore #1 child, but as I felt a contraction coming on when they were still there I flung them out of the door with the briefest of hugs and dived back into my darkened corner, returning to my grunting, animal state. When I am in labour I don't want anyone else in the building apart from husband and professionals. If anyone else is in the vicinity I feel forced to apply a veneer of civilisation and I find myself concentrating on that rather than getting properly into the contractions. Baby was born at 9.30am, midwives left at midday, mil returned with #1 child at 4 o'clock for half an hour of cuddles before leaving us to it.

This is about you. You're the one giving birth, you and your husband are the ones who need time to meet and greet and get to know your new baby with no distractions. Not only should your inlaws not be there, but your mum should leave the room as soon as you have delivered.

YANBU labour is a stressful time for any mum to be without the ILS waiting outside tapping their fingers waiting for updates on how long more.
Does your DH really expect you to "get it out over and done with" as soon as you arrive at the labour ward as in within the hour
I assume he feels his own parents are a bit left out bcos your DM is also birth partner but that doesnt mean she is more important as a grandparent than his parents, she will be there for you to support you through the long esp 1st labour (mine was 26 hours) with 10 of them in the hospital.
i would give him the choice of wait in our house if they need to know you are in labour otherwise they can wait until baby has arrived to be told the news.

i told no one i was in labour last time...ended up having a em c-section so would not have been able to speak let alone want to look at another person straight after the birth. DH just phoned everyone 2 hours after.
It is nice to just forget about the whole outside world and enjoy the little bubble of your brand new family

YANBU.

Your DH can call once the baby is born and they can come then.

It is unlikely that you can have any visitors in the first two hours anyway. You may wish to fall straihght to sleep, you may need some medical attention, by the time all the clearing up and making comfortable and finding a bed in the post-natal ward is done with, it will be 2 hours! Also it may well be the niddle of the night - they won't allow visitors except at visiting times, and certainly not in the night! You absolutely will not want to be making your first attempts at getting tha baby latched on with a roomful of grandparents

The plan is mad. They have become over-excited (understandably) and have selfishly forgotten the practicalities and sensitivity for you. Tell your DH to call once the baby is born, to set thier minds at rest, and to share the happy news, and then to WAIT until you are fit and well enough to welcome them.

I didn't tell anyone when I went into labour - I even had a phonecall with my Mum when I was 7 or 8cms dilated 9 was at home) and didn't tell her I was in labour, as the very idea of ANYONE waiting on tentehooks was just pressure. You will be sick to the back teeth of people calling as your due date approaches, going 'have you had it yet'.

Giving birth is NOT a spectator attraction for the benefit of others, however loving and excited they are.

Perhaps OP hasn't come back as she has crept into the cupboard under the stairs to have her little babe?

However it goes, hope it goes well. And at least you know that you have loving in-laws for all those babysitting moments you need over the next few years (just not for a little while!)

BUMP - cos I'm nosey

bump - come on OP tell us what DH's reaction to the thread was...

BTW your MIL is not as bad as the DM of someone I know who arrived a month before the due date and wouldn't go home in case she missed the birth (she wasn't a birth partner). It put a huge strain on the couple's relationship and was one of the factors in their breaking up a couple of years later.

Maybe the op was actually the dh and he is too scared to come back and face us

When oh when will these MILs realise that they are not very high up the priority list? YAUBU to ban dh from telling her that you are in labour. You don't even want her waiting at your house when you return home. The first few days are about YOU and YOUR new family. They are not about entertaining hangers-on, no matter how well meaning they may be.

That should be YANBU.

YANBU...

and the thing is, even if you were, it shouldn't matter! you're 38w pg, and you're the one that is giving birth, so what you say goes!

Bumping to the top - waiting for an outcome

(I have never given birth so have no right to tell you what you should do so please feel free to completely ignore me )

I think that YANBU... but...

I think the fact that you have said that you get on well with MIL means that I'd be a bit concerned about damaging that relationship in any way. Just look at the number of threads on here about relationships with MILs! From her point of view, your mum will be there - I know she's there for you, but this baby is as much her grandchild as your mother's IYSWIM.(Does she have a daughter/any other children - just thinking that she may not get that chance that your mother has to 'be there'). Maybe talk to her together with your DH rather than just DH giving the message that you don't want her there. You could maybe give her the option of being at your house with all the reasons why - could be a long time/ middle of night/ how you'd feel bad if she was sitting around a hopital for hours. But also let her know that if she still wanted to sit around waiting then it's up to her.

I know that you don't really want her there so, like I said, feel free to completely ignore me. You do not want to be giving birth already feeling uncomfortabe. I still think that you would be completely reasonable to tell her not to be there. But I'm just thinking about your future relationship and the fact that this nice MIL (a rare thing on MN!) is really excited about being there - with no indication from you that she's interfering/controlling/etc - she's just excited about her grandchild. Would she be the kind of person who might hold this against you in everything to do with her grandchild in future? Even if she never openly mentioned it again, would it always be 'there' IYSWIM?

Another YANBU here.

With dd1 MIL rang when we were about to go to hospital - she was born on her due date and MIL was 'checking in' so DH told her we were going.

They were in the waiting room while I delivered and DH wheeled her out in the cot to show them. He was so focussed on that that he forgot to get me a drink and some chocolate that I asked him for 3 times.

When I got transferred to the postnatal ward I had to be wheelchaired through the waiting area and had MIL,FIL, my own parents, my sister and I think my BIL and his girlfriend all there. Felt totally overwhelmed it was horrible.

When we arrived home MIL,FIL, BIL, BILs gf and their 3yo were all waiting on the kerb outside our house.

felt like driving back round the block again- and believe me it had been a painful car journey!

My stipulations for when Dd2 was born was no one to know until baby came except my sister. Hospital first visit only Dh and dd1. HOme for at least a few hours before visitors..

Weeell I cocked that one up by waters breaking on MILs landing then being so out of it after MROP and blood transfusion that I barely noticed dd2 let alone anyone else.

Still better luck this time dc3 due in August.

good luck OP.

Personally, I think they are mad. Surely MIL must know that labour can last a REALLY long time and therefore she could be waiting a really long time.

I think the idea of them waiting at your house is the most sensible.

YANBU

I had DS1 5 weeks early in 5 hours and 20 mins after I had given birth I heard MIL voice outside the delivery room. I grabbed my fab male midwife and told him to 'go tell them to bugger right off' I was still in poast birth shock, not to mention unwashed etc and about to be stiched up!

The midwife did better then that, he told them to go away for a least three hours

When I was eventaully on the ward, they came to see us, but fab bossy midwives told them they could have 15 mins only as visiting was over and she booted them out in 16 mins!

MIL in law did bring me a massive bag of Clarins goodies so I did feel a tiny bit mean.

Its a birth not a spectator sport!

GOOD LUCK

Agree with Purple about staying polite and appreciative of support etc...

We're actually just saying to lovely MiL "give me a moment" rather than falling out or anything...

OFGS!!! No you are NOT NOT NOT NOT NOT deffo NOT being unreasonable at all!

I HATE the way that when you pregnant you become public property!

FGS - i think it is awful that other people (women esp) do not consider the dignity and special time of the birthing mum!

I get so angry with this - my MIL is a total PITA and would have sat between my legs for the birth if she could have - she seemed to want to suckle on my other breast every time I bf!! I find this kind of intrusion just plain RUDE!! You are a woman about to give birth not a bloody circus performer!

Tell them all - its you giving birth, your dignity and you want it the way you want it!

The offer of your house is an ideal and very kind compromise!

Purpleheffalump, your heart is clearly in the right place but I am afraid you are talking out of your arse.

It doesn't matter if MIL doesn't have any daughters and won't get the chance to "be there". We're not talking about choosing DM over MIL to babysit a six-year-old.

Any concept of "fairness" that somebody (either you or the OP's DH) who hasn't ever given birth happens to hold is entirely irrelevant.

There's nothing equal about the birth experience. What the birthing woman wants, the birthing woman should get, without quibble.