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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to think there's a case for complying with a DH's sexual fantasy,even if you're NOT really up for it?

361 replies

WashwithCare · 23/01/2010 20:49

Had lunch with some friends today, and this was the discussion.

20 years ago, I would have said NO WAY - sex should be totally mutual, pleasurable to both etc...

However, now I'm not so sure. My mate's H has hinted he would like to try X. My mate is OMG - NO!

However, she says she is still thinking about it... DH has been her love for 10 years. He has supported her. Never minded having virtually no sex for 2 years after a difficult birth and PND. Told her she was gorgeous and supported her fully every day....

So she is pondering whether he "deserves" X for super good behaviour - and because (we know he is the most faithful H ever) he is not going to get it ever, less she relents!

So I started off saying NO WAY - but as she spoke perhaps think her position isn't that unreasonable... But I am huge and hormonal... so what do I know!

OP posts:
tethersend · 24/01/2010 19:25

That's definitely the case WRT sexual imagery, Milly, but once those fantasies have been 'formed' in the mind, can they be reasoned into something else? Something more acceptable to society? (Not suggesting that BDSM is not acceptable, BTW- just generalising)

arionater · 24/01/2010 19:28

I read an essay once that suggested that BDSM can have a relationship to trauma (whether physical or emotional) but that it can be understood as a rather flexible, imaginative and therapeutic way for the mind to convert various memories or feelings that were initially traumatic into something sexually and emotionally positive. Not sure if I believe it, but I thought it was an interesting idea.

tartyhighheels · 24/01/2010 19:29

I blame Adam Ant for making me a perv it is his fault

MillyR · 24/01/2010 19:36

Tethersend, I don't think an individual fantasy can be remoulded, but I think that we may start out picking our fantasies from quite a limited repertoire. I believe that as women become more liberated we can develop a sexuality that is more independent from the male-dominated, male gaze type of sexuality. That allows us to develop sexual interests that are more individual which allows much of the old fantasy world to get discarded as an individual has found something better.

It is not really about what society finds acceptable, but about people having their own sexual interests, rather than fitting into some pre-defined unit of pornographic consumption that can be sold to them.

tartyhighheels · 24/01/2010 19:39

MillyR - good post and I agree completely

tethersend · 24/01/2010 19:48

Milly, I am interested in whether or not you can be 'talked out' of the fantasy you do have, no matter how it was developed.

When I talk about society finding a certain fantasy acceptable, I am thinking about more 'extreme' fantasies involving rape, murder or paedophilia. It is relevant as, if the fantasies are acted upon, the contravene society's norms, values and laws.

tethersend · 24/01/2010 19:49

*the=they

morningpaper · 24/01/2010 19:57

< hooks a rug >

< drinks horlicks >

AnyFucker · 24/01/2010 19:58

mp, can I have a sip of your horlicks please

fancy a Werther's Original ?

MillyR · 24/01/2010 20:04

Tethersend, I don't know if you can be talked out of finding a fantasy exciting or not. But I am sure you can replace a fantasy with a different one.

There also has to be a big difference between keeping a fantasy in your head, sharing it with someone else, and acting it out with someone else.

mamazon · 24/01/2010 20:09

im not sure you can be "talked out of" a fantasy but you can have CBT to help you not find something so pleasurable.

tartyhighheels · 24/01/2010 20:15

CBT - cognitive bahavioural therapy

or

CBT - cock and ball torture

BitOfFun · 24/01/2010 20:17
Grin
tethersend · 24/01/2010 20:18

Nicely done, thh

tartyhighheels · 24/01/2010 20:26

well ladies a bumsex thread and it's got all clever now..................

you can rely on me to keep it in the gutter

tethersend · 24/01/2010 20:33

See, that's the thing about bumsex.

You can read a book at the same time.

LucyEllensmadmummy · 24/01/2010 20:54

dittany; Funny you should ask LEM. When I got my ears pierced I nearly fell off the chair because I felt like I was a piece of paper being stapled. But I kind of assumed that's what you had to put up with.

lol, well when i got MY ears pierced i passed out What i had to put up with? When??

Nup, i don't do needles!! i always had a real needle phobia until i worked as a vet nurse then obviously had to get over it pretty quick! I did poke myself in the boob once whilst preparing a euthanasia injection - that wasn't funny

You know, i have a lot of respect for you dittany, you are a real woman's champion, but you are in danger of being a bit blinkered sometimes.

I don't have any childhood trauma, i had loving parents, a happy home - unless i don't remember

I think you are right - there probably are people within the BDSM scene who have been damaged in some way and maybe that comes out in that, but i would have thought that actually, its quite the opposite, it takes a very confident person to say - here, tie me to the bed, heres a whip - go for yer life! Because actually, it takes a strong person to persuade another person to do that to you.

From my own point of view, as im sure you know dittany, DP and I have had a rough few years, during this time there has been none of those shinanagins going on in our bedroom. That is for happy times.

Im not justifying it - im just trying to make you see that not every woman who likes porn, likes D/s is damaged or in an abusive relationship, however, there is, i feel, a fine line.

LucyEllensmadmummy · 24/01/2010 20:56

LMAO at CBT - i remember the first time i saw CBT as a THERAPY i was thinking, OMG, they do THAT on the NHS now!!

Tarty, please don't call yourself a perv.

Actually, you didn't used to be a vet nurse too did you?? only i have a friend who used to like adam ant...............

Malificence · 24/01/2010 21:20

We've had a similar argument before Dittany.

I should be the epitome of "vanilla" - happily married to a wonderful man for almost 25 years, my only sexual partner.

He's never asked me to do anything, I'm the one who likes rough sex, being spanked, having my hair pulled, being "controlled" in effect, he does it because I like it.
It comes from total love and trust and is very empowering, I never enjoyed sex like this before I opened up to what I really wanted, I thought there was something wrong with me to want to be submissive when in RL I'm a strong and independant woman.

I think it becomes warped and dangerous when you can't have "normal" sex and it has to be a certain way to get turned on, then it has become a problem - I would be worried if I could only get aroused by being slapped, or restrained - that is disturbing, but as part and parcel of a varied sex life I don't see a problem.

Any behaviour that is compulsive or obsessive is worrying but that's not what sex like this is about, for me anyway.

SolidGoldBrass · 24/01/2010 21:32

Actually, there is something in human wiring which actually responds to extreme sensation with pleasure, to the extent that many people seek it out. This is not just about BDSM (most people have the unfortunate habit of seeing sex as something in a totally separate category from all other kinds of human activity or thought, when it isn't). Think of skydivers, marathon runners, climbers, ballet dancers - all these activities involve pushing the body to extremes, and people who enjoy doing them experience a particular thrill that nothing else matches.
And it's certainly not true that everyone who is into BDSM has buried traumas or MH issues: some do, of course, and some of them find that BDSM activity is a way of managing their issues and working through them.

dittany · 24/01/2010 21:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LucyEllensmadmummy · 24/01/2010 21:42

lol, doing a poo is a bodily function - sex is fun!! mind you there are people...............no NO NO!!! lol

shockers · 24/01/2010 21:44

Fancy a horlicks myself now...

MillyR · 24/01/2010 21:45

It is a function of the body. Why would anybody even dispute that?

LucyEllensmadmummy · 24/01/2010 21:47

i fancy a hot chocolate myself might make DP make it for me, then IF he is lucky, let him come and kiss the heels of my boots