about my husband giving a girl a lift to work, I ma being unresonable but can't help it!

[alfiesmadmother]

Talk some sense into me!

I had a baby a couple of weeks ago (important bit!), my 4th.

Found out this morning that this week DH is giving a girl a lift to and from work. I have no doubt this is a lift and only a lift! But he forgot to tell me. He has been setting off ten mins early and arriving home ten minutes late (because of traffic, of course). To make things worse it is MY car he is going in as his is in the garage. Also she texted him for a lift- why has she got his number? And he has never mentioned her before. aND HE ALWAYS RINGS ME WHEN LEAVING WORK to chat and hasn't this week as he has been talking to her in the car. And to ask for a lift surely they must get on well>

His explanation- sorry I feel anrgy, I thought I told you, can't I give someone a lift, I won't give anyone a lift again. The end.

My response I HAVE JUST HAD A BABY, SHOW ME SOME RESPECT, I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU!

So after dropping the kids of at school I have howled into my new baby and am still howling now and I would normaly have fogotton it by now but I am still angry.

Can anyone help.

The 10 mins is not an issue when it's a one off, it's the regular commitment that means giving up 10 minutes of homelife time with the kids (very precious) that I would expect to be told of. I can't see any good reason, other than 'oops, totally slipped my mind' not to share that with your partner.

DH rarely leaves work on the dot anyway, but yes, he always rings me when he's about to leave, to let me know he's on his way. Not because he's scared I'll kick off or is reporting in, just courtesey to let me know and perhaps because he just wants to hear my voice . It might take him anything from 30 minutes to an hour to get home, again no problems, he's not on a leash.

If either of us was on a night out and said we'll be back by 11ish 12ish and turned up 1/2 an hour later, no probs. If we were going to be more than an hour later, we'd let each other know. If he said he'd back at 2am, he wouldn't ring to say he'd be late, 'cos I'd be asleep. What other people chose to do in their own relationships is up to them, if they're both happy with great.

I was brought up to let my parents know exactly where I was and when I'd be home, because I knew they worried. I was a considerate teenager and a considerate adult.
Guess I'm just odd like that.

From what the OP has said, it's not that she doesn't trust her hubby and it's not that he's 10 minutes late, it's the fact that he's changed his routine of calling her on the way home and has committed to an arrangement to do a favour for someone else that means he gets to spend less time with his family at exactly the point she needs him most and not told her.

Your husband sounds like a nice man for giving someone a lift although he was a bit daft not telling you about it. I think most men wouldn't realise how important that 10 mins is to a woman at home with small children (mine hasn't a clue!) and it will become less important to you as the weeks go by. You are certainly not crazy but no doubt v tired and in need of a hug and someone to put you first. I hope he does so tonight and you put this behind you. (It sounds like you're being super-mum and I feel v guilty I never have tea on the table and make DH iron his own shirts! I'm slightly in awe of you!)

I'd have reacted the same and I haven't had a baby.

It's not about giving a lift.

It's not about monitoring what time he gets in.

It's about him making a regaulr arrangement and not mentioning it his wife.

My Dh will reguarly take other people out with him on visits, I don't need a berakdown of this, but if every day he was leaving the house to pick someone up and every day returning having droppped them off having spent an hour in a car with them and he never mentioned this fact I would find it very odd.

If it was a women i'd be anxious about this odd fact of not mentioning it, as my Dh is hetrosexual, which means whilst he will not fancy every women he meets, he may fancy some.

Am i right in thinking it's an hour each way this journey? that means they are spending 2 hours together and he never mentioned it. That would be odd if it was male or female passanger, day in day out. It would at least come up at the level of x was saying...'oh she's the women I'm lift sharing with'.

Some are making out the OP is a shreiking loony who will not allow her Dh out except under supervision or with permission and no where near women.

These are not the issues here.

@ Junglist
no disrespect meant whatsoever, but do you think your mistrust of men and also demands to be 'number one' might be coloured by your own relationship experience? I don't mean to single you out but your response is quite excessive.

I agree with BaronessBarbara. It is definitely strange and not nice to not mention the arrangement. I also hadn't twigged that they were spending two hours a day in the car together. I find it strange that this did not come up in the OP's DH's conversations with his wife. Unless he and the girl sit in silence for two hours, isn't it weird to not say "X said so-and-so while we were in the car" at some point?

I am not saying anything was going on between them (and am sure it wasn't), it just seems very odd not to mention it.

I would also be sad about missing out on my telephone chats with my DH if this was the previous arrangement which has been curtailed by this new arrangement. I chat to my parents on the phone most days while walking the last bit of my journey to work, and would miss that if for some reason they made a different arrangement which meant we couldn't speak then.

IMO the OP is not BU.

Probably and also the experiences of a lot of my friends. When people have a nice H my opinions may come across as a bit Twilight Zone but to me it's common sense

Aaaaaaaaaaah, threads like this make me think that we all must have such different experiences of those few weeks after birth.

OP, I can sympathise. YABabitU but you're allowed to be. I was a complete mentalist for months. By my standards you're being acceptably loopy.

Those who think she's mad - of course she's fucking mad, she's had a baby, didn't it make you lot go completely bananas for a few weeks at least? Give her a break!

Having a baby is not an excuse to go mad in my books.

You see, the whole thing about going mad is that you can't help it. I guess some of us deal with the whole hormonal thing better than others. That doesn't, IMO, render those of us who struggle lesser beings.

but deffo an excuse to be hormonal. TELL your DH you are hormonal, he is not a mind reader.

going mad is different form being hormonal though isn't it

and no, it doesn't make you a lesser being

Having a baby IS and excuse to go mad, or actually to be shown some more respect than usual.

And ten minutes is enough time for tea to get burnt or ten minutes of the kids asking when will Daddy be home.

Anyway DH just nipped in and asked if I was Ok and has gone to play football (at least thats where I hope he has gone ) so won't get to talk til later,

I KNOW i am being loopy, as I am normally very laid back and for the people asking if I would feel differently if I hadn't just had a baby...er YES! And FWIW I feel emotionally a little insecure and unsupported but pretty happy with the way I look and who I am in general , loopiness aside.

And having only left the house to do school runs/buy food I think I am perfectly entitled to know what DH gets up to all day while I look after his children and home!!!

And yes we normally would talk about these things, which makes it particularly upsetting and probably he just thought sigh I can't even be bothered to have that conversation...

And yes I guess I just need a hug and him actually to be bothered.

And I'm not really that great with the tea as I have to make the kids tea anyway and we all eat the same. And I can watch telly while I'm ironing.

And yes I thought it strange he has not once mentioned her name or what she has said in the car! Is it trying to avoid the conversation or that he doesn't care what she says hmmmm...

"big hug and a kiss on the forehead" - take no notice of some of the loonies on here, most people seem to be supportive of you, will make you a virtual cup of tea x

Maybe he didn't tell her because he knew she would react as she has, completely unreasonably?

I can't believe the responses on here. (not the OP to be clear, but others) Posessive, jealous, unreasonable and controlling. 10mins late? Bloody hell, should he text her from the jacks if he goes for a shit that takes 5 mins longer than he said?

Alfies, you are not BU to iron his shirts or cook his tea. I do the same for my DH because he works very hard so that I can have a great time at home looking after our kids . I like to make things easy for him at home so he can focus on his work, which is pretty high-pressured with long hours.

Poo - I don't think you have read the whole thread, go back and read it through.

It has nothing to do with "10mins late" the OP is not posessive, jealous or controlling (which I DO think you are inferring). She had every right to know if her husband was giving a lift to another woman every day for 2 HOURS a day then making excuses for being late and leaving early. Especially as she is postnatal and has 4 children under 7 to look after.

All she was asking for was a little respect and sensitivity from her husband. He has agreed he should have told her and appologised. I can't understand why people are judging her sooo harshly (behind some ridiculous femenist banner !)

A little kindness and thought would be good.

OK OP, well you did post in AIBU. And say "I am being unreasonable". So funnily enough some people do think you are being unreasonable.

And I can't agree with this at all: "having only left the house to do school runs/buy food I think I am perfectly entitled to know what DH gets up to all day while I look after his children and home". Does he expect you to give a blow by blow account of what you have done so he can judge whether it was worthwhile him going out to work for?

Clearly your set up is very different to some other posters on this thread, including mine. And I didn't go loopy just because I had had a baby. I was still me. Very much more tired for a while, but otherwise completely the same.

I thought it was for 20 minutes a day, not two hours a day.

as i said, not talking about the OP's posts, but other responses...was that not clear?

Alfiesmum I think the having a baby making you loopy thing is a redherring actually, and it's giving people a a reason to dismiss your feelings as irrational and 'hormonal'.

I'd be pissed off in your scenario now and my kids are all above 5yrs, and I'm quite laid back, and I don't mind my Dh giving peoples lifts or being late from work.

You were upset because it seemed odd not to have mentioned something which he was doing daily. I understand, because I would feel the same. Not becuase I'm a nutty control freak but because it's the sort of thing my Dh would usually let me know and it would seem very odd, and like a delibrate witholding for some reason, if he did not mention an arrangement like this.

As I said my Dh would tell me if he were getting the train tomorrow instaed of going in the car, not because I have to know his movements, but because we exchange information as we're married (and we have to talk about something)and if I found out he'd been secretly geeting the train my first thought would be why?

Ignore the mud slinging, and cries of 'hysterical, neurotic crazy women can only be due to loonie hormones and definitley not a man being thoughtless like you fanatical feminists always say!!!!'

Your DH was a numpty (see my Easy Life Philosphy earlier I have one of these too) and you are justified in feeling angry and worried.

OK, well I don't think the OP's feelings were attributable to her being a hormonal woman, and I didn't make that connection (she did though, in her OP). I think she was just irrational and unreasonable and her husband wasn't doing anything wrong.

"should he text her from the jacks if he goes for a shit that takes 5 mins longer than he said?"

I haven't read the thread (so shoot me) but would say I work with some very nice (much attached,older,wonderful,hilarious and totally unfanciable) blokes who would go otu of their way in to help re lifts but i can totally understand where you are coming from op in your state of post partumness if such a word exists.These blokes would just see it as a friendly act other than there being anything else involved,tbh.But when you have had a baby it all goes arse over tit and everything is magnified a zilion times.Prob nowt in it at all but I can understand why you are feeling pissed of in regard to where you are in the whole new baby issue.

OP, it sounds like things are a bit better, but FWIW, I don't think you are being unreasonable at all.

My daughter is over a year old now, and I still text her Dad to let him know if my bus is delayed and I'll be 10-15 minutes late, because I know that by 6pm he's watching the clock. When I was home with her, a newborn, you'd better believe that I wanted him home on the dot, if not before, because I was desperate to be able to get things done. And I needed him to tell me about his day, no matter how uninteresting, just to remind myself what conversation with an adult was like!

I suspect, to play armchair psychologist, that he didn't tell you about the lift because he felt like he needed a little private space in his life. I know that when I feel crowded in upon by life, or my husband hasn't gone out without me in months and wants to do stuff together all the time (he's fairly shy so doesn't really have hobbies/friendships apart from me, and likes to do things as a couple, and doesn't need much alone time; I'm gregarious and have independent friends but also like my space and my time alone) - well, I'm not proud of it, but I do start keeping things back. Not actual lies, and I'm not doing anything that isn't innocent or which he'd care about, it's just a childish reaction to feeling like all my time is accounted for.

So I'll be a bit vague about something. Or I'll leave work early just so I can have a coffee and read a book for a bit and I won't mention that.

It's childish. And more importantly, I'm speaking about before we had our daughter. Now, I know that time taken for me is time taken away from him, and that's not okay. So I'm totally not defending your husband, just speculating on his motives. Not all lies (or omissions of truth) come from infidelity, I guess is my point. But it doesn't make them okay.