to "allow" DH's 15 yr old stepson to get arrested and spend a night in the cells?

[WashwithCare]

DH is not stepson's bio Dad, but lived with him between age 3 and 13, and has been in contact since and financially supporting his Mum and younger sister (also not DH's child).

Anyway, after a long saga of on-going hassles, and lots of soul-searching have in the last week really put my foot down, and inisted on a set of ground rules. I also have my DD (who lives with us f/t) and am about to have a baby (due 4/2) to think of. One of the new rules was that although DH is free to see his steps whenever he likes, and provide any financial support he sees fit - I didn't want them in our home near my kids (but I would review this in 6 mths).

So last night, DH is out for a work function. 10.30 pm, I notice stepson and another male I don't know walk up the path. They ring the bell - I ignore it. They are noisy and sound drunk/intoxicated... then tehy start shouting. I go down, answer the door on chain, say DH is not there, please go away.

Step son is hammered and screaming I'm a lying bitch as DH's car is in the drive (he took a taxi). Starts to boot the car, while his mates tries to talk him down. More screaming. I say, go now or I WILL call the police - manage to shut the door. I call the police,but whilst I am giving my address, they arrive. (2 other neighbours had called them).

I stay in doors, WPC comes into sit with me. 5 mins later, literally, they come into say the mate left and went home nicely, but stepson has been lifted. They ask if DH is the Dad - and I say no (and explain as above). Try to call DH, but get his voicemail - can't think what to say in a voice msg so say nothing about it. So go to bed, thinking this is not my problem.

Anyway, have found out today that police couldnt' contact DH's ex, so step son spent the night in the cells. DH is furious - he thinks I should have done more.

I think it's the mum's responsbility and although I think locking him up all night was OTT, I think I behaved reasonably.

AIBU?

So this fabulous DH, and marvellous stepfather has told you he thinks you are out of order...yet you still seem to think your lack of adult behaviour is acceptable?

If even SuperDH/SuperStepDad thinks you are a twat, then really, maybe he has a very valid point?

YES BUT WHERE WAS HIS MOTHER!!!!!!!!!!!!

I think poster are beomcing confused between Rindercella and me.

Rindercella said quite clearly she is pg and due in March. I said, I was pg and due in Feb.

Oh dear... sorry to disppoint those who thought they'd spotted a good inconsistency.

He is their father in every way which counts.

Something you seem to be unable to grasp.

He may not have PR but if you had the normal emotional responses you would have told him immediately and he would have done something, if only getting hold of exp to help sort it out.

Freak. You are really, if you are real.

And I told you WWC that I would want to know about what happened not only to my child but to someone I regarded as my child. That is the bit you can't get your head round. That you don't get to decide whether your dh should think of this boy as his son or not, since your dh had clearly decided this long before you entered his life.

If he truly regards the step children as his, why hasn't he taken steps to correct their behaviour?

Its all very well but why did you not leave a message on his phone asking him to ring you then you could have told him the news.If you are due March why would you leave a message saying that you werent in labour as why would he think that anyway - do you have a history of early labour?

I feel sorry for the child, he wanted to see his dad and instead he ended up in the police station in the cells apparently.If it was your child and it happened to them would you be happy that no one told you at the time even in a voice mail.'Im not in labour' takes more time to text than texting 'ring me' even if you put a please on the end.

My ex husband was not my sons "real father" but he treated my son like a son and he treated him like a father.. Even though we have been divorced for ten years Guess what!!!!!!!!!! They still call themselves father and son even though he has re-married he still introduces my son as HIS SON. If his new wife did not want my son around I am sure exh would of kicked her to the kerb a long time ago but then again he is not a weak willed man at his new wife's mercy. YABU and totally crazy

wwc avoids all real questions such as how they found out dss ended up in the police cell. And denies all knowledge of where the mother was.

If you are a lawyer you should know perfectly well that he could be a litigation friend for this child whether he is his biological parent or not.

Well, if WWC is a troll this is all very entertaining and has provoked an interesting discussion on how each of us would have dealt with the situation and regarded the 15 yo's behaviour.

Giving WWC the benefit of the doubt I feel I should add that I hope that a night in the cells has taught the young man a lesson and that this will be his last experience of law-breaking. Personally I take the view that it isn't a good thing for abusive behaviour and criminal damage against a pregnant woman alone in her own home save for a 3 yo to go unpunished and that the average 15 yo is able to know that these actions are unacceptable and illegal. I'm glad to have read on here that I'm not alone in thinking this.

By NigelTheWonderBoy Sun 24-Jan-10 21:47:03
MY Home. MY DH. MY child.

Its the marital home you share with your husband. Remember that old legally thing? You being a high flying lawyer and all that?

It is indeed a marital home, and a shared marital asset.

To be frank, this is one of the things that has wound everything up further. On Monday took steps to register an interest on DH's house (where his gf and DC) live. This does seem to have infamed matters - but I take your point it is not my house.

Having said that, a divorce judge is very unlikely to award DH any of the asset, given I brough it into the marriage and have 2 small children, and there are plenty of other assets anyway.

I think if I were wwc's stepchildren and had to see her resentful, disengaged mug lording it over me everytime I went to see my dad I would behave pretty badly too.

By babyicebean Sun 24-Jan-10 21:55:32
YES BUT WHERE WAS HIS MOTHER!!!!!!!!!!!!

Good question. I don't have a clue. She wasn't at home anyway.

You really don't get emotional stuff, do you? Its all the letter of the law, presumably why you chose it, as it is the only safe professional for someone who needs rules for everything.

And did you really go around your neighbours urging them to call the police on you stepchildren?

So why register an interest in his house - if he bought it before you why are you interested in it?Is it bigger,better, more expensive?
Is your house in his name as well?

What does she mean by registering an interest?

Add message | Report | Contact poster By WashwithCare Sun 24-Jan-10 21:56:41
I think poster are beomcing confused between Rindercella and me.

Fucking. Hell.

Please God, don't ever let this be the case

So why ask us to ask where his mother was if you didnt know?

Thats like having a book with the last pages ripped out.

She's saying that as his wife she wants control over his old house because it is a marital asset.

And you decided to pursue this little bit of shit stirring the weekend you banned the children from the house, the same week the children were removed from their school at the whim of their mother (who may or may not have MH issues)

Marvellous sense of timing, deary. Very sensitive.

This comes down to the fact that you have a step mother who does not want her new husband to have any contact with his previous life and will go to any lengths to stop it. Even if it means sending his "son" to the cells for the night. WWC if you truly are a human being and not a robot just typing random AIBU's. Personally I think you are a attention seeker who is sitting in a bedsit with a bottle of meths trying (badly) to get attention