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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to "allow" DH's 15 yr old stepson to get arrested and spend a night in the cells?

501 replies

WashwithCare · 24/01/2010 19:46

DH is not stepson's bio Dad, but lived with him between age 3 and 13, and has been in contact since and financially supporting his Mum and younger sister (also not DH's child).

Anyway, after a long saga of on-going hassles, and lots of soul-searching have in the last week really put my foot down, and inisted on a set of ground rules. I also have my DD (who lives with us f/t) and am about to have a baby (due 4/2) to think of. One of the new rules was that although DH is free to see his steps whenever he likes, and provide any financial support he sees fit - I didn't want them in our home near my kids (but I would review this in 6 mths).

So last night, DH is out for a work function. 10.30 pm, I notice stepson and another male I don't know walk up the path. They ring the bell - I ignore it. They are noisy and sound drunk/intoxicated... then tehy start shouting. I go down, answer the door on chain, say DH is not there, please go away.

Step son is hammered and screaming I'm a lying bitch as DH's car is in the drive (he took a taxi). Starts to boot the car, while his mates tries to talk him down. More screaming. I say, go now or I WILL call the police - manage to shut the door. I call the police,but whilst I am giving my address, they arrive. (2 other neighbours had called them).

I stay in doors, WPC comes into sit with me. 5 mins later, literally, they come into say the mate left and went home nicely, but stepson has been lifted. They ask if DH is the Dad - and I say no (and explain as above). Try to call DH, but get his voicemail - can't think what to say in a voice msg so say nothing about it. So go to bed, thinking this is not my problem.

Anyway, have found out today that police couldnt' contact DH's ex, so step son spent the night in the cells. DH is furious - he thinks I should have done more.

I think it's the mum's responsbility and although I think locking him up all night was OTT, I think I behaved reasonably.

AIBU?

OP posts:
WashwithCare · 24/01/2010 20:30

Err.. no - it happened afterward Hobsaremyfave... at half past ten...

It was you lot that sat up till gone one discussing lobsters...

OP posts:
northernlurker · 24/01/2010 20:30

Ooooh another self justifying post from poor martyred wwc. How fortuntate it is that your neighbours are always in and calling the police when your devil stepchildren come round to harass.

ImSoNotTelling · 24/01/2010 20:32

You didn't leave a voicemail for your DH, and you sent him a text basically saying nothing to report...

When his son had just been carted away by the police?

And you are wondering why he is not impressed?

Pfff.

dittany · 24/01/2010 20:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LittleMrsHappy · 24/01/2010 20:32

Oh Gawd your Jeremy Kyle programmes get more inventive by the day!
Firstly their mother dropped them off at yours, saying she was suffering a mental breakdown last week, and that she left the children with you, as she couldn't cope with them (at you, not the mum)

and then voila, the children dont live with you now, are set back to their mum who has MH problems, and you wonder why the children are out getting drunk, when their "dad" sends them back to their mum who is having a hard time mentally, and a bitch of a step mum, who does nothing but shout, want to out him in a cell and basically cannot stand them because simply she does not want them in her little tiny mind, and perfect little absurd family!

Were UBU, of course you fecking!!!! but you already know this, but yet again, I want atenshun and its all about you

WashwithCare · 24/01/2010 20:33

Add message | Report | Contact poster By justsue Sun 24-Jan-10 20:28:26
WWC Lets face it you do not like your step children and dont want them in your home so it was a ideal situation to get him arrested.

I could say, I didn't get drunk and go hammer on someone else's door, and then tell the police to f**k off, when all they really wanted him to do was go home....

However, I think it's a fair accusation in that alhtough I didn't know exactly what would happen and was a bit shocked by a night in the cells... I did know that something like the door banging incident was almost bound to happen, as it has happened so many times before. I also knew that I have spoken to my disgrunted neighbours and positively encouraged them to call the police...

So yes, I wanted something different to happen... becasue quite frankly, the current siutation is just mad.

OP posts:
dittany · 24/01/2010 20:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MrsL123 · 24/01/2010 20:37

I think the boy/young man/thug provided the perfect opportunity to get himself arrested, actually. It's not like the OP called him up and said "come round drunk and disturb the peace so I can get the police out". And regardless of any background between them or the OP's feelings towards him, the police were originally called by the neighbours, not the OP, so they obviously thought his behaviour warranted their involvement too. And it sounds like the boy could have just walked away quietly, but instead chose to act up with the police too, leading to them arresting him. All of which has nothing to do with any history between the OP and the boy. So I think the outcome was justified.

FabIsGoingToBeFabIn2010 · 24/01/2010 20:37

Why did you marry him when you have such a problem with him supporting this children who see him as dad and who he sees as his?

Big of you to say he can see them and support them financially as he wants.

justsue · 24/01/2010 20:37

personally i think it is a situation that you are creating in your own mind, but then that is just my opinion

WashwithCare · 24/01/2010 20:37

Dittany - what would you have done last night?

OP posts:
bunnymother · 24/01/2010 20:38

I also agree w Valhalla.

Regardless of your views of WWC's life and approach towards her DH's stepchildren, she is a heavily pregnant woman who was confronted w 2 aggressive, drunk teenage boys. Very intimidating. Who would either want them in your home under such circumstances. The stepson has a mother who should have been responsible for him. Think the DH should be taking this up with her, not WWC.

MrsL123 · 24/01/2010 20:38

Providing the story is true, of course (I'm relatively new!)

ImSoNotTelling · 24/01/2010 20:39

I am going to lob my [bbiscuit] in at this point and go to bed

ImSoNotTelling · 24/01/2010 20:40

What happened to my [bbiscuit]?

Have a normal one then

dittany · 24/01/2010 20:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

WashwithCare · 24/01/2010 20:41

Thanks MrsL123

JustSue - it is definitely not in my head. 2 separate neighbours phoned the police before I did, and it's a street of quite spread out houses so you can guess what the noise was like!

OP posts:
dittany · 24/01/2010 20:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

WorkingItOutAsIGo · 24/01/2010 20:43

There was a very sad story in NZ, where a father allowed his (biological)teenage son to be taken to jail, having reported him for a minor drugs offence. He was aiming to teach him a short, sharp lesson. The son was murdered by his cellmate.

Prisons are not full of nice lovely people. You were completely U and reckless to do this to a child who your husband treats as his own son, regardless of the circumstances. You are incredibly lucky the son is, this time, unscathed. I am not at all surprised your husband is furious with you.

FabIsGoingToBeFabIn2010 · 24/01/2010 20:44

There will be no chance at all of building a relationship with your step son now...

Wolliw · 24/01/2010 20:47

YANBU
The police should not have allowed him to spend the night in the cells. We have arrangements for this sort of thing. In Manchester we have emergency children's home beds, which aren't great, but allowing a 15 yr old to spend the night in a police cell is appauling.

They could use the appropriate adult system and take him to his own home and let him let himself in.

The simple suicide risk of leaving a 15 year old locked up overnight is appauling.

You clearly made the right decision to protect yourself and your children.

It was the police who let a 15 year old spend a night in police custody, not you. Your DH should be complaining to them.

LittleMrsHappy · 24/01/2010 20:48

HONESTLY, why is people responding to her, she refuses to acknowledge when she is in the wrong, thinks she know better that everybody, and is just a nasty spiteful woman, who cannot see from the end of her own nose!

what on earth did you think people would say, you were NBU!

After what these children have been through in the past week (removed from school, activity classes, mother being a nut job, father not being their, and step mother, being a nasty vindictive person that she has always portrayed to them!

Yes, clearly this boy needs punished more!

WashwithCare · 24/01/2010 20:48

dittany Sun 24-Jan-10 20:40:16
I'd have asked the police to take him home and I'd have said to him that I could see he was very upset and that when his dad gets back I'd talk to him about rebuilding the family relationships and that I'd been wrong to ban them from the house and that I was sorry.

Thanks for the reply. I think you are either tongue in cheek with your response though, or totally misundersanding the situtation.

I called the police because the situation was totally out of control. Once they arrived, it wasn't up to me to tell the police how to do their job, and they certainly didn't seek my view or even tell me what had happened.

I don't think I am wrong to ban them from the house. I don't see how not letting them get drunk and aggressive and abusive in my house, stops them bilding a relationship wiht DH? If that's what they both want.

OP posts:
RichardGereandtheGuineaPigs · 24/01/2010 20:50

Agree with VH and BoF, shame it was only one night. What a waste of sperm, he is.

northernlurker · 24/01/2010 20:51

Oooh I just love the detail wwc puts in 'quite spread out houses' - come on love, just chuck us a few more reminders of your amazing lifestyle and huge house Nice fantasy

I think your name is Derek and you live in Slough