to ask why this woman keeps telling my fiance she is in love with him

[kellze]

She and my fiance had a very brief relationship a few years ago and only slept together once. He is in Australia atm visiting friends and family before birth of our first child and has met up with this woman as a group with mutual friends. She ended up telling him how she still loves him and wants to be with him and would do anything for him etc.

He told her there was no chance and she had missed that boat and that he was very happy with me etc.

I believe there would never be a chance of anything happening between them and trust him totally but I want to know why the hell she thinks it is ok to tell him this stuff.

Do I ask her?

It just did. a month before I was going out there.

How has it not killed him to be away from you for so much of the pregnancy of his first child though? I really struggle to understand that.

Kelize - As a mother you must have noticed that we, as parents, learn to be parents by being parents.

You are 11 years ahead of your boyfriend in terms of your parenting knowledge and experience.

You also have known your ds for at least 10 years longer than your boyfriend has.

In fact, you've known your ds for at least 10 years longer than your boyfriend.

I am sorry, but that is why it is so very, very odd that a. he gets a say in your ds' schooling and life and b. you're thinking of uprooting your ds and flying off to be with your boyfriend.

Again, I'm sorry, but I find this very disturbing too.

It has, but we were working towards something too. In constant contact, every day usually twice a day for at least an hour a time. He knows every single moment of the pregnancy inside out, even the yuk stuff. He shared the wonder and surprise when baby started moving, I describe everything to him. I have also cried and been comforted by him. He called as soon as my phone was switched on after the scans to make sure it went well and found out the sex of our baby. He has listened to my total mental pregnant rants and helped me through them.
He can't wait until next sunday at 630am when he finally gets to see the bump and feel our DS move. He has had to imagine how it feels for her to kick hard enough to upset anything I have rested on my bump and he wants to see it all for himself. He even can't wait to see how beautiful I am even with pregnancy weight. He has missed too much and he knows this and he hates it. I don't beat him up about it because there was little to be done at the time. From the moment he lands and for the foreseeable future, we are parents to 2 children and we can't wait.

I know and understand that as parents we learn by doing. But if I exclude DP, how will he learn?

If you weren't pregnant would you have moved this fast? I ask because I think seeing someone for a year is very quick to consider them as a father for your child. And frankly, what kind of decent father figure fucks off to the other side of the world for nearly six months on a jolly? I think you are deluding yourself. 5 months is a terribly long time in an 11 year old's life.

I understand that you are where you are and that you are determined to make a go of things but I urge you to stay here for at least a year once your baby is born to re-establish yourself as a family before moving to the other side of the world.

kelize, sorry if you have already said this, but in the year or so that you were together before he left for his Australian sojourn, did you and your dp live together and if so, for how long?

Jesus H Christ!

Kellze only came on here to rant about some tramp trying to make moves on her DF and her entire life and decisions have been pulled to pieces.

I'm so glad that we on MN, do not allow ourselves to get 'judgy'. Could you imagine if we DID????

He's coming back this week, he'll be around for the most important bit, the birth and beyond. I simply don't get why it's so critically important, and outrageously imperative that the DP/H/F has to be glued to the side of his pg OH for the entire time. Sometimes life really doesn't work out like that.

If OP had come on here and posted an AIBU about AIBU to want DP to be with me now I'm pg or similar, then some (but definitely not all) of your comments would be justified.

You are dragging her through the mud, suggesting she's not responsible in parenting her DC and that her DF is a waste of space, and that she's fleeing the UK cos people will look down on her if she has another DC with no dad....

FFS, where do you all get off dissecting her like that, when she only wanted to talk about the Ex in Oz.

Kellze, I'm sure it'll all be a lot better soon, when DF is home, at least he can see what kind of crap you have taken here so can try and make it all up to you.

Relax and enjoy the rest of your pg, good luck etc!

FWIW, I'd give yourselves at least a year with the LO before thinking about heading off down under, you need to have some good stability as a family unit before uprooting yourselves to the other side of the world.

You will need a really good support network, and if you haven't got that in Oz, really, life will be very hard for you and for your family unit. Take it from me, I spent the last 3 years with my DH and our DS in his country, DS was 6m when we went there and I can only describe it all as a total disaster, I'd not wish that hellish isolation and despair on anyone.

A degree can wait (could he transfer his degree to a UK UNI??), DS school can wait, you need to build your families foundations properly first.

That is the downside of AIBU. And the OP didn't have to tell everyone the rest of the story (the fact that her fiance is in Oz was really pretty irrelevant) but once she did, there was no way that people wouldn't comment on it.

If you can't take it, don't post in AIBU

Err....groundhogs, you don't get to rant sanctimoniously about how everyone is being judgy and not sticking to what the OP wanted to talk about and then go on for three whole paragraphs giving your (obviously superior and far more welcome) two cents worth about what you think kellze should do.

It's a bit rich to be outraged about others offering unwanted advice and then go on to do it yourself.

Incidentally, I'm not sure how your advice differs from what the majority of posters have said.

groundhogs - you are right.

I posted just because Kelize opened up, and I wondered if she had done that because ... she wanted to, and was, consciously or not, soliciting an opinion.

It is v. odd, sometimes, posting on mn. I do hope what I post comes across as just an opinion, offered, to be put amongst others and used to think with, rather than as a judgment, which is something quite different.

It is difficult, sometimes, if you feel drawn in, and then worry that you are not being quite "ethical", or something, if you don't, perhaps, say something ... .

But, groundhogs, you give a salutary warning of how that can come across.

Kelize - I hope, I really do, that I answered you as I might a friend. And I do, genuinely, wish you luck.

100% agree with groundhogs. There has been some totally irrelevant advice and judgement on this thread.

I was particularly impressed by the poster who berated her for getting 'sprogged up' .

Re your original question Kellze - I think if you had any reason to be worried about her, he would not have told you about it. Agree she wouldn't be invited to the wedding if it were me though!

notanumber I'm NOT calling her names, nor saying her DP is a waste of space. I'm NOT saying that she's wrong to allow her DF to be away from her during a pg. Nor am I saying she's an irresponsible parent to her DS. THAT'S how my advice differs. Do you see it now?

I'm sharing my experience of leaving my country very shortly after having my DS and having no support system.

I think i am actually extremely qualified to offer an opinion on the subject of emigration to a strange land with a new family. I sincerely doubt any of the shrieking banshees on here are.

i don't call that sanctimonious, it's offsetting the hideous abuse she's had at the hands of a few of the other posters on here.

So notanumber, I take it that you agree with the mass character assassination then? cos if you are disagreeing with me, that's the side of the fence you'll end up on..

Hmm, you know the grass IS greener this side of that fence....

The original question is 'why this woman keeps telling my fiance she is in love with him'

My answer to that (imvho) is because she doesn't see the OPs relationship with her dp as very commited/genuine/permenant based on his bahavior. The back story is totally relevent.

I don't think that a baby's father should have to be permenantly attached to the mothers side during the whole pg. What I (and others) are struggling with is a father who has no money at all bumming around for 5 months when he could be providing either physically or financially for his child. Does he think its going to be easier for him to make money when he is a full time student with a new baby? The OP is pg and unemployed and he is bumming around even though she has hated every second of it. Its not the same as working away/being self employed/being in the forces etc.

I thought LuckyJim's post yesterday was spot on btw. The back story is relevant because it transpired that the OP's fiance is not behaving like a supportive soon-to-be husband and father, and is very much giving the impression to his mates that his life priorities are bumming around with them: small wonder that an old girlfriend sees no problem in chancing her arm.

I think most of the people who posted on here are just responding to what the OP herself has offered as information and many are coming from a "been there, done that" situation. If not with the travelling then at least from a position of having to deal with kids/pregnancies/babies without the benefit of a fully committed (whether it is as it seems or not) partner.

When people have been there and done that it becomes hard to watch people do exactly the same stuff without saying something.

The ex-girlfriend's declarations of love would be a joke in a strong, committed relationship. They wouldn't be cause for concern or an AIBU post.

Lots of people have lots of experience with emigrating etc groundhogs and they have posted that as well.

If it all falls apart, you will not be allowed to bring the children back here just because you fancy it.

Are you prepared to live there for the next 18 years if the relationship does not work out?

'He shared the wonder and surprise when baby started moving, I describe everything to him. I have also cried and been comforted by him. He called as soon as my phone was switched on after the scans to make sure it went well and found out the sex of our baby. He has listened to my total mental pregnant rants and helped me through them.
He can't wait until next sunday at 630am when he finally gets to see the bump and feel our DS move. He has had to imagine how it feels for her to kick hard enough to upset anything I have rested on my bump and he wants to see it all for himself. He even can't wait to see how beautiful I am even with pregnancy weight. He has missed too much and he knows this and he hates it. I don't beat him up about it because there was little to be done at the time. '

From tens of thousands of miles away.

Little to be done about it?

It's not like he had to leave in the first place.

And yet despite being so solid and committed you're upset about some ex of his telling him she loves him.

What Morloth and Lucky Jim said.

In a real solid relationship, it would have been a joke.

Not even worth mentioning, let alone starting a thread about.

There's one born every minute . . .

FFS

Thanks to all who have been supportive. Thanks to others for advice and concerns.

To those who are intent on attacking me.....(i'm sure you know where that goes)

'To those who are intent on attacking me.....(i'm sure you know where that goes)'

Attacking you?

I feel very sorry for you, actually.

But even sorrier for your son, tbh.

Try not to take it personally. A lot of people just feel really strongly about some of the choices you say you might make. You can't be cross about that. Because no-one knows you in real life, this is based only on what you say are the facts. The majority also only relate to the future, so things that can still be changed, and with people urging you to seriously consider this.

Also, I've posted earlier and have read the whole thread - I don't think anyone has actually said anything bad about you. About your dp, yes, but for you, merely concern. Ok, and perhaps that you're being a bit naive.

I think they should both get into full time work in the same country. I worked to 40 weeks in all pregnancies and it means you have the financial ability to be responsible for your children and try to avoid men who are in penury. It rarely pays.