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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think my nanny shouldn't take holiday on the day I have my c-section

201 replies

Gangle · 19/01/2010 22:14

Our nanny is mostly fantastic, however, I mentioned to her yesterday that I would probably have my c-section for DS2 on 19 March. She replied saying, oh, I was going to take the afternoon of that day off as I need to do X, Y and Z for my wedding. She is getting married in May so is taking 2 weeks then then asked/told me us a few weeks back that she would need to take another 2 weeks from the end of March. I agreed but was slightly annoyed as DS2 is due on 26th March and I was really counting on her being around the first few weeks after he is born to look after DS1 as I wanted to keep things as normal as possible for him. Anyway, so the March holiday wasn't so much of an issue but now she wants to take a half day on 19th which is likely to be the day I have my section as they usually book you in at 39 weeks. I said that to her and she said, oh so and so (the other mum in our nanny share) will watch him that afternoon, which she would but it's not really the point as I just want no dramas that day and to know DS is in his usual routine. In addition, DS is very difficult to settle at night, only goes down with me or the nanny, so on the day I do have the section I was planning to ask her to stay late and put DS to bed. When I said to her that that was the day I would have my section, I expected her to offer to take another day but she didn't so I think I am going to have to put my foot down and tell her to go another time. Am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:
Hedwood · 20/01/2010 00:06

I am sure the OP is Washwithcare...too many similarities...

whooosh · 20/01/2010 00:08

Honeydew-no need to be SO condascending when the OP is askng a prefecly reasonalble question.She is EMPLOYING a NANNY and for good reason (no need to be bitter that she is able to because she works).
Many of us do cope with all that life throws at us but OP is NBU and doesn't need villfying IMHO.

PureAsTheColdDrivenSnow · 20/01/2010 00:15

Hedwood- really?
why would she bother? gah... MN is getting weird these days!

also: what whooosh said.

pooexplosions · 20/01/2010 00:19

YABVU. If she asked and you said yes, you're both unreasonable and a naive employer. I'm always surprised at how many people hire nannies and are unable to act as a employer should.
Waiting for her to offer to change dates, expecting her to anticipate what you want, how bizarre. She says I want the day off, you say no its not convenient. How hard is that?

Rindercella · 20/01/2010 00:44

By PureAsTheColdDrivenSnow Tue 19-Jan-10 23:40:49

doesn't matter when she wants her c-section! the nanny needs to have her leave agreed by her employer! Whatever the reason, and this seems to be a pretty fucking good one, then the nanny cannot have the day off. Simples.

Exactly.

I was going to put a , then realised I have much more to add

Gangle is not washwithcare She's on my antenatal thread and we have similar due dates. Pretty sure you've been around for ages Gangle?

I am currently trying to work out who is going to be around when I go into labour with DD2 - not easy when you don't have close family anywhere close by. I wish I did have a nanny to rely on - if I did I would most certainly be relying on her to be working on such an important day. Who knows how the birth will go, and maybe Gangle's DH might be at the hospital with Gangle at bedtime?

I think there's actually a load of inverted snobbery on this thread: Gangle has a nanny and therefore must be stinking rich How very dare she? Why can't she do what the rest of us do and rely on family?

I am now a SAHM, but when working I had to agree my days off with my employer. There was one time when I agreed time off, booked a holiday and was subsequently asked to postpone as the go live date had slipped. I was mightily pissed off, but did it (and was suitably compensated for it). There were times when I knew I couldn't take time off - quarter end, year end, etc.

Gangle, YANBU. But you need to sit down with your nanny explain to her that she must have her vacation agreed with you prior to booking anything, as per the terms of her contract.

Good luck

Rindercella · 20/01/2010 00:45

Told you I had a lot to say

mybabywakesupsinging · 20/01/2010 02:27

am I being dense?
Why would Gangles's DH be able to put their ds1 to bed on the day she has her section?
Wouldn't he need to be at the hospital with Gangle and their new dc?

frakkinaround · 20/01/2010 03:35

YANBU at all.

As a nanny I wouldn't have even thought to ask for the date of an employers C-section off. I would have been on 24 hour call in case something went wrong and I needed to be around to look after charges, put them to bed, stay the weekend, whatever. ESPECIALLY if family were a flight and train ride away.

Likewise all my holidays have been approved by my employers, even when I had to grovel very hard for one week in 6 months between DH (although we weren't married then) coming back from Lebanon and going off on another mission. If my employers had said 'no' then that would have been that.

Check what your contract says but I suspect it will say 50% her choice, 50% yours. I'm assuming she's chosen the 2 weeks around her wedding so you can play hardball and say 'No, you can have the time in March or the time in May. Choose.' - I know which one I would have gone for. Or tell her that she's taking March as unpaid leave and use her salary to get a post-natal doula or maternity nurse in, but I suspect you'd rather DS1 had the familiarity of your current nanny and you can't be bothered managing a temp.

jabberwocky · 20/01/2010 03:55

YANBU! Had a similar situation with nanny when pg with ds2 and it was really awful and uncalled for. Stick to your guns (/employer contract)!!

peacocks · 20/01/2010 04:04

yanbu

peacocks · 20/01/2010 04:05

Agree with everything Rindercella says.

OP just say no: it's up to you when she has a day off.

Gargula · 20/01/2010 05:53

YANBU
This is an employment issue and I agree with Rindercella. But, at the same time, don't expect her to "care emotionally" about your situation as perhaps you would like her to, she is your employee ultimately.

On another note - don't worry if you're offered a date for your CS before 39 weeks that it will cause difficulties for your baby's breathing. The vast majority of children are fine if born a little early (isn't the "due date" from 37 to 42 weeks round due date anyway?)

peacocks · 20/01/2010 06:08

"Regardless of the rights and wrongs of how time off was requested/informed I think you need to chill out rather about your DS and making everything controlled and perfect. Alarm bells for me already at the fact that he only accepts certain people putting him to bed. He will need to be more adaptable when his sibling arrives and so, frankly, will you."

Yes now is a GREAT time to be changing your ds's routine . You silly girl, haven't you thought of this before? Put your major abdominal surgery and the new baby to the back of your mind and chill out!

FiveBells · 20/01/2010 08:18

YANBU. You are her employer, and she is employed to look after your child, and it would seem to me that the day you have a C Section booked that would be a time when she should NOT take time off. A bit like other workers are not allowed to take time off during peak periods. She should be open to negotiate this as it is still plenty of time before her wedding to take time off instead.

GothDetective · 20/01/2010 08:22

You don't know for sure what date your section will be. If the hospital offer you the date of the 19th then say you would prefer the 20th. If there's space they will change it for you. Its only a day different.

Also you say you were going to ask her to work late - what if she says no? I'm guessing she's under no obligation. If you put your foot down and say she can't have the 19th off then she may well turn round and tell you where to go when you ask her to work late.

LIZS · 20/01/2010 08:30

If it wasn't convenient you should have said no but at least you aren't left without any childcare if you donlt now say anything. Unless she is very experienced or you had discussed it previously the potential timing issues of the birth (cs or otherwise) may not have occurred to her or previous employers may have booked theirs privately for their choice of date.

As to putting ds1 to bed , you have 2 months to work on dh being able to do that and it would prove worthwhile anyway if nanny is likely to be away for the two weeks at end March as you may not feel up to doing it every time. I think the problem may be that you had assumed she'd be at your beck and call for the birth and feel let down that she has other priorities - if so yabu.

peacocks · 20/01/2010 08:34

Yanbu, again, of course. Shopping or a c section -- which takes priority date? I think shopping can be changed just as easily as a c section . She works for you, not the other way round.

Romanarama · 20/01/2010 08:36

yanbu, presumably it's the day in your life that you will need your nanny more than any other day ever. You should point this out to her and ask her to do her wedding shopping or whatever another day as that is more flexible. Since your c-section might change you should also say she might have to change her plans to fit with your c-section. She will only find this annoying if she is very selfish or just dislikes you anyway. It's not as if you're asking her to rearrange her wedding for your c-section after all.

Original poster
Gangle · 20/01/2010 08:42

Ok, first of all it's a nanny share costing £1,400 a month per family (£2,800 in total inc tax) , so around the same cost as a good London nursery so we are not stinking rich. I have agreed to every other holiday request she has made, no question, and never asked her to take holiday on certain days. Her contract just says that holiday must be mutually agreed. We do not have family anywhere near so I am relying on her to be available when DS2 is born. DH himself is a hospital doctor and is rarely around and when he is, he is pretty useless (but that's a separate issue). I can't change him or DS's temperament nor is it the right time to start changing DS's routine. Even if she didn't work late, at least she would have DS until 6.30 as usual, at which point DH would go home. The whole point is that I didn't want to have to worry about this and rely on friends etc when I know DS will be difficult. I am definitely going to say to her that that date is really inconvenient and can she please take another Friday afternoon off. If she refuses then I will need to reassess.

OP posts:
Original poster
Gangle · 20/01/2010 08:46

And yes, I will be left without childcare for DS if it does go ahead on that day.

OP posts:
Original poster
Gangle · 20/01/2010 08:48

thanks Rindercella. I am not washwithcare, whoever she might be!! Haven't been on the ante-natal thread for a long time but will check back in soon

OP posts:
YorkshireRose · 20/01/2010 08:49

Goth - don't bet on it, maternity units are so busy I doubt if they will change a non-emergency appointment because "it doesn't suit my schedule"!

I had to wait a week hanging around the ante natal ward for an "emergency" induction when I had pre-eclampsia with DS because no labour room could be found.

TBH this nanny sounds like she has very little consideration for her emloyer. Most employers are sensitive to the times that it is critical that they should be there and a nanny should have the sense to see that taking time off around her employers due date is going to be tricky and should only consider it in the direst of emergencies. Why can't she sort out her wedding arrangements on weekends? I did!

And as has been said several times on this thread already, she is your employee, she is entitled to holiday but NOT entitled to dictate when she can take it. An employer should not with-hold permission to take holiday without a good reason, but this is a damn good reason if ever there was one!

I haven't got a nanny myself, my DCs are now school age and I manage to fit working hours around pick up times. However, if it really is the norm to pussy-foot around your nanny, being scared to say no to her in case you upset her, then I don't think I would want one anyway!

abride · 20/01/2010 08:54

Sit down with her and suggest that if she can take another half-day you'll give her an extra half-day off and so she'll have a whole day to do her fittings.

That way it's a win-win.

YorkshireRose · 20/01/2010 09:01

Crikey, she is taking a whole two weeks in March off to prepare for a wedding in May!

Where is this wedding being held, Westminster Abbey?

Sounds like a bit of a bridezilla to me - in her eyes nothing else can be as important as the wedding of the century!

( I seem to be running through the smileys, so just to complete the set: )

Gosh, I enjoyed that!

Milkmade · 20/01/2010 09:02

You do realise that once you have the baby, you'll likely be feeding etc in the evening and other people (i.e. your dh) will have to put your kid to bed sometimes? Tbh I find it a bit pathetic when fathers apparently "can't" do basic parenting...