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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to "allow" DH's 15 yr old stepson to get arrested and spend a night in the cells?

501 replies

WashwithCare · 24/01/2010 19:46

DH is not stepson's bio Dad, but lived with him between age 3 and 13, and has been in contact since and financially supporting his Mum and younger sister (also not DH's child).

Anyway, after a long saga of on-going hassles, and lots of soul-searching have in the last week really put my foot down, and inisted on a set of ground rules. I also have my DD (who lives with us f/t) and am about to have a baby (due 4/2) to think of. One of the new rules was that although DH is free to see his steps whenever he likes, and provide any financial support he sees fit - I didn't want them in our home near my kids (but I would review this in 6 mths).

So last night, DH is out for a work function. 10.30 pm, I notice stepson and another male I don't know walk up the path. They ring the bell - I ignore it. They are noisy and sound drunk/intoxicated... then tehy start shouting. I go down, answer the door on chain, say DH is not there, please go away.

Step son is hammered and screaming I'm a lying bitch as DH's car is in the drive (he took a taxi). Starts to boot the car, while his mates tries to talk him down. More screaming. I say, go now or I WILL call the police - manage to shut the door. I call the police,but whilst I am giving my address, they arrive. (2 other neighbours had called them).

I stay in doors, WPC comes into sit with me. 5 mins later, literally, they come into say the mate left and went home nicely, but stepson has been lifted. They ask if DH is the Dad - and I say no (and explain as above). Try to call DH, but get his voicemail - can't think what to say in a voice msg so say nothing about it. So go to bed, thinking this is not my problem.

Anyway, have found out today that police couldnt' contact DH's ex, so step son spent the night in the cells. DH is furious - he thinks I should have done more.

I think it's the mum's responsbility and although I think locking him up all night was OTT, I think I behaved reasonably.

AIBU?

OP posts:
Katisha · 24/01/2010 19:49

DH should be furious with his stepson - not you.

PiratePrincess · 24/01/2010 19:49

WWC do you not have a life? All you do is come on here and slag off your DH's ex. Yawn...

Mongolia · 24/01/2010 19:52

I also think you should have done more to contact your husband. But you were right in letting the police take him away.

Mongolia · 24/01/2010 19:53

Ah, and the fact that he is not the biological parent is TOTALLY irrelevant. He raised those children and you should respect that.

WashwithCare · 24/01/2010 19:54

Thanks katisha - I think DH is just in shock tbh I suppose in all fairness, I would be horrified if this happened to my child. I am surprised by the outcome, as I assumed they woud just take him home - and if they had told me they were going to lock him up all night, I might have done more.

However, I didn't know - and I think it is a bit rich to blame me!

OP posts:
WashwithCare · 24/01/2010 19:57

By Mongolia Sun 24-Jan-10 19:53:42
Ah, and the fact that he is not the biological parent is TOTALLY irrelevant. He raised those children and you should respect that.

It is relevant. The police asked me if DH was there father, and I said no he isn't. But I did explain he brought them up. He has no legal responsbility for them, and no rights etc.

If a child is drunk and arrested, they're not going to hand him or her over to someone who isn't even related to them at all, are they?

OP posts:
parakeet · 24/01/2010 19:59

I think a night in the cells is EXACTLY what this boy deserved and needed.

Vallhala · 24/01/2010 20:04

Your DH was right. You should have done more.

You should have urged the Police to press charges. You should have asked them to hold the little shite for longer. You should have given DH a complete dressing down for expecting you to take responsibility for a child... no, a young adult... which is not your own when you have a child and a bump to think of and are the victim of the young man's aggression and abuse, and you should have asked DH why the feck he and the mother are not coming down on this young man like a ton of bricks.

If one of my children were put in the cells for such behaviour I'd have no sympathy with them whatsoever. I certainly wouldn't expect their pregnant victim to act favourably towards them.

BitOfFun · 24/01/2010 20:08

Agree with Valhalla.

WashwithCare · 24/01/2010 20:11

Thanks - he is only 15, and so apparently was his friend - however, last night I did feel quite vulnerable. I'm petite and I think they would tower over me - hence me opening the door on the chain.

I suppose the real problem is that this has all been building up for ages. His sister was no worse behaved last Saturday - the only differece is that this week I have just had enough, and have taken a hard line!

The police were really nice and sympathetic though, and have said never to hestitate calling them again...

But DH is upset and has stormed out telling me I'm the adult (apparently)...

OP posts:
Tiredmumno1 · 24/01/2010 20:13

well said valhalla. it's these little shites that fuck this country up. he was old enough to know better, and if he didnt learn his lesson this time, there will probably be a next. unless his bloody parents set him straight about the real world it will carry on. tell the stupid little arse to grow and have a bit of respect for others.

justsue · 24/01/2010 20:15

WWC I think you have a very interesting life and I shall follow it with optimisim

ImSoNotTelling · 24/01/2010 20:16

"lifted"?

not heard that one before.

Tiredmumno1 · 24/01/2010 20:16

wnd why your at it wwc tell your husband HE is the one also acting like a child. and why the hell was his phone on voicemail. if my husband went out and i couldnt contact him i would be livid, thats what mobiles were really invented for EMERGENCIES. if your husband continues like this so will his kids, have a heart to heart and if he dont see it your way, then i would walk, disrespectful gits

ImSoNotTelling · 24/01/2010 20:17

ROFl justsue

Tiredmumno1 · 24/01/2010 20:18

i meant "and" obviously

WashwithCare · 24/01/2010 20:20

www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=lifted

Scottish expression perhaps?

OP posts:
justsue · 24/01/2010 20:21

(wink)

MrsL123 · 24/01/2010 20:23

"DH is upset and has stormed out telling me I'm the adult (apparently)... "

Never was a truer word spoken. You certainly seem to be the only adult in the house, if he'll flounce off in a huff. You were right to do what you did - if that's how he was acting, what would have happened if he'd gotten in? The fact he's 15 has nothing to do with it. If he's big enough and brave enough to be damaging your property and shouting the odds at 10.30 at night, he's certainly old enough to spend a night in the cells. Obviously his mother isn't particularly bothered, otherwise she would have been home last night when the police called her. It's not your fault she wasn't.

If you had two strangers outside your house acting the same way, nobody would say you were wrong for calling the police. I don't know why it's any different just because you know him. Behave like a yob, get treated like a yob.

MrsL123 · 24/01/2010 20:24

Definitely scottish wwc, we use it too

dittany · 24/01/2010 20:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

WashwithCare · 24/01/2010 20:25

By Tiredmumno1 Sun 24-Jan-10 20:16:33
wnd why your at it wwc tell your husband HE is the one also acting like a child. and why the hell was his phone on voicemail.

He picked the message up a few minutes later... but all it said was I'm not in labour, and I'm going to bed - so he didn't call me back.

He was monitoring the phone, as he knows I could go into labour now - and to be fair, he also left me the venue number - so I could have got hold of him, if I'd tried harder.

However, I suppose I didnt', because if I had, what would DH have done - in the past, it's meant taking drunk puking abusive step children back to our house! We are planninga home birth, and I just don't want them here.

OP posts:
hobnobsaremyfavourite · 24/01/2010 20:28

So WWC this all happened last night ? Whilst you were busy on MN discussing your friends discussion about sex ? I find your life more and more bizarre !! I'm sure I'm in the wrong mentioning another thread but I just find WWC's life more and more like a weird soap opera.

justsue · 24/01/2010 20:28

WWC Lets face it you do not like your step children and dont want them in your home so it was a ideal situation to get him arrested.

Damm now you have drawn me in finally.

(slapping my own wrist)

WashwithCare · 24/01/2010 20:28

By dittany Sun 24-Jan-10 20:24:35
I don't get why you're being supported here. You've banned your dh's stepchildren from yours and your dh's home. That's terrible.

It's a long story, but basically it got so bad last weekend, I left with my DD and went to stay with a friend for the weekend.

DH's step children have a very nice home that my DH pays for to go stay in with their mother. My DD and baby-2-be only have this home, and I think it is my job to ensure it is safe and nice to be in - don't you?

OP posts:
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