about my husband giving a girl a lift to work, I ma being unresonable but can't help it!

[alfiesmadmother]

Talk some sense into me!

I had a baby a couple of weeks ago (important bit!), my 4th.

Found out this morning that this week DH is giving a girl a lift to and from work. I have no doubt this is a lift and only a lift! But he forgot to tell me. He has been setting off ten mins early and arriving home ten minutes late (because of traffic, of course). To make things worse it is MY car he is going in as his is in the garage. Also she texted him for a lift- why has she got his number? And he has never mentioned her before. aND HE ALWAYS RINGS ME WHEN LEAVING WORK to chat and hasn't this week as he has been talking to her in the car. And to ask for a lift surely they must get on well>

His explanation- sorry I feel anrgy, I thought I told you, can't I give someone a lift, I won't give anyone a lift again. The end.

My response I HAVE JUST HAD A BABY, SHOW ME SOME RESPECT, I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU!

So after dropping the kids of at school I have howled into my new baby and am still howling now and I would normaly have fogotton it by now but I am still angry.

Can anyone help.

YABU, but you're allowed. Every mother to a new baby feels vunerable and insecure, needing more from their husband than at any other time. If it really bothers you then let your DH say no more lifts, it's not the end of the world. Perhaps when you're feeling like yourself again you can change your mind.

My understanding that the defensive was before the "I hate you"

OP have you told your husband to continue with the lifts?

to the people on this thread who minimise the feelings of women who might have reason to get worked up rather than just being loons. Women have been called hysterical loons since the beginning of time, so well done

Junglist... I hope you don't think I was implying that you are nuts or anything and perhaps I shouldn't be on AIBU as I am cold and tired hence moody!
The OP hasn't implied that her DH was untrustworthy (unless I've missed something in which case I apolgize)

I'd rather do some one a good turn than not. I'd rather DH was the same.(He is) There are enough people who have gone out of their way in my life to do nice things for me or to make my life a little easier without wanting anything back. I think it's good to keep nice Karma going. After all at some point the tide could turn and the DH may need a lift to work one day.

And I'd rather be a loon than a fucking mug.

Well that's totally different, junglist. If OP or anybody else had an untrustworthy DH then fair enough, you'd be asking him to account for himself.

But I think we're coming at this debate from the pov that the man giving the lifts has no previous in the untrustworthiness dept.

Mr too junglist.

And glad I don't have postnatal psychosis as some of these posts would have me leaping off a bridge now.

What matters is that DH has acknowledged my feelings about this and said sorry so we'll see what tonight brings.

No Upahill OP didn't think anything was going on, neither did I in this case. But I don't think questionning it is wrong. Things do happen and I'm alert to any possibility. I can be a bit of a loon TBH and I do like getting my own way but that's because of a shit relationship I was in that's made me very vocal about my rights etc. On here we all come from different viewpoints

Here Here MorrisZap!

Fair enough Junglist.....I'll go and get warm and fed otherwise I'm just going to get grumpier and grumpier and that's not constructive to any one. The OP has gone and we are arguing the toss amongst ourselves here!

I agree OP's H has been reasonable about the whole thing. Still should iron his own shirts though

I´m glad things are better for you OP.

And of course it also depends on if it´s the sort of thing you would normally discuss as to whether it seems as if it would be likely that he had forgotten to tell you or deliberately not told you.

But with a new baby & lack of sleep I know that there were times I would have sworn that black was blue-and probably did!

Junglist I'm with you on that one!! I'm glad mine does his own (only he says because I do such a rubish job!!)

so I've come out of this as a mouthy feminist with slightly loon tendencies when I don't get my own way.

What a pile of shite!

If I knew and was planning to be late for school pick up/childminder/work/appt/meeting a friend, common courtesey would be for me to let that person know. I'd do the same for my hubby and he'd do the same for me.

What, because she's the 'little woman' waiting at home, she doesn't deserve to be kept in the loop?

We've no doubt all been late for reasons we can't control, but if you know you're going on a detour and it's going to delay you, pick up the phone, what's the hardship? Particularly if that's what you've always done in the past.

It's not controlling, I've been there and believe me, it's not even in the same ball park as controlling.

Give the OP a break FFS, she's just had a new baby, she's got 4 kids under 7 and she's hormonal.

My hubby works away for weeks at a time, I don't expect him to run by me every person he gives a lift/gets a lift from in that time, but if he made an arrangement to regularly do a favour for someone (man, woman, dog) that meant he'd be eating into our homelife every night, I'd expect to told about it.

What a ball breaker I am

By ten minutes?

You'd phone your DH to let him know that you would be ten minutes later home from work than normal?

The only people I call to let know I'm going to be 10 mins late is someone I'm meeting 1-2-1 in a bar or restaurant or my childminder.

It's not 'common courtesy' to tell your partner you're going to be 10 mins late home, it's bizarre

Agree wubbly...not that you're a ball breaker!

For an hour long journey, I would allow expect variations fo up to half an hour because of potential for traffic delays.

I used to work about 45 minutes drive away, but sometimes it could take an hour and a half. In similar circumastances nowadays, I owuld ring dh if it was safe - but as I don't have a hands free mobile, it would mean a further delay while I pull into the side of the road to do so.

Before I left my last job, I was a 17 minute cycle ride away. I would ususually ring dh just before leaving - but sometimes it would be quarter of an hour before I actually left, as I would meet someone on the way out and have a chat with them. Fortunately, dh is not the jealous type, as many of my colleagues were, shock horror, men!

Every night, you'd be ten minutes late and you wouldn't let your DH know who was eagerly awaiting your return because he'd been at home with a newborn, seriously? I have four under seven and I can tell you that ten minutes can make a huge difference.

I imagine the whole 'i hate you' ranting was a private expression of the pent up emotion because of the anger she felt towards him. No one else ever been so angry they wanted to bash thier partener over the head?

It pisses me off the OP is getting such a hard time over this.

It's not about 'giving a lift'. It's about making a daily arrangment and then not telling her. Obviously couples vary in how much they tell one another about the details of thier day, but i'm with the OP's style of relatinship here and I'd expect my Dh would mention an arrangement such as this. Just as he'd mention if he weregoing on the train instead tomorrow, general exchaneg of info about our plans.

OP I suspect your Dh may subsribe to the 'anything for an easy life philosophy' that my Dh does, where the first premise is:

Tell a white lie if it avoids a diffiuclt conversation or upset.

In his mind, as he knows it's innocent, he thinks it's better to fib than be honest and have an evening of grilling over something that's not imporatnt.

warped to us, but there it is.

Oh Sorry Alfiesmad..... There must have been a Xcross post and I hadn't relized you come back.
As you can see I said to Jung I thought you had gone leaving us to argue what was what!!
Tell you something though. I had mad moments when DS1 was born - not saying you are or anything .... Any way one day he wouldn't stop crying. I remember as if it was yesterday screaming that he was doing it on purpose and he wants to make a life a misery and on and on I went! I am so [embarrassed] thinking about that now and glad I was in the house by myself at that moment otherwise I might have been committed!!

I very rarely get home at exactly the same time every night. Unless you work at McDonalds, that is generally the way of jobs

I haven't read the whole thread, so not sure if I'm repeating points that have already been made (over the course of 221 messages, I suspect I am - sorry). I don't think you're being U at all to be annoyed about the secrecy element of it. I wouldn't mind my DF giving a lift to a female friend, but I would expect to know about it - I wouldn't expect him to ask my "permission" to do it, obviously, but I would expect him to mention it either before or after the lift.

He actually does get a lift home quite often from a (male) colleague but tends to mention it when he does - not because I need to know but because it comes up in conversation (you know, in the "was the traffic ok?" "yes, fine, got a lift with X". I'd actually find it slightly strange if I found out he'd been getting lifts but hadn't mentioned it (not as a one-off but as in not mentioning at all that it ever happens) - not because I think there is anything odd about the arrangement, but because we talk about our day with each other (apparently even the very dull details about travel arrangements!).

Haven't read all the threads but

a) I see nothing wrong with having colleagues's numbers. I have all my colleague's numbers -male and female - and occasionally have to ring/text them about work related issues.

b) a lift is a lift. If you put your foot down, then you yourself make something more of it than it is and the seeds of doubt are sown.