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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to ask why this woman keeps telling my fiance she is in love with him

333 replies

kellze · 22/01/2010 15:22

She and my fiance had a very brief relationship a few years ago and only slept together once. He is in Australia atm visiting friends and family before birth of our first child and has met up with this woman as a group with mutual friends. She ended up telling him how she still loves him and wants to be with him and would do anything for him etc.

He told her there was no chance and she had missed that boat and that he was very happy with me etc.

I believe there would never be a chance of anything happening between them and trust him totally but I want to know why the hell she thinks it is ok to tell him this stuff.

Do I ask her?

OP posts:
DuelingFanjo · 22/01/2010 15:46

you know you can block her facebook updates don't you.

crankytwanky · 22/01/2010 15:49

Is she invited to your wedding then?

NJWS · 22/01/2010 15:51

Don't give any more power to her by thinking and talking about it, save your energy for your lovely baby and fiance, and yes, be flattered, he wants to be with you.

Original poster
kellze · 22/01/2010 15:53

I won't ask her. I'm not angry but very confused as to why she persists. We haven't met yet but she and DP have been good friends for years even before their brief 'thing'.

I think that I am being very insecure. But he did admit that he would have gone back to Aus and seen how it went with her until I came along.

I have resisted any comments to her for some time especially as she seems slightly crazy and regularly updates with feeling suicidal etc. I doubt I would say anything to her because of this.

OP posts:
DuelingFanjo · 22/01/2010 15:55

As for the Wedding thing. Front row seats are for families aren't they?

Are you having Ushers or anything like that? MAke sure they direct non family members to different seats.

Original poster
kellze · 22/01/2010 15:58

Or tie her up and drown her in the font

OP posts:
Original poster
kellze · 22/01/2010 15:58

Sorry. was possessed when I wrote that

OP posts:
DuelingFanjo · 22/01/2010 16:00

to be fair - i think your DH to be should make it clear to her that she can't sit at the front and that she needs to stop with the 'I love you stuff'

notanumber · 22/01/2010 16:02

Ahhhh....So there is real history between your partner and this woman then? To the extent that if you weren't in the picture he concedes that they might be an item?

They've been friends for a very long time and she is coming to your wedding.

Sounds...complicated.

Does your partner need to be sharing all this information with you? Too late now of course, but there's something a bit odd about your soon to be husband ringing you up from the other side of the world to inform you that a woman he has been involved with previously and he hadn't entirely ruled out emigrating to have a future with her (before meeting you) has declared her undying love.

What does he expect you to do with that information? Is he trying to make you jealous?

ChickensLoveMarmite · 22/01/2010 16:04

Agree with notanumber. I thought exactly the same thing.

Original poster
kellze · 22/01/2010 16:06

It is complicated, but as has been said he has chosen to be with me, so I should stop obsessing. He is Australian so would have been going home and met up with her, it is me he is moving to the other side of the world for

I will just have to keep an eye on her when we emigrate, but I do wish she wouldn't try to be my best friend, it is so transparent.

OP posts:
notanumber · 22/01/2010 16:09

"I want to know why the hell she thinks it is ok to tell him this stuff."

I'd say the question is more along the lines of why the hell he thinks it is ok to tell you this stuff.

Because he may well have "told her there was no chance and she had missed that boat and that he was very happy with you etc" but that doesn't mean that he's not giving you and her mixed signals. He's still hanging out with her, she's still coming to the wedding....

Not suggesting he's doing anything untoward, but what you desctibe isn't exactly someone who is being absolutely firm and clear.

Rather that he's a bit flattered by both the attention he's getting from her and the jealousy it's provoked in you. A nice ego trip for him you might say.

Original poster
kellze · 22/01/2010 16:11

I sometimes think he is oblivious to the harm/upset his being so damn honest can cause

OP posts:
Morloth · 22/01/2010 16:12

I don't know, I would be unimpressed with DH if he didn't mention this sort of thing to me.

We both get asked out sometimes. We tell each other and have a laugh. Would much rather that than secrets.

oranges · 22/01/2010 16:12

i think you need to make sure she's not at the wedding. Esp if you are moving back to Australia later on.

notanumber · 22/01/2010 16:14

Why will you "..just have to keep an eye on her when we emigrate"?

Either you trust him or you don't.

Unless you think she's capable of drugging him, forcing him to have sex with her and forge his signature on divorce papers so he's free to make her a blushing bride.

You're getting married to this man. He's the father of your child. Why does an ex who holds a flame for him pose so much of a threat that you'll have to keep an eye on her?

Either there genuinely is a risk of him being unfaithful with her or else he is allowing you to believe that there is a risk and is not doing much to discourage it.

Original poster
kellze · 22/01/2010 16:14

I think I might lose her invite if she does it again and make clear to DP she wouldn't be welcome in those circumstances

OP posts:
notanumber · 22/01/2010 16:17

Morloth, it's one thing telling your partner about a stranger trying to chat you up.

It's quite another telling them all about an ex (who until recently you were considering getting back together with) who has declared their love for you. Oh, and all this is happening while you are on the other side of the world.

Original poster
kellze · 22/01/2010 16:18

Only 'keep an eye on her' in so far as it would cause problems if she keeps it up. I don't want him to lose an old friend and I would hate to be forced in to the situation of being mental/jealous wifey. I have been flattered by the attention he and I have both received at differing times in our relationship but once it is known we are taken no one ever tried to take it further. She seems to be ready to push it and like I said I don't especially want to push back.

OP posts:
DuelingFanjo · 22/01/2010 16:18

I think make it clear to him. When he gets back say you found it really upsetting to hear that someone who knew he is about to get married, and knew he was committed tried to pull this on him (and you) while he was over there, and that it's really made you reconsider wanting her at the wedding.

I mean, seriously, does he think it's ok for her to have done this. Presumably he will understand exactly why you really don't want to be her friend!

oranges · 22/01/2010 16:20

sod the "don't want him to lose an old friend." She's lost him as a friend by behaving like this.

notanumber · 22/01/2010 16:21

But how can she "push" it if your partner has been absolutely unequivocal about there being no possibility of anything happening?

notanumber · 22/01/2010 16:23

Agreewith DuelingFango.

Just say you don't want her there. Stop pussyfooting around him on this one.

Original poster
kellze · 22/01/2010 16:25

Oh God. Looks like I am going to have to be strong about this. I am usually such a wimp with any kind of confrontation or anything that may lead to one.

OP posts:
morningpaper · 22/01/2010 16:26

I don't understand his relationship with this woman

I've had exes tell me they love me still and want to be with me - it is the most irritating and needy thing in the world I want them to get far far away from me and shut up and stop being creepy

Doesn't your partner feel this way?