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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think my nanny shouldn't take holiday on the day I have my c-section

201 replies

Gangle · 19/01/2010 22:14

Our nanny is mostly fantastic, however, I mentioned to her yesterday that I would probably have my c-section for DS2 on 19 March. She replied saying, oh, I was going to take the afternoon of that day off as I need to do X, Y and Z for my wedding. She is getting married in May so is taking 2 weeks then then asked/told me us a few weeks back that she would need to take another 2 weeks from the end of March. I agreed but was slightly annoyed as DS2 is due on 26th March and I was really counting on her being around the first few weeks after he is born to look after DS1 as I wanted to keep things as normal as possible for him. Anyway, so the March holiday wasn't so much of an issue but now she wants to take a half day on 19th which is likely to be the day I have my section as they usually book you in at 39 weeks. I said that to her and she said, oh so and so (the other mum in our nanny share) will watch him that afternoon, which she would but it's not really the point as I just want no dramas that day and to know DS is in his usual routine. In addition, DS is very difficult to settle at night, only goes down with me or the nanny, so on the day I do have the section I was planning to ask her to stay late and put DS to bed. When I said to her that that was the day I would have my section, I expected her to offer to take another day but she didn't so I think I am going to have to put my foot down and tell her to go another time. Am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:
duchesse · 19/01/2010 23:15

Actually I think it is quite a big dealfor her to be there on the day you have your second child. It sounds as though there's either an issue between her and you or she's just not understanding that having a section means you're having another baby, with all the potential trauma, upheaval etc for your LO.

Maybe she feels it's the last possible day she could have off for a while since you'll definitely need her full time after the baby's born. Can you take the day before your section off, and look after DS yourself so that she can do her errands? She may have arranged to meet a girlfriend or her mum or someone. And you don't actually know the exact day of your section yet either. You can't make her change her day off before you know.

saintlydamemrsturnip · 19/01/2010 23:15

If your contract allows just say no she can't have that day.

Don't take it personally she is just being dozy about the issues.

If your contract doesn't allow you to say no then suck it up this time and then draw up a new contract.

You need to deal with holiday as per the contract - as you would in any job.

Original poster
Gangle · 19/01/2010 23:17

thanks Elliephant and Jumpty, thank god there are some voices of reasons on here before my blood pressure shoots up even more!! Seeing midwife tomorrow and will see what I can get out of her by way of dates. Just thinking, a later date for the section may be better as it gives DS2 more chance to come by himself as DS did. Just feel so weird picking a birthday for them. 19th felt right though as its a Friday and DS was born on a Friday (yes, I am going bonkers!)

OP posts:
Original poster
Gangle · 19/01/2010 23:20

So, if the EDD is 26th March, should I ask for section that day? Only thing is, my section with DS was scheduled for his due date and ended up having an ELCS as went into labour at 37.5 weeks. Wouldn't that run the risk of having another ELCS?

OP posts:
nellie12 · 19/01/2010 23:27

gangle you do what is best for your health and the babies. but seriously you need to sit your nanny down and chat about her arrangements and what flexibility you will need from her and what you are prepared to be flexible over - which may not be the day you have a cs.

madwomanintheattic · 19/01/2010 23:28

funny old world.

i am curious what your contract says though - i have to say i've never had any issues with organising holiday for any of our nannies. i must be softer than you lot, too, as if they asked for a day off and it wasn't convenient for me, i'd still make other childcare arrangements...
(and i'm well versed in having no family near lol, that's what happens if you marry the army lol. 3 kids in 3 countries...)

def sort your dh out though. nanny or no nanny, i'd want him to be able to cope with a firstborn/ subsequents whilst i was juggling a newborn... in fact, when i had dd1 by elec cs, i was in hospital for 5 days... we didn't ever have a live-in though, and as i worked frequently at weekends, he was often left holding the baby/ ies. i guess he got used to it fairly rapidly! only on the rare occasions that we were both away at once did we ask the nanny to sleep over/ weekend. but our contract quite clearly stated that it was the nannies choice to cover those periods. they all did though.

maybe it was the way i ASKED. (sorry lol, couldn't resist the caps)

PureAsTheColdDrivenSnow · 19/01/2010 23:29

I think duchesse speaks sense... maybe she doesn't realise...

saffrone · 19/01/2010 23:29

Ignoring all other issues of nanny, both my SIL have had CS's, both are hospital based doctors and both scheduled them on a monday, as doctors tend to be freshest then...hospital environments may have changed over last couple of years. Just my two cents.

islandofsodor · 19/01/2010 23:33

YANBU. You are the employer, she is the employee.

Employees can request holiday but it is the employer who approves it or otherwise. You would be perfectly within your rights (unless it specifically states in the contract that she can choose her holiday dates) to specify that she has no time off during this whole time.

This is only the same as any other workplace placing restrictions on when employees can take holidays due to busy periods, lack of cover etc.

Mumup · 19/01/2010 23:38

This thread has gone in an odd direction. You have a simple employer/employee problem. She doesn't get to dictate her exact holiday dates and you don't shoot them down unless there's a good reason.

She's a paid nanny. She wants a load of time off when you most need her (including, for no apparently compelling reason, on the day you hope to have your section). What's up with that?

I would tell her to take the Friday one or two weeks before instead, and I would not have agreed to her taking a 2-week holiday ten(ish) days after the birth unless I wanted to be alone (which I would, but then I don't have a nanny for that very reason).

Sit down and have a sensible discussion about when she can take her two weeks and her afternoon off. I'm sure you can find a mutually agreeable date so she can plan her wedding.

And if you can't or she's acting unprofessionally about it all, then ask if you should be employing her at all.

sayithowitis · 19/01/2010 23:38

You wonder why you should have the C section earlier in order to fit in with your Nanny's plans, but you've already said that you have chosen this date for superstitious reasons! That is just as unreasonable IMO!

whooosh · 19/01/2010 23:39

YANBU-there may be people on here who view nannies "eliteist" and only for certain people but the reality CAN be very different.
I always had a great relationship with my 2 nannies (not both at the same time before someone jumps on me) -i think it is sad that she doesn't seem to have the commtiment to DS (who will need reassurance etc) or the relationship with you that she would not consider taking this date off.
My biggest concern would be that she doesn't seem to give a monkies about how DS is going to cope with the new arrival-how long has she been with you and how old is DS?

PureAsTheColdDrivenSnow · 19/01/2010 23:40

doesn't matter when she wants her c-section! the nanny needs to have her leave agreed by her employer! Whatever the reason, and this seems to be a pretty fucking good one, then the nanny cannot have the day off. Simples.

[twitch]

islandofsodor · 19/01/2010 23:42

I think you are being a bit harsh on the OP. She has said that the hospital reccomend it to be 7 days before EDD. The way I read it is the "superstitious reasons" for wanting that date are to avoid an emergency section as the OP experienced that previously. She feels that going over increases the risk?

PureAsTheColdDrivenSnow · 19/01/2010 23:42

oh good, now I have the Thomas theme in my head

islandofsodor · 19/01/2010 23:43

I have it in my head 24 hours a day 7 days a week, mostly sung by ds!

elliephant · 19/01/2010 23:48

I think you should talk to your dr re due date - ideally a few days before is perfect but your past history might be a factor.
I know it may vary from hospital to hospital but my consultant had certain theatre slots which he booked his elective c/s into.
My two elective c/s were, as I said, on due date, which I hope is unusual, and ten days early .

BTW, I agree that it might be good to allow your DH to practise putting DS to bed, even at weekend if he can't during week etc . DH is probably going to be a more secure rock for your DS than Nanny if she is turning into a bridezilla. But don't worry too much. DS3 was very clingy and I was anxious as to how he would adjust to my absence and the new arrival. He took it in his stride and just transferrred his limpet devotion to his grandma.( Thank you MIL)

I do hope things go well for you , if you can remember some of those breathing techniques this could be a good time for them!

PureAsTheColdDrivenSnow · 19/01/2010 23:50

'do do do do do do do do

they're two they're four they're six they're eight, shunting trucks and hawling freight, red or green or brown or blue, they're the really usefu......

[PATCDS has been found twitching on the living room floor, having suffered a breakdown following repeated Thomas and Friends]

PureAsTheColdDrivenSnow · 19/01/2010 23:50

[twitch

HAUling.

sorry.

islandofsodor · 19/01/2010 23:51

Aargh!

Sorry OP.

ineedapoo · 19/01/2010 23:52

He is your DS you will have CS in morning and hence why can't DH look after him

honeydew · 20/01/2010 00:00

Most people have to cope without a nanny.

Do what we all do dear- get your family, friends, partner or others to help out and just get on with it like the rest of us who have to go home after a section and a few days later are doing full time childcare of at least 2 children plus chores.

I don't know your situation so perhaps I shouldn't comment, but the real world won't have much sympathy for you.

elliephant · 20/01/2010 00:02

Ineedapoo, even babies born by elective c/s don't stick to the timetable. An emergency c/s or delivery will take precedent over an elective c/s so the OP might miss her scheduled 'slot' and baby's arrival might be later than expected. Factor in time spent by mum in recovery and her Dh could be very late home.

SmileyMylee · 20/01/2010 00:03

YANBU - the nanny should take holidays when it is convenient for you. She is obviously so caught up in her wedding plans she hasn't really thought about your needs.

You don't really know when the c-section will be though, so just suggest she takes the time off earlier.

Re the March time - I wouldn't have agreed to this. However you have done it now, unless you can speak to her and ask her to take the time off when it is more convenient for you.

PureAsTheColdDrivenSnow · 20/01/2010 00:04

honeydew - that's a very helpful comment, I'm sure the op is grateful for your input
(and no, I don't have a nanny either, chance'd be a fine thing- just can relate, regardless of my social standing. Sniff)