to think there's a case for complying with a DH's sexual fantasy,even if you're NOT really up for it?

[WashwithCare]

Had lunch with some friends today, and this was the discussion.

20 years ago, I would have said NO WAY - sex should be totally mutual, pleasurable to both etc...

However, now I'm not so sure. My mate's H has hinted he would like to try X. My mate is OMG - NO!

However, she says she is still thinking about it... DH has been her love for 10 years. He has supported her. Never minded having virtually no sex for 2 years after a difficult birth and PND. Told her she was gorgeous and supported her fully every day....

So she is pondering whether he "deserves" X for super good behaviour - and because (we know he is the most faithful H ever) he is not going to get it ever, less she relents!

So I started off saying NO WAY - but as she spoke perhaps think her position isn't that unreasonable... But I am huge and hormonal... so what do I know!

see - i can't understand the custard thing - FFS, she must be piling on the pounds!!

In a balanced loving relationship, rape fantasies are just that - fantasies.

A friend of mine regularly finds herself held down by her lover during sex. She knows if she keeps up the wriggly giggly squealing and squirming, this will NOT make him jump off immediately, and will in fact delight him. HOWEVER, although this looks like a rape scenario to the casual observer, BOTH participants know that if she says "Seriously - off. I'm squashed/tired/need a wee/want to do something else" he will move immediately.

Mal: maybe your friend's H is getting more obsessive about his messy fantasies because he feels his nose is a bit out of joint now there's a child in the family (same as a vanilla bloke might suddenly start flirting with other women etc) - and the DW is feeling, as a lot of women with new babies feel, off sex for the moment as her mind and body are all taken up with the baby. IF they can keep communicating in general (and not get too hung up on the particular 'weird' fetish) they shouldbe able to sort it out between them.

SGB, she's feeling that it's not actually "her" that he wants any more, he doesn't seem to be up for just "normal" sex any longer and she's resenting the fact that she has to get a plastic sheet out and cover herself in something slimy to get him interested - that can't be healthy?
He's spending a lot of time searching for "messy" porn too, even stuff involving poo, which they always agreed was a no go area.

They have a one year old and her dh won't change nappies and doesn't like to feed him either, it's as if he doesn't want to see the baby in a "mess", could he actually be jealous? She's very down about it and I don't know what to suggest to her.

"she's resenting the fact that she has to get a plastic sheet out and cover herself in something slimy to get him interested"

See, that would put me right off, anything that requires hoo ha! especially after the event

Mal: it does sound an unhappy situation. How are things between them WRT the rest of the marriage, do they have fun together (of a not erotic nature), is there mutual respect, does he do his share domestically? It sounds like the bloke is basically retreating into his fantasy world a bit to escape from something else and yes, it's basically selfishness on his part (same as if another bloke was spending all his spare time on the computer playing World of Warcraft - is that the addictive one, not an expert myself - and neglecting his family).

My point is, it's not the specifics of the fetish that matter, it's the behaviour around it.

yes, she has said it, and she know it works. It's an enjoyable thing for them - it's an enjoyable thing for both of them. Not just him.

Dittany, why is true trust such an issue to you? Don't you trust anyone? Can you not see the appeal in a scenario where you are not in complete and utter control of everything the other person says and does to you?

Dominance games are trust games, the 'rape fantasy' that my friend lives out is a trust game, being tied up and tying someone up is a trust game - why do you find it so difficult to believe that someone can be trusted - even if they have a penis?

To be honest, Dittany, I find your attitude that sex is something that someone 'does' to someone else is disturbing.

I have played all sorts of strange little games with partners in the past - I wasn't having anything 'done' to me, we were doing it together.

Dittany: I have seen, heard and experienced safewords being used on several occasions - the sub partner either didn't like a particular new experience, wasn't getting in the mood or it was a case of cramp or (not-pleasurable) discomfort or needing the loo. Why do you find it so hard to accept that many women like a variety of sexual practices, and not all men really, deeply wish to hurt and degrade all woman as the only way they can get their jollies?

Dittany - unclench for goodness sakes, you will do yourself an injury!

Safewords is good standard practice for BDSM. Personally I use 'strawberry' boht for myself and those I have played with. It has never been necessary to use it - not once.

Just to be clear Dittany, the submissive partner is always in control. If you do indulge in this sort of play the rules and limits are defined by the submissive and their limits in play.

You seem to have an impression that a Dominant partner gives the sub a list of what is going to happen and then the sub agrees - it is in fact, quite the opposite of this. It is generally the sub who has the list and the DOm who tailors her or indeed his play to accomodate. No one wants to overstep the mark with anyone else - it wouldn't be fun otherwise.

And is it more abhorrent to you that i would be tied up or held down and fucked in the ass or is it worse that i would do this to my male partner? You give me the impression that any women indulging in submissive sex are not only there because they are wounded psychologically but also that it is something 'done to' them.

You have got it all wrong. Even in the face of evidence provided here by complete strangers you seem unable to accept that there can be another way.

Pretending to rape your partner so she "finds herself held down by her lover during sex" during sex is having something done to someone. Where's the mutuality in that?

She has agreed to it - mutuality by any standard

If my friend didn't agree to being held down by her partner at whatever point during sex that he fancies it, she presumably wouldn't tell me all about it with such undisguised glee and advise me to "get your boyfriend to give it a go"

I think you would be better off away from this thread dittany, because you're preaching about something you don't understand.

I never said I did find it hard to believe. What I said was that "I like it, it gives me an orgasm" isn't necessarily the best way to decide whether something is a good idea or not. People like overeating, drinking too much etc etc - doesn't mean those things are a good idea.

Not really the same thing though is it - overeating and drinking have health consequences and negotiated safe sane and consensual BDSM has a good result for people indulging - this is a red herring arguement.

I can tell you if a really damaged person was involved in the BDSM scene that I am involved in the would be sussed out straight away - all the people I personally know in the scene might be into a few weird things but they do not impose themselves on people they find appreciative or indeed curious partners to play with.

I have been tried all manner of things, some which floated my boat and some which didn't with people generous enough to teach me and share. I have both masochistic interests as well as sadistic ones (to be clear only in a sexual sense) and I also well know for being DOminant but have also learned a lot by being submissive with several people too.

According to your guiding principle I must be one fucked up bunny eh?

So leaving BDSM aside, why do you think I am a rubber fetishist? Bad tangle with a pair of marigolds as a child?

I would find it weird if my partner only got turned on by pretending to rape me or had to call me names, whip etc and/or vice versa...but thats just me?

Dittany - preaching to the perverted comes to mind......

certainly in my case