to "allow" DH's 15 yr old stepson to get arrested and spend a night in the cells?

[WashwithCare]

DH is not stepson's bio Dad, but lived with him between age 3 and 13, and has been in contact since and financially supporting his Mum and younger sister (also not DH's child).

Anyway, after a long saga of on-going hassles, and lots of soul-searching have in the last week really put my foot down, and inisted on a set of ground rules. I also have my DD (who lives with us f/t) and am about to have a baby (due 4/2) to think of. One of the new rules was that although DH is free to see his steps whenever he likes, and provide any financial support he sees fit - I didn't want them in our home near my kids (but I would review this in 6 mths).

So last night, DH is out for a work function. 10.30 pm, I notice stepson and another male I don't know walk up the path. They ring the bell - I ignore it. They are noisy and sound drunk/intoxicated... then tehy start shouting. I go down, answer the door on chain, say DH is not there, please go away.

Step son is hammered and screaming I'm a lying bitch as DH's car is in the drive (he took a taxi). Starts to boot the car, while his mates tries to talk him down. More screaming. I say, go now or I WILL call the police - manage to shut the door. I call the police,but whilst I am giving my address, they arrive. (2 other neighbours had called them).

I stay in doors, WPC comes into sit with me. 5 mins later, literally, they come into say the mate left and went home nicely, but stepson has been lifted. They ask if DH is the Dad - and I say no (and explain as above). Try to call DH, but get his voicemail - can't think what to say in a voice msg so say nothing about it. So go to bed, thinking this is not my problem.

Anyway, have found out today that police couldnt' contact DH's ex, so step son spent the night in the cells. DH is furious - he thinks I should have done more.

I think it's the mum's responsbility and although I think locking him up all night was OTT, I think I behaved reasonably.

AIBU?

By FabIsGoingToBeFabIn2010 Sun 24-Jan-10 20:44:21
There will be no chance at all of building a relationship with your step son now...

Yes, I agree - I am minded to just say I NEVER want them near me of my children again, rather than the original idea of reviewing the situation in 6 months... but I suppose I may calm down after a while.

dittany, can you please reverse the situation?

If you were nearly full term in your pregnancy alone in the house with a young child and a pair of 15 year olds, one of whom you have had problems with before come hammering on your door in the dead of night and then start screaming abuse at you so loud neighbours call the police, what do you think is an appropriate response for the police given that the mother and father of the teen were out of contact?

At no point in the OP did I see a vindictive tone, I read an almost relieved one! WWC says she thinks locking him up was OTT, why the kicking?

Same thread you were happily posting on this morning without a care in the world WWC? If this had happened last night would your time not have been spent a little more profitably making sure your husbands stepson was safe and well? Or is this all just another load of trolling twaddle

hang on a minute it was this boy and the way he chose to behave that got himself arrested, not WWC

I doubt it.

If I was your dh I would be packing your bags and moving my step kids in.

By hobnobsaremyfave Sun 24-Jan-10 20:52:39
Same thread you were happily posting on this morning without a care in the world WWC? If this had happened last night would your time not have been spent a little more profitably making sure your husbands stepson was safe and well? Or is this all just another load of trolling twaddle

I'm not sure what specifically you think I should have been doing?

I told DH this morning - he took DD to her swimming class.. Neither of us assumed that Stepson would still be at the police station.

I'm just waitng for someone to ask where Mum was?

I am appalled at Valhalla's stance, and those who are echoing her views. This is a 15 year boy we're talking about, who has been ostracized from the man who brought him up for most of his life. WWC (if she is for real) should be doing everything she can to ensure this relationship blossoms despite any difficulties her DH has with his ex. It takes a very special man to be a father to children who are not his own. Those children must be devasted that their family unit has been broken up and that the new woman in their father's life won't allow them the contact they desire.

I have a DSS who is now in his late teens. I would be devasted and ashamed of myself should a situation like this had ever happened.

WWC, you are of course being entirely unreasonable. But then I don't think you're real. I actually think you just have incredibly thick skin to keep posting more & more preposterous crap on here.

By FabIsGoingToBeFabIn2010 Sun 24-Jan-10 20:54:24
I doubt it.

If I was your dh I would be packing your bags and moving my step kids in.

Great plan - except it's my house.

Maybe he should move back into his own house with GF. At least I would be a more reasonable ex to deal with, and newborn baby is unlikely to turn up drunk on his doorstep...

Hubby out on the lash WWC ? Bit bored eh ? Watching re runs of Jezza Kyle got you to thinking ?

Oh go on then WWC "Where was his mum"?

totally agree with Dittany - you sound soooooo mean and pleased with yourself - not a particularly winning combination.

Dittany - I think the point she is making is that a mother has responsbility to her own children as well as other people's.

If you're heavily pg and looking after a tot, some mothers might find it fightening to have 2 drunk youths screaming abuse on her doorstep.

Are you lot for real?

By hobnobsaremyfave Sun 24-Jan-10 21:00:06
Oh go on then WWC "Where was his mum"?

I honestly have no idea. But I would love to know.

Yes WWC I am very real

But you are not

has your DH spoken to his step son?

PMSL @ WashwithCare asking, "Are you lot for real?". That really takes the biscuit

As it happens WWC, I am heavily pregnant (due March) and have a toddler. I would never, ever have allowed the situation to have escalated to such a point where my step-son would decide to turn up pissed and aggressive. I would never, ever have banned him from my house. I would have done everything I could to ensure he maintained a fantastic relationship with his father.

apologies dittany, I think I worded that poorly.
I should have said put yourself in the same situation rather than reverse the situation.

As to what I disagree with

But you are delighted you got a 15 year old boy in the cells aren't you? Just to "prove" how right you've been about banning him from the house. Completely ignoring how devastating doing something like that to a child would be and how there would be bound to be some kind of reaction from him. Maybe he should have self-harmed that would have been better for you. Then you don't have to notice the mess you've caused.

The OP certainly doesn't seem delighted that the lad ended up in police custody. Plus, if a kid of 15 is wandering around at that time of night with his mates I would be asking serious questions what the hell the mother is doing about his behaviour.

so where was his mother actually?????????

and didnt wwc say something about him kicking the car, so violent as well as abusive, what a lovely teenager, dont you wish they were all like that. i am sorry to say that if a boy of 15 doesnt have the common sense to know what he did was totally wrong then he needs his head checking. The first thing he should have done after getting out is apologise unreservedley for his appalling behaviour, i mean he had long enough to think about his actions.

FFS Wash With Care,

Bet this made your night.

Hope your husband sees through you like most of us can.

Funniest quote of the day WWC asking if we are for real that has made me giggle.