to think there's a case for complying with a DH's sexual fantasy,even if you're NOT really up for it?

[WashwithCare]

Had lunch with some friends today, and this was the discussion.

20 years ago, I would have said NO WAY - sex should be totally mutual, pleasurable to both etc...

However, now I'm not so sure. My mate's H has hinted he would like to try X. My mate is OMG - NO!

However, she says she is still thinking about it... DH has been her love for 10 years. He has supported her. Never minded having virtually no sex for 2 years after a difficult birth and PND. Told her she was gorgeous and supported her fully every day....

So she is pondering whether he "deserves" X for super good behaviour - and because (we know he is the most faithful H ever) he is not going to get it ever, less she relents!

So I started off saying NO WAY - but as she spoke perhaps think her position isn't that unreasonable... But I am huge and hormonal... so what do I know!

"receiving end"???

What The Fuck?

I do not consider myself to be on "the receiving end" of sex with my boyfriend no matter how we we choose that the sexual act manifests itself.

you think advising women to get a great orgasm is somehow irresponsible?

Please explain yourself, dittany, because so far you sound loopy.

Why tedious? Why is it tedious when people are tellling you about their lives - is it because you';re determined not to listen?

Every time you are alone with a man, you are at risk of rape. Why should I abstain from activities I enjoy so that i can be certain I'm not being, or going to be, raped?

dittany
OK one more thing - it's funny how it's always BDSM-type uncomfortable sex that gets paraded around and promoted. Try anal sex! Get your boyfriend to pin you down! Do you think it's got something to do with these women not wanting to feel like the only ones being on the receiving end?

I can think of some other sex-related activities where it's often friends that drag a woman into them first of all with the "Try it, it's fab" line.

I just think people have a very narrow view of all this. It is important to put it in a wider context than "I like it".

Crikey, is this the parting shot - I am a bit disappointed to be honest.

Dittany - Not really preaching to you. Just wanting to put a different point of view than rah, rah BDSM! or bland liberal tolerance.

No this was the parting shot wasn't it? bland liberal tolerance - must try harder eh?

I will not calm down. You are judging people's sexual behavior based on nothing more than your own particular feelings. It's bigoted.

anal sex receiver

is that a new type of satellite dish - because if it is i fucking want one.

dittany, I hope you don't leave the thread- I'm finding this an interesting debate.

Further to the moral aspect you mentioned earlier, how do you see this in terms of those with universally condemned sexual tendencies, such as those involving paedophilia? Is it enough for those fantasies to remain unacted upon? Or can the subject be 'argued' out of even having these fantasies?

I am not putting the world of BDSM in the same bracket as paedophilia; It's just easier to frame my question using a 'fetish' which is accepted by society as abhorrent.

Oh dear...this is the internet ladies...people have differing opinions deal with it!

I sometimes tell my DP to 'take control' (is that a paradox?). Pretty usually, I spend a lot of my life making all the decisions and sometimes it's fun to let someone else do it. It's mutual, sometimes he tells me to do what I want for similar reasons. It's about exploring each other and finding out what we really like. I only do it because I trust him totally. If I say 'seriously' or, (hah) 'Ow you're on my hair' he stops straight away, without fail. I don't think we count as having a BDSM sex life at all, but the principles are similar.

Thats the thing...some days I take control some days he does...I dont believe my love making is less intimate because I'm not wearin rubber pants or a dog collar...I just like to fuck my DH au naturel.. no embellishments or specialist equipment.

Why does BDSM make you so angry, dittany? I don't get it.

Nobody says you should start swinging from the chandelier by your nippleclamps if you don't want to, but why can't you just let those who do enjoy it do whatever they like?

NO.
Sex is not a commodity. A person cannot be owed sexual favours. Do it for fun or not at all.

I would feel violated if I felt I was doing something just because he asked nicely and I felt indebted to him.

Buy him a nice prezzie or let him have a night out on the piss or something, a woman cannot owe a person their body.

I've nothing against bum sex in principal, it's just that my hubby's cock it too big.

Dittany: a lot (more than half IME) of BDSM activity is about the man being on the recieving end - being tied up, spanked, anally penetrated. And people certainly do recommend to female friends that they try buggering their boyfriends or tying them up, as for many people BDSM is exciting and fun.
I personally prefer to be on the 'giving' rather than the 'receiving' end of BDSM activity, though have tried subbing out of curiousity, with people I trusted, and found that while it didn't work for me it wasn't a hideous harmful traumatic experience either.
While I have encountered, now and again, people on the BDSM scene who are not ethical and not sensible, either fucked up in a variety of ways and not willing or able to get help or help themselves - or unpleasant bullies, the proportion is no greater (and IME smaller) than the proportion of fuckups and abusers who have no interest in BDSM.
For many people what you might call 'safe danger' so to speak, is exciting: that's why there are rollercoasters and paintballing, for instance. BDSM roleplay with a trusted partner is perfectly safe. If it doesn;t appeal to an individual, the individual shouldn't do it, but there is nothing inherently wrong with the pursuit of orgasm by unusual means between consenting adults.

dittany - I enjoy anal sex. Most of the time I suggest it and I've had several boyfriends that don't like it. It feels nice and that's all there is to it as far as I'm concerned.

You really need to lighten up a bit sometimes

dittany - i say this with the utmost respect and kindness with a bit of my sick sense of humour thrown in. Christ woman you need a bloody good fuck!!

Honestly - you have GOT to losen up and enjoy life a bit more luvvie. Go out there, find yourself a man and fuck his bloody brains out will you.

Please take that kindly - you are a very caring person but i worry for you sometimes.

BDSM?? hmmmm, i find it a bit cliche to be honest, but i like things that come under its umbrella. DP and I play on occasion but i doubt he actually knows what BDSM is. When he ties me up (if only, its been so long - yearn!) its not rape and its not a rape scenario. Its sometimes about teasing, orgasm with held, orgasm after orgasm with no respite (oooh im a lucky girl!) that sort of thing. We do a bit of whip play, very light (im a big wussy wuss) and its fun, and fulfilling. I did go through a stage where i only wanted sex like that, but i suppose its a bit like the new flavour of pizza or chocolate, you cant get enough for a while and then you go back to vanilla.

Safe word? We never use one, again, cliche -unless you count stop or ouch or untie me now im having a panic attack!! happened once, poor sod was mortified. Anyway, we don't do roleplay so i guess thats why we dont have a safeword as there is no pretend "oh no, please don't" going on.

when our sex is rough, its usually on both sides, i dont consider myself as submissive but definately bottom.

Some subs are in control - its a very cerebral thing

PMSL @ "Ouch, you're on my hair!"

IME that's the one that will wipe the false 'I'm so mean' look off someone's face, replacing it with a look of horror and worry.

Who the hell says the subs don't have all the power?

wolliw

i am sorry if i offended you, really - maybe i should have known better. my apologies.

Nothing to do with your opinions, they are your own, well researched (obviously) and you are entitled to them. I just, now i could be wrong, see you as someone who has been hurt and who could do with seeing that not all men are out to hurt women or do them wrong. Its a very sad viewpoint to have, albiet an understandable one where there are some scumfuckers around.

Nothing that DP and myelf have experimented with has been initiated by him, well maybe apart from anal but actually i don't do that anymore. Sometimes he asks, sometimes i feel mean saying no, but it causes me discomfort after the event so thats just tough (on him) and of course he understands. Although in the heat of the moment - can't blame a man for trying.

i don't associate bdsm with DV, however i of course recognise that there could be a thin line. For what i have researched, albeit on the surface as bdsm isnt a big part of my life, there is very strong feeling within the bdsm community that is aware that there is a very thin line between consensual role play and sexual adventure and abuse.

Then of course you have the lifestyle sub, i can't get my head around that, for me that would never work, im too much of a rotweiller That makes me uncomfortable, but for some, it seems to work.

Dittany, can I just ask you one question (no agenda here, honestly)

Are you married/in a long term relationship ?

Do you have children ?

Oops, that is two...but you get the gist

The reason I ask is that you are like a blank wall to me (and others ?)...so it is often difficult to take your posts in any kind of context

feel free to ignore, of course

Dittany, you are taking your life experience and applying it to everyone else. And not only that, you are saying that if we don't agree with you, that a submissive fuck is an abusive fuck, then we are somehow supporting domestic violence.

You can take the wider grander scale of things and shove it up your ring. The sisterhood does not get to decide my sex life for me. I decide how my sex life plays out - and you may be surprised by that, considering how much I support submissive sex play, but it's true. None of my partners have EVER made me do something I don't want to do.

Considering you don't seem to have ever taken part in consensual sex/power play, who are you to venture an opinion on those who do? What makes you think that everyone in this world should function just like you? For all you know, I can only get off whilst vacuum packed with a copy of the radio times sticking out of my arse - nobody gets to choose my fetishes for me.