Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

about my husband giving a girl a lift to work, I ma being unresonable but can't help it!

306 replies

alfiesmadmother · 20/01/2010 10:45

Talk some sense into me!

I had a baby a couple of weeks ago (important bit!), my 4th.

Found out this morning that this week DH is giving a girl a lift to and from work. I have no doubt this is a lift and only a lift! But he forgot to tell me. He has been setting off ten mins early and arriving home ten minutes late (because of traffic, of course). To make things worse it is MY car he is going in as his is in the garage. Also she texted him for a lift- why has she got his number? And he has never mentioned her before. aND HE ALWAYS RINGS ME WHEN LEAVING WORK to chat and hasn't this week as he has been talking to her in the car. And to ask for a lift surely they must get on well>

His explanation- sorry I feel anrgy, I thought I told you, can't I give someone a lift, I won't give anyone a lift again. The end.

My response I HAVE JUST HAD A BABY, SHOW ME SOME RESPECT, I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU!

So after dropping the kids of at school I have howled into my new baby and am still howling now and I would normaly have fogotton it by now but I am still angry.

Can anyone help.

OP posts:
LadyBiscuit · 20/01/2010 15:26

I do a very good lines in withering looks GOML so they don't actually say it to me but I hear them saying it to one another.

Georgimama - double standards on MN?! Never!

BaronessBarbaraKingstanding · 20/01/2010 15:28

I wouldn't say it's a big important part of the day, but as I say we are quite dull and we exchange info on any vaguely different from the norm part of the day.

I do like to know who Dh has chatted with that day, he tells me about pepoel he works with who he has seen what's going on thier lives etc, what he'll be up to tomorrw, so if amongst our routine evening catch ups he never mentioned that he'd started giving someone a lift regularly I would be .

A lift is a boring routne part of the day but it is also personal non working time,

GetOrfMoiLand · 20/01/2010 15:29

LadyB - I have tuned out to all their crap now, have worked with blokes for years and it's either cycling to work schemes, the cricket or hot to configure laptops which are the favourite topics. Give me strength

prettybird · 20/01/2010 15:30

Haven't read the whole thread, but I used to give/was given a lift to/from a couple of male collegaues - a couple of years after I graduated so I was still a "bright young thing". It never even occurred to me that their wives might be upset or that they would need to pass it by them.

It was well before the days of mobile phones (shwoing my age ) but I can say that if they had beeb around, I would definitely have had theor numbers in my phone, in case any of us were delayed. I had/have lots of my (now ex) colleagues numbers in my phone just 'cos it is useful - no evil intent at all.

As a feminist, despite someone being surprised to the contrary, I find it quite upsetting that people always assume the worst of the opposite sex. Surely part of being a feminist is treating each other as humans

In terms of the OP, I can understadn that she was/is a bit hormonal following the birth of her child, so I will only gently say YAB(a bit)Uand I hope that she feels better soon and sorts things out with her dh

Chulita · 20/01/2010 15:32

Can I just jump in to say that alfiesmadmother said she was an idiot for ironing his shirts and having his tea ready and I think that actually makes her pretty amazing. DH would love it if I ever demonstrated that I even knew how to use an iron and his tea's rarely on the table when he gets in unless we're having leftovers. Other than that s for all!

BaronessBarbaraKingstanding · 20/01/2010 15:39

Don't you lot chat to your Dh's about what they got up to that day?

maybe their days are so intersting with all the saving people from death row/building tunnels in china/developing new treatmenst for parkinson type jobs to discuss, they wouldn't comment on such as insignifcant thing as who they travelled to work with.

Me and DH scrabble around for information to exchange on our dull lives, a new car share plan would be BIG NEWS!

littlemoominmamma · 20/01/2010 15:45

Those of you being really mean to the OP TRY TO REMEMBER she has only just given birth !!!!

If you are all so keen on giving people lifts and various other voluntary work and do-gooding why don't you all just b*gger off and do it yourself's and stop telling her that she should.

(It would be nice to see you all advertising lifts with YOUR husbands in all their workplaces, wether it makes them late, have to leave early etc.., no problem!)

She wants some time with her family and newborn she does not need this hassle right now.

OrmRenewed · 20/01/2010 15:48

DH cycles. If anyone wants a peggy on his bike I'm sure he'd oblige. OHO I drive .

claw3 · 20/01/2010 15:49

Would you have minded him giving a lift to a women he works with, had you not just had a baby?

RumourOfAHurricane · 20/01/2010 15:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

neenz · 20/01/2010 15:57

DH had better not slag me off at work

OP, if she lives on the way, why is it taking him 10 extra minutes?

I think he should offer to start giving her a lift again, as long as it doesn't add 10mins onto his drive, because that is a nice thing to do. If it was your DH who needed a lift, you'd want his colleague to help out, wouldn't you?

But a 10-min diversion is not 'on the way'.

skidoodle · 20/01/2010 15:58

"Don't you lot chat to your Dh's about what they got up to that day?"

I imagine it depends on the DH in question. I have no idea what my DH does all day or who he chats to, because he just doesn't do that kind of chatter. When I ask him he just looks perplexed.

He'd probably would tell me if he had arranged to give somebody a lift to work every day for a bit though. I suppose because it would be an "arrangement", so that would pass the test of being an important bit of information, whereas something funny that happened at work would not.

mayorquimby · 20/01/2010 16:00

sorry people saying the op is reasonable and the husband is some sort of deceptive control freak just read the interaction that the op had with him when she confronted him again.
"His explanation- sorry I feel anrgy, I thought I told you, can't I give someone a lift, I won't give anyone a lift again. The end.

My response I HAVE JUST HAD A BABY, SHOW ME SOME RESPECT, I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU!
"

and somehow he is the one who's being unreasonable?

skidoodle · 20/01/2010 16:01

A 10-minute diversion is on the way if it's an hour's drive.

I am mean enough to begrudge that 100 minutes a week if I had a newborn, but I would be fine with her getting a lift if she could meet him somewhere that didn't involve a diversion.

Maybe the newborn I am expecting at any moment won't terrify me as much as the last one did.

CarmenSanDiego · 20/01/2010 16:17

No, slagging each other off at work isn't ok.

No, I'm not controlling or weird or paranoid or any of those things.

But I do think giving someone a lift to work and back is noteworthy in daily life, especially when it adds 20 minutes to his work day. If I was giving someone a lift, I would definitely say, "Oh, I need to leave early tomorrow/today because I promised to take Bob to work."

What worries me is he initially said that he was slowed down by traffic (insignificant/wishy washy) and then later added that he was giving his colleague a lift (more significant to the lateness and more noteworthy than traffic). That strikes me as unnatural in conversation and would worry me because it seems like a chance to buy thinking time and weigh up how you would feel about things. That IS worrying.

It annoys me how when women listen to their instincts they are told they are paranoid/controlling/unreasonable. Even if those instincts are coloured by postnatal hormones, it doesn't negate them. In fact, I think instinct may be stronger at these times.

Georgimama · 20/01/2010 16:22

Actually the OP specifically said she had no instinct that her DH was up to no good with the "girl". This:

"My response I HAVE JUST HAD A BABY, SHOW ME SOME RESPECT, I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU!"

was what most people considered unreasonable. And, by the by if you do think your husband is shagging around, counterproductive. Hardly likely to bring him running back to the bosom of the family, is it?

upahill · 20/01/2010 16:49

I gave up half way through reading these messages because some of them sound so bonkers. Get rid of this women !! People scream. Value your self. Don't have his tea ready (ha that will teach him!) 'He never told me he was giving her a lift! It took 10 minute that's ages!! He should have told you he was doing this favour. OMG!!

You are hormonal and bonkers!(we've all been that way!

Most days I don't mention have the favours that have been done for me or that I do for other people and that includes lifts. Unless it came up in conversation as in 'Oh this is funny, I gave dave/ tom who ever a lift today and they were going on about that new pub.........'
'I was going to walk home and go to such a street and Ged from such a department gave me a lift. that's me -a lazy bones then!!'

My mobile may ring and a males name may come up. DH will say you're phones ringing and I'll say bloody well answer it if it's in you're hand who is it anyway? Later I'll say oh that was so and so from caving club or so and so rang about canoeing sessions. No deal whatso ever!!
If my Dh said don't you dare give so and so a lift anymore (Meaning because they are male) I would piss my sides laughing and think wtf are you on?
If Dh said I am not happy you are giving this man a lift because I am your priority I would have him certified.

All what attention he is giving her!!!! You are definatly hormonal. Get a grip before he resents you telling him how to behave and you become a laughing stock of his department.

Lady B I am the only female in a male team. They all have partners Not one of them slags of their wife or girlfriend. We are part of a bigger department I have honestly NEVER EVER heard any one say anything nasty at all
and believe me we try to get away with talking instead of working when we can at times!

MorrisZapp · 20/01/2010 16:50

Prettybird I totally agree.

Being a feminist is nothing to do with sticking together and not shagging each other's husbands, and everything to do with treating other women with respect, and not as your competition.

No feminist would imply that other women who simply exist and are female are a direct threat to them and somehow their enemy.

junglist1 · 20/01/2010 16:59

No, wives should not put up and shut up if they're unhappy about something. Whether it's innocent OR NOT, if I'm unhappy I'll say so, as a feminist. Not because I think the woman wants to shag my bloke, but because I have the right to question why she's in my car without my knowledge. That's called expecting to be number one, and respecting myself when nobody else has bothered to

MorrisZapp · 20/01/2010 17:02

Of course you should say if you're unhappy. But if your fears prove to be unreasonable or unfounded, then your DH doesn't have to placate you in order to show respect.

If my DP was upset becuase I enjoy chatting with various men that I work with, I'd say you have nothing to worry about, and I won't change my behaviour. DP is number one to me, but he's my partner, not my owner.

Nobody has to give in to unreasonable demands just because the number one person in their life is the one doing the demanding.

Georgimama · 20/01/2010 17:05

If you're unhappy you'll say so "as a feminist" - regardless of whether or not you are being a bit of a loon?

So presumably husbands shouldn't "put up and shut up" about anything either. Regardless of whether they are being reasonable or not.

"That's called expecting to be number one, and respecting myself when nobody else has bothered to"

I just don't inhabit this strange world where my husband daring to so much as take a shit without my prior consent counts as him "disrespecting" me.

diddl · 20/01/2010 17:06

I don´t think OP is being that unreasonable tbh.

Yes she overreacted-but the husband-"can't I give someone a lift, I won't give anyone a lift again."-why so defensive?

And imo he has overreacted by now stopping the lifts.

upahill · 20/01/2010 17:06

Ffs!! There's people in and out my car all day. Dh takes my car (because it;s the nicer car) when I go working away for a couple of weeks. I wouldn't dream to even think of questioning who has been in my car!! How dare he give people a lift. Flippin heck ther are some angry people out there and all these disrepectful people accepting lifts without getting consent from Number 1!!

Blimey I better start getting stressed and stamping my feet a bit more at things if I want to be a MNer.

junglist1 · 20/01/2010 17:07

I just don't think women that have these concerns are mental or flawed in character, or even paranoid. Some H's really are untrustworthy in one way or another. I admit being very guarded with men and self defensive, but am still a feminist and not nuts.

Georgimama · 20/01/2010 17:08

Defensive and over-reacted in the light of her "I HATE YOU! I HATE YOU! I HATE YOU!" I would imagine.