to "allow" DH's 15 yr old stepson to get arrested and spend a night in the cells?

[WashwithCare]

DH is not stepson's bio Dad, but lived with him between age 3 and 13, and has been in contact since and financially supporting his Mum and younger sister (also not DH's child).

Anyway, after a long saga of on-going hassles, and lots of soul-searching have in the last week really put my foot down, and inisted on a set of ground rules. I also have my DD (who lives with us f/t) and am about to have a baby (due 4/2) to think of. One of the new rules was that although DH is free to see his steps whenever he likes, and provide any financial support he sees fit - I didn't want them in our home near my kids (but I would review this in 6 mths).

So last night, DH is out for a work function. 10.30 pm, I notice stepson and another male I don't know walk up the path. They ring the bell - I ignore it. They are noisy and sound drunk/intoxicated... then tehy start shouting. I go down, answer the door on chain, say DH is not there, please go away.

Step son is hammered and screaming I'm a lying bitch as DH's car is in the drive (he took a taxi). Starts to boot the car, while his mates tries to talk him down. More screaming. I say, go now or I WILL call the police - manage to shut the door. I call the police,but whilst I am giving my address, they arrive. (2 other neighbours had called them).

I stay in doors, WPC comes into sit with me. 5 mins later, literally, they come into say the mate left and went home nicely, but stepson has been lifted. They ask if DH is the Dad - and I say no (and explain as above). Try to call DH, but get his voicemail - can't think what to say in a voice msg so say nothing about it. So go to bed, thinking this is not my problem.

Anyway, have found out today that police couldnt' contact DH's ex, so step son spent the night in the cells. DH is furious - he thinks I should have done more.

I think it's the mum's responsbility and although I think locking him up all night was OTT, I think I behaved reasonably.

AIBU?

What exactly in this particular situation should WWC apologise for?

I'm not talking in general terms about the whole situation, just this particular incident.

I can't see anything I would apologise for! At 15 I was held to be fully responsible for my own actions by my mother and if I had been causing a breach of the peace and using threatening words and behaviour and been uncooperative with the police, what happened would be exactly what I would expect to happen.

By dittany Sun 24-Jan-10 21:05:28
WWC I'm not sure how what I said there would intefere with your responsibility to your own children.

Every few days a drunk or erratic, usually aggressive ex-gf or step child turns up on my doorstep and screams blue-rate abuse at me or my H and sometimes my child too and sometimes hits or breakst things too. They upset me, my neighbours and my DD.

I don't beleive that it is a nice environment for my 3 year old to live in - do you ?

Would you think this was an ok enviornment for your child to be raised in? Does your child frequently witness scenes like this?

But differentID you have to look at the situation as a whole, not just this isolated incident. Yes, if this was just a one-off, then you could say it was outrageous, what was the boy thinking, etc. BUT...there's a whole lot of background stuff going on here and this boy has been effectively excluded from his (step) father's life by some mad woman who is hell bent on ensuring she gets her own way, and to hell with the kids involved.

So, what would you think if you were to break up with your OH and his new partner treated your children like this?

By Rindercella Sun 24-Jan-10 21:05:45
PMSL @ WashwithCare asking, "Are you lot for real?". That really takes the biscuit

As it happens WWC, I am heavily pregnant (due March) and have a toddler. I would never, ever have allowed the situation to have escalated to such a point where my step-son would decide to turn up pissed and aggressive. I would never, ever have banned him from my house. I would have done everything I could to ensure he maintained a fantastic relationship with his father.

Rindercella, - you seem to think it is my fault that the siutation has escalated, and somehow my responsiblity to solve things. What specifically do you think I have done to create a situation in the first place?

I think you'll find it's a lot more to do with how the mother behaves - I really have had very little to do with any of it, until the last week or so when I put my foot down and insisted on some ground rules - which I think any mother would do in the cirucmsances.

Otoh I do see WWCs pov and that it must have been very unpleasant. I can well understand why she felt threatened and wanted somebody else to deal with the situation.

Otoh thinking a 15yo is a waste of sperm because he gets drunk and comes to find the man he thinks of as his dad (he wasn't to know he wasn't in) also seems a little harsh. In that case, I'd be surprised if a lot of our husbands didn't turn out to have been a waste of sperm in their day. I am pretty sure my dh came home wasted when he was that age- the only difference being, of course, that his family took him in.

And I seriously cannot understand how WWC could think it all right not to leave a message on her dp's voice mail. Does that mean, in years to come, if something happens to your baby, you wouldn't expect him to try to contact you? (And I wouldn't bank on it that your baby won't be turning up drunk on doorsteps in 15 years time- I've know the babies of some very good parents to do that).

I think Dittany and I agree on this! But as ever, Dittany is far more articulate about it!

Note, the waste of sperm remark wasn't directed at WWC, but at the poster who said it.

WWC, is your DH the father to your 3 year old?

I don't believe a 15 year old would be left by the police to spend the night in the cells. Social Services would have been called if neither parent could be contacted. So on that basis I think the OP is talking utter bullshit.

I don't spend enough time on here these days to have sussed whether WWC is or is not a troll, but I have to say regardless of whether she is or isn't based on that scenario that the little fucker was lucky to get away with just a night in the cells.

By dittany Sun 24-Jan-10 21:18:26
Anyway you try and put yourself in this boy's shoes. Imagine if your dad had left your mum and gone to live with another woman when you were a teenager, and it turns out that this woman hates you so much that she bans you from your dad's home and says he can only see you away from his own house. And your dad goes along with it. How would you have reacted to that kind of rejection?

That's rubbish - they have been asked not to come to the house since last Tuesday - 4 days ago - they have stayed here on a regular basis for the last 18momths, gone on family holidays, helped choose family holidays etc...

They both have thier own room in my house -that they got to furnish and decorate...

They got banned because there was behavior was consistently unacceptable - not the other way round....

And I have not stopped them seeing DH - I have just suggested they do it elsewhere... they are not the only people with rights you know...

No one has answered my questions about my DD's right not to be harrassed like this - and to have a peaceful home?

A child is in the cells. That is the only shameful fact that matters.

Ah, I don't know all the background by the sound of it- I think I have hidden some of WWC's ridiculous threads...

I still agree with Valhalla that the fifteen year old's behaviour was aggressive and unreasonable, and that the OP shouldn't have let him in.

What seems more dubious is not telling her husband what happened that night- presumably he would have wanted to go the the station and sort things out.

By Georgimama Sun 24-Jan-10 21:26:10
I don't believe a 15 year old would be left by the police to spend the night in the cells. Social Services would have been called if neither parent could be contacted. So on that basis I think the OP is talking utter bullshit.

I am surprised too... however have called some professional contacts today, and have discovered it is actually not that unusual.

They will not call SS to take away someone who is drunk and aggressive. Which makes good sense when you actually think about it.

Orm, if we are to believe that he was kept in the cells overnight and not taken home etc, then he still has only himself to blame for being drunk, violent and aggressive, surely? Actions have consequences- 15 is old enough to appreciate this.

He is 15, not an adult. He shouldn't have been allowed to get in that state.

'What specifically do you think I have done to create a situation in the first place?'

Well quite a lot seeing as this is all happening in your head.

Just about everything this 'woman' posts is designed to press buttons - moaning about a nanny, the breastfeeding one. Incessant references to how well off she is - she can't even ask about a holiday ferry without pointing out they are going for 3 weeks or a month. Education - yep she's hit the high expectations of child and intellectual snobbery buttons. That's not to mention the stealing husbands one....If she is real she is the most enormous pain in the backside

WWC - are you 100% that stepson was kept in the cells? Because, they just don't do that, he's a minor. Can you check with the police? Tell them you are following up on the incident at your home, they might give you the basic outline of what happened.

And I seriously cannot understand how WWC could think it all right not to leave a message on her dp's voice mail. Does that mean, in years to come, if something happens to your baby, you wouldn't expect him to try to contact you? (And I wouldn't bank on it that your baby won't be turning up drunk on doorsteps in 15 years time- I've know the babies of some very good parents to do that).

Cory - I suppose I assumed that police would take the lad home to his Mum, and the drama was over for the night. DH was out at an event with colleagues, so effectively working. I assumed that given it was all over now, there was no point in upsetting DH's evening, as he would just have been worried and upset about it all. I thought I could just tell him in the morning.

I had no idea that DSS was in a cell. Even if I had told DH the night before, I don't think he woudl have assumed this anyway. He certainly didn't guess this when I told him this morning - we only found out much later.

I still don't believe you, but on the off chance that what you say is true, what happened to your husband's step son is illegal and I hope you and your husband will be taking steps to complain on his behalf.

By Rindercella Sun 24-Jan-10 21:22:25
WWC, is your DH the father to your 3 year old?

No - why? But he is the baby's father, just in case you're wondering