to ask why this woman keeps telling my fiance she is in love with him

[kellze]

She and my fiance had a very brief relationship a few years ago and only slept together once. He is in Australia atm visiting friends and family before birth of our first child and has met up with this woman as a group with mutual friends. She ended up telling him how she still loves him and wants to be with him and would do anything for him etc.

He told her there was no chance and she had missed that boat and that he was very happy with me etc.

I believe there would never be a chance of anything happening between them and trust him totally but I want to know why the hell she thinks it is ok to tell him this stuff.

Do I ask her?

Oh God.

Can't leave this alone. Why have you said "Oh god", Kellze? Are you alright?

At least you'll have a (admittedly, impersonal and often inefficient) state safety-net here if things go wrong.

I just finding the defence of my choices and relationship really hard to keep up. I don't think there are many out there who could. Not without swearing at someone anyway

I am hoping it will all work out for us all, and am really doing what I can to ensure that happens. He is a very good person and he really does do an awful lot for me. I want to make sure mine and our children have a good life. Thats all.

OK, Kellze, you have had a bit of a barrage, but I don't usually get involved with this kinda stuff, and the reason I have is because I've seen the fallout of people moving country with children and differing citizenship, the splitting and it's not great.
No-one's saying ditch him, or rule out a move to Oz, but please, just give it a bit of time.

Right, deffo going to bed now.
Sleep well, and keep us posted.

I will honestly take it all on board and think some more. But right now, all I can think about is getting him back next week.

Night all. I'll let you know.

kellze
I have read to page 8.

His first child, and he is not interested in being there for the pregnancy? It is not like he is stationed overseas in the military.
Am going to read the rest of your thread, but I hope he doesn't let you down. You deserve to have a partner who puts you before anyone else. As do your children.

OK, all other stuff aside, there have been a few comments on how horrific it is him not being here for the pregnancy...

It's not a hangable offence ladies, it's not like he needs to actually do anything is it? Not like he can be much use anyway...

OP has been through it before, has her mum, what's the problem?

My DH went off at 3m pg, came back at 6m, I'm usually first to moan, but really it wasn't a problem.

Now if he wasn't planning on being back for the birth, it'd be a dealbreaker.

OP's OH is back next week, she's not due till March. Perspective on this point please.

I had to go to bed.

No-one here means to attack you or make you defend your choices Kellze (but it would be good for you to make him defend a few choices).

Just slow it down if you can, really slow it down. Have your bubba, live together for a bit here. Move slowly and carefully.

Just a note, after some high profile parental abductions from Australia a few years ago it has been made extremely hard for a foreign national to leave Oz with their Australian citizen child. Australia is not a country that treats women badly, but we do tend to have a bit of an "us and them" view of the world. You would be "them" and he would be the hero trying to keep his baby safe.

Slow things down, it is all so quick. Meet, get pregnant, have a break (and you are kinda on a break here), have baby, get married, emigrate all in the space of 2 years? And he is only 25.

The women here have seen all this stuff and they are not talking at you to make you feel bad they are trying to get you to see it before it can happen.

Slowly does it.

Oh and there is plenty of bullying in Aussie schools, the red haired thing won't be an issue. But being a Pommy might be the preferred stick, or they will find something else. Bullies always find something.

"in the end i thought it better for him to go then rather than resent me for making him stay"

This is exactly what I said when my husband wanted his freedom and went to work in Hong Kong. He came back after six months because he missed us so much but told me on the night he returned that he didn't want to be here and he returned to HK two weeks later and that was the end of our marriage. We probably would have split up anyway as he just didn't want to be married with a family. HOWEVER, I should have stood up for myself and my girls and said 'No, stay and face your responsibilities' but I didn't want to be a nag so I let him go.

Also, you say that when you decided that moving there before the birth wasn't an option he booked a flight home. Which begs the question - when was his original return date if it wasn't before next week? Was he coming home before the due date?

I understand completely why you feel so defensive and adamant that everything is going to be ok (I've been in similar relationships myself although without the emigration bit) but, going purely from what you've written here, it would be wise to stay here for at least a couple of years until you take the huge step of emigrating.

One final thing, it's never good to use one person for all your support. It's a lot of responsibility for the other person and not good for you. I know what it's like to be alone and pregnant but you need to be confident that you can do it alone if needs be which you've already proved once.

You sound like a really lovely person but don't be afraid to stand up for yourself. From what you've written here he hasn't behaved terribly well up til now and you've gone along with it to keep him happy. Why did he need to go home and bum around for five months? Hasn't he been bumming around in this country for quite a while already (I know he's been working too)? Couldn't he just go home for a month? Surely he could have deferred his Uni place from here?

I'd also look a lot more closely at what your position would be if you emigrated and the relationship ended. You say you're sure you wouldn't be separated from your child but others are saying it's possible.

His words might sound committed but his actions are showing the opposite from what I can see.

Kellze...it must be very hard being on your own during your pregnancy.

I'm going to step back and try and look at the situation from your bf side because he actually sounds like an okay bloke. This is his first child right? And maybe he knows that it will be that much harder to go to Oz to visit family once the baby arrives. And maybe he thinks that because you've already got one dc, you've been through this before so it's not as big a deal as we know it is (he is a bloke remember). So I think a few of us are being a bit hard on him.

But he does need to come back and you two need to make a life together and see how that goes before you ALL decide (your ds as well) to make the move. I'm from another country and it's really hard to be away from family when you have children. But it's not impossible. But Australia is a long way away.

As for the other woman..she's probably just trying to get her two cents worth in before he has to come home to his responsibilities. Don't give her another thought.

What a mess. If you're not married in many countries he will have fewer rights to the child to pinch it from you and keep it in Australia forever whilst you're deported back to the UK but take legal advice of course. Make that the priority.

Did he tell you because he's wanting you to know he's torn between someone free and not pregnant and Australian and someone miles away who is about to pull him in his mid 20s into a life of domesticity and hard work in a foreign land? Whatever you do is work. I think if women with babies work full time and don't sacrifice their careers it makes their later life choices easier. Best thing I did in my 20s whilst having having three babies was building up a lucrative career and working full time always. The children will thank you for it later.

I know my responses are obviously coloured by my own experiences and feel free to tell me to piss off but this my take on the situation:

You've brought up your son alone and with no input from his father or that side of family. It sounds like you've done a grand job but I've no doubt it's been a tough ride. If you were to put pressure on DF to stay here and he said no and left then you would be faced with doing it all alone again. The alternative is to start a new life, in a new country with the man you love. No wonder you don't want to let that go.

However, a lot of what you have posted comes across as looking for the positives in his less than ideal behaviour.

Eg: He's buggered off to bum around at home for the majority of my pregnancy BUT AT LEAST he's coming back for the birth

His ex is coming on to him over there and is seemingly oblivious to the fact that he's engaged and expecting a child BUT AT LEAST he's told me about it

It sounds like you're doing an awful lot of sacrificing in this relationship as if you somehow want to make it easier for him. I hope you're not feeling grateful that he's stuck around at all rather than leaving you once you got pregnant? You're not ruining his life you know. He should be doing everything he can to make YOUR life easier especially as he knows you've gone through it alone before.

aside from the horrid generalisations about aussie women being gobby and demanding - I think you need to really investigate your standing should this go tits up when you get to Aus.

You will not be eligible to apply for permanent residency for you or your 11yo until you have lived here for two years. In that time - you may find it difficult to secure housing should something happen. A friend of ours who was on a temporary visa had real struggles finding accommodation or even looking to buy a house despite his very secure financial situation as he was on a temporary visa.

Childcare is expensive and as you are not entitled to benefits then you will not be able to apply for the rebate - so if you need to work whilst he is at uni - then you will find that hard.

Unfortunately bullying happens everywhere.

I live in QLD - not sure what part this dp is from - some places are difficult to settle in and can take time to get used too. Simple things like the climate - gets bloody hot here in the summer.

I spent four years living in the Uk and had my eldest there before my dh ( who is english) emigrated and I returned home to live. I met and married dh and had my eldest dd in the space of less than a year. So relationships that progess to very serious very quickly can work out BUT add in the lack of support for you when you come here - his life won't change - he may think he can come and slot into his old life even though he will be a married man of 2 children.

Do you know about applying for Australian citizenship by descent for this baby? The baby that you and dp are having is entitled to citizenship by descent and you can apply for that after the child is born. Just check the Aussie High Commission website and they will give you details.

And yes - Aussie laws can be strict about taking citizens from the other parent to live elsewhere after some very high profile child abduction cases.

As to why this woman is doing this - because she can - he is here in Aus and you are in the UK and to her - actions speak louder than words - he is engaged to you and due to be a father but is hanging out for 5 months in Aus saying 'goodbye'?!?!

"Gobby and demanding" comes from experience and isn't actually a bad thing when I am saying it. I like being gobby and demanding.

All women should be.

I think the focus should also be on your dp than on this woman. He is the one in your relationship who is not stepping up to the plate. As to her - who gives a shite what she says on facebook - work of the devil that is. Block her - she is not your problem.

I'd rather bring my daughters up to be gobby and demanding than doormats.

info on what might happen

That is a 55 page document Kellze, and even if I did read it front to back, my advice would still be to "Slow things down".

Nothing in that document takes into account emotions and family situations and bullying and ex-girlfriends and homesickness - and trust me homesickness is one of the most powerful emotions I have ever felt. It gets hold of you right down in the bottom of your stomach and pulls.

Carefully does it. We could all be totally wrong about him - and I really hope we are. But see how he reacts if you suggest living in the UK for a couple of years. Even if you don't want to, just check out his reaction to something like that.