about my husband giving a girl a lift to work, I ma being unresonable but can't help it!

[alfiesmadmother]

Talk some sense into me!

I had a baby a couple of weeks ago (important bit!), my 4th.

Found out this morning that this week DH is giving a girl a lift to and from work. I have no doubt this is a lift and only a lift! But he forgot to tell me. He has been setting off ten mins early and arriving home ten minutes late (because of traffic, of course). To make things worse it is MY car he is going in as his is in the garage. Also she texted him for a lift- why has she got his number? And he has never mentioned her before. aND HE ALWAYS RINGS ME WHEN LEAVING WORK to chat and hasn't this week as he has been talking to her in the car. And to ask for a lift surely they must get on well>

His explanation- sorry I feel anrgy, I thought I told you, can't I give someone a lift, I won't give anyone a lift again. The end.

My response I HAVE JUST HAD A BABY, SHOW ME SOME RESPECT, I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU!

So after dropping the kids of at school I have howled into my new baby and am still howling now and I would normaly have fogotton it by now but I am still angry.

Can anyone help.

Poor bloke! I'm sorry but if someone has a problem with their partner doing a colleague a favour by giving them a lift to work to such a degree that they have suspicions of cheating and/or ban him, then you obviously have major, major trust issues and that is your problem and not his. You must be so fun to live with. All this talk of "oh it might lead to funny business" is just absolutely ludicrous, and to be honest who could blame him for having his head turned if you're on his case over such trivial matters!

That's not really aimed at the OP, just an observation in general. Take it for what it's worth.

YANBU
I have not read all 11 pages of replies, so I do not know if it has been asked already, but
why couldn't she take public transport to work? I can see one ride in an emergency situation, but it should not be a regular thing.
The part that would really, really bother me was that he did not mention it to you, that he was doing this.

If he feels he needs to hide it, then he probably should not be doing it. People need to be 100% open in a marriage. And your wishes and needs come before some coworker.

Threepwood said Thu 21-Jan-10 02:09:49
Poor bloke! I'm sorry but if someone has a problem with their partner doing a colleague a favour by giving them a lift to work to such a degree that they have suspicions of cheating and/or ban him, then you obviously have major, major trust issues and that is your problem and not his. You must be so fun to live with. All this talk of "oh it might lead to funny business" is just absolutely ludicrous, and to be honest who could blame him for having his head turned if you're on his case over such trivial matters!"

I disagree and I think you are missing the point. He was hiding this information deliberately from his wife. It is not like he said "so and so has asked me to give them a ride to work for a week while their car is in the shop", and she cried out" NO, how could you do that to me you low down two timing scum bag!"

He was secretive, and surely you cann't find that a quality you would want in a partner?

OP I am really failing to see where the deceit is - do you mean because he didn't mention it? How many times had he given her a lift before he told you?

Despite your claim that you believe it is only a lift you do seem incredibly jealous (it being made worse by the fact that it your car - how? and the anger at her having his number and presumably his hers)

If you do trust him as you say you need to let this go before it causes a real problem in your relationship because screaming at him that you hate him over something so trivial is the quickest way to drive someone away.

What I don't understand is why OP's H suddenly started giving his colleague a lift immediately after OP had her baby. Has she just moved into the area? If so, it seems odd to not mention it at all. If not, why couldn't he have waited just a few more weeks before starting giving a lift?

FWIW I don't think OP is BU - she is at home all day with small children and her H has stopped calling her after work to let her know he's coming home (a small thing, but obv important to her) and is also doing something that (while in and of itself isn't wrong) is meaning that he spends less time at home with his wife and newborn than he otherwise would. I think he is being insensitive to not realise that his wife clearly feels like she has been moved lower down his priorities at a time when she should be top of them. And him stopping the lifts is IMO an overreaction (and, IMVHO, looks like a mini-tantrum) - what he really needs to do is listen to the OP and really take on board how his actions have made her feel.

What is he thinking!!!

Of course you are going to feel, upset, jealous and angry!!

Who wouldn't!!

He would not be doing this if he fancied her BTW so do not worry about that side of things.

But I would also be furious if this was happening to me. esp not chatting to you like before after work all those little things ......

Oh dear ... what to do now!!!

Ask him to stop?? Deal with it??

Talk to him ........ come to a decision where he has to decide what is truly best for you as a new mum to his baby and your feelings ..... x

I haven't read all the thread but I think YABU.

So what if he's giving her a lift?

I don't get what the problem is.

And, fwiw, if my partner was clock watching every time I went out and I had to phone them to say where I was and when I was coming back I'd go crazy!

alfiesmadmother

I dont think yabu but can i ask f your DH says it is on his route to and from work why is it taking him an extra 10 mins every morning and after work??
Also does she pay any money towards petrol if not then she is taking the piss and your DH is being a mug.

Well he came in, said he loved me and was genuinely lovely about it. And probably pretty sensitive. I can't remember if I mentioned that he only texted her on his work phone which he does not bring in the house- which made me feel even worse but he said that was because he didn't want to give out his own number.

I think the issue is my feelings. I have 4 young children and a 2 week old baby and feel tied and neglected while he carries on life as normal.

I still think I have a right to know what he does through the day, though not every second obviously and I am big enough to know that of cousre he speaks to women. And I am jealous not because of that but the fact that he has the freedom I don't have at the moment.

Luckily he's lovely and understanding about how I feel, unlike a lot of female posters here. Am quite shocked to realise that the normal hormonal ups and downs after childbirth( that are unreasonable but quite justified!) aren't understood. Being called a fruit loop is not really that helpful. And I am not normally jealous or controlling.

At the end of the day he was just silly not to consider my feelings and should have known 4th time around that I would feel vulnerable.

I'm glad your DH has been lovely about it all, I've got just the one DD so far and I feel tied and neglected so you have my sympathies with 4!
I hope all the hormones settle down soon and you enjoy your brood

Im not keen on all the crys of " hormonal " to be honest and wonder what the response wouldve been if op hadnt just had a baby.
And like someone else said, i dont have my colleagues phone numbers because theyre not freinds , just colleagues.
I dont think theres a problem with having a little caution with these situations, sometimes its wise to.

Crys of hysterical controlling nagging wife arent helpfull at all,, i was one of these when i didnt like my H spending time with some woman from work ( he was shagging her ) but of course it was only lunches ect and only freinds and im being controlling.

Thing is affairs start somewhere, theres nothing wrong with being aware of this and taking steps to prevent this. Anyone whos been to counselling re an affair will be aware of affair proofing your marriage and boundaries with the opposite sex.And no that doesnt mean your partner cant ever speak to another woman again.

And no, im not hysterical.
I wouldnt be happy, about the missing phone call that you normally get, the non mentioning of lifts and if hes someone who just chats casually about his day i would be worried hes not ever mentioned her or the fact theyve swapped phone numbers.So there you go im hysterical and controlling too.

Op please dont state to your H that your hormonal and sorry ect, i actually think hes been unreasonable and there does apear to have been an element of secrecy ( or lying by omission )here.
What i would want to know is who is she,
why does she suddenly need a lift and when did they discuss this and swap numbers? And why was he late if hes not going out of his way at all and why didnt he phone you ? Does it matter if shes in the car? Whats with the in a hurry thing? Bollocks to her, let her get the bus.

Fwiw a few of my colleagues live in my area, i dont give a shit how they get home, i like my car to myself after being at work all day, nor do i want phone calls mithering about what time they want me to pick them up in the morning, its just hassle i dont need. Maybe im tight but i just dont dont want them wittering at me all the way home in the car.Unless i knew someone well and was comfortable with them i really wouldnt want them in my car every day struggling to make polite conversation..So which is it, is she a freind or a colleague?

Hopefully its nothing op but i dont think your wrong to have questioned it, wish id have questioned it a lot more when the office tart was being driven around in my car.
Ignore the crys of controlling hysterical theres nothing wrong with looking out for your marriage.

'Of course you are going to feel, upset, jealous and angry!!

Who wouldn't!!'

I wouldn't. It's just a lift.

The lift itself is not a big deal. If he lied about it (and the OP has not been clear about that) then that is wrong.

I drive 55 mins to and from work every day. If I gave someone a lift and it then took me 65mins to get the work, I would not consider that 'on my way'.

The OP has been made to feel like she is not important, that her DH is more bothered about giving someone a lift than being home to help her. That is slightly unreasonable because I am sure her DH does not think that, but it is understandable.

I would be very surprised if it was anything to do with 'holding things back to create his own space' as tortoise is suggesting. And I am not sure why he would wait a few weeks to start the lifts just because OP had a baby. Either he was going to say yes to the lifts or not. And if he said yes they were going to start straight away.

(Sorry, I don't drive to work every day, cos I only work two days a week, but it takes me 55 mins!)

Alfiesmum - I have read the whole thread and I think that although my initial reaction was that you were being a bit unreasonable it's completely understandable why you were.

Having four young children; ironed shirts; dinner on the table; and letting him use your car? He'd not get that in many houses - I imagine he's counting his blessings!

Alfiesmum, I don't think you are a mad woman. I think you were mad at your DH and that was probably OTT based on what he had done, but he was being quite insensitive as DHs have a tendency to be.

What is the deal with 'my car'/'his car'? Surely you just have two cars, one of which you usually use, one he usually uses.

It is hardly 'your car' when you both worked to buy it.

Ooh no! 'my' car is a nice shiny new-ish one, 'his' car is the old tin pot rattling run-around and yes, his wages paid for both! (In my defence I always offer the family car but he chooses the 18 year old Clio because it's more dangerous and thus more fun )

Ah, well you see both our cars are a bit crappy

Dont want to sound paranoid but why does he never bring his work phone into the house? Where does he keep it then?
Clearly he does use it if theyve used this number to arrange lifts.

Neenz - the only reason I had suggested that he could have waited a few weeks to start giving the lifts was because it is likely that this would be more convenient for the OP - her OH could have agreed to do lifts generally but asked that she make alternative arrangements for a short period of time, to ensure that he could get home asap for the first few weeks.

I think YANBU, after reading the whole thread.... and I agree with Skidoodle.... I would not be happy either.

He didnt mention it to you, and you have a right to be upset... I completely understand.... anyway you sound like you have sorted it with him... the most important person to sorted it with !

Congratulations on No' 4

Hello, congratulations on your new baby. 4 makes you super woman in my book.
i read this thread yesterday but you had some good advice so I didn't post.
But I have just got off the phone to my DH who drove to Belgium yesterday. He's on his way back with a woman in the car.
Now I'm pretty peeved that he didn't tell me he was taking one of his team with him.
I can only imagine the crockery smashing reaction if I'd been post baby hormonal.
You have my sympathy but I bet you'll look back in a few months and feel you overreacted. We all do!

Alfiesmum, I know exactly what you mean about being a bit jealous of the fact DH still has a life whilst you're stuck at home.

I put it to my DH that he came out of the whole marriage/baby thing a lot better than me. Changes to his life, well, he gets home from work to a warm welcoming home, dinner (usually) ready, housework (sort of) done, laundry washed and ironed, bills paid and a wife and child who can't wait to see him.

Changes to my life? Well, my brain has gone to mush, I can't remember where I left my memory, my tits have done a u-turn and I piss myself when I sneeze.

It's a really difficult adjustment to make and I do remember screaming at him in the early days 'you don't understand, you've still got a life'

It does get better though and I know you already know that 'cos you've done it 3 times before!

Like you, I'm sure your hubby is guilty of nothing more than getting on with his life!

YANBU and I'd also wonder about that work phone.

everyone's so free and easy here about it but affairs are a matter of opportunity and proximity so it's not crazy to have your guard up, hormonal or no.

(not trying to blow a lift into an affair but as was said before, things start somewhere.)