My child is afraid of dogs - any tips?

[longforasnooze]

Hi, my nearly 4 year old has been afraid of dogs for as long as I can remember, though he has never had a bad experience, and certainly we are not fearful so no nervousness from me. He would cross the road when he saw one coming, leap into my arms if one got close and make a lot of fuss. Any kind or size of dog, doesn't matter, he panics. I know fear is irrational but....no reasoning will placate him.
My partner wanted a dog for his birthday and has always wanted one and we felt my son was now old enough to cope, and we decided to get a puppy so it would be totally unthreatening. We reasoned that once the unknown element was gone he would warm to it and think it was fun.
We are now 4 days into him being at home, he is a gentle and quiet little dog and very curious about the children. The baby doesn't care, but there is no improvement in my 4 year old, who will barely be in the same room as it, climbs up to the highest point from it if he is, and is generally being panicky and squealy. We have confined it to the kitchen so he feels safe in 'his' spaces, offered endless rewards for stroking it, or being friendly, struggling to find behaviour towards it we can praise, reasoned on all logical fronts, watched Scooby Doo!!
Does anyone have any experience of helping their child through their fear of dogs so they can become friends. I would hate the dog to get older, see his fear and then think he was the boss. Any helpful hints greatly appreciated.

you sound like you'r talking sense to me longsfor. can't say the same for some of the others i'm afraid who i think are barking.

don't go longforasnooze!!

You seem really sassy and fun, its good to have a bit of a banter on here - you'll be ready for it next time!! If i want proper sagely advice and i bit of hand holding i post on different sections - i too have been slapped around the face with the wet salmon that is AIBU many a time, and ive learnt not to post anything too serious on this part of the forum. Seriously, you are missing a great resource as a parent if you bugger off. It can be a little bit middle classy and judgey at times but on the whole, ive had lots of support over some very serious issues on this board and have a lot to thank it for - ive also wasted farrrr to much time getting dragging into arguments!

My truthfull opinion is that you could have possibly waited until your LO was a bit more confident around a dog before taking one on. But having a dog as a child is a wonderful experience and it would be a shame for him to miss out on that, so in the long run i think it will work out ok. I bet if you had posted on here saying, "my child is scared of dogs" end of, not saying that you had already bought one "for your DP" you would probably have been advised to get one! Tahts the thing with AIBU, people hone in on one tiny little sentence or phrase, and your toast!

Good luck with the pup!

Why would you ask a child repeatedly if he wanted a dog, and hearing his fear and opposition expressed, repeatedly, go ahead and get one? That sounds like bullying to me.

There are many more ways of making a child into a kinder person than interaction with a dog he is afraid of.

I have never cracked open a psychology textbook in my life, btw.

mathanxiety- why shouldn't we help children overcome their irrational fears?

DD has been afraid (initially) of...slides...rocking horses...shoes (being made to wear them) ...her playschool ball machine...all of which she plays with very happily now. how daft it would have been to remove these things rather than keep them about so she got used to them...

i wouldn't have been doing her any favour at all if everytime she shied away from something i promptly removed it - that would be affirming her fear and decreasing her confidence out in the world.

Well folks, wrong or right, he wanted to take it for a walk this morning. Perhaps not our most sensitive decision, but we did genuinely believe we could help him overcome the fear and it would all be forgotten and enjoyed.
TSC, these changes have all been over a year, with good parenting children cope, there will be things that happen in his life that he or we can't control. He's not angry with us, and I am quite confident by next week he'll be enjoying him and will thus have learnt to control a fear and trust our decisions. TSC I think you are harping on on the same old line a bit, it might be time to move on from the 'it's an insensitive and bad decision line' cause it was our decision and we made it. I can see your angle, but my kid can say Boo to a goose and then give it a pat!
Ella's Mum. Thanks. Once I knew where I was I sort of recovered myself! It is a little stressful for an evening though, I do get quite worked up! Once I'd calmed down and considered people's opinions, there was a lot of good stuff in between and I am confident in my parenting skills so I can lay aside the tree hugging stroke your child to sleep scratch bad mummies eyes out and pout in the street Mummies comments, fair enough.

children often don't know what they want - what a four year old wants today, isn't necessarily what they'll want tomorow. glad to hear OP's DS seems to be getting over it.

if i listened to my kids that much..there are a whole plethora of things i wouldn't do (includig work, and hoover...i think i could live with the latter!)

Well as i said earlier in the thread my ds has a water phobia, not just a fear but a screaming, hysterical phobia and we moved to a house with a small swimming pool in the garden!

Last Summer he watched my older boys splashing about in it for some time and i even managed to pull him about in an inflatable dingy. Next summer i am hoping he will get wet and put a foot in.

Is it an age thing do you think, how old is your third? My son was a fearless little chap, then I have noticed a wariness about things that wasn't there before. Perfectly healthy things to be wary of of course, but wondering if they make a cognitive leap that enables them to see there is potential danger in things.

Honestly I think, talking endlessly and listening and and appeasing to everything he says would have built up more anxiety around the whole getting a dog thing, or just more anxiety around meeting them in the street. This way he gets to confront it all and at his pace. today he was able to sit on the sofa with Dad and the dog on the floor and see that if he stayed still and calm the dog got less excited and that if he said no or ignored him he actually went away. After this he was wanting to take him out.

Quite EA, there are many things we sacrifice, the house is modelled around their needs, our weekends and sleep schedules, what and when we eat, where we go on holiday, how we spend or money, how little money we have so I can be home for them, they can't have it all absolutely their own way and I don't think I like the message that would send.

At 4, children naturally have irrational fears about things ... dogs, spiders, water, the dark. In my dcs' case, some come and go, some linger.

Why the unholy rush to cure a child of a dog aversion? Time and maturity are the best cure.

The fears aren't irrational though are they? Fear of spiders? Well, some spiders can kill you! Fear of snakes? much the same. Fear of dogs? Yep they kill people too. Water? Well, you can drown in that?

I have a pet theory, its not really mine, but i like to think of these fears as inherited memory. There is part of our brain that triggers and anxious response to "bad things" and its a protective mechanism. It would have been very correct for our ancestors to be afraid of dogs etc. The same way as animals have "instinct" so i have often wondered if it is the same thing. A child who is scared of dogs like the OPs for no apparent reason, could be acting on instinct that as their brain develops is hypersensitive? Just thinking outloud - well, on screen - im not speaking as I type!

As we get older we learn that most spiders are ok (i still hate them) but in some countries there are really dangerous spiders. We learn to swim. We learn that most dogs are lovely and a really important part of the human family. When we are wee we only really have our instincts to go on.

A mum at DDs school is scared of dogs, so, her child is scared of dogs - im going to ask her round to tea - she can meet mine, hes not scary at all - mental but not scary.

Lucyellen, i read something similar, about fears being a form of 'retained reflexes' where we retain instinctive primitative reflexes to protect us from harm.

Well we are all wired to survive. There are two parts of the brain, one is called the amigdilla or something, one is fight and one flight and they govern our instinctive behaviour from way back when until now I think, a baby for instance instinctively knows when the is a drop and will not crawl into empty space.
Personally I think my 'fight' bit is more dominant, which is perhaps why I have taken the less sensitive approach of proceeding and helping my son face his fears. Perhaps those of you who think I should have waited and so on would be more inclined to 'flight'!!

I always think it is things that make unpredictable movements, for instance, I am not scared of giant beatles, that little chap can walk along my hand, but those big ol' cockroaches that used to be in my flat in Taiwan, that came out of nowhere, no thanks.

There is no unholy rush to 'cure him' though road safety has been an issue since he will jump off the pavement without looking. We're making progress, it may seem a little mean to have proceeded.
Thing is he used to really like cats, cause my Mum had one (though I think they are more unpredictable and you can't train them at all really) and a little cat used to visit our first house. However, since he has not seen or been with one for over a year when my sisters came at Christmas he was scared of it. I am inclined to think unknown fears start to fester unless dealt with.
We have not got the dog to 'cure him' but it will be very nice when he can rationally deal with them. A little healthy fear will always be good though, not all dogs are nice pets.

I would think in terms of choosing your battles, not fight v. flight.

Whether or not the origin of the fear is rational or irrational, the likelihood is that over time, rational thought through developing maturity and benign familiarity, will overrule instinctive fear. There is lots of time.

"The fears aren't irrational though are they? Fear of spiders? Well, some spiders can kill you! Fear of snakes? much the same. Fear of dogs? Yep they kill people too. Water? Well, you can drown in that?"

Personally, I still think the fears are irrational. People aren't only scared of dangerous snakes or spiders, people are scared of all of them.

I am afraid of spiders, it's irrational. I know that the spuiders I come across in my house cannot harm me, yet I am scared of them.

I own quite a few snakes. All perfectly harmless, but I have a few friends and their husbands who are scare do fsnakes, and despite me telling them that what is in front of them is completely harmless and will not and cannot hurt them, they are still scared. That is also irrational to me, despite the fact that some snakes might be capable of hurting them.

Midori, i think a fear only becomes irrational once you are an adult or can reason like an adult.

Isn't when the fear is irrational it becomes a phobia, what's the difference there?
I agree, BS yo're right, choose your fights, of course there will be times when walking away, or running like the clappers, is more appropriate.
I don't think we can only rationalise fears as adults though, or we'd all be afraid of everything until we were adults. The rationalising process changes and matures as we get older, and experiences and chances to talk with others all help these.
For instance if I'm honest I can still sometimes be scared of the dark, as an adult I rationalise that I am being silly, as a child I rationalised that I'd made a deal with the ghosts that they could only have the bits sticking out of the duvet. Both systems get/got me through the night!!

TSC, how terribly insincere!!

Long, have you ever tried explaining that to a 2 year old!

No seriously, you are quite right when a fear is irrational it becomes a phobia, but only once you are capable of rational thought.

"tree hugging stroke your child to sleep scratch bad mummies eyes out and pout in the street Mummies comments, fair enough."

Why would you post a question about a parenting issue and then throw one hissy fit after another when some posters don't agree with you? This is a bit like what you did with your DS -- ask him for his input and then say "tough, we're doing it my way after all. Get over yourself".

As TheSceondComing said, good luck with your DS. I'm sure this is the last time he'll ever be miserable about anything and tell you about it. But at least you can be sure he's not being mollycoddled and therefore will grow up to be some sort of really manly guy.

What are you afraid of in your relationship with your son? What fears do you have about how he will turn out? Why is it not ok to be afraid of something?

I don't think it is a case of posters disagreeing with the OP, they have practically called her bad mother and also told her she is 'putting her boyfriend' (her childs father) before her child. Tbh, I think some people obviously have emotional baggage which clouds their sensibilties, as they seem to repeatedly feel that parents are putting other people or things before their children.

I think claw3 gave a very godo example. Her son was afraid of swimming, so she got a pool. Eventualy her child got used to being around the pool, used to seeing people having fun there, and started to enjoy it himself. At no point did she say she was chucking her son in the deep end of the pool. Same with the dog, it is there, but that doesn't mean it is 'in the childs face' does it?

Whilst it is fine for people to be afraid of things, if that is something they must come across in every day life, it inevitably effects their quality of life.

I am sure the OP knows her child best, and whilst not all, most mothers do put their children above all else. I don't think the OP getting a dog means she is not doing that, and as it turns out, it seems the situation is working otu wel, with her DC asking to walk the puppy today.

Personally, I don't think allowing 4 year olds to make decisions about too much is wise. Had it been my child, I wouldn't have even asked them. I am the parent, and ultimately, I make the decision in this household.

It's kinder not to ask, midori1999, imo. To ask and hear the response and then go ahead anyway is jerking the child around. The inevitable, unnecesasry and completely avoidable problems that arose from the OP's approach prompted her to post.

I disagree that the way to ease a child's fears is to throw them in the deep end, so to speak. The dog's presence in the house after he repeatedly told his mum he was afraid and didn't want one is quite "in your face", imo.

I see nothing wrong with a child being afraid anyway, and my priority would be to keep lines of communication open, let the child understand his feelings are ok and that he can share them with me and expect them to be dealt with respectfully (not 'tough, we're getting one anyway'). I really don't get why the process had to be accomplished on everyone's timetable and everyone's terms except the child's. Why the rush? I have observed that children who are confident of a parent's understanding and patient ear develop far more self confidence and resilience, and are kinder to other children too, than those who have been forced to wrap their minds around things according to the dictates of a parent who has pooh poohed their feelings and fears.

I am not advocating allowing the lunatics should run the asylum 4 year olds to make decisions about too much that goes on in the home. I am opposed to forcing children to come to terms with a fait accompli after paying lip service to the notion that he could have some say inthe matter. The equivocation does not hold water.

I question the motives of the OP in getting the dog "My partner wanted a dog for his birthday and has always wanted one and we felt my son was now old enough to cope, and we decided to get a puppy so it would be totally unthreatening. We reasoned that once the unknown element was gone he would warm to it and think it was fun." She herself clearly outlines the decision-making process, beginning with 'My partner wanted a dog for his birthday..' She later started enumerating some of the benefits of having a dog, but I don't think these were her primary concerns when she was making the decision.

She also prides herself on not mollycoddling the child -- as far as I can see, there's definitely no danger of that. There's lot of middle ground between mollycoddling a child and letting him understand his pov is of no consequence.

The OP seems to have set herself up in opposition to the child (he won't want to go to school but he will go and it'll be good for him, etc.) and seems to expect that the milestones of his life will be characterised by some sort of battle of wills between the DS and her no need for this either. The OP would make life easier for herself and far less traumatic for her son if she tried meeting him in the middle and understanding and truly trying to accommodate his perfectly valid pov and feelings.

Just because he's 4 years old doesn't mean he shouldn't have fears, opinions, or feelings that don't coincide with his mother's. He has a right to inconveniently require sensitivity and shielding from things that scare him to the point of climbing up furniture and squealing in fear.

I am still a bit about how the family were all in the kitchen with the dog, and the boy was elsewhere in the house, presumably because he was scared of the dog. If he wanted to see his family, he had to see the dog.

That doesn't sound like easing things in gently or being considerate to me. It sounds like mum dad and baby all having a laugh with the dog and 4yo sitting in the next room thinking WTF is going on here?

He has to accept, or at least pretend to accept the dog, otherwise he doesn't get to spend time with his family.

That is just shitty IMO.